บท 20: Truth - Part 7
"I've changed my opinion of you, Chase."
The room has reverted to the way it was before.
Momoka and I are seated at opposing ends of the table. The two of us are sitting face to face just as we were before Jennifer and Ryan had shown up.
I had already finished my burger before he entered the room, but Momoka didn't get much of a chance at her food so she's still digging in. Unfortunately, the air conditioning had made the meat rather cool so she wasn't having the best of times with it.
"That's… nice. Does that mean I'm no longer a spineless chicken?"
"Don't be silly. You're the still the biggest chicken I've ever met. When you stuttered like a fourth grader back there I was on the verge of dying of second-hand embarrassment."
Don't reproach me for nearly biting my tongue off!
"But still, I seem to have misunderstood why Scarlet may have taken an interest in you."
"What do you mean?"
"It's not that you're brave, Chase. That's not why you protected her from Jack last week, and that's not why you stood up to Jennifer for her either. You're just a very protective person. When someone you care about is backed against the wall, your brain runs like clockwork and you somehow work yourself into a solution that benefits everyone."
She's giving me praises I don't deserve. It's like she's trying her hardest to show gratitude without saying thank you.
"That said Chase, I understand that you realized he had actual feelings for me, but how did you know he was a… a wee.. Weeo…"
"Weeaboo? Well, it was just a feeling I got. He kinda reminded me of Sig."
"Of that depraved insect? In what way?"
Dude, that's my friend you're talking about.
"Hmmm, I guess the two of them idolize you in the same way. It's like, they weren't exactly looking at you as a person, but it wasn't exactly lustful either. In any case, it was so bad that he kept approaching you no matter how obvious you made your disinterest. Kinda like with Sig, right? It felt like if anything, he saw you as more of a goddess than a girl. "
Which is why that assault had probably hurt him more than she'd even realized. To be trampled over by someone you idolized like that must be heartbreaking.
"A goddess, then?"
She sighs.
"Hey Chase. Do you want to know the reason?"
"T-the reason? You mean for rejecting him? I already know that, don't I?"
"No, not for rejecting him. For hurting him. It's not something I've spoken to anyone about before today, but… Well, I suppose I could tell you to show my gratitude... and my regret."
"Gratitude, and regret?"
"As a thank you for warning me about it and then protecting me, and as an apology for manipulating you into staying here with me."
Well at least she's honest, though I kind of realized it immediately.
Momoka slides the book carefully across the desk and in my direction.
It's the same novel she told me about earlier.
Norwegian Wood.
A famous adult novel by Japanese author Haruki Murakami.
In this book lies the secret to her attack on Ryan earlier today. But as I see it right now, it's just an ordinary book. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know just from looking at it so I find it difficult to say my next words.
"Um… What about it?"
She looks down at some random corner of the room while laying her cheek on her arm.
"The truth is, I've never been to my parent's country before."
The words were like a lump in her throat that almost refused to escape her lips. It was already apparent enough that this explanation was going to be hard on her.
"Anything I'd known about it as a kid was something I had heard through them. I've always been enraptured by the differences in the cultures of the west and Japan and I enjoyed learning about them through my parents. It was a fun experience for the young me. I felt connected to their homeland simply by hearing stories and explanations about it through them."
But as she's explaining it to me, her pupils begin to darken.
"Lo and behold, when I entered middle school I began to see Japan in a completely different light. After a while, all of these kids who had watched something called "Anime" were telling me all sorts of new things about Japan that I'd never heard about before. They used strange Japanese words like "senpai" and "kawaii", and acted as if I was supposed to understand any of it simply because I'm Japanese. But really, how could I? My parents only ever spoke to me in English, and they went the extra mile to only speak to each other around the house in English when I was present. After all, they loved America and wanted me to grow up knowing the language of the land I had been born in."
"…"
"It hurt to not know these things, though. I felt that those kids were somehow superior to me when they paraded all of this unknown knowledge over me. Thanks to that, I felt neither American nor Japanese. There was suddenly an invisible barrier sectioning me off from both cultures and I wound up feeling insecure and confused for most of that year. I mean, think about it. How would you feel if you moved to France and kids started idolizing you and talking to you about the NFL? If you didn't know much about it you'd feel inadequate despite being from the country they worshiped, right?"
I can't deny that. I don't know much about football so I can imagine how unsettling it would be.
"I hated myself because of that feeling, and so I ended up holding a grudge against my parents for not teaching me more about the country they were from. It was so bad that I exploded one day and I screeched accusations of them hating me at the top of my lungs. Honestly, I felt like I could just crawl into a hole for the rest of my life after that incident. I still wish I could take it back. The guilt from that day follows me even now."
