'I gotta survive first before I deal with these emotions.' Was a very familiar thought to me.
I had done it often in my past life. As sometimes there isn't time to mourn since tasks must be carried out. However, that didn't mean the emotional turmoil I was supposed to feel was repressed. My emotions were just delayed...
After things were over and I got out of the 'Safety Mode', which was the initial form of what I now consider my Combat Mode or 'Kill Switch', those feelings burst out to overwhelm me like a broken dam. This didn't happen after battle, but near the end of my life before I was summoned to this world as both a 'Totem' and a 'Hero'. It hit me too hard...
That begs a question: If more than 60 years of my life was spent bottling up emotions, what would be the result once I retired and had the time to properly release them? The answer is too obvious.
My new life motto is to never 'indulge'. Even if I do choose to do so, it will be with full awareness and responsibility that I'll take the consequences head-on. You CAN have too much of a good thing in life.
This apple before me wasn't a curse, but the direct result of my own choice to serve wholeheartedly.
Diligence isn't always rewarded, especially when the person in question doesn't know his 'limits'.
Therefore, I took full responsibility of my actions.
Perhaps Chaos was now weaker in close-combat than before. However, what I took from him only benefited him. The law of casualty demands there to be 'effect' equal to the 'cause' before it.
No matter how much I try to run away, someone has to deal with the backlash from ignoring all the emotions OTHER than guilt which came from my stressful work environment. That's why, instead of letting 'Simon' have it, I decided to take it myself.
How did I do that? Naturally, I 'devoured' his sins.
If Humans could transform and create, then Beasts only knew how to destroy and devour everything.
You could say that a Beast could survive solely by devouring the Ether around them rather than eating any food. This was probably the reason why the Sun God got into a conflict with the Moon God.
In the times of Fiends and Druids, what was the world like back then? How did they survive...?
Anyway, I devoured my 'Killer Instincts' from Chaos and moulded it into an apple. However, leaving it like this will be wasteful. Although my Killer Instincts were indeed too strong, there was no reason to discard such a useful part of myself.
With such i mindset, I pointed at it. The apple of my years of indulging in the act of diving headfirst into the battlefield like a battle junkie started to change as it transformed... forming into my mirror image.
'I need you to help me out.' I asked the new 'me' I created to take on the brunt of my Killing Instincts.
'Why would I do that?'
'You are me as well, so why even ask?' It was weird that a personality that has all my memories would ask. I created this alter ego named Lilith after taking all other possibilities into account.
Why did I name her Lilith? That had to do with personal preference. That story is intriguing now.
'You were never the type to just listen to someone because they have a good reason.' This excuse made me realise that not ALL possibilities had been accounted for... I can't believe I'm arguing with myself! Maybe I should recreate Lilith...
'Hey, this is the result of those left over emotions you put on hold. All I want is the Blood Attribute.'
'I refuse. Let me reform you again.'
'Desires are formed from emotions, you can try all you want but that fact alone will not change.'
'...What do you want?'
'I am willing to work under you, but only if you give me your Blood Attribute. It suits me well.'
'Deal!' Looks like Indulgence wasn't half bad.
Though the reason he made things easy for me was probably because we are the same person, it was unlike my relationship with Chaos who had autonomy and had a will separated from my own.
There was a clear hierarchy between me and my 'indulgence' that went beyond cost and benefits like Humans. I'm confident that if I was in danger of death, Lilith would risk everything to save me. Not out of anything else but to protect the 'original'.
Next thing I knew, my crimson hair that seemed as red as blood... turned black. The Dark Mana within me flowed more freely, yet I knew the loss of my Blood Attribute meant not having a body anymore.
It was a small sacrifice to make in order to create a persona who could take on the emotions we would suffer when in despair. Although the result would cause us emptiness, it was better than going insane or losing our way from pent up feelings.
'What are you doing?'
'Nothing!' I quickly hid Lilith out of sight as this new personality was supposed to be secret from Bob.
Mostly because I wouldn't know how he'd react if I told him I made a new personality just in case. The only reason I was able to do this was because I now had a firm grasp over my consciousness. This was the reason I could experiment with it freely.
I looked at how everything seemed back to normal with very complicated feelings in my heart.
"Oh, Angel, you shouldn't put tomatoes in that. The taste will become weird if you do." Bob's mother seemed to not remember being kidnapped at all as she happily taught that thot how to cook.
Unlike what I had expected, Angelica didn't use hard methods to get Bob to marry her and instead used soft tactics in order to worm her way into his heart. I really need to step up my game already.
'You should just kick her out.'
'And disrupt this peaceful atmosphere?'
'Only you care about the atmosphere. If it helps then it is better to do it, you are so indecisive!'
'I am making my own decisions.'
'We will see how that turns out...' I looked at the door before someone familiar started knocking.
"Madeline is with a nanny so we can finally spend some-" Dorothy suddenly frowned and stopped.
"It has been a long time, Sis. How are you doing lately?" This girl who was strong enough to shatter my arm in an instant trembled before silently walking towards Bob. She didn't have her usual jealousy about her as she sat close to him.
'Are you not going to hit her hand away? I thought she traumatised y-' It was only while I was ending my sentence did I realise that he was looking at her with mixed emotions. He definitely hated her, but his heart couldn't manage to push her away.
'You want me to push her down for you?'
