บท 2: Umpteenth Defeat
In a hypnagogic state, I sensed muffled footsteps approaching the outside of my room. They weren't very loud, but they were very determined. And because they were determined, it was simple enough to tell that whatever the case was, it hinted at animosity towards me. I braced myself for the worst. As they approached, the quiet footsteps gradually got louder and louder, and-
"Wake up, Jon!"
On the other side of a closed door, an irritated knock followed an irritated shout.
My eyes shot open and I let out a deep sigh, chastising myself for irrationally feeling fear.
*...of course. Nearly overslept again, didn't I?*
"It's already six-thirty, and your school begins at eight o'clock! It takes you thirty minutes to get there. You're going to be late!"
*...not*
"And that's not even counting the morning rush hour, so hurry it up!"
The angry footsteps quickly receded from the door, melding in the distance with the hubbub of the Xu household's early morning kitchen.
With a sigh of reluctance, I win the mental battle against myself and force myself out of the comfort of the heavy covers. As I sat up, a frigid wind seemed to blow across the confines of my room and across my skin, making me shiver slightly. But I knew it was just the temperature difference between my covers and my room. For some reason, my room always boasted poor climate control. This, along with a very light pajama made it all the more difficult to leave the safe haven of the bed.
*How many hours of sleep did I even get? 3? 4? 12? Not like it matters too much, anyway.*
No matter how many hours of sleep I got, all I had to do was down a glass of water immediately after waking up to feel better. Your body gets quite dehydrated during sleep, after all. But going a few days in a row with a mere three hours of sleep did leave me feeling tired. I'm not a superhuman, after all.
*Oh, I did go to bed pretty early yesterday. How lucky.*
Today was a Monday, and I actually made an uncharacteristically smart decision to go to bed early so I could get enough rest.
*Now then...*
I struggled to get out of bed, still slightly drowsy. After standing somewhat comatose for a few seconds, I stretched and reached for the stainless steel bottle on the nightstand and poured the contents into my mouth. After a few gulps of water, I was fully awake.
Invigorated with new life, I immediately strolled over to the computer in my room and booted it up.
I stared at the thing for a few seconds before releasing another small sigh.
*What am I even doing with this uselessly expensive computer...*
As if on cue, the uselessly expensive computer silently blinked its uselessly flashy lights as it started up. The keyboard went from red, to green, to blue, and then everything in between.
*Maybe my friends were right to make fun of me for spending so much on a computer...*
As of late, even though I owned this uselessly expensive computer, I hardly used it for its intended purposes. What was supposed to be a monster of a computer perfect for handling many processes at once was now hardly being used at all.
But now, I was about to give it the stress test of a lifetime. This application would no doubt prove that the computer I bought wasn't just in my room to look pretty. As my desktop's minimalistic wallpaper appeared, I apprehensively moused over to said application and double clicked...
Chrxme.
And loaded up the chess game against my sister from the night before.
*Ah, right. That's why I went to bed so early yesterday.*
I guess you could say I had a unique talent for leaving tomorrow's problems for tomorrow's me. Whenever I didn't want to deal with a problem, I would just forget about it immediately and go to sleep.
*And sleep for nearly too long... Anyway, it's yesterday's tomorrow now.*
Obviously, tomorrow will never truly come. But leaving tomorrow's problems to tomorrow won't make them go away, and today's tomorrow will always eventually become today.
*That's the unfortunate truth of reality. Anyway, I've been procrastinating for long enough. Let's get this thing started.*
With that, I finally hit the button to review yesterday's chess match.
I didn't even have to watch it all the way through before I realized...
*Even though it didn't feel like a crushing defeat, I still lost pretty bad, huh?*
With the sense of defeat that resurfaced from yesterday, I slumped down in my chair and looked at the ceiling.
"Well, nothing comes out of grumbling over a loss, anyway. Let's at least try to understand what went wrong here..."
I slowly sat back up, resuming my former position.
With that, I intensely studied the chess match. But...
