บท 42: Chapter 41.
(POV Sanji)
Weewooo weeeewooooo weeeewooooo.
Right now my heartbeat was off the chart, it flew at thousands of miles per hour.
There was an incredibly soft sensation pressed up firmly against my back. The two of us had a nice relaxed little drive on the highway atop a motorcycle that travelled at 200 miles per hour.
If it weren't for the loud sirens in the background this might have been a wonderful intimate scenario between husband and wife.
If it wasn't for my wife that screamed out loudly, "you'll never catch us alive coppers" directly behind me, and the sweat that built up on my forehead, I might have enjoyed this time together a lot more.
If those cop cars on our tail weren't there, maybe I'd even be very blissful right now.
I assume you might be confused. I'm also certain you're even wondering how I got myself into this ridiculous situation. Well, we will need to go back in time a bit to understand what really happened. I, at that point in time, definitely never imagined this was what our innocent little date inevitably led to.
The only thing that could be said about my present predicament was, our date definitely turned out to be a date to remember.
…
Everything started with that bank robbery.
I stood there completely dumbfounded and watched everything as it played out. The men forced the tellers to stuff a lot of money into their grocery bags.
I couldn't help questioning everything I knew about cultivators when I saw how the scene unfolded.
You guys have interspatial storage devices or something cool like that, don't you? You are mighty cultivators, right? Then why do you all look like homeless beggars robbing a bank with grocery bags right now? I didn't understand at all. Was it just that my expectations of cultivators were too high? Really though, grocery bags? Grocery bags! It may be a minor detail, but how can I not pick at it?
You, especially you, weren't you far too pitiful with your crippled bloody finger. That was supposed to be a finger right? Just what the hell happened for it to look like that? Did you hit your finger on a spatial rift on the way in?
"Is this all you have? Do you think I'm an idiot, AH? I said put all the cash in the bags!"
"Uhm… sir, I think she put as much as the bags can hold. Those bags will tear from below if they get too heavy."
Oops... I retorted without thinking.
It was then all five men locked their gazes onto me.
I was troubled by those cold indifferent gazes, but I was definitely not intimidated. After all, my wife was right by my side.
When I turned to my side to look at my wife without any secret hidden intent of hiding behind her almighty back … she was naturally standing right beside me with her beautiful charming smile on her face as usual. Is what I wanted to say. She was gone! What?! Little wife, please stop playing games with my fragile little heart!
My gaze shot back towards the five and immediately noticed behind them, on the other side of the bank's glass window, my little wife had a bag of popcorn in hand. She casually picked one up at a time and ate like she was about to watch a good movie play out.
Little wife, give me a break! Sure, robberies definitely happen in movies, but this is real life! I want to watch from the sidelines too! I don't want to play a role this time!
Can you not unjustly force me into the role of the main protagonist the world loves to take dumps on?
Wait, maybe I can still be a side character.
When I looked at the man with the bloody finger I resolved myself and put my posing to the test. I winked at him and nodded seriously like I was actually one of them.
Yes, I'm just a disguised robber in the crowd. That is my role. Please catch on.
The robber's eyes brightened and he nodded back towards me before he resumed his robbery like we had some sort of unspoken gentleman's agreement.
It looks like I successfully deceived them with a simple nod and wink. Aren't you guys too easy? No, it's not that they're too easy, it's just that my brain is too large. Just too, too large. To not have a match under the heavens in terms of witts and finesse was truly such a shame. Truly, such a shame. No, but really, why in the hell did they actually play along with that so easily? Are they really okay in the head?
Little wife! Stop laughing over there! It's not a comedy! This is serious shit, robbing banks is hard work you know. Can't you understand the incredible amount of effort your husband is putting in to earn the bread?
Seriously, you can stop holding your stomach like you can't breathe, you're exaggerating way too much. Are those tears? You're crying? Really? Did I miss something funny here?
Anyways, I ignored my wife's reaction and plopped myself down on the ground in seiza like a good little boy. I hid behind some of the bigger men to not stand out too much. I didn't like fighting after all, I was a pacifist. A distanced master secluded from the world who does not easily get involved in fights. However, if push comes to shove, I'll fight you to the death.
By fight, I naturally mean a glare off and slinging profound mud with words, of course. You're not even worthy of being defeated by this fist of mine. Words alone are enough for any adversary I face. With my forbidden technique, the art Venomous Words that even make War Gods Feint from Rage, I am untouchable.
