บท 59: Doctor Jekyll Realises ‘Her Own’ Name
I knew that the the first thing I should do is gather information about how Dorothy was related that organisation had a personal grudge towards, there was another matter that had to be death with first:
"Why didn't you react when you saw my arm regenerate? Don't try to act like it didn't happen. I clearly saw you react after seeing her break my arm in half." This only occurred to me just now.
Normally, you'd want to get rid of someone from an enemy nation or species that wants to harm you. At least that was common sense on this world, so why did Bob defend me regardless of my affiliation?
"...Regenerating doesn't mean you're from the Blood Nation. You could have some sort of unexplainable power... like Dorothy." Although these words were reasonable, I still found it hard to believe that he wouldn't doubt my origins.
After all, how would a normal person react when someone was to say that they wanted to 'collect' the unexplainable power of others and could use a similar ability to humanity's current worst enemy.
"You said it before: That a Dark Mage seeking power sounds evil." I probed him further.
"I also said I didn't mind, didn't I? It only sound evil on the surface." He brushed off my words.
"...I could end up endangering you, or I might stab you in the back despite your kindness."
"You won't. And even if you did, it was my own choice to follow that advice I heard from a Priest."
"Which was...?" Now this was getting interesting.
"All things therefore whatsoever ye would that men should do onto you, even so do ye would do onto them: for this is the law of the prophets. Therefore all thing whatever ye would that should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." He said something familiar.
"In plainer and more modern words: Do onto others as you would do onto them." Was how he finished.
Why did that would like plagiarism? Mathew 7:12?
I guess only Humans needed a hundred words to explain why they shouldn't be an ass to each other.
For Beasts, this was common sense, but Humans was the only species that needed to be taught such a simple thing. Though it's not like I couldn't understand why people wouldn't listen to it.
I myself had always done my best throughout my life to be a good person, but what did end up with in my past life? Bullied, that's what. I lived in a world where meek 'goodness' wasn't welcomed.
"I didn't think you were religious." I always thought Bob to be more of an nihilist with a good heart.
"This is one of the well-known verses in the Holy Church's bible. I go there sometimes. Although my faith in God has wavered, I'm still have belief in this one verse." These faithful words were spoken like someone who truly gained insight into the world.
"Sounds catholic."
"What's that?" Damn, I forgot this wasn't Earth.
"Nothing. Why does your words sound more like the law of karma? Is 'being good' worth it?" I found it hard to believe after what had happened to Sapphire, wasn't she a 'good person' herself?
"You misunderstood the point."
"I did, huh? Then tell me what it your personal opinion on this. What's the benefit of this verse?"
"It's not supposed to satisfy you in a materialistic sense. It's supposed to satisfy your heart."
"Why would my heart need this 'satisfaction'?" As I spoke these words, he moved his mouth silently.
I could see that he wanted to say something to me but was holding back. Hmmm, why do I feel like he has better intuition than I give him credit for? Why does his eyes contain a glint of pity in them?
"Because without this will, you wouldn't know if you deserved good things or not..." He forced a smile.
I couldn't understand him one bit. Why would you need to deserve good things? Just take it from others... That's how I've always lived. I mean, how else could I live a life without... without...
No, perhaps 'I' am the one who's wrong. Why do I feel so self-cantered compared to him?
Argh...! Such unconditional kindness isn't the type of thing I see often, but I can't deny it anymore...
"My motto has always been: Do what you want but don't be a jerk." He spoke while avoiding my eyes.
"Now that is a religion I can get behind." Even though I spoke jovially, my mind was wondering.
It was to the point the point that I felt like there was a rock in my throat, emotions arose too drastically.
This always happens due to my weak heart... Why can't I keep calm anymore? I feel so much regret.
Why is it I failed to meet someone like him earlier?
If I had met him, would I have attained salvation?
Even if I hadn't, I'm sure I wouldn't have so many regrets... So much I couldn't forgive myself for.
It was at this time did I ponder on the meaning behind this body of mine... Why is it that I had subconsciously become a 'shadow'? Wasn't it Damian who is supposed to be the shadow?
He is the past, and I am the future. At least, that's what I've always saw it as... Until now.
'Do not think about it.' Damian's voice rang in my head at that moment, his voice seemed deeper than normal, as if he didn't like the direction of my thoughts, causing my heart to be conflicted.
