บท 193: Chapter 189: Traumatic Pasts and Troubling Secrets, Part 1

Author's Pre-Chapter Note: I realized when I got to a certain point that I couldn't fit this all into one chapter. This may be a bit shorter than normal because I couldn't find a better place to stop, too, especially with where I've left the chapter off, so I apologize for that. I'm not sure if I'll get a good chunk of it explained enough in the next chapter, but know that I've been wanting to make this part of the story for the longest time. It may not have come out as good as I imagined, but I think it's pretty darn close. I hope you'll be eager to read the next part after this.

Thanks for reading, and enjoy the chapter.

P.S. I'm moving to a new place, so even though this is on a bi-monthly schedule (twice a month), the next update will be pushed back a week after this (that will be 11/20 as of the time of publishing) as I'll be taking a week off to settle in and relax a bit after the stressful month I had. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

The moment I realized Cyec was the culprit behind the Trap Hole ambush and figured out her plan through my [Mind Reading] skill, I immediately activated my [Hyper Thought Processing] and [Hyper Perception] skills to cause my surroundings to slow in motion, then informed my original self of the circumstances. Thankfully, she was on her way to Palocaesy Dungeon, so she can take care of her in my place. The problem now is our current situation.

It's understandable that Noire and Gabriella are screaming out of sudden fright, but Mametama is taking the fall quite well. What I'm mainly concerned about is Jinma, though, as moments after he jumped in, I noticed his status changed to 'FAINTED'. Noire doesn't seem to realize the state he's in, despite being wrapped up in his arms. I've known his fear of heights for a while, but I never expected it was bad enough for him to go unconscious moments after he's facing his fears. It's rather incredible that his body's still holding Noire so tightly despite this state. Maybe his body memory recognized when someone's in danger and reacted on instinct? It was a stretch, but I couldn't think otherwise. I quickly thought of what to do until I remembered Nyra. {Can't she snap him out of it? What's she doing? I have to see what's going on.}

I activated my [Mind Reading] skill on Nyra in the tanto, but I didn't believe what I was hearing, or more technically, what I wasn't hearing. Even if someone wasn't actively thinking of anything, whether they're awake, asleep, or even in FAINTED or COMA status, I would hear at least some sort of white noise, if not whatever's going on in their daydreaming. It may not be much, but it was a sign that the person was still alive. I wasn't hearing anything from Nyra's mind, however. That only happens when the person in question is dead, but I'm positive Nyra can't die while she's still cursed, chaining her to the bridge between life and death for eternity. This can only mean something happened to her during the fall, or I'd likely be hearing her screaming in Jinma's mind right now. {What could be going on in his head?}

I have the solution to find out, of course, but I swore myself to never use my [Mind Reading] skill on him. I invaded enough of his personal privacy as I already have, I don't want to stumble across something in his thoughts I shouldn't be knowing, no matter how curious and eager I was to learn more about him. It would be better to say I was afraid to see what he's thinking, especially after what I did to him. Despite my fears of him forever hating me, my concerns for his condition were quickly overwhelming them. As questionable some of Father's actions in the past were, he was still a wise man, and he once said if I ever find anyone thinking of their own death with my skill, I should have every right to act and question them out of genuine worry.

{I'll put up with the consequences later, this is urgent! Pardon the intrusion, Jinma!}

The moment I used my [Mind Reading] skill on Jinma, my whole body trembled in a great chill from what I heard in his mind.

If the saying of someone seeing their life flash before their eyes in the face of death was true, I'm pretty sure I was hearing it all blurred together in milliseconds, no, shorter than even that—nanoseconds, I think Sammy called them once? There were screams and cries of women and children. Then came shattering glass, breaking bones, ominous electronic sounds from equipment that I imagine Sammy would have in her research lab, even more crying out of desperation, and a screech that rose in pitch and volume. Those stood out the most to me, but all of this was happening in an ultra-fast cycle, repeating again and again. When I honed my [Hyper Thought Processing] and [Hyper Perception] in Jinma's mind, I could make out what some of those people were saying, more spaced out and at a relatively fast pace. I tried to concentrate and put together all the recurring sounds in a reasonable order before finding what's going on.

Somehow, this 'dream' Jinma is having is cycling through two different settings. The first of those two started off with a young boy letting out a war cry.

<WHAT'S UP WITH THIS KID?!>

<HE'S A DEMON! THROW HIM OUT!>

<JIN-CHAAAAN!>

Going by the screams, shattering glass, and breaking bones in this scene, I made an educated guess that this was a memory of Jinma's past, at quite a young age, at that. He seemed to be trying to save the girl who went by 'Hyo-chan' from at least two adults, and I could hear the murderous rage in his scream, despite how young he may have sounded. {Could his [Devil Eyes] perhaps have activated in that intense situation? Was that why one of them called him a demon?} In his attempt to save the girl, though, I heard the glass shattering and bone breaking sounds following his rescue before there was a brief silence. I shuddered to think what might have happened, but I think his rescue might have failed.

The scene then quickly transitioned to the second setting, where I heard the electronic beeps and more screams from a young woman at the start this time.

