บท 19: Day 11 of Misery
* Dear diary,
I got out of bed today. I didn't think I would but Daphne convinced me to. More like forced me to. But I am not mad at her, isn't that what best friends are supposed to do? Protect you from the horrible things. I feel like I am more of a threat to myself than anyone could ever be. I did not even need a diagnosis to let people know that I was losing it. Missing him is intense now. You know what the worst thing about losing a bestfriend is? You lose a part of yourself too. I know that if I try I will get better and survive, but somehow I don't want to. It doesn't hit me in the middle of the night that he is gone, it hits me during the worst times. I would be doing the dishes and think about how he liked the pancakes I made for him and how we sat by the table and ate them. How he always made sure that I got the first bite. I am crying as I write this. Don't even get me started on the tears. It's a waterfall. I don't just cry and let it go, I cry in parts. Now I remember how I used to cry months before I knew this was gonna happen. His hugs were the best. Alright, I'll stop this now. Will write again soon.
S. *
I put the book down and close it and I finished reading it. I had randomly opened my diary to this page. I wasn't intending on making myself sad but I hadn't missed Adam in a while. Especially tonight. It made me feel guilty somehow. I open the cap of my pen and stare at the blank pages.
"Dear Adam,
I know I haven't written in a while. Wanted to let you know that I am doing okay. Much better than last month. I guess I'm getting used to this.
I'm going out a lot. I don't intend on replacing you Adam, I never could. Nor am I stating that I am over you and have no feelings for you. But this feels different. Things with Ivan, not Victor.
I'm not saying that what Ivan and I have is beyond friendship, maybe we are good friends. That's all. But the fact that I let myself not miss you, that I let myself forget that you existed at one point of time, makes me feel guilty. I know you're not here anymore but I can never tell myself that I can't see you again. Because if I do, I'll know that you're gone, forever. I don't think I'm ready for that.
I'm off to sleep now, will write again soon.
Love, Sof"
Tears race down my cheek and fall on the pages of the diary. Poirot comes closer to me and rubs his head to my thigh. I close my eyes and let myself feel. I had shut my feelings off for a long time. There were a lot of suppressed emotions within me. I sniffed loudly and cried even harder.
I was mad at Victor for showing up. He did not have to babysit me. I was fully capable of taking care of my own self. Adam wouldn't appreciate me being dependent on someone, anyone. I was strong and independent mostly because of him. He made sure of that. I did not want my anger towards Victor to ruin this moment I had with Adam's memories, so I quickly brushed that thought out of my mind.
After about five minutes I stopped crying because of my increasing headache. I turn the lights off and go to sleep. Maybe the dreams would ease my aching heart. I could only hope.
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