บท 31: Today
Today is my last day that I am required to be here. I know at one point, that I swore that I was going to destroy this place when I had my chance. That is no longer my goal. I have to leave here. I can not allow myself to stay here any longer, and begin to feel comfortable with the vile deeds that is necessary here.
I would not say that I have gained friends here. I am not sure I could even develop friendships anymore. The lack of emotional attachments make it hard to care or worry about others. I do consider some of the people that are here to be close, but friends, no.
So no attachments are there to tie me to this place after I pass my test. Other than Lukas, who is also nearing to his testing time, the group of people that I normally associate with, are gone. Oana and Migle have already passed their training and left to live their lives away from the hall.
The loosely connected group of the four of us, have agreed to meet up in two years, at this same hall, that we are all escaping. It is not to have any type of happy reunion. It is for us to make sure the others are able to cope, living in the world of normal man.
Enough of that. It is nearly time for my trial. I am not looking forward to the suffering that it promises, but to leave here, I am willing to accept whatever is coming. I know that I can bear it.
I would not say that I am regretting it, but I did decide to go for the silk Collar. I believe I can handle the extra torment from the more difficult test, for the less annoyance of a harsher Collar. At this point, I am glad that I never decided to test for the wire Collar. I probably could have passed it, but the silk Collar will not be that bad to wear, for the rest of my life.
Now all that there is to do, is get myself mentally ready for the test. The drugs, to loosen my mental state, have already been readied. As for the proctor, whoever it is going to be, is preparing themselves, as I wait. I have been told, for silk and wire Collars, an outside Unleashed is invited to perform the test. While all Unleashed have had their emotions muted, there is always some preferences and ticks that we develop, leading to a possible easier test. So as to have an unknown Unleashed tormenting the tester, that is why an outside Unleashed is brought in.
The test itself is unknown to all the un-Chained. I presume that it is so we do not try to psych ourselves out. That, or it is because it does not matter if we know or not. As I can not figure out why I do some things, I am completely able to comprehend why others do what they do.
"It's time to go…" (Rehor)
* * *
"Okay, give him the drugs now. I'm ready on my side." (Proctor)
"Any order, or do I take them all at once?" (Rehor)
"It doesn't matter. Try to finish it fairly quickly, before any of them start to kick in." (Proctor)
"Einar, let's just hurry up. I'm finally done having to teach someone everyday. He's as ready as he'll be." (Otec)
"No pride Otec? Though you could barely pass your own test, from what I heard." (Einar)
"Can you two be quiet. I have a headache from not being allowed to eat this morning, and this talking isn't helping it." (Rehor)
"Ready Otec? As a reminder, all you need to do, is make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Or me." (Einar)
* * *
I do not wish to remember the test. I see why almost all the Unleashed choose to stay at the level they are at, when they test out of being an un-Chained. I found out, I still have emotions, hidden though they may be. The test dug them out of me during while I was drugged.
It pushed me beyond what I would have ever had believed. The situations I was put in, while Einar played around in my mind, would have caused normal people to have nightmares for the rest of their lives. Even after he finished playing around with me, the memories of the test stayed with me, even beyond the point of no long hallucinating from the drugs.
I do not believe that my ability to show or understand emotions have actually come back to me for any period of time, but right now, I know I am angry. I will admit, I chose to take a more difficult test, choosing the silk Collar, but these bastards, and I am assuming it was Otec, tested me for the wire Collar. Yes, I was volunteered to take the most difficult test. Hooray for me.
"You're a bastard." (Rehor)
"In this case, I can't disagree with you. At least you will never need to test again. It won't even be a question in your head." (Otec)
"It was the fucking wire test. I didn't know I could still feel anger, and you caused this." (Rehor)
"And that's why I chose for you the harder test. I knew you could pass it. If you were only going for the linen Collar, I wouldn't have pushed you. I wanted you to know that you are still capable of having feelings. Few of us will ever truly understand that." (Otec)
"It was never your choice. Your trainer is the one that makes the final decision. Your input is not even needed. Some of the halls don't even hint at the idea that un-Chained have a choice on their Collar." (Einar)
"Then why do you even given a fucking… No, no, it's still another test. Making sure we are truly broken. Seeing if even the most cruel and sadistic thought can cause us to lash out. Well fuck that." (Rehor)
Yes, I am truly and utterly angry. And yet, even with all this ire at Otec, I am still able to control my power. So many experiences that I went through in the test, and yet, I passed it. They were true experiences that I felt during the test.
I was forced to see innocents tortured. Young children, wantonly slaughtered. My family slaughtered, randomly. Then I was made to see my Father, in another part, butcher the rest of them. Innocent people threatened. A first love. A lost romance. My death, multiple times. The experience of sex, and the lust that it drew from me.
While they were not all bad experiences, they are not pleasant to remember. I know they were all fake, but I was made to experience, and forced to feel them. It was fake, but it felt completely real at the time.
I did lash out with my power, during the test. It was controlled, though. I tried to protect and save where I could. To stop whatever was happening in front of me. And through it all, I was not able to do anything to help. Even the pleasant experiences, I was in control, but it is sickening to me now.
"Can you tell me why, the pleasant ones?" (Rehor)
"You know that you can control yourself in stressful situations, but did you ever test yourself in moments of happiness, or pleasure?" (Einar)
"It's to test if you can keep your guard up, when you aren't needing to be guarded." (Otec)
"The pleasant ones, are part of the easier tests for that reason. Some of the more personal ones are for higher levels." (Einar)
"Well lucky me. I was made to watch my family be slaughtered, by my own hands. There is no reason I would EVER do that. How am I to ever meet my family again? I keep seeing that in my mind." (Rehor)
"It will fade. In a few hours, when the drugs exit your body, and you aren't able to feel their effects, you'll slowly start forget about it. You'll always remember, but it won't be front in your mind." (Otec)
"Bull shit." (Rehor)
"It's a fake memory, your brain realizes it. You already know that it is a false memory. It's just that it is so recent, that you haven't calmed down from the test yet, and they are fresh." (Einar)
Am I happy, that I know that Einar and Otec are telling me the truth? I just keep reliving them, right now. I have had to go through mental training before, and I know that what is implanted is only temporary. However, there is the fear that they implanted the memories, in my head, permanently.
"Here. Have a drink. It will calm you down." (Einar)
Even with what I am feeling, I know that I am thirsty. Especially when a drink is offered to me. And so I begrudgingly take a big gulp, from the cup that is offered. And then, I try to spit the liquid out of my mouth.
"That wasn't water. What the fuck is that? It tastes like shit." (Rehor)
"Whiskey. Harsh, but after how much you just drank, you'll definitely be feeling better." (Otec)
"At least tell me what I'm drinking before you offer. That burns." (Rehor)
My first time in this life, that I drank alcohol. And like some college-aged kid, I just drank it like water. If I knew what it was, I would have sipped it. I do want the sweet release of being drunk, but I have never liked to be blackout drunk.
"Pour me another. And can you chill it a little this time. I don't have the desire to control myself enough to cool it off." (Rehor)
"Here you go. And cheers. To the first wire aluminum Unleashed, in years." (Einar)
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ApollyonDais
ApollyonDais And the end of being an unChained.
As a side not, I have been using a random number generator to help me decide on what I haven't put to stone. It's actually made me work harder to come up with a logical thread, at times. Damn myself for giving me more work.
Thanks for keeping up with this part of the story.
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