บท 415: Pursuit of happiness

"You're pathetic," a voice drifted into her ears.

"…What?" Elizabeth mumbled incoherently.

She gradually opened her eyes to find herself sitting in a familiar place. No, it was more than familiar. It was somewhere she knew for more than sixteen years of her life, her home on New Havens! She remembered everything from the faded decorations on the wall, the wobbly dinner table, the creaky chairs patched up three times… Even the peculiar scent made her reflexively smile. Although it was nothing compared to her current lavish lifestyle, it sang of homely humbleness. Her mother, her father, her brother, and her sister… The memories she made within these walls were truly irreplaceable. She would not give them up for the world. Yet, Elizabeth's gaze dimmed. Everything might look the same, but it was a hollow shell of what it once was. Whenever she saw those empty walls, scenes from that night would inevitably surface. It tainted her memories like a curse. The only thing she could recall now was her family's tragic last moments.

While she wallowed in her misery, that same voice snapped at her again. "Are you listening to me? I'm talking about you!"

"Huh?" Elizabeth snapped back angrily only to find herself dazed.

The voice came from a younger girl with a spunky attitude. Her clothes were dirty and patched up, a bit too tight for her. They were probably handoffs from an older sibling. Her hair and skin were filthy too and reeked of manual labour. She looked like a normal worker you could find anywhere. Despite that, her posture, mannerisms, and speech glowed with a powerful enthusiasm and energy. Her eyes stood out the most as they gleamed innocently. Like a newborn child who had yet to experience the horrors this world had to offer, this girl was the epitome of childish innocence. Elizabeth averted her gaze. She knew this girl very well because it was none other than herself! Specifically, it was a version of herself from almost two years ago, prior to the Slaughter of New Havens.

Back then, it was a simpler time. There was no Alzar Kingdom, no Xingyuu Empire, and no Zino Kingdom. There were no kings nor queens, no princes and princesses, and no Royal Family. There were no Perception Realms nor Instinct Realms. There was no war. They might have been poor, making every day a struggle to the next, but that did not mean she was discontent. In fact, she was happy! Those were the happiest days of her life! When she looked at her own situation now with the inheritance race, the Second Great Kingdom War, the Featherwind Sect, and so many other budding problems, they were two worlds apart. The burden weighing on her shoulders were as heavy as a mountain! So much happened since then that Elizabeth had to ask herself: was this really her? Was she ever this happy? It almost seemed like a distant memory. She could not even recognize herself anymore.

"Look at you, always thinking and worrying. We didn't used to be like this!"

"…Times change. We've gotten older. I have responsibilities now," she replied lethargically.

"Responsibility?" her past self smiled wryly. "Did you forget our dream?"

"Dream?"

"It seems like you really did forget. Think back to when we were on New Havens. All those times we went to the forest, what did we do? What did we want to do?"

Elizabeth closed her eyes and recalled. Her past self was like a hammer, jogging her memory back into place. How could she forget? That was right. Whenever she had the time, she would venture to the forest behind the farm. It was her home away from home, a sanctuary she could call her own. No one else would bother her here. She would then sit at the island's edge to dream. Whenever she saw the vast and infinite land below the feet, it was impossible to suppress her desires. She wanted to see the vast verdant forests, the towering snow-tipped mountains, the boundless expanse of seas, and the shifting dunes of deserts. She wanted to explore the world beyond New Havens! To trek through unexplored lands, to struggle through dangerous situations, to make new lifelong friends, and to discover sights never seen before. She wanted to imitate those story books or fairy tales she read as a child. She wanted an adventure!

"That's right! That's what we wanted to do. Yet, what have we been doing? We've been playing princess, trying to win the inheritance race to become queen. How stupid!"

"What do you mean stupid? We were born into royalty, so we have a responsibility to lead. I can't run away and do whatever I want, ignoring the consequences. That would be far too selfish."

"We weren't born into royalty," her past self groaned. "We were born on New Havens! We were never royalty! Don't you understand?"

"That doesn't matter anymore."

"Why doesn't it matter? You still don't understand."

"…"

"We aren't saints nor saviors. We aren't heroes meant to save the world. So, why pretend?"

"I'm not," Elizabeth said flatly.

"Aren't you?" her past self smirked. "You're trying to save the Alzar Kingdom from falling into chaos by becoming their queen. You're trying to save the Xingyuu Empire from collapsing by ending the war. How aren't you pretending?"

"…Since you're me, you should understand. I want to help others. I do. I don't want to watch a tragedy unfold, despite having the power to stop it. That's why I wanted to become queen. That's why I came to the empire. It's not because I think myself a hero, but… I'm the heir apparent. I should be the one to do something."

"No, you still don't get it. Ever since you've become the heir apparent, you've changed. You've become warped around this idea of what others expect from you. You've done things I never thought we could do… Standing here, I can't even recognize you anymore. Tell me. Who are you now? Are you Elizabeth Silvera or are you Princess Elizabeth Etuvel Reindel?"

"…"

"Becoming queen… Ending the war… We've never had such grand aspirations before because we knew our place. It wasn't our right to stand on that stage. You've seen it too, haven't you? The Royal Family, the Royal Assembly, and the Grand Nobility Households will never accept us no matter what we do. They're repulsed by our commoner's stench. Why else would we lose the inheritance race so badly? It's the same with this war. What Royal Army General? Wasn't our grandmother simply chasing us out?"

"So what? Of course, I knew all that! What do you want me to do instead?" she shouted. "I fought like crazy to become the heir apparent they wanted! I learned everything they wanted! I did everything they wanted! Every single day, do you think I wanted to struggle like that? No! Of course, I knew about their scornful gazes. They didn't need to say it. I could feel it! And even then, I could hear their murmurs behind closed doors. Everyone looked down on me! I tried and tried until I wanted to die! This war too. I wanted to stop the atrocities. I wanted to keep everyone safe. But look at me. I dragged our friends into battle and we were this close to dying! How many people died because of me? How many families did I destroy? Do you think I wanted to do this? Tell me then! What do you rather me to do?" She heaved and huffed, her emotions spilling out like an avalanche. How long had it been since she released her frustrations? It was too long.

Her past self was quiet before saying, "I just want you to be honest with yourself."

Elizabeth was stunned.

"We can't do everything, and we can't save everyone. We're not the heroine in some fairy tale. We're not a god. We're only human. That's why we should focus on what we can do, rather than what we should do. We shouldn't sacrifice our happiness… otherwise, what would be the point in living? We might as well die!"

Although Elizabeth said nothing, those words crashed into her heart like a tidal wave, releasing her innermost thoughts. That was right. This once bright and exciting world turned into a dull and depressing world. How long had it been since she smiled? How long had it been since she was happy? She could hardly remember it anymore. Before she realized it, she grew sick of this world. Sick of everything. She began to think that… dying might have been preferrable. She was horrified by the thought! She never realized she could think this way. After all, her past self was not a stranger. Only she could heartlessly expose the feelings she kept bottled up inside!

The room swirled around with Elizabeth in it. It felt like her heart and mind were about to burst! Her thoughts and feelings were a mess! She found it hard to breathe as her vision dimmed. It felt like the whole world closed in on her! However, she gradually gathered her fragmented pieces. As she did so, her chest loosened up as though a boulder finally left. Elizabeth exhaled sharply as though her filth left her body. She began to feel much better. Her past self's words resonated with her deeply. Focusing on what she could do, rather than what she should do… Since one door closed, another must open. She might never become the queen that people wanted, and she was fine with that. She would do things her way! In a sense, it might have been a good thing that she lost the inheritance race. Thanks to that, she realized where her true heart laid… She would find her own happiness!