Since time immemorial, in the long forgotten era of ancients, I had long dubbed the first stance in my forbidden art, "I married your daughter." Trust me you petty robbers you wouldn't want to see me when I'm angry. You surely would not wish to ever suffer a fate worse than death under the world shattering might of this first stance in my forbidden art.
As for the other stances in my forbidden art, even I shivered back when I thought of the sheer power contained within them. They were unstoppable blows that would make any man crumble to their knees in tears. From, "your daughter gave me a hand… wink," to "your daughter gives great head," to "I struck a home run with your daughter," to "we had kids together." Each progressive stance was more fearsome than the next.
The power of the moves themselves were not the truly fearsome thing about this forbidden art, it was actually the countless variations and interpretations that could be derived from the ever so deeply rich profundity of the art form.
Anyways, I digress.
Once the men filled up twelve grocery bags with money, one of the minions called out, "boss, we've probably got enough now, we should get going before the fuzz show up."
The boss in return quietly dished out orders to his lackeys, "Split up and reunite at the designated meeting place. It seems that fellow over there is one of that cop's dogs. We'll pass their share on through him instead of going to the place they called the police station."
"We'll divide the cash six ways and get out as fast as we can. We still don't know what the limits of these terrifying mortals are."
"Whatever you do, don't underestimate this pocket realm, the mortals have those terrifying things they call guns. At all costs, you must not confront the projectiles they shoot out. You can see what happened to my finger, right? That tiny little projectile can do this level of damage to us. Every single one of those people called cops had one of those devices."
"If all of them can shoot those things at us rapidly, they would make short work of us. We wouldn't stand a chance and would be deader than dead within a few short seconds."
"In this world, never assume you are the hunter, you may very well be the hunted."
My eyes shot open wide when I heard the words of the boss with the mangled finger. It seemed that the bloody fingered boss couldn't even stand up to a handgun. That was honestly a bit disappointing to find out. I was thinking when I got back to this realm I'd be an immortal god even at my present level. Thank god I didn't get cocky and strut my little bit of strength in an attempt to look cool in front of my wife. If I got shot and died for the second time in such a short time after we got married I really don't know who I'd be able to cry to.
It was right when they were ready to take off that the bloodied fingered boss came over with two bulging grocery bags in hand, they were both filled to full capacity with money. My heartbeat sped up a bit when I thought about all the things I could get with that bountiful sum of cash. In my head a little devil and angel version of my wife appeared over my shoulder.
"Do it," said the miniature devilish version of my wife.
"Yeah! What she said, take the money. Don't be a wimp husband," said the miniature angelic version of my wife.
Shouldn't a goddess like her be indifferent to worldly possessions like money?
"Shut it and take the damned money," both miniature versions of my wife retorted in sync.
"This is the agreed upon share, there should be enough in there to bail that idiot… I mean that person, Ten Jo, you took away to prison."
Holy crap! The crown prince of an empire was sent to prison?! What the hell happened in the short time you guys have been here?
Also what the hell? All I did was wink and nod at you. What made you think I was the corrupt cop's accomplice? Isn't this actually a big scoop?
I can see the headlines now, corruption in the local police force tasked to protect the public. I can actually make a lot of money just off of selling that scoop, can't I?
Wait, why are you walking away and blatantly leaving this money with me like this?! I don't want it! Are you kidding me?! This is being recorded you idiot! There are cameras all over the place. If you're going to give me money, do it in the camera's dead angle at the very least you moron! It was right at that very moment the alarms finally went off.
A loud ringing noise broke out and startled the robbers. When they heard it, they may not have known exactly what it was, but they still instinctively burst out of the building and dashed off in five different directions at full speed.
Holy crap, aren't I screwed? But I have my wife after all. I should be safe, right?
I casually walked out of the bank with the two grocery bags in hand. You might wonder why I didn't just leave the bags behind. Well, I really wanted to acquire a better form of transportation for our date. Besides, since the money was already in my hands and the cameras already got everything on tape, I might as well just use it. I'm already recorded as being an accomplice, what else can I really do? Wipe the security camera footage? Well… these days security camera footage for the bank was uploaded to external servers in real time as a preventative measure against footage tampering on site. Even if I wiped the records here, unless I knew where the video footage was sent to, I was basically royally screwed either way.
