บท 2: She Lied
After a whole day at school, pauwi na ako sa amin. Kahit pagod, sulit pa rin. Kasama ko siya eh. Kapag kasama mo talaga ang taong mahal mo, di mo alintana ang lahat. Pero kapag wala na siya sa tabi mo, parang bumabalik ka na sa realidad. I became aware of my body needs; pagkain, pahinga, at paligo. Girly stuff na rin.
Matapos kong gawin ang lahat ng ito ay pupunta na sana ako sa kwarto upang maka-chat siya, nang bigla akong tinawag ni Papa.
"Jessa! Hali ka nga rito sa baba hija," tawag ni papa.
"Sandali po!" sagot ko.
Mamaya na lang muna siguro. Para mamiss niya ako. Hehe. Kaya pinuntahan ko muna si Papa.
Si Papa nalang ang kasama ko, namatay kasi si Mama nung ipinanganak niya ako. At simula nun, di na siya nag-asawa pa. Kaya di na ako nasundan.
"Ano po iyon?" tanong ko.
"Bukas na bukas, magpa-alam ka na sa mga kaklase mo. Aalis na tayo patungong Canada," tugon nito.
Tila tumigil ang oras sa narinig ko. Ano raw? Aalis? Hindi ako makapaniwala. Bigla-bigla naman yata. Paano na kami? Teka, may kami nga ba? Sa paningin ng pamilya ko ay wala. Wala akong boyfriend. Strikto kasi si Papa, kasi nga nag-iisa lang akong anak. Kaya patago ang naging relasyon namin ni Nick.
Nick Campbell. My boyfriend. Na tanging ako at mga malalapit na kaibigan ko lamang ang nakaka-alam.
Paano ko kaya sasabihin sa kanya?
"Ha? Ba't parang biglaan naman po, Pa?" tanong ko. "At bakit po ba?"
"Pasensya ka na anak, trabaho eh," sagot niya. "At huwag ka nang mag-alala, ipina-asikaso ko na yung documents mo for transfering. Bukas ready na lahat, kaya mag-impake ka na ng mga gamit mo. Bukas, last day mo na sa school mo kaya sulitin mo na."
Nakangiti si Papa. Alam kong sincere siya sa mga sinabi niya. Kaya I tried to smile back at him. At kaagad naman akong pumunta sa kwarto ko para mag-impake at magisip-isip.
Last day ko na bukas. Last day with him. Kakayanin ko ba?
I lay down, crying myself to sleep.
...
Kinabukasan, nag-ayos na ako ng mga gamit. Chineck ko ang phone ko, ang daming missed calls at unread chats mula sa kanya.
"Oy, asan ka na?"
"Ba't di ka nagrereply?"
"Tulog ka na?"
"I love you."
I replied at him, "Sorry. Nakatulog ako agad. Mamaya na lang, usap tayo ah? Miss na kita. I love you too."
Nagtungo na ako sa school namin. Before I went in, I took my time to stare at my Alma Matter for the past 3 years.
This is gonna be hard. I took a deep breath and proceeded.
Nandito na ako sa room namin. Di ko muna sinabi sa kanila. Hinayaan ko na parang ordinaryong araw lang ito. Para madali lang lahat kasi mag-uuwian na. Hindi naman ako nahirapan, wala rin naman siya rito eh. Magka-iba kasi kami ng section.
Natapos ang aming klase at nagsisihanda na silang umalis, pumunta ako sa harapan nila and I made my announcement.
May mga umiyak at yumakap sakin. Mga girls yung karamihan. It made me sad, pero alam kong wala pa ito sa mararanasan ko mamaya.
And as I expected, mabilis na nakarating sa kanya ang balita. Naroon na siya malapit sa pintuan namin. Naghihintay si Nick Campbell.
"Hi," I wave my hand as I came near him.
Nanatili siyang tahimik at hinatak ang kamay ko. Dinala niya ako sa favorite na tambayan namin; ang isang bench sa may park. Umupo kami nang magkaharap.
"Totoo ba?" umpisa niya.
I gulped.
"Oo. I'll be leaving for Canada, later," sagot ko. And I was surprised by how easily it came out. "Trabaho ni papa."
"Kelan balik mo?"
"Ewan ko. Honestly, I have no idea, Nicko."
"Ba't ngayon mo lang sinabi to?"
"Ngayon ko lang rin nalaman. Kahapon lang, to be exact."
"Kaya ba hindi mo ako nirereplyan kagabi?"
I flinched from the guilt.
"Oo, pero it doesn't matter. Aalis na ako at wala na tayong magagawa rito!"
The dam that's been holding up my emotions finally gave in. I cracked. Napasigaw na lamang ako at tumulo na ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.
