บท 16: 第16章: A Final Decision
Within a week of the same announcement, Chaoyun was now a woman in all ways. Even as mere months ago they deemed her too young to be an adult. Marriage was to them signifying reaching adulthood, and not before. A girl was a girl if she had not married or even asked for her hand. If anything, that was something she never understood. Marriage didn't change people or force change, but they simply looked at her in another way.
That she was a girl ready to mature. As though everything else had been nothing but childish years wasted away, while marriage was her only goal. For a man that she barely knew, but it was a small comfort. A very very small comfort that she was not marrying a total stranger or a fat old man. But it meant nothing, why content herself with something smaller when she could have wanted more. Why spent her life letting others choose her path when she could do it as well.
Respectability was not important, as it was given by her own company a label that others forced on her. Why force herself to accept things because it was the predictable way out, she wanted to live her own life the way she wanted to. Not spent it simply contenting herself with what she settled for but not what she had. Not what she wanted.
If anything, she did want to ask Feiyu who was independent in most ways. She will refuse to let herself simply let her life pass like the others, not fulfilling any of her own goals. Unable to comprehend that she wanted more, and was treated as though it had meant nothing to her. That she will settle, what was it with women and men thinking they knew best.
Why did they think that to listen to child's dream and follow them was foolish. What made them think they had the right to show her that she was wrong all this while and dictate how she lived. If anything, it made her even more certain that she will not. Many of the women who visited her did not lead good lives, pretending as though they had the best and contenting with the wealth. Even as she knew they spent most of their days fighting with other women, keeping their family. It was such a lonely and draining existence.
And if that was to happen to her, what should she do?
Even when she was never one who wanted this in the first place. Thus, all she could was tread down the path she simply wanted. With no intention to look back, to ever retrace her own footsteps. The same as casting off her identity as she will have been disgraced.
She still wanted to travel, and if it had came to such an ending then so be it. Even then, something nagged her that she will simply be unable to lift up her own head. She relished being the centre of attention, even if it was far from wanted and one that undermined her own reputation. But that was because it was an accurate representation of herself, not some carefully presented image that never saw who she was inside. She treated it like her own, that she was being remembered for something more than just her marriage or scandals. That it was out of curiosity, and mostly disapproval.
But she never did anything that will have ruled her out as a bride, thayt disgraced herself or her mother. Even as many old women were keen to turn her to warn out the other young girls, but with nothing she was simply left as it was.
So, she went down the stairs to get a break from being inside. She loathed having to work on her needlework, even when her own mother rarely did that. To women, that was an art as well as perfect if a woman needed to work. Weaving was their natural work, where clothes rarely materialized out of anywhere. It hurt her own eyes, as well as make her regret ever picking it up. It was a tough art that needed to be taught from young; something that she at this age will find it daunting to pick up.
But for a woman married to a scholar, it was an expectation. Cooking was too common, nursing was for the poor but weaving was something that required dedication from young and producing nothing for years on end. Hence, only the richest or the most desperate were good weavers. The former because it was something that could win them praise if it was presented as a gift, the latter because it was their very livelihood.
"Chaoyun." She turned around to find an unexpected visitor. A woman that she did not think she will be seeing so soon. And yet, all she could think was to hug her. It was such a long time since Er'ying came, following her brother to other provinces. Dressed in mostly rough silk fabrics, with a scarf. It was not purple which only the richest could afford the dye, since it was not found locally.
"I'm back for real now." She carried a small child on her back, now a few months old infant. As she slowly looked at the boy, although from afar not even intending to approach him. "Take him, one day you'll be doing it too."
Was she aware that she was marrying pretty soon? Chaoyun didn't know what to make at the end of the day, since she had only just returned. But many people knew that she was doing so, and word spreads quickly in such a small town. Even then, she kept her own distance from it. Intending to do so to the very end, since she found such a small child rather worrying to be left to her. Having never been particulary careful with anything.
"They aren't made of glass who will break if you accidentally drop them." Chaoyun returned the look, since she knew that babies could die if something fell on their head. "Wrong suggestion, but they just need to be supported the right way, that's all."
With Chaoyun having to take him into her arms for a brief moment— which to her felt like an eternity—before passing him to his mother straight afterwards. She handled him with ease, as the boy was just about to cry. But in her arms, he was comfortable and stopped squirming.
"You're getting married, surely you don't think that you can avoid motherhood."
Chaoyun did think that she knew, it wasn't much to make a guess in the first place. Mostly because she was well able to overhear, as her marriage was now one of the most well discussed things in there. For a fact that it was just so unusual, so incredibly strange that it was in such luck that she will end up with such a promising scholar. Especially many who thought they deserved better, when she could grab someone who was much above her own. And in many cases thought that she had good fortune and she did not deserve him.
"It doesn't hurt, maybe at first but later on it gets a lot easier." She knew what she was talking about. Old women who thought it their job to educate her about the matters of marriage, and what happened between a man and woman. She was not too young to have the marriage consummated, it was fairly common for girls to have their first child at this age. Thus, she was a year older than most of them. Even as a portion of these young girls will perish in childbirth, since it was a long arduous process that could span days. The longer it went, the less likely it will go well.
She did know that children were not given by gods, mostly because she knew they did not really exist. But to learn, was a rather fascinating experience though she did not find it revolting merely curious. And she understood why men and women sought lovers if this was what they seeking. It could happen between two unwilling people, otherwise she doubted many people will exist. Marriage was merely something meant to control this, as they thought it sinful to give women free rein to enjoy themselves if it wasn't for the making of children and men the choice to marry a woman of unequal rank.
"I know that you'll turn out fine."
Even in such a situation, she didn't want to be forced. She didn't want to feel as though the world has given her much and she should simply affect her fate. Er'ying had just married a merchant, the only one willing to take in a child not his own. And that she was willing to settle, a merchant was considered a parasite who feed off others. But to her, it was all that mattered. That someone wanted her at the end.
"You have such a great offer, cherish it while you still can." She returned a rather pained smile to her, as much as she was caught in between. This was true, but still she felt she was dealt with something meant to contain her. It wasn't an outrage and in some ways, it was far beyond what anyone thought befitted her. That she had gotten lucky so far in her life, and she should wise up. Go through life like any other woman and forget that she simply wanted more, crush her own dreams and simply live to fit reality.
"I don't know."
"Then, don't think. Just simply wait for the marriage, it's quite clear." She gave a nice smile. "I need to meet with her."
"Are you going to heed her advice?" Qingshuang asked, standing right behind her. Since he was here, it was not surprising that she chose to be like this.
"Well, brother is a good match." Zhao'en took the chance to intrude as well. To what end she was not even certain. "But I doubt he wants to be shackled in one as much as he is."
"He is a little young, I have seen men not married until they hit thirty."
"Are you planning that?"
"Probably, it's not as though I have to marry to continue my line."
"Isn't that your duty?" She merely argued back. He gave a shrug.
Before she merely pouted and headed back to work, since she