บท 3: PART III: Tear

"Without even knowing, it blooms around my eyes" from "Outro: Tear (English translation)" by BTS

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked. My hands continued to sweat.

"I sometimes feel like you're holding back something. I just wanted to confirm if you're not sharing something with me?"

My fingers twitched. How do I respond to her? I've been trying to hide the nerd and geek inside of me for a long time. If I showed a hint of it, the same thing would happen. I would be left behind because of my interest in something people found boring.

"It's just some bad memories. I don't want it to bother you," I carefully responded.

Lily eyed me suspiciously. "You're still hiding it. I want to know, please?" She asked me in a soft voice. Her face was a little sad. I felt my heart crack a little at her expression. I slowly breathed in, then out, getting myself ready for my next response.

"I can't say it. It's not something you'd want to hear about."

"But I want to hear about it. Don't hold it back."

"I'm holding it back."

"Why? Is it that bad?"

I leaned back onto the couch, letting myself sink into the cushion. It was hard holding myself back from expressing my enthusiasm for the different machinery we saw on our dates. Cars, planes, computers, robotic toys. I avoided looking at them too closely. I focused all my attention on Lily, not letting my thoughts wander off to my place of comfort and familiarity.

"You won't want to be with me if I tell you," I voiced my honest thoughts.

"What is there about you that'd keep me away?" She didn't let up.

"I won't be interesting…," I trailed off. I sounded a bit childish.

Lily stayed quiet for a few minutes. She was fidgeting with her hair, continuously twirling it around her fingers. I noticed a slight shaking in her hands.

"If you can't tell me, we can't continue our relationship. You can't be honest about yourself with me." Lily turned to face me and moved her hands back to her lap. Her hands held onto each other tightly. Her lips were pressed into a thin line. Her eyes seemed to look bigger than I remembered. I started to panic. I wasn't expecting this conversation on my birthday.

"I...I like machines. I'm really interested in machines," I stuttered. If I didn't say it, this relationship would end just as badly as my last one.

I heard a small chuckle come from Lily, but there was no emotion to it. "That's all it was? Why were you even hiding something like that? You've gotta be hiding something else."

"I'm serious, that's all I've been hiding."

She sighed. Not a good sign. She stood up and started to walk to the door. "You should've told me everything about you by yourself. I shouldn't have to dig something up, even if it's just this small thing." She didn't face me as she said those words.

"I didn't want you to avoid me because I was interested in something very boring."

Her hair flicked across her face as she quickly turned her head around. I saw a tear streak down her cheeks. She swiftly wiped it away.

"You don't decide whether I think you're interesting or not. That's my judgement. If I think you're boring, then I must be blind to recognizing others talents." She took a deep breath. "You couldn't be honest with yourself, and you couldn't be honest with me. You decided how you wanted me to see you without letting me know if what I saw was real." Tears were dropping on the ground.

I stepped towards her. She stepped back in response. I felt my knees tremble. "I'm sorry, Lily. I misjudged you. Please give me another chance to improve myself." I thought hiding a piece of myself would make the relationship work. Who would've thought that it would make someone upset to not know about my boring passion?

"This is my first relationship. I learned a lot from it, a lot of good things actually. But I also learned that relationships can be filled with secrets and dishonesty, even if it's just something small like hiding your interest in machines. Do you really think so little of yourself? Do you think so little of me to think that I would leave you just because you like something?" She shot two consecutive questions at me in the midst of a whimper.

I didn't know how to respond. I had never faced this kind of question before. I always went along with the flow of things, never swimming against the current. It seems that the river of life had me encounter a waterfall. What was waiting for me at the bottom?

Lily opened the door. "I guess this is how we'll part our ways. I hope you think long and hard about this. We can't continue if you're going to have that mindset." I walked over to the door as she stepped out. She placed a hand on my shoulder. "I don't hate you, okay? We just need to stay away from each other for while. Happy birthday, Aiden."

She walked away at a fast pace, almost running. I sat down at my doorway, my forehead resting on my arms that were folded upon my bent knees. Before I knew it, I felt it bloom around my eyes. The tears came, plunging down into a pool that formed between my legs. I stifled my sobs, afraid to disturb whoever was left in the dorm during the summer.

What Lily said was something I've avoided thinking about. I always hoped that there would be someone to accept me for my passion. I got what I hoped for, but I ruined it because of self-doubt. I lost confidence in myself and hid the part of me that made me different from others. I not only hit my passion, but I turned myself into someone who didn't have a real opinion. All I did was become a mask that others could paint on.

Could I learn to love myself? Could I learn that it's okay to show off my passions? I went to pick up the gift Lily left for me. I took out the watch and found a folded piece of paper at the bottom. I opened it and found that it wasn't a user manual. It was a handwritten note.

There were only two words on it with a signature, elegantly scribbled in the center of the small white paper. A tear dropped onto the note.

"Love yourself - Lily X."