She pauses for a moment.
Her voice went a bit shaky near the end.
Perhaps saying this all out loud was making the memories real again to her. Actually, rather than pausing it felt like she was simply unable to say a word.
Fearful that if she might, the emotions from back then might all come back at once.
I only stare at her petite figure silently. That's because it feels almost wrong to say anything at this moment in time. If I make one wrong move here, then I could make it worse by possibly saying something insensitive.
Eventually though, she does manage to calm herself, and her story continues through the silence.
"I found myself sneaking into their room when they were away one day. I wanted to gather any information that I could about Japan. Naturally I could have just used the internet, but I think that approaching it this way felt like revenge against the parents who kept all of those things away from me. I just needed something–anything that could set me apart from the kids who had known things about my parents' country that I didn't."
I look down at the book.
Norwegian Wood.
It's a book titled after a Beatles song, so ordinarily you wouldn't think it was originally written in an island country from the east. But somehow, she managed to recognize it as Japanese literature. That just goes to show how extensively she had searched through their belongings at that time.
"That book was the only English piece of writing related to Japan in their room. The contents were a bit complicated, I'll admit. It took me ages to get through even a single chapter. But that wasn't merely due to the complexity of the language used. I only wished to squeeze every single tidbit about Japan that I could out of each page. It took me a full week of nonstop reading and research to complete the book."
She stops suddenly.
The tense atmosphere of the room felt almost tangible to me.
After a few seconds of bathing in that silence, her eyes focused onto me.
"Do you know what I realized after I'd finished this book?"
"W-what's that?"
I only noticed it as I responded.
She was smiling brightly
"I realized that I loved America."
It was a smile that would put every other smile of hers to shame. It wasn't overly joyful or anything, but something about it seemed genuine.
Yeah.
It's weird, isn't it?
It's weird for her to realize that after she finally managed to learn more about Japan.
Let's put it this way. It wouldn't be surprising if you interpreted that statement like this: "This book has shown me how unpleasant living in Japan must be, therefore I am grateful to be living in America."
However, that smile told me that this was not the case for her. In fact, the book had probably given her a newfound appreciation for her parents' homeland, as well as the talented author who had put together such a compelling story.
But if that's the case, then why did she only realize her love for America after reading this book?
The answer is simple.
If she had grown up in Japan, she would only have been able to experience this "Japan" while growing up. She would mainly have Japanese food, she would mainly socialize with Japanese people, she would mainly read Japanese books, and most importantly, she would mainly be exposed to Japanese.
That was the barrier of her parents' homeland. The barrier of her culture. While it wasn't impossible to overcome, it certainly required a lot more effort than simply being born in America, and you probably wouldn't see the reward for your efforts until you were already an adult.
"Books really are amazing, aren't they? Just by picking one up, it felt like I was able to travel to Japan and live there myself for a short time. I met new people, I saw new places, and I even experienced adult situations without ever leaving my room."
Her voice is still shaky. She's probably still a bit unsettled at exposing her secrets to someone like me, but she seems to have calmed down a bit compared to earlier.
"But despite that, this book taught me to appreciate the country that I was raised in. A culture where people of all backgrounds and ethnicities can come together and start their new lives. If it wasn't for America, I'd never have met Jennifer or Scarlet. I also wouldn't have met as many people of so many different backgrounds and origins. This is what my parents foresaw when they sacrificed their lives and connections in Japan to move to America. They saw the potential to raise a child who was in tune with the rest of the world. It's embarrassing to only realize why my parents had come here after reading about Japan for myself. It's is a beautiful country and I'd probably be happy if I were raised there as well, but I won't beat myself up over the opportunity that my parents granted me with by raising me here."
For a moment, it appears as if she's thinking about what to say next. The sudden catharsis from getting all of this out must be pushing her to keep going.
"I love Japan, Chase. I love Japan, and I love America. Therefore, I choose to be both Japanese and American. This book placed within me an identity that I thought I'd lost when those kids approached me with their strange phrases. It taught me to be prideful of my parents' homeland, and to be prideful of the land I was raised in. That's why I couldn't forgive Ryan for treating it like some kind of dirty object. This book saved me and made into the person I am today. To act as if it's something so unholy… It made me angry. Irrationally angry. I regret feeling that way now, but at that moment I truly felt as if he deserved to die.."
"…"
It was heavy.
That book, Norwegian Wood.
To her, that book carried the weight of her entire identity as a human being on this planet.