I'm damned if I keep the money, and I'm damned if I give it back. If I'm damned regardless, let's just use it right away. Besides, I should at least have enough prowess by now to evade the cops, right? If I can't boldly fight them head on, running away shouldn't be out of the question, right?
If worst comes to worst, can't we just momentarily step out of this realm with my wife's help to evade the cop's?
I approached my wife's side as she ate her popcorn with sparkles in her eyes.
"Can you teleport us to the nearest car dealership? It's a few blocks away and it has a sign that says D*dge on it."
"Husband that would be boring and cheating, you can't just teleport away from the scene of the crime."
"We're just going to buy a motorcycle for transportation so we aren't walking everywhere, that's all."
"A motorcycle? Oh that's right, I remember seeing one in a movie from your world. They did look a bit interesting, let's get one."
My wife's eyes lit up, without much effort she was convinced when she heard my intent. When she opened up a rift in space, we disappeared from in front of the bank and soon after we stepped inside it, we reappeared in front of the dealership.
My initial intention was a motorcycle, but when I was in front of the dealership I suddenly remembered a certain quadricycle.
When I walked inside I approached the desk and inquired about the Tomahawk Mark V. Shockingly enough, they had one. I'd unintentionally hit the jackpot with this place. They said it was only for show purposes and not for sale. It wasn't even street legal after all so it was to be expected.
I asked the receptionist if I could speak to the owner of the dealership. Unfortunately for me, the female receptionist refused after a single cursory glance up at my clothes. When she looked back down she treated me like I was air and said, "sorry he's not available." She had the most condescending tone I'd ever heard when she said that.
I was naturally enraged so I pulled out a bill with ten thousand written on it. I folded it in two and placed it between two fingers. I bent over the desk and said like a suave, rich nouveau silk pants as I stuck it between her cleavage, "honey are you sure he's not available?"
She glanced down between her chest and when she saw the single bill she looked back up repulsed as if her dignity had been insulted. She said, "look, this is sexual harassment. If you're returning the ten grand I lost earlier today on my way to work, just hand it over to me normally. Don't try acting like a rich nobody with a single bill that isn't even yours."
I felt a bit embarrassed at my failed attempt to get her to swoon over me. How was I supposed to know she lost a ten grand earlier today? Coincidences like that really existed? There was no way, right?
Like a gambler unresigned to his loss, I took out nine more bills and bent them in the same manner. I leaned over the desk again and said, "sweetheart, are you sure you only lost one bill for ten grand? I just so happened to find nine more as well. Do they all belong to you?"
I naturally pressed them against her lips with a confident smile on my face like I was trying to seduce her as the rich CEO of some grand corporation.
Beyond my expectations all I heard was her click her tongue and say, "scummy bastard. At least you have the conscience to return all the money instead of just some of it."
Eh, for real? I started to sweat. Were female receptionists who lost 100,000 in a day normal people? You weren't really serious, right?
"Ehem." I awkwardly cleared my throat and went for broke, all in. I pulled out ninety more bills and crumpled them up in a balled up fist. I slightly lost my composure at this point and stuffed my hand down her valley with all the cash and said with blood shot eyes, "Is this enough to see the owner you bitch?"
Ah. Excuse my French.
"Tch. Finally speaking my language I see."
After I'd been swindled out of one hundred bills, she still had the nerve to put on a reluctant face. She pulled some strings and made a few calls before the dealership's owner finally made his appearance.
When the owner arrived, he displayed a professional demeanor. He was dressed in a clean professional black business suit and when he noticed me he said, "sir, I understand you wanted to see me about some important business. May I know what this is concerning?"
When I finally met the owner, despite his professionalism, I was in a terrible mood. I'd been forced to watch the receptionist suspiciously examine each bill one by one to make sure they were real while I waited for him to show up. Lady, can you please give me some face? It may be stolen money, but it's fresh, clean out of the bank. It's not counterfeit, I swear. How little faith do I inspire in people with regards to my financial situation? Well, it was true that I was practically broke before I got my hand on all this unclean money.
With frustration in my voice I demanded, "Your Tomahawk Mark V, sell it to me. Just name your price."
"Sir, I'm sorry but I cannot sell it. It is just a show vehicle."
Don't mess with me right now. You definitely need to hire a better receptionist who doesn't piss your customers off to the extreme. After dealing with her, there is no way I'm not getting that bike!
"Is this enough?"
I tossed the two grocery bags in front of him like I couldn't care less for the money. Inside it were tens of thousands of bills. He was given a much better look once the fat stacks of cash spilled out onto the table in front of us.
