บท 72: Guilt
Erina was heading for the exit of festival. Really, any place would've been good, but this way was the most convenient for going back to her house. After she had left Arata, she really did go to the bathroom first.
There, she spent a good 10 minutes just splashing water in her face. Trying to calm herself. What she did with Arata, it felt like she crossed a line.
Once she left the bathrooms, she moved around the festival ground. Wandering and not really knowing where she was planning to go to. At first, she felt like she should look for the others. Yet, when she actually saw any of them. She hid.
What was wrong with her? Why did she feel this guilt? If any of them saw her, they wouldn't think much of what she thought was her crime. But Erina did… She felt that she couldn't face Yogi, that she went too far.
That was the saddest part for her, especially after retelling her story to Arata. She was aware of the annual tradition of the fireworks show here. About the whole kissing deal.
She came here fully expecting to do it with Yogi, but plans often go awry. There is another rule with this so-called tradition. If a girl planned on kissing a boy, then they couldn't kiss another.
Sounds like a normal thing. In fact, most people probably don't think they'll kiss more than one anyway. Except… When she turned to looked at Arata. Seeing them holding hands like that. For one-split second, she thought about kissing him instead.
Even if it lasted no longer than a single second. The wave of guilt that washed over her, caused her to freak out. Running away from him, she cried for what she felt about him. One second, but in reality, a feeling that's been there for a while now.
"Why do I… want to kiss him so badly?" She asked herself. Ever since she met Yogi, that boy was the only person she ever had eyes on. She even vowed to be with him no matter what.
Yet, why was her mind filled with Arata? The day they officially met, she blackmailed him. They weren't even friends for the longest time. When did things start to change?
She remembered their time together. The hospital visit, when he made her feel safe. He was always caring for her, despite their circumstance.
What stood out the most, was when he got mad at her. Right before the culture festival. Seeing his eyes filled with disdain towards her, leaving her the way he did. She never felt anything like that.
That was why, she couldn't bear to be with any of them right now. Her feelings, she wasn't sure. More important to her, she had crossed a line she didn't want to cross.
"I'm sorry everyone." She said, as if she was apologizing right to their faces. "None of you, should want to be with someone as pathetic as me…" She was about to finally make her leave, having made her decision. Until, something grabbed her arm, stopping her right in her tracks.
"I can't just let you leave like this." That voice, it could only belong to one person.
"Arata?" She turned to face him. His face had a serious expression on it. "Your hands, they're so cold…"
"I, uh, just washed them." He was lucky that he stopped for the bathroom. He saw her walking by as he was exiting. That turned out better than expected. "More importantly, I know you're not sick. So why are you trying to leave right now?"
"…" She didn't want to answer that. Telling him the truth, that would be near impossible.
"Please." He pleaded with her. "I know that you were upset when we last saw each other. I want to help." Her eyes widened, she felt that he was doing it again.
"Arata… I don't think I should be with everyone. Watching the fireworks, I mean."
"But don't you want to-"
"Kiss Yogi? I'm not sure." Arata couldn't believe the words that he just heard. This girl, so devoted to that one boy, not wanting to kiss him?
"I don't understand."
"Because, I…" She couldn't tell him. Not him of all people. "I think that I betrayed him. Because, I thought about another boy." He noted that she was using the word again. Betrayal, yet she wasn't even dating Yogi.
"I don't get it. What's so wrong about that?"
"Everything…" Arata still looked at her blankly, cluing her into that he had no way of understanding her words. "Arata… Did you ever wonder why I live alone?"
"I do, but since you don't bring it up. I didn't want to ask." He figured that she'd want to keep it a secret. Otherwise, he'd already know by now. "I just thought that you might not have the best relationship with your parents." It was like that light novel, where the romantic leads agreed to help each other pair with their best friends. Almost like what he was doing with her, though very one-sided.
"It's true…" She confirmed his suspicions. "Because… my mom ran off with another man." When she was younger, her parents separated. Because her dad caught her mom cheating on him.
Young Erina couldn't believe that someone could do that to someone they supposedly loved. That betrayal really hurt the family, her father was never the same. When she was going to start high school. She knew she had to move out on her own, there was no way she could bear to face her father anymore. Not with the way he turned out.
"I can't… I just can't be like my mom." So that's why she was the way she was, Arata thought. He didn't want to imagine if anything like that happened between his parents.
"But Erina, those are two completely different things." He tried to convince her. "A marriage versus unrequited love? Yogi doesn't feel that way about you, he wouldn't get mad just because you fell for someone else. If anything, I think he'd be very happy."
"But I already promised him…" She was not going to make this easy for him. He needed another strategy.
"Well, have you done anything with this person?" Asking that was weird, since he didn't actually know who she was referring to. Now that he thought about it, the only other boys he knew that she interacted with was Akaki… And himself.
"Not on purpose." She answered him. Wait a second, when she got upset. That was when she looked at him. Then, the boy she was thinking of, was him? That's what Arata was thinking.
"Erina…" He wanted to confront her on that. On who else was the object of her attention. But, if it was him… Then what would he do? Now he wasn't sure how he felt about this girl. When he was thinking about her, while being with Matsu. Was that really a baseline test, or some other type of comparison.
"What?" She noticed that he was taking a lot of time to continue his sentence.
"Uh, well if you have done anything willingly with this guy. Then you still love Yogi right?"
"Of course I do!"
"Then it's no big deal." He told her. "I know plenty of people notice others. But unless you're going around and actually doing anything with them. I don't think it's cheating."
"You don't think it is?"
"No, because I'm sure that Yogi's your first choice. Just kiss him, and that's that." She contemplated what he was saying for a while. Not that they had much time before the fireworks were about to start shooting.
"Then… I'll go." She told him. Her usual mood was returning now. "Yeah, we should get going back to the others. Before it's too late." He agreed, and they rushed back as soon as their clothes would allow.
"You made it back… And Erina?!" Yogi was the first to see them return.
"Yeah, I ran into Arata by the bathrooms." She told them. "I actually started feeling better, so I can stay for a little longer." They were all glad to see that.
"That's great. You made it back just in time too. The fireworks are about to begin!" Yogi beamed with excitement. With how happy he was to see this, Arata wondered if he was even going to participate in closing his eyes.
With everything set up, and everyone where they needed to be. The glorious fireworks show was about to begin. And with it, the annual tradition of the town. Where love is reaffirmed, bloomed, or found for the first time. This is when everyone enjoying the show will make a decision.
What will be the decisions that Arata and Erina make?
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