At least on some level, I understand why she felt so disrespected by Ryan. Hell I'm kinda pissed myself after hearing that. Haruki Murakami's novel stands for her newfound identity. Of course she'd feel agitated if someone treated it like garbage.
And yet still, she was in the wrong.
It's wrong to be violent. Regardless of how mistreated you felt, regardless of how justified you think you are in doing so, it is undeniably wrong to be violent. This is even more apparent when you consider the fact that he had no idea what that book had meant to her. She understands that, so it doesn't need to be said, but I needed to reaffirm within myself that I am sympathizing with the bad guy.
But what I also took away from this whole situation is that sometimes, even if they're in the wrong, the attacker might just be the one who deserves more of your sympathy. You have no idea what drives a person to lash out violently like that. I can't imagine how worthless she'd felt when he did that.
"I had no idea you went through that kind of identity crisis."
That's the only thing I could say in response. Empty words that don't really mean anything.
"It's only natural that you wouldn't. This all happened in middle school. And besides, not only is this the third week of high school, but it's also our first day of actually conversing with one another. It would be stranger if you knew anything about me at all."
"That certainly is true. But Momoka, doesn't that mean you'd hold a grudge against people like Sig and Ryan?"
"Huh? Why would I hold a grudge against Sigmund?"
"W-well, I mean, didn't people like him make you question your own identity in the first place?"
"Yes, but that alone is hardly worth holding a grudge over. Just like with Ryan, I may have been angry at first, but they didn't mean any harm to me in the end so there's no point in holding any grudges. And besides, the only reason I don't like anime is because it panders to a demographic that I am unfortunately not a part of. If I were, then I wouldn't mind enjoying a few binge sessions every now and then, but as it stands now I'm simply not interested. And I am certainly not interested in any man who sees me as another one of those annoyingly cutesy anime girls."
So she's basically forcing me to reject Sig for her too, huh?
What a failure.
I did all of this because it was his idea, only to find out that she hates guys like him. If that isn't irony then I don't know what is.
"Hmm, come to think of it, you and Jennifer were friends in middle school too, right? How come you never told her about that?"
"Well, that's probably because Jennifer sees me as someone who wouldn't be moved by human feelings like insecurity. It's important that I keep up my image as a strong and resilient person. I'd appreciate it if you left it like that by keeping this a secret. Or else…"
"Or else?"
"I'll kill you."
My body tenses up.
The threat feels very real. The image of her stomping over Ryan's face is still clear in my mind. If there's a chance that I could end up in such a situation then I think I'd be better off respecting her wishes.
But more than anything, I'm surprised that even that brutally honest girl had some things she'd rather keep secret. I guess no human being is safe from insecurity, huh?
"I'll respect you since you trusted me enough to tell me about it. But if I'm being honest, even after hearing that story, I still see you as a very strong and resilient woman. Hell, maybe even more so than before."
"What makes you say that?"
Huh, I'm kind of surprised that she doesn't know what I mean. I guess since she hadn't told anyone before she didn't have the opportunity to hear out a second opinion before now.
"It's just that, everyone has their own troubles, but not everyone can find a solution alone the way you did. You immediately noticed what was making you uncomfortable and, rather than looking away from it, you acted out and worked towards a solution that made you feel adequate again. That alone makes you one of the strongest people I've ever met."
She blushes and finds herself looking away.
"Q-quite the sweet talker aren't you, Chase? I can see why Scarlet's so interested in you."
"Interested? No, she…"
Doesn't see me that way?
I can't say that. That would blow our entire cover.
But the truth is, she isn't very interested in me, is she?
"What are you saying? That girl's been talking about you all week."
… Huh?
"You tried to stop Jack from hitting on her, right? She told me the entire story last Wednesday. You squeezed yourself between the two of them and tried to get her out but you got hit by one of his friends. Well, to be honest I did think that the ending of the story made you seem a bit pathetic."
"Dude."
"But at the very least, Scarlet thought it was quite sweet of you."
Ugh…
I'm blushing aren't I? Goddammit Scarlet, why does someone so basic have to be so damn cute all the time?!
"So? Why have you been avoiding her since then?"
Me? Avoiding her?
"No no, it's the other way around. She's the one who's been avoiding me. She dodges eye contact and won't even say hello. Why am I the one being blamed for this?"
"Hmm… So both of you think the other one is avoiding you, huh? I see I see, things must be terribly awkward then."
"Maybe, but it's not nearly as awkward as what's going on between you and Sig."
"Haaa, you don't have to tell me twice."
She sighs out of frustration. Still, it's surprising to hear that she's been targeted by those types of people for such a long time. It's no wonder it gets on her nerves."
"Speaking of which, make sure you thank him for me."