*Seriously, where did I go wrong here?*
After looking through all of the moves once, nothing obvious jumped out at me.
*It's seriously like she's leading me around by the nose, dammit.*
Determined to find something on the second time watching it through, I sat up with my back ramrod straight, leaning forward slightly. However, I was unable to find anything significant.
And on it went. I was unsure how long on analyzing each move with the aid of the computer. But even with help, I was unconfident in any of the suggested moves.
*Wouldn't she just have a contingency plan here? ...and here? ...and also here?*
I wallowed in doubt, unable to rid myself of the feelings of despair. But after a couple of minutes, I finally saw a move with potential.
*Maybe I should have moved my knight to B6 there. It would have definitely given me more openings and even a potential to come back from my deficit...*
I experienced a moment of ecstasy, but that's all it lasted. A moment. Because then, I hit myself with the truth that I always force myself to hear but never want to.
I took a deep breath and stepped away from my computer.
"Man… are you kidding me? After watching the replay of this chess game like a million times, the best piece of info I'm able to get out of it is a single move that *could* have been better?"
Improving in chess was like climbing an exponentially steep mountain. Ascending was progressively more difficult, yet descending was exceedingly simple.
*And with all the time and effort I've spent, I can't climb. This game... and this world only favor the talented. With my mediocre skills, I'm nothing.*
I castigated myself for how foolish I was being. I chastised myself for even thinking I could be better. I berated myself for even allowing myself to experience a moment of ecstasy even from discovering a completely useless piece of information. And I silently laughed at myself for even considering surpassing her.
I punched the closest wall and jumped back into bed, burying my face in a pillow. I lay still, attempting to go back to sleep. However, another voice interrupted my reverie.
"Hey, Jon, you're not beating yourself up over yesterday, are you? Come eat breakfast, it's getting cold. Don't worry, Mom and Dad have already left. Besides, you're already better at chess than most people, aren't you? Isn't that good enough? Because you know I'll always be better than you~"
"You… Ugh..."
I wanted to pretend to be asleep, but my frustration over yesterday's loss made me groan involuntarily.
"Don't worry about it, and just come eat breakfast, ok?"
*It's true. Why should I worry about it? No matter how good I get, if I'm not the best in the world, there will always be someone better than me.*
Looking at it from a logical standpoint, it really shouldn't matter. I was the second best chess player at my school, so I was already better than most people. Wasn't that good enough?
However, there was something in the back of my head that was telling me I really wasn't good enough.
*I'm not even close to her. She just toys with me when we play. It's not fair.*
And it wasn't just in chess. Chinese checkers, shogi, mafia… Any game that required thinking, planning, or deception, I fell well short. Video games weren't an exception, either.
*What am I better than her at? Sports? And not even by that much…*
It was an inferiority complex that plagued my soul every time I saw her.
Before I had noticed it, my sister had already left the hallway.
*And she's as sneaky as ever, too. Although I can't tell if it's on purpose...*
Along with my good physical abilities, I had an uncanny ability to sense people approaching. But even with my slightly superior athletic abilities, she was one of the only ones whose movements I couldn't read. With yet another sigh, I checked the clock on the bottom corner of my monitor.
07:09, fifty-one minutes before my first class began.
*I'll definitely be on time even after studying that chess match a million times. Why were my parents freaking out over that, anyway?*
The feeling of despair was replaced by annoyance towards my parents, which was a strangely more invigorating, positive feeling.
I got up from my bed once more and headed towards my closet. I quickly got dressed with a tank top, t-shirt, and black sweater that I had set out on my bed the night before. As for pants... I hadn't thought that far ahead.
With a slight frustrated look and an unnecessary few extra seconds, I finally decided on the ultimate winter wear.
*These red and green shorts should be fine for today... it's not even that cold out.*
After donning the merry apparel and quickly brushing my teeth, I decided that it was time to step out into the great big world.
*This is one of the favorite parts of my day, so I'm looking forward to it. Time to eat some breakfast.*
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