บท 3: First Dance
'Why? Why can't she wait?'
'How can she give up on everything that easily?'
'Ako lang ba ang may gustong maging kami habambuhay?'
'So much for those stupid promises!'
After that, I became depressed. Insomnia visited me every night.
I was haunted by nightmares about that night at the park. And every time, I'd find myself waking up, crying.
Night after night, I indulged myself with alcoholic drinks, had flirts and mingled with other girls. Tried to do everything to get her off my mind.
I must forget her.
However, nothing seems to be working. I just didn't know what to do. So I locked myself in my room. Refusing to go out no matter what the reasons are.
However, being a responsible man, pumapasok pa rin ako sa trabaho ko. Pero pagkatapos, balik na naman go ako sa pagmumukmok.
My friends became worried about me. So they came to my house at niyaya nila akong lumabas-labas.
I was glad for their company. So, they were able to coaxed me into coming out and do some things kasama sila.
Madaming bagay lang gaya ng pagba-basketball, hiking, inuman occasionally, at mga out of towns.
Everything was going well. I was able to smile again. Humahalakhak na nga eh. At nakakatulog na ng maayos. Hehe. So sabi ko nga, medyo nabuhayan na akong muli.
One day, while we were out of town, we decided to pay a visit sa isang sikat nilang atraksyon—isang manghuhula. Kilala raw siya rito sabi ng mga tao. Ang gagaling daw ng mga hula niya at accurate.
Hindi na kami nagtanong kung mga ilang percent.
We asked for the directions to this so-called seer. And then went on our way.
Narating na namin yung lugar. Para lang siyang tent na makikita mo sa mga carnivals. Ang pagkakaiba lang ay meron itong pintuan.
Isa-isa kaming pumasok roon. Matapos makalabas nung isa, saka na papasok yung kasunod. Baka kasi medyo private yung hula, eh ayaw naman naming mag eavesdrop.
Soon, it was my turn.
Pumasok na ako rito at magtatanong na sa matanda.
"Uhmm, Lola—" magsisimula palang ako nang bigla niya akong pinatigil.
"Hijo, bakit ka pa andito? Nahanap mo na naman siya ah," sabi nito habang nakangiti.
I was supposed to ask her kung kelan ko mahahanap yung taong para talaga sa akin. Kasi, iniwan na nga ako ng taong inaakala kong magiging pang-habambuhay ko na.
So I was shocked to hear her say that.
"Pa-paano niyo po nalaman?" I asked, amazed.
"Gusto mo malaman kung paano? Lumabas ka dito at tumingin ka sa taas ng pintuan," sabi nito na parang natatawa pa.
I nodded and did what she told me.
Pagkalabas ko ay nakita ko na ang nakasulat sa taas ng pinto.
'MANGHUHULA'
Napangisi ako. Oo nga naman.
Matapos nito ay umuwi na kami. Hindi naman ako naniniwala sa mga hula-hula na iyan. Pero I can't get off my mind yung mga sinabi ng matanda.
'Nakita mo na siya.'
Kaagad pumasok sa isip ko ang pangalan niya. Pero I instantly shoved it aside kasi I don't want to get my hopes up.
"Kasal na siya Nick at may pamilya na. Hindi ka pinalaki ng mga magulang mo upang maging maninira ng may pamilya!" I scolded and slapped myself.
Afterwards, I tried to remember those girls that I've met, and those whom I had moments with. At Pati na yung mga may gusto sa akin. Pero wala.
Eventually, I decided na ishare sa mga friends ko yung hula. Tutal, hindi naman masyadong maselan ito. At saka, gusto ko rin makuha yung mga opinyon nila sa kung ano ang gagawin. I told them also the list of girls I had interacted with.
"Why don't you try dating each one of them? And see if merong spark or kahit na anong sign. Or pwede ring itry mong makipag-relasyon muli. Maybe you'll be able to teach yourself how to fall in love again," they suggested.
I took in their suggestion and I've been keeping myself busy in arranging and attending dates with the girls. I kept a checklist and crossed out those na tapos na.
Isa-isa. I talked with each of them. I ate with them. Spent some time going on movies. Everything na pwede kong maisip.
Pero ni isa sa kanila ay wala akong naramdaman. Walang katulad niya.
Then, nakita ko yung problema.
I'm comparing them to her. I've been trying to find her from them. Trying to find another her. But of course, she's different. They can never be her. No one will. Jessa will always be Jessa. Her beauty is her own.
At iyon. Akala ko nakamove-on na ako, hindi pa pala.
Kaya ni isa sa kanila ay wala akong ipinasok sa isang relasyon. Kasi nagi-guilty ako. Ayoko namang maging unfair kasi alam kong sa mga tingin at ngiting matatamis that I gave them, isn't because I like them, but because I can see her in them. At alam kong panloloko iyon.
I cursed.
Bakit nga ako naniniwala sa mga hulang iyon? I've never been superstitious in my whole life. Siguro kasi desperado na rin ako.
I decided to let it off. It's just messing up with me.
Itinigil ko na ang pakikipag-date sa kahit na sino, at bumalik na lang sa mga gala ng tropa.
Ilang buwan na ang lumipas na puro lang ganun yung ginagawa ko.
Ngayon, Valentines Day na. Araw ng mga bitter.
Nasa mall kami ng mga friends ko. Nakakita kami ng isang pakulo dito that reminds me of the old times at our school.
'FIRST DANCE.'
"Get a free 3-5 minute dance with someone!" sabi ng endorser nito.