Napatingin ako sa kanya, umiiyak na rin siya. Crybaby nga talaga siya. Dati pa, alam ko. Pero now, I can see the pain in his eyes. Alam kong tagos sa puso iyon. But he kept his cool afterwards.
"Alam ko. For now, wala," sabi ni Nick habang nakatingin sa mga ulap, na nagpalaki ng aking nga mata.
I wiped my tears and I asked him, "Anong plano mo?"
"As I told you, for now, wala pa. Pero soon, meron na," he smirked then looked at me. "Someday, I'll be successful enough na kapag ipinakilala mo ako sa Papa mo, ay hindi na siya magdadalawang-isip pa. I'll be more than enough for you."
Napangisi ako sa sinabi niya.
"But how are you going to do that?" I asked him. "At paano ka makakasigurado na ikaw pa rin ang mahal ko sa mga panahong iyon?" I added, teasingly.
He reached to wipe a tear off my cheeks na nakaligtaan ko.
"As I said, I still don't know. But still, it's better to have a goal like this, as vague and almost impossible as it may seem, than to wander around aimlessly," he smiled. And it made my heart warm. "However, just to make sure, let's make a promise to each other."
I nodded and he took my hands.
"I promise that I'll be faithful to you. I will have no one for my wife other than you. Someday, I'll come find you and ask your hand for marriage." he leaned and kissed me. Afterwards, he pulled back and said, "I'm serious, Jessa. I won't take 'no' for an answer."
My heart was beating crazily. I wanted to hold him and never let him go. I wanted this moment to last forever. I wish time would stop.
But of course, it won't.
"So, promise me that you'll wait. Promise me na ako lang." he continued while staring at me, waiting for an answer he was so sure I would give.
"Of course, Nicko. I promise. Ikaw lang," I said wholeheartedly.
I can feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. That's the signal for me to leave. Alam kong si Papa na to.
So I kissed him again for the last time and I went on my way. I was halfway at the park exit when I heard him say something.
"I trust you, Jessa."
I turned to look at him, and answered, my voice full of resolve, "And I trust you too, Nicko."
My smile wavered and I found myself crying again. Then, I went to the school's parking lot and rode on our family vehicle. And that was the last time I saw him.
Until that particular night...
"Jessa, Jessa! Ayun oh!" my friends told me as my vision scanned and landed at the entrance.
He's there. Paving his way through the crowd towards us. It's been years. He's still gorgeous. Mas gwapo na nga eh. And successful na.
'Kilala niya pa kaya ako?'
'Ako pa kaya?'
'Paano kung hindi na?'
Ito ang mga tanong na kaagad pumasok sa isip ko.
Then he looked at me. Kahit sa kaunting sandali lamang, I found myself tensing up.
Pumunta na siya sa mesa ng mga tropa niya. I saw him smile and laugh again. How I missed him. Those joyfulness that could give life to me however down I am.
I made him come to me, and he did.
We talked for a while. Then, our picture was projected. I looked at it. And everything came flooding back.
Maya-maya ay pumayag siya na makipag-kita sa paborito naming pwesto dati. Yung isang bench sa may park.
At doon, nagka-usap na kami.
I teased him for a bit. For I wanted him to smile for me. I wanted to take a picture of him, kaya kinuha ko ang phone ko.
And that's when he saw it. Ang kanina ko pa pinipilit na itago sa paningin niya.
"So, kasal ka na pala," he said.
And I was dragged back to that very day where everything started.
"Here we are, Jessa. Your new home!" sabi ni Papa habang nakatingin sa bago naming bahay.
At tumingin naman siya sakin.
"Bakit ka malungkot? Pangit ba?" he asked.
"Hindi po, Papa. Ang ganda nga po eh, sobra!" sagot ko.
"Alam kong nalulungkot ka dahil sa pag-alis natin, ngunit para rin ito sa ikabubuti mo."
Yeah, right. You always know the best for me. Ganyan naman palagi eh. Bawal akong rumeklamo.
I nodded at him.
"Pa, icheck ko lang ang kwarto ko sa taas ha?" paalam ko na pinayagan naman niya.
Ang totoo, gusto ko lang mapag-isa. Gustuhin ko man ay hindi ko siya maka-usap. Walang signal rito. Siguro kasi wala naman yatang Globe o Smart dito sa Canada. I still had some things to take care of. So I stared at my phone and read his past messages nung nandoon pa ako sa Pinas. Despite everything, he's still sweet as always. Siguro tanggap na niya dati pa ang posibilidad ng sitwasyong ito. Sabagay, pumayag siya sa sikretong relasyon. Alam niya na rin ang mga maaaring mangyari. Still, I'm glad for his strength.
Hindi ko namalayang nakatulog na pala ako habang nagbabasa ng messages niya.
