บท 23: Hope: Look up
Dear Arima Kosei,
Are you well? Are you weeping? Do you still remember the day I die? I hope not.
I'm sorry if I gave you a painful and horrible memory. I will not ask you to keep it so please, forget it.
Even if that means forgetting me.
You know, I really like eating Canelé with you. I also love hearing you play piano because you see, when I was having a hard time to sleep at night, you will be there on the next day playing piano that helps my mind to calm down.
Please don't stop playing piano.
The feeling when going to the school at night is quite something, no? The times where the four of us are in the classroom feels amazing, right? Those memories of us playing our favorite piece for the day, are you still cherishing those memories? Because I am.
Those sleepless nights, those moments of my suffering, my salvation was those memories. I came this far because of those memories that I cherish. However, it seems that they are not enough to save me from falling. Forgive me for that.
Hey, Kosei-kun, you know.. I really want to create more memories with you guys. I really want to stay with you. I'm sorry, I am selfish. I decided to leave since I know, even though I want to create more memories, I cannot do that any longer. Because you see, my mind is already a mess. I don't want to dirty our memories further. I'm sorry.
The truth is, I love how Tsubaki cheer me up, her smiles makes me smile. I also love Watari-kun's stories, the way he narrate each story makes me feel like I am included, makes me feel like I am part of the story.
Arima Kosei-kun the truth is, I love you.
I managed to confess before I left right? I don't know what will happen in the future but if I didn't manage to say those words, please know that I love you. I love you since the day I saw you when I was still a kid. But we cannot be together, it seems.
It hurts. Kosei, I am in pain. I am hurting. I am sorry. Sorry. Just thinking about leaving you, makes my heart break. It's hard to breathe. Will you forgive me?
Hey, can you please hug me? I'm scared. I don't want to leave but I don't want to be insane too.
Can you please help me?
No. Please do not mind that. This is for the better, right? My mind says so. But my heart.. can you save my heart at least?
I will go somewhere far. I will fly. On that place, I will have to pay for my sins. But it's fine. Everything will be fine.
I will go there but I will not be able to see you anymore. These thoughts been pushing me as if I am a pain.
To you, who's reading this right now;
I wish that you're not in pain as much as I was. Believe me when I say that the pain you're feeling right now will pass someday.
I hope that you will not remember me.
Even your memories of me will slowly float away.
I hope you'll be better and will not do the same mistake that I did.
You'll be in pain after this. You will cry. You will blame yourself. But remember that I was the one who decided to end this journey.
Everything will be forgotten in time.
I wish that everyday. So please, even if it takes time, please forget about me.
And if your heart and mind is already in peace, please, I beg you, forgive me. By doing so, I will be able to comfort myself.
Forgive me for being selfish. Forgive me for everything.
Thank you for everything up until now.
I love you, Kosei-kun.
Sincerely yours,
Miyazono Kaori.
****
"Look in front of you." Kosei remebered scolding Kaori that time because she keep looking up while walking.
He thought she was weird because she keeps doing that and he can't already count how many times he saw her looking up.
"Do you know why people can't stop crying?" He can still remember how Kaori suddenly asked him that kind of question while they are walking.
But now,
He can't even ask her to walk with him again. Kosei can't even ask her to play her favorite piece for today.
Why did you have to leave?
Kosei was rooted that night and there was this force that was keeping him from reaching her. All he did was to cry and keep begging for her not to do it. Kaori's eyes that was screaming that night that it was already too late is still in his mind.
Kaori's words of 'I love you' that he still want to hear. It's impossible now right?
"Because they keep looking down when they cry.." Kaori answered when Kosei asked her back.
He never noticed the signs that she gave him when she were suffering. He keep neglecting her words when she told him how hard it was for her to keep living.
I still want to see you smile.
I still want to hear you laugh.
I still want to talk to you.
Just come back, I'll do everything.
His tears are keep falling. She's not here to wipe them. Kaori told him that there is no best option but a better one. Kaori told him that this is the better option, how can it be?
Why did we end up like this?
How about me?
"If you feel like crying, just look up! Look up! If you do that, the tears will not fall."
'Spring will be here soon. The season I met you is coming.
A spring without you is coming.'
Kosei looked up to the sky, he's still holding the letter and a tear fell down from his eye.
But like what Kaori said, the tears stopped falling.
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