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb. You're here because he asked you to be here for me, right?"
Wait, huh?
"H-how did you know that?!"
"I saw the two of you staring at me back then. It was easy to figure out afterwards. Of course he'd want to protect me if he heard Ryan say something like that. "
"Wait, even if that's true Momoka, I'm the one who helped you right? There's no reason to assume that he had anything to do with it."
I push forward.
My curiosity is getting the better of me.
It would probably be wiser to just hand the compliment over to Sig, but that isn't enough for me.
I need to know why because something isn't adding up here.
And as it turns out, pushing forward was the correct decision after all.
"It's not that he didn't, but he couldn't. After all, he isn't allowed within ten feet of me."
Ten feet?
Come to think of it, he's never gotten very close to her, has he? I've never seen him say so much as a word to her either.
I'd always thought that he was just afraid of her, but that does contradict the story Momoka gave at lunch the other day. In that story he was quite assertive when pursuing her.
Still, to be forced away from the girl you love like that and still persist… She must really be a goddess to him.
It seems that I may have misunderstood his reasoning for sending me in his place.
"Look, Momoka."
"Hmm? You're free to call me Momo."
"… Look, Momo."
My face turns red.
It's a bit too cutesy, even for me. Maybe I'll call her Momoka after all. Hell even Kudo is sounding kinda good right now.
"I don't know how you feel about Sig, but…"
"He's revolting."
"… But, I think you should probably take back that rule."
"Huh? Why? Do you have any idea how annoying that friend of yours is?"
"No, that's not why you made it in place. There's another reason for that."
"Another… reason?"
"Yeah. One you might not even notice yourself. No, you probably noticed it after what happened with Ryan today."
It'd be a little weird if she didn't.
Momoka is usually straight-forward with her words. In fact, I would call it her defining trait. But if that's the case then why did she avoid telling Ryan the truth for so long? What about this situation was so different from every other situation before now?
She stares intently at me, which only dissuades me from going further.
"T-that is, um…"
"I'll cook you alive if you don't hurry up, chicken."
"What kind of savage cooks chickens alive?!"
I catch myself from yelling too loudly. It's really hard to avoid getting caught in her pace.
"Well, I think the truth of the matter is that you don't like rejecting weeaboos."
She stops to ponder this for a moment.
The silence hangs in the air, as if she's seriously considering the words I just said.
But eventually, she gives in.
"I don't get it. What makes you say that?"
"I noticed this while looking at Sig, but… Weeaboos are constantly surrounding themselves in uh… waifus all the time, right? They attach themselves to these fictional girls and marry them in their heads without any real problems arising. But think about it, these girls are fictional meaning there's no reason they'd be able to reject anyone as partners."
"Naturally, since the relationship is all in their heads."
"So what happens when you, a girl who is supposedly a 'real life waifu', rejects their… confession?"
It only took a second.
I don't know exactly caused it.
Perhaps it was the term 'real life waifu'?
I'm not sure.
But something inside of Momoka had snapped for a moment.
And in her eyes, I saw pain.
The pain of a girl who had been through a lot more than I could have imagined just from hearing her story from earlier.
"You're right."
But just as quickly as I had noticed it, that pain was quickly numbed. And in its place was the Momoka Kudo that I had come to know today.
She doesn't say any more.
I think the reason she was able to share the truth behind Norwegian Wood with me was because subconsciously, she had suddenly realized that there was something worse lurking within her. Another dark middle school memory, but one without a happy ending.
One that she had suddenly remembered, but was on the verge of burying once again until I brought it up.
"Momo, I don't know what happened to you, and I can't promise that I can help you with it. But trust me when I say that Sig isn't like those other kids. I've only known him for a short time, but he's one of the nicest, most genuine friends I've ever made to this day. I don't think that barrier of yours is necessary with him."
"And why… Should I believe that? You don't know them, Chase. You don't understand how depraved they can get. How entitled they feel toward things like love and romance. Those kinds of people are scary. Their love is almost a violation of basic human rights. It's abuse."
Abuse, huh.
This sounds… A lot worse than I thought.
Now that I think about it, I have absolutely no idea what she went through back then. I'm probably overstepping if I insist on going further with this.
But still, I don't want her to bottle it up again. I don't want to pry it open, but at the very least, she shouldn't just let it fester the way she is now.
"Momo, Sig isn't like that."
"Yes, but how can you-"
"Because he didn't just blindly run in to protect you when you were in danger."
"… What?"