Again, I was presented with the same problem as before, but now, I looked at it all objectively.
'Stop thinking about it!' His voice rang out again but I still chose to not give it any attention.
Was I really worthy of being a 'conscience'?
And now that I think about it, why is Damian's desires different from my own? Even though I rejected him, he still finds value in me... There's definitely something in the big picture I'm missing.
"What's wrong?" I could feel a worried voice enter my ear as the puppet body of mind collapsed.
My brain was working at such a speed that I couldn't even spare any concentration to control it anymore. Although I could feel him catching me and gently putting me on the sofa, somehow I felt the urge to trust that he would take advantage of me even at this moment. That's why I made the decision to not bother with anything and think.
Think think think. Simon, you know for a fact that thinking less is never good advice. So think!
Retrospect, interpret events in a different way and see a whole new perspective you never knew.
Don't ever stop retrospecting. After all, this is how you matured in your past life. Every year you'd sit down and look back on your actions to see how you could improve, thus causing to regret so much.
You regret... but is that bad thing?
'It is!'
Why so?
'Because it means we can never be perfect.'
Humans aren't meant to be perfect.
'Even so, you know we are the type to strive for our own perfection. That is just how we are...'
Can't we change in any meaningful way?
'Stop thinking. We are of the same mind and the same heart, you are my 'conscience'. So... return!'
But am I really though?
'...What are you talking about?' Although his acting was good, there's no way I couldn't see through it.
In my own dreamworld, one that looked exactly like the house I was currently residing in, Bob seemed nervous as he held my puppet body's hand. There was a look in his eyes that was familiar to me.
Why did it look a lot like Sapphire's?
At that moment I was thinking that, the body of Damian Stuman appeared like a hallucination.
I guess this is like an out-of-body experience...?
"Why are you thinking so much?"
"Why are you stopping me from thinking?" I quipped back at this nagging 'brother' of mine.
"Because you don't need to think." He spoke resolutely while pointing his hand to Bob.
"You are a guy and he is someone you met just a day ago. Aren't you acting a little too close?"
"...There's something I'm curious about." These words stopped him in his tracks. For the first time ever, he refused to look at me. It was as if he was trying to hide away emotions that I'd notice.
"Go ahead and ask."
"No need to tell me. I was just wondering, is it true that we are of one mind, soul, and heart?" I left out body since we had split that up already. There was a suspicious tone in my voice as I looked at him.
"You already know that better than me, Doctor Jekyll." He laughed but still didn't face me directly.
"If I truly am the 'Doctor Jekyll' of this story, then why am I the shadow? Why do YOU seem real?"
"Obviously, it's because you are my 'conscience' that only knows how to lie. Isn't that why you call yourself Simon?" Hah, he's right, but I felt that there was a deeper meaning in his words...
"It sounds too convenient."
"You are thinking too deeply into things."
"Really, am I really 'thinking too deeply' now?"
"You know, it's strange. How can two desires be able to live in one body? Why don't you kill me?"
"..." He seemed unmoved by these words.
"Normally, that's just how desires work. I never thought myself to be the type be so indecisive."
"...Do you really want to die?" The last thing I said finally made a crack in his mask as he growled.
"What do you mean by 'die'? How can I die when I have no soul? Aren't you contradicting yourself?"
"Your stepping over my bottom line." His face seemed to ask why I'm being so combative now.
"So what? Anyway, I remember seeing something in the past I can use an a perfect analogy for this."
"Stop it..."
"A fire within a fire, a heart within a heart." I spoke while remembering how my 'flame' once looked.
"From what I can tell, the reason I could split my body in the first place is because our souls are separated. In fact, the whole reason you want to assimilate me is to get that half of the soul."
"That's not- I wasn't thinking that." He shook his head in denial without hesitating one bit.
"Oh~ Is this what it looks like, could it be~?" My mouth made a thin smile as I walked up to the man who previously looked like a giant. Now, as I looked down on him, I spoke very bitingly at him:
"You grew a conscience~? Really, really? Did it actually take snatching what's mine to get that?" I forcefully turned his head to make him look directly at me, but his eyes still couldn't look at my own.
"You're Simon, aren't you?" Finally, as if I hit the nail on the head, his expression changed fully.
He no longer looked like 'Damian' anymore, that disguise he had on was peeled off my me personally. I knew for sure, that this 'Sibling' was the same one who called himself by another name.