"Sir! This is?!"
"All real. Tch. You can inspect them if you want to like that receptionist over there."
When there was enough money, anyone would eventually bend their backs. That was what I firmly believed before I met that receptionist. Wasn't she too scary? She didn't even bat an eye when I shoved all those bills down her shirt. She even smiled at me provocatively like she wasn't impressed in the slightest. It was hot, don't get me wrong. But my pride was almost shattered instantly. I nearly had the urge to lift the shopping bags and shower her in a rain of money just out of pettiness. If she still didn't bat an eye at that… I didn't even want to think about it.
However, a master refined like I, distanced from the mortal realm couldn't possibly lose his cool in front of others like that. I must be cool like a cucumber, I can't take a loss from a little mortal receptionist.
When the owner inspected the bills closer, his breathing turned a bit ragged. Sweat visibly built up on his forehead.
Ah! That's the look I wanted to see! Hot damn, that's what a normal person should look like! Definitely not like that scary receptionist of yours. He was a goner for sure.
He turned back towards me with a serious expression on his face and said, "sir, are you certain? It's all real, I can tell that much, but this amount far exceeds the value of that bike."
"Money amounts to nothing in my eyes. After all, I'm a filthy rich silk pants second generation who doesn't need to put in even an ounce of effort to make this amount of money."
It actually felt fun acting like an arrogant big shot when I was really just a poor bloke.
"I know you must be hesitant to hand the bike over like this, but…"
"Sir, the bike is yours."
He interrupted me before I even finished my sentence. Wow, why can't your receptionist be as cool as you bro?
I guess he felt no guilt in ripping off someone that was acting like a rich scumbag.
"Here are the keys."
"No paperwork?"
"It's not a registered vehicle. What you do with it is none of my business."
That's convenient.
Money really did make the world go round. Too bad I couldn't keep that money. I'd just be asking for trouble if I did. That money was literally a hot potato ready to explode at any moment.
After I got rid of the money, I took my wife's hand and followed behind the owner to where the Tomahawk was kept.
It was put on display at one of the other entrances to the dealership. I picked up the two helmets that hung off the side of the handles and handed one over to my wife while I put on the other. My wife followed by my example and put on the other.
I got on the bike and bent over parallel to it. My wife was confused how she was supposed to ride it with me with so little space so I merely pointed to my back.
She asked, "are you sure?" I was confused by her question, but I soon realized why she asked that.
She jumped on the bike and sat down with her butt on my back. She crossed her legs and faced the opposite direction like an arrogant queen who ruled over the masses.
I almost wanted to cough up blood when I realized her misunderstanding. Sure her ass on my back was unbearably soft and pleasing to the senses, but didn't this look far too comical?
"Pfft. Lame."
That's enough out of you, Miss Receptionist!
Owner! Not you too, don't look the other way and try to hide your smile that says you want to burst out laughing.
"Husband, are you sure this is how I'm supposed to ride it with you?"
"My wife, you're supposed to lay on top of me facing the same direction and wrap your arms around my waist from behind."
"Oh? That's how it works?"
She rotated her body to face my direction. Her body grinded against my back as she slid her bottom down to the seat behind me.
She pressed her chest heavily against my back and two new wonderful sensations attacked me. She tightly wrapped her arms around my waist from behind as I'd instructed. In this position there was not a single gap of air between our bodies.
My heart pounded uncontrollably and a little brother I felt like I hadn't seen in a while woke up.
When I turned the key in the ignition, the bike gave off a strong rumble. Uh oh. I didn't fully think this through when I bought this bike. I was actually in a bit of a pickle right now.
I couldn't possibly get up after this due to certain physiological reactions so I told the owner, "open the doors."
He eyed me a bit curiously, but said no more and opened the doors as I requested.
I rotated the handles all the way forward and an extreme burst of acceleration assaulted the two of us. At high speed, we burst straight out the door and quickly left the dealership in the dust. I nearly hit a wall on my way out, but I narrowly drifted my way out of it and made it onto the main road.
At long last it was finally time to get this date rolling. I still had the money I'd extor-- I mean withdrawn from that very generous too- ehem, gentleman at the bank. Now it was time to figure out where to go first on our date.
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KiraMinoru
KiraMinoru Sorry for slow releases. Blame corona. Slightly sick right now, don’t know if I got it or if it’s just because of my spraining my ankle which led to a fever.
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