"In the first place, I don't think what those kids felt towards you was love. It's more likely that they saw you as something cute that they had to keep for themselves. Like a puppy or a kitten. Only, it was as a member of the opposite gender rather than as a pet. It was that kind of unsightly entitlement towards romance. But Momo, I can guarantee you that Sig isn't like that. After all, what kind of entitled brat would hold back his desire to be with you and let another man defend the very thing he loves so dearly?"
In his mind, it had probably hurt to forfeit her to me. Even now, he's probably scared that something romantic may have sparked between the two of us. However, he swallowed it down. In this scenario, he had no choice but to swallow it down.
"It's because he was more concerned about your safety than his feelings for you."
"…"
I say it with certainty.
There isn't a single lie in my words.
He never made it apparent to her that it was his idea either. That was something she'd figured out on her own. This was purely out of concern for the woman of his dreams, with no expectations of receiving anything in return. It was a surprisingly mature decision for someone like him. I don't know if I could do it myself.
"So…"
"Enough, I get it. I just need to let him know that he's free to talk to me again, right?"
I nod, and with that she sighs.
"Unbelievable. I take back my praise. Scarlet's gotten herself a rather nosy boyfriend, hasn't she? I'm going to throw you out of the window if you stick your nose into anything else today."
"Yeah? Like you're one to talk. Doing a full psyche evaluation over a chess match. Do you think you're on an episode of Dr. Phil or something?"
The two of us glare at one another in hostility, but after a few seconds we break up into smiles.
It was the first time we'd shared a genuine smile with one another all day. I think in that instance, I began to appreciate her a bit more as a person.
"Chase. Why are you dating Scarlet?"
She suddenly asks it again.
The question she had been so curious about at the beginning of our time here.
"Who knows?"
I stretch my arms out into the air as I stand up straight.
"I'll be completely honest with you, I'm not sure why I did it at first. Maybe because she was cute and some part of me wanted to give this a chance. But after talking to her more, there's something about that girl that makes me feel special. We probably haven't spoken much compared to regular couples but, to me she's…"
I pause.
"Nah, nevermind."
There's no point in saying any more. After all, this whole relationship is a lie.
There's no reason to dirty the truth she carefully gifted to me with a response filled with lies. That would ruin the atmosphere for me.
But Momo still smiles at my answer.
"Seems like I'll have to ask again when your feelings are all sorted out, huh?"
"Seems so."
And with that conversation, this ugly chapter of my high school life comes to an end.
I hadn't expected to speak to Momo this much so soon, but I was grateful for the opportunity. I learned a lot about myself and I managed to do Sig a favor in the process.
This opportunity truly was a blessing in disguise.
And the one thing that surprised me above everything else was that she was surprisingly easy to get along with. My original impression of her was completely off the mark.
I could see Momo and myself being good friends in the future.
"Well, I suppose that does it. Lunch period should be over so I'll attend my afternoon classes now."
"Ah, sure. I'll probably stay here and nap so it's less obvious that we were together."
"Huh? You don't need to go that far. Scarlet and Sigmund probably the only people who noticed that we were both missing."
"Come to think of it, you're probably right but…"
"Well, if you wish to stay here so badly then I won't push it, but I wouldn't make a habit of skipping class like this too often. Someone might walk in on you with your pants down one day and you'll end up expelled."
Can't a guy sleep without being accused of masturbating?!
Once she was done packing up her chess set, I take the initiative and walk her toward the door. I need to make sure to lock it again once she leaves.
"If you need any relationship advice you're free to come to me by the way. Do you feel comfortable giving me your number?"
"Ahhh, sorry. I don't have a phone right now."
And just who the hell would want relationship advice from someone as straight forward as you? I get the feeling that if someone took your advice their entire relationship would just devolve into one big argument.
"Hmm."
She eyes me suspiciously.
"W-what…?"
"Nothing, forget it."
She smiles as if she realized something.
"Oh, and Chase?"
"Hmm?"
"I don't know how to say this without sounding strange, but…"
As she offers me those words, she unlocks the door and hands me the keys.
There's something about the way she's holding her words back that hints at how important this is, and that scares me.
For a moment, I thought she'd confess her love to me. The atmosphere was welcoming of that kind of cliché. But once again, things would prove to not go as I expected.
Because for the third time today, she had managed to strike fear into my heart.
"Please be careful around Jennifer."
She pops her earphones into place and turns around to walk off.
With only ominous words as her parting, the silent, elegant and ever so poised Momoka Kudo leaves the SF clubroom to what I could imagine is the tranquil sound of Norwegian Wood.
Despite telling me so much about herself, she still feels as mysterious as ever.
But the tone she'd used when warning me to be careful…
I had no idea what it meant at all.
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