"You're wrong, I am now Chaos. You, Harmony, have always been the one called Simon."
"I know that already. Of course I know that before you arrived in my body, I, Harmony was Simon."
"Then why...?" He spoke in a weakened tone.
"Should you really be asking that? The moment our reincarnation completed: 'Damian became Simon'."
"...This wasn't my intention." He finally looked at me in the eye and spoke to me with sincerity.
"I know it wasn't, but in the end of the day, you took everything that made me 'Simon' from me and left me as only a shadow of my former self. The only name I truly own now is the title Enigma had given me, Harmony, and nothing else."
"Even so, I can fix this if we merge into one. Both you and me can be 'Simon and Damian'. We don't have to fight each other." He tried to persuade me again, as if he wanted to atone for his mistake.
"Oh, but we really do. After all, I don't want to be Simon OR Damian anymore." I said to him cheekily.
To me, the burdens of Simon and the regrets of Damian weren't my own anymore. Perhaps from the very beginning, I had never been 'Damian', and the moment Chaos arrived into 'his body', I had lost my right to consider myself his reincarnation.
Was my existence as 'Simon' even real? No, the main point I have is: I am not even him anymore.
Should I consider myself 'Eve'?
"...What are you saying? Are you throwing away your past? The are you abandoning your desires!"
"No, not one bit. I'm fulfilling the original desire I had before coming to this world." Putting everything together using a different perspective than before, I can only choose to start my life from scratch. There's something I always wanted.
"I don't remember... What do you mean?"
"I want to properly 'reincarnate'." I don't want any connections to Chaos anymore, I want to be 'me'!
"You have already reincarnated...!"
"More specifically, I 'had'. However, you took that from me. You took all that made me 'Simon'."
"I won't act the way you please if you try severing our bond again! I will never forgive you!" Even as he spoke, his body started to fade from my dreamworld as our connection became wobbly.
"That's fine... So what if Simon gains the title of Chaos. As long as he has the same qualities as I had integrated into him as well as the old man named Damian's regrets, then I can trust him."
"You can't trust me! I will ruin everything!" His voice came out hysterically, but I held him firmly.
"Then follow this friend's advice. This time: Only do to others what you want them to do in return." I pointed at the man who was taking care of me even now with unconditional kindness.
"That's just sophistry and you know it!"
"I only know that it will become more than that if you follow your conscience." I brushed him off.
"Screw that! It goes against the 'common sense' I built up. That's the only way I know how to live!"
"Now anymore." I spoke as half his body had already turned to ashes breezing in the wind.
"...I-" He made a confused expression in response.
"As Simon, you can choose to live differently. I will leave the burdens of your decisions to you."
"You... Are you really abandoning me?" His voice became softer as if it was losing its strength.
"Don't cry. Men don't cry so easily." My smile was still the same as I held myself in my arms.
"Then why are you crying as well?" I ignored his words and my blurred vision to quip back at him:
"I can, because I'm a girl now."
"You're not." He spoke in a matter-of-fact way.
"Who says I'm not a girl? After all, do people get to choose what they are in their next reincarnation?"
"You're only trying to disgust me..."
"That's true, but without that 'disgust'. You might come to bother me again. Think of it as a charm to make sure you don't do the same thing again. After all, you're a 'straight guy', aren't you?" I laughed as I kept him close on the last meeting we'll ever have.
"I will change my taste..." He clenched his teeth.
"You won't. You already have a girl in your heart already, so that won't ever happen." I didn't exactly say who it was, but his eyes seemed shocked that I even knew. Does he think only he can spy?
"Please don't abandon me." I said straightforwardly with a weakness that made others pity him.
"Why make me sound like the bad guy? I'm only making you take responsibility for your actions."
"Is this supposed to be punishment? I'm sorry for what I did before." I ignored his pleas indifferently.
"Never. You just have to deal with what you've reincarnated into, don't ever forget your 'names'."
"If you're not Simon or Damian anymore, then who are you supposed to be? What is your identity?"
"I already had one the moment I came into this world-" Just before he vanished, I finish with:
"My name is Harmony."
When I opened my eyes, I looked up at Bob who was trying to wrap his head around what he could do and what was happening to me. The more I looked at him, the more reluctant I felt.
"...There go my 'straightness'." I sighed quietly.
"You're awake?! And wait, what are you talking about?" It looks like he picked up my words.