<I'm sorry, Kotori-san. We did everything we could, but he's lost too much blood from the fall, and the damage punctured various vitals. It's incredible that he's hung on for this long, but his pulse is growing weaker. I don't know how much longer he can hold on, but it's best that you stay with him for a while. I'll give you some privacy.>

<Jin-chan! I'm here! Mama's here!>

<Don't apologize! I don't care what happened, just please, stay with me!>

The slowly weakening beeps stopped. An elongated cold tone took their place.

<JIN-CHAN! NO! STAY WITH ME! PLEASE! YOU STUPID BASTARD, YOU BETTER BE RIGHT ABOUT THIS OR I'LL COME AND KILL YOU! GOD, OR WHOEVER YOU ARE, HEAR MY WISH, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT COST ME, JUST BRING MY SON BACK!>

The rising screech then came at the end before it all started over from the first setting. I could make a good guess for what happened in the second scene, but my mind was too overwhelmed after piecing the end together to really think reasonably. Before I realized it, a trail of tears were being drawn towards the back of my head as we were still falling through the Trap Hole. Taking a close look at Jinma once more, even though he was still under FAINTED status, it's clear that he's experiencing a devastating, recurring nightmare.

I was quickly losing my reasoning as a great fear in me took its place. My only desire right now was for Jinma to get out of the recurring nightmare he's having.

"JINMA! YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP! PLEASE!" I screamed, but he didn't respond.

"Is something wrong with Milord?!" Mametama exclaimed in a panic, which made Noire and Gabriella halt their own screams.

"J-Jinma?! Hello?! We're currently falling to our deaths here! This is not the time to be sleeping! And I'd rather you find a better time and place to embrace me like this!" Noire retorted while lightly slapping Jinma's cheek, but it all fell to deaf ears.

For the record, though, we aren't really falling to our deaths, as there's always something at the end to cushion a fall, regardless whether the hole we fall through is a trap or not. I'm sure Noire's learned of this already, but maybe the state of panic has made her forget? Though I will say that what cushions our fall at the bottom … is not very pleasant, but that's the least of our problems if that isn't the only thing waiting for us there. I'm sure Cyec made arrangements to some extent that we'd have some 'company' waiting for us with her [Dungeon Manipulator] ability.

"MILADY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Gabriella exclaimed as Noire suddenly started kissing Jinma in his comatose-like state.

"What?! 'True love's kiss' seems to always work in books, doesn't it?!" Noire argued, "At least I'm trying something!"

Fear and anxiety quickly grew within me. With how long we've been falling, I'm certain Cyec has dropped us down to the deeper floors of the dungeon. Stronger monsters wait for us the deeper we go. I have no problems taking them on at my current power, of course, but I'm more worried about Jinma not waking up from his nightmare. Despite how powerful I am, it's also frustrating that there isn't much I can do. I was growing desperate finding any sort of means to help him, no matter how severe the cost may be.

"Jinma! I know you can hear me! You have to wake up!" I yelled while shaking his shoulders, "I'll tell you the biggest secret I'm hiding from you! I don't care anymore, I'll do whatever you ask of me, but you have to wake up!"

"Wait, what's this secret you're hiding?!" Noire exclaimed, but I didn't give her a glance.

Once again, Jinma wasn't responding, and I could still hear the sounds in his nightmare continuing. In fact, I'm pretty sure they're growing more intense with each passing cycle, bringing him even more internal pain. To relive the moment of that fatal fall and on the verge of death again and again, with each time more severe than the last, I'd question their sanity if they didn't develop a traumatic fear after that. I'm not sure if I'd wish for even someone like Vask to experience such a fate. Anyone would have changed drastically after that, and knowing how Jinma is so far today, I can't imagine how different he was before that moment.

{Why … why did he have to go through this?} I thought, more tears pooled and trailed off from the side of my face, {He was still a child back then, and who knows how much more he has suffered afterward? The loneliness I've experienced so far is nothing compared to what he went through, and I'm just adding more to his suffering. If I had known how much he was hurting up to now, especially without him around, I would never have pulled him into this mess. He'd be better off not knowing anything … yeah, he definitely would be better off. I have to fix this. No matter the consequences, I have to make this right. Even if I have to be alone my whole life, that's a small price to make if it means he could live a fulfilling and happy life. Even if there's no chance of me ever meeting him again, it will be for his own good.

{It will be fine. Even if he forgets, I'll always remember every moment we made in this short time together, remember how lucky I am to find someone I could love so much. I couldn't ask for anything more.}

My fears, anxiety, and reasoning quickly dissipated, and in their place was sadness, acceptance, faith, and courage. I'll make sure my original self will remember and understand everything that happened here, and I'll make sure I'll clean this mess on my own.

{Everything will end after this … in that case, I might as well say what I've kept for so long inside me. I'll get right to business after that.}

I took the deepest breath I could, and opened the dams to my heart.

"I'm sorry for everything I did but know I did it all out of love for you! That may sound crazy coming from me, and you may hate me after hearing it, but I don't care and I'll love you always! I'll go away from you forever if you want, but please just do me this one favor and WAKE UP! ANIKIIIIIIII!"

<Oi. Just what sort of nonsense are you thinking in your head, child?>

At this strange new voice I heard in my mind, from the right side of Jinma's face, a crimson eye with black sclera opened, looking right at me.