'...' He didn't understand what I was on about.
'Do onto others what ye would want to you.'
'How is that supposed to make sense?'
'She made you feel... impure.' Bob didn't get angry and instead looked at the weakness she showed.
'Dorothy is NOT an enemy.'
'Then what is she to you?'
'I hate her guts... but I also know that she does not understand this hate. Doing that to her would mean nothing to her. Even if I did, I have my own self-respect. I will not go against my own morals.'
'Do onto others what ye would want onto you.'
'That can be interpreted in many ways. If someone wanted revenge against me, I would rather they let me comprehend their hatred first. The spiral of hatred will not stop if I do not forgive her.'
'How noble...' I could feel from those words how different we were. His heart was just too tough.
'There was another meaning I took from your words.' I spoke while staring at Dorothy's eyes.
'An eye for a eye, a tooth for a tooth.' These words were my own belief, and perhaps my true nature.
'That does not mean you are right.'
'I know I am not right. Even so, I am also not wrong as well. Returning evil with evil is a natural reaction compared to forgiving them. I have no idea how you can bring it in you to do such a thing...'
'Have you never forgiven anyone before?'
'Never.'
'I now that you are trying to look out for me, but a life with nothing other than revenge is boring.'
'Fair enough. You can leave her alone then. Ignore all my opinions. Be selfless enough to not exist.'
'...' His silence said it all. I knew for a fact that my own anger was unjustified even as a friend.
'Evil is always wrong.' He finally spat out. As if it was a bottom line that even he wouldn't cross.
Why do I feel like the bad guy here?
'Suit yourself... You are better this way anyway.' I put down my hatchet and called this a draw.
I didn't lose whatsoever...!
'I am still pissed that she called me a bimbo before though. So if you forgive her: prank her on my behalf. I might have to do something reckless if you at choose not to fight for me.' I could feel the chill running down his spine after hearing these words.
"Dorothy."
"Hmmm." She responded a little meekly.
"Do you not like your sister?" He asked as a way to start off the conversation in a natural way. Though his curiosity on their relationship probably played a big factor in why he asked this particular question.
"I do... we both love each other." She said while hiding her face. Angelica smile from a distance.
"Okay, then about that girl who you met... She has already left." These words had surprises her.
"Didn't you want her as a second wife...?"
"She was just a friend I made recently."
"Then, if you see her again... Please tell her I might have overreacted a little." She knew what he was trying to say and was the first one to apologise for that day. Although the apology itself was flimsy, it was enough for me. I didn't be too petty.
'Is that enough for you...?'
'It is. I am satisfied with her apology.'
'Even though it was... like that?'
'I learnt that people who eat their pride and apologise for their mistakes are rare. I am not unreasonable, I myself can also forgive people if it is just this much.' I knew this was uncharacteristic of me but I guess this was me trying to change...
'Anyway... You understand her past now, right?'
'I have no clue.'
I could tell that he was subconsciously rejecting a theory he came up with upon seeing the way she was acting. He was quick on the uptake, but his heart didn't want to believe what he thought of.
'You are ignoring the possibilities again.'
'I really have no idea what you are trying to say.'
'As a friend of yours, it is my duty to call you out on your toxicity. Denial will NOT help you at all.'
'I am not denying anything...'
'...' This stubborn idiot won't even accept it already!
'Fine then... Let me answer the question you asked me before. Why did Dorothy do what she did?'
'I am not interested anymore. That is in the past.'
'There used to be a little girl ignored by her parents and the world at large.' I ignored what he wanted.
'I said I am not interested...!
'She had one friend she wanted to get close to, but didn't know how to go about it. That's why, she asked the only other person who gave her attention to advise her.' I shifted my gaze.
'Please... STOP!'
'Her dearest younger sister.' I didn't continue since this information was enough to put things in order.
Why was Dorothy the way she was? Why was her understanding of love so messed up? The answer to that is his own words... all she did was do onto others what she thought others should do to her.
As a way to close the deal, I even sent him the images of what I had found while looking through the house they had lived in. In a dark dungeon, the figure of Angelica appeared in front of a beaten Dorothy. The smile of the younger sister's face was the same as she had right now. It was a conniving smile hidden underneath an air of sincere affection.
Suddenly, before he could get immersed in the images, someone knocked on the door. He quickly used this opportunity to ignore the images I was trying to show him and got up to open it. He looked like anything was better than continuing this.
I knew he was putting his emotions to the side and trying to do a task the same way I did in the past, a complicated look appeared on my expression as I faced this irony. Then I let him off the hook.
'Now that I think about it. A Knight was supposed to thank you for killing those Goblins before.'
'I have to go greet them.'
'Wait!' He stopped just before opening the door.
'I feel like it is going to be another girl.'
'Why do you think that?'
'You have a skill called Harem Protagonist Ultra Ex.'
'I DO NOT have that!'
'We will see then. Open the door for the new harem candidate,' I egged him on... and after he put my nonsense to the side, he opened the door. The result was so funny! I have to thank the stars by hoe accurate my guess was. Could I see the future? I was laughing so loudly that my lungs (if I had a physical body) would've started to hurt.
'You know I called it~' I spoke while looking at the neatly dressed girl who was confused by the odd expression that appeared on Bob's face. Her eyes seemed altruistic as she introduced herself.