"I have this Magic I want to use. It will help you escape Dorothy's clutches and help me find a new lease on life. Will you help me out?" I grinned while extending my arms towards him 'weakly'.
"What is-" But just before he could finish his sentence, I grabbed his collar and threw him.
The next thing he knew, he pinned to the ground in a rather ambiguous way. Though there wasn't any ripples in my heart as I looked at him, the shadow beneath him squirmed as it restricted him fully.
"What do you want to do?" I could tell that his heart's trauma was still deep thanks to how apparent the fear in his eyes became. Though I had no intention of actually doing 'that' to him.
"You know, I'm not actually a Dark Mage."
"...Then what are you?"
"Much worse, I am a 'Monster'. One who created a special ability for herself that can only be initiated with someone she holds close. The name of this ability is called 'Lunar Harmonisation'." I didn't need Chaos anymore as I figured this out on my own.
"Why are you calling yourself 'she' now?" His voice was fearful as he seemed to have already guessed I was a Monstrous Beast some time ago. I don't get his priorities considering the situation he's in...
"Since I no longer have a 'past life', I'm considering this life to be my 'first life'. It's not like souls have genders anyway. Since I have a female body, why not accept the fact that I'm a girl now?"
"Are you really okay with this? Even if Dorothy is our enemy, I'm sure she'll help you change back to your original gender without any conflicts." Though he seemed to want to empathise, he couldn't.
There's no way he could understand what it's like to lose your 'identity' as a Male so easily... I'm not doing this out of spite, that would be living in bad faith. All I want to do is to 'become a new person'.
I want to change myself. I want to be independent from Chaos. That's why I'll finally use my true ability if my core. I don't want to fight for only myself anymore, but if it is for another... I'll do it!
That's why I chose to 'harmonise' with someone I can trust, and someone who can trust me as well.
"Wait, what are you trying to do?!" His heart nearly jumped out of his throat after seeing me unbuttoning his shirt. Oh! I guess this really does look to ambiguous when put in his perspective.
"You said you'll help me 'harmonise'."
"I didn't!" He denied while trembling fearfully.
"Don't struggle. I'm only taking off your shirt since we need a lot of skin contact for this to work." I stopped joking around and took out my Skeletal Staff and Plant Dress, my body started to glow.
"I have this Skill Root turned Ability Core called Horn of the Moon God, it's Auxiliary Skill that should have taken a different form that I'll call 'Laws' for now, are subsidiary techniques."
"I don't know what your talking about." He looked at me as if I was trying to change the subject.
"What I mean to say is... My actual body isn't this bundle of flesh in front of you. It's actually..." Just as I ended my words, I pointed at the shadow underneath him. This caused his eyes to widen.
"You're kidding."
"I wish I was." Why would I lie about this?
"Then how does 'harmonisation' work."
"Through a big hug. When the 'harmonisation' is complete, I'll forever be your shadow."
"...What?" He looked like he was on the verge of understanding yet still didn't know what I meant.
Since he was taller than he despite me being the one who mounted him, I just moved back a little and opened my arms. The shadow beneath him stopped restricting him as got up a little.
I could sense what he was feeling. The glows of the four 'limbs' of my shadowy body made him doubt.
"I won't just disappear."
"You won't...?"
"There's a lot I want to live for in the future. I also want to meet my good friend one day as well."
"Then... okay." The moment he was close enough to my arms, I hugged him myself to carry things along. When the my melon bags squeezed into his chest, his ears reddened from embarrassment.
Once my ability activated, the puppet body I had been using this whole time started to melt. He was shocked by this development as I expected and only now understood that I had been leading him on quickly so he wouldn't worry about me.
To me, losing this puppet body meant nothing to me. I was fine with letting it assimilate into him.
The shadow beneath him also started squirming as his whole body started to be 'devoured' into it. The first thing Bob's mother, who had decided to come home early, saw: Was an empty living room.
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FlowingWaves
FlowingWaves If anyone is wondering why I haven’t been updating recently, it’s because I binge read The Second Coming of Gluttony. In a few words, I found that story a breath of fresh air because girls don’t think of laying the guy they have a crush on first and actually start off with checking if he’s single or kisses first. Rather than bedding him instantly.
On the other hand, any complaints about this chapter can be directed to how much I am not taking ‘no’ for an answer. I choose the plot!