I woke up hearing voices from downstairs.
"Your daughter, is she ready?"
"Not yet, but she will."
Si Papa. Alam kong boses niya yun. Tila may kausap siyang Canadian, may accent eh. Baka business partner niya. Pero ba't tungkol sa daughter? Ang alam ko eh ako lamang ang anak ni Papa. Kaya bakit sila nag-uusap tungkol sakin?
Nakinig muna ako sa kanila.
"You know we've talked about this. She's to be married to my son," sabi ng Canadian.
Ano raw? Married? As in 'arranged marriage'? Akala ko sa mga libro at movies lang meron niyan. I listened more to them.
"Yes. And she will. However, it's not time yet. She's will be engaged to your son from now on. He will be her fiancé, and they will be married when the time is right."
"I trust you, Prancia. I hope that daughter of yours won't fail me. Just like how you've failed her. If only you were careful, you wouldn't be bankrupt right now."
Kaya pala. Bankrupt na kami.
"She won't." I can hear the pain and anger sa boses ni Papa.
"Just to make sure, I want her to wear this ring when she's ready for marriage. As to avoid anyone else taking her from my son."
"As you wish."
"That would be all, have a good day."
I heard footsteps walking away. So I decided to go downstairs and talk to Papa.
He saw me coming down and for a moment, he was shocked. But he composed himself fast.
"Hija, andiyan ka na pala. Napasarap ba ang tulog mo?" tanong niya habang nakangiti.
Alam kong tinatago niya lang ang takot at pagkabalisa sa mga sasabihan. Nakikita ko rin kung paanong hindi mapakali ang kamay niyang may hawak sa sing-sing.
"Akin na, Pa." I said while smiling. Ayoko nang pahirapan pa ang Papa ko. He's been through a lot.
"Ang alin, hija?" kunwari'y hindi niya alam. But I saw him clasped the ring tighter.
"Ang sing-sing. Narinig ko ang lahat."
I saw him break down. He knelt to me. Crying.
"Patawarin mo ako, anak. Noong namatay ang Mama mo, I was devastated. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. Napabayaan na kita. At ang malala pa ay nalulong ako sa pagca-Casino. Na nagresulta sa pagkabankrupt ng kompanya," he sobbed and continued. "Pero si Mr. Dean Kindle ang tumulong sa akin. Kapalit ang kamay mo para sa anak niya."
I knelt next to him and took his hands.
"Hindi ko na alam kung paano ka susustentuhan nang mga panahong iyon kaya pumayag nalang ako," he continued. "Patawarin mo ako, anak. Patawarin mo ako..."
"Okay lang, Pa. Marami ka na ring isinakripisyo para sa akin," I said, understandingly.
Yinakap niya ako habang humahagulgol pa. And I hugged him back.
After that, I thought about everything that I've done.
I just accepted an arranged marriage with someone I don't even know. Well, I did this for my Dad. And I think that's enough reason for me.
Now, I became fully aware of what may come. A future without him. A future without Nick.
I became restless. I didn't know what to do. But for now, I got myself an arranged marriage to handle.
Itinago ko ang sing-sing until I turned 24. For me, that was the time na ready na akong magpakasal. Kaya sinimulan ko nang isuot ito. Dahil na rin sa napagkasunduan nila Papa. Hanggang sa umuwi na kami sa Pilipinas.
Para sa Alumni Homecoming.
Para makita siya.
And now, I'm face to face with him.
Marami na akong irenehearse na sasabihin sa kanya. Everytime na nasa CR ako, palagi kong iniisip na makaka-usap ko na siya. Sasabihin ko lahat. Mageexplain ako.
Pero all of those preparations, became fruitless nang tinanong na niya ako.
I couldn't think properly. I couldn't say what I've rehearsed. My voice failed me. I've forgotten what to say.
Finally, with everything that my ingenious mind could come up with, I made the stupidest and most absurd things to say. Alam kong pagsisisihan ko ito. Pero wala eh, I panicked.
And... I lied.
He listened and took it well. It made me angry for a bit. Bakit ang dali lang para sa kanya? Tanggap na niya agad?
Pero after that, he reminisced our promise. The one that I wasn't able to keep.
Now, it became clear that I made a mistake in my judgment.
He's not okay. He's broken. Pained. Betrayed.
I broke down. I cried. I said sorry from the bottom of my heart. But still, I wasn't able to tell him the truth. For it dawned upon me the real reason. I was afraid. Afraid that I might drag him into this mess that I'm in. It won't be fair. It would be selfish.
So I steeled myself. Papanindigan ko na to.
I watched him turn his back on me and walk away. Never looking back.
I sobbed.
'I'm so sorry, my love.'
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