I decided to try it kasi, well, I don't know. For fun, I guess. Or maybe, I was just struck with nostalgia. In any case, I told my friends na I'll stay behind to try it.
Lumapit na ako doon sa isang staff nito.
"I would like to participate." I said.
"Okay po sir, isulat niyo lang po ang pangalan niyo dito, then umupo lang po muna kayo at maghintay saglit habang naghihintay tayo ng partner niyo." sabi nito habang may ibinigay na listahan ng mga magpaparticipate.
Ako palang ah. Sabagay, ang aga nga naman ng pagpunta namin sa mall. Di na nakapagtataka.
"Mga hinired niyo ba na mga babae yung makakasayaw dito?" tanong ko habang sinusulat ang pangalan ko.
"No, sir. Nasa kabila ng room na ito yung isa pang entrance. Yun po yung para sa mga babae. Kagaya niyo po ay mga customers po sila na gustong itry ang program namin. So hindi po namin kilala yung babae, unless isulat na niya po ang pangalan niya kagaya ng ginagawa niyo po"—tumingin siya sa sinulat ko—"Mr. Nick Campbell.
Ibinigay ko na sa kanya ang listahan at umupo na upang maghintay.
Ilang sandali pa lamang ay naihi ako.
Kaya pumunta muna ako sa banyo upang umihi at kaagad na bumalik roon.
Pagdating ko ay mayroon nang nauna sakin sa loob at tumutugtog na ang musika.
"Sir, pasensya na pina-una nalang po muna yung lalaki kasi nawala ka po eh. Pero wag po kayong mag-alala, pagkatapos po nito ay susunod na po kayo. Meron na po kasing girl na naghihintay roon sa kabila," sabi nung staff nang makita ako.
"Ah, sigi. Okay lang. Nagpunta lang kasi ako sa banyo," sabi ko.
Okay lang naman talaga eh. It's not like I know kung sino yung nasa kabila. Kahit nauna man ako, it doesn't matter, I would still be dancing with a stranger.
So I waited.
At nang matapos na yung kanta ay sinenyasan na ako ng staff na ako na ang susunod.
Bago pumasok ay pinagsuot kami ng mask na katulad ng mga ginagamit sa mga masquerade balls. Inasahan ko na to. Doon sa school nga namin eh pinipiringan kami.
"Nga pala sir, bawal po magsalita ha? You know, to avoid those na may matatalim ang dila. And please, we expect some respect on both sides po," pahabol nung staff.
'Of course. I knew that.'
I nodded.
Pumasok na ako.
The room was dimly lit. With red disco lights and roses on the floor.
Romantic. Yeah. Supposedly. Valentines eh.
Then nakita ko na yung girl.
Pumunta na kami sa gitna and she placed her hands on top of my neck, and mine to her hips. None of us talked.
The music started. The song was 'Pusong Ligaw' by Jericho Rosales. One of my favorites. Our favorite.
🎶 Di kita, malimutan. Sa mga, gabing nagdaan...🎶
We swayed back and forth with the rhythm of the music.
Strange. It feels so...familiar.
🎶Ikaw ang pangarap, nais kong makamtan...🎶
Her smell. Her movements.
No. It couldn't be. It's impossible.
I shoved the thought aside.
'Ibang tao yan, Nick. Hindi si Jessa yan. Nagiging delusyonal ka lang.'
🎶Sa buhay ko ay, ikaw ang kahulugan...🎶
Then, I felt some butterflies in my stomach.
'Ano ba to? I've been with so many girls pero never ako nakafeel nito. Bakit? Bakit sa kanya? Sino ba kasi itong babaeng 'to?'
🎶Ikaw pa rin, ang hanap ng pusong ligaw...🎶
Bigla akong napa-isip sa mga sinabi sa akin ng manghuhula.
'Nakita mo na siya.'
Hindi na ako nakapag-pigil at tinanong ko na siya. I leaned forward, closer to her ear.
"I felt like I know you," I whispered. "Can you tell me who you are?"
"I don't think we're supposed to do that," she replied.
"Well, you replied so we're both breaking the rules now," I snickered.
"And this will be the last time, so shut it!" she slight raised her voice. "You're not even supposed to be my partner."
Oh. Yeah. Now, I'm certain.
That voice. That smell. The way she dances. Now I'm 75% sure that it's her.
For some stupid reason, a setup is made by this so called fate. So that I am partnered with her. What am I supposed to call this? Destiny? Or coincidence?
For now, wala akong paraan para mapatunayan ang hinala ko. So I kept quiet and enjoyed the dance. Which could be our last one.
🎶...mula noon, bukas, at kailanman.🎶
And then, it ended. We parted and made our way towards our respective exits.
I turned to look at her. But she's gone already.
I went to the opposite side and asked the staff for her name.
"Hey, can I have the name of the girl who just left?"
"I'm sorry, sir. But we can't do that," he said apologetically.
"Please. Nagmamakaawa ako. This is a big deal for me," I pleaded. "Wala namang mawawala eh. Titingnan ko lang naman ang pangalan niya. I just wanna confirm something."
Mukhang nakita niya naman na sincere ako. O baka naawa lang talaga sakin. Pero nevertheless, he showed me the list.
"Jessa Prancia."
I knew it. Siya nga. Maliwanag na sakin lahat. Kung bakit napaka-pamilyar ng babaeng yun.
I sighed.
'So near, yet so far.'
Aalis na sana ako nang mapansin ko.
'Bakit Jessa Prancia ang isinulat niya? Hindi ba dapat apelyido ng asawa niya ang ginagamit niya? Bakit Prancia pa din yung inilagay niya?'
And I was left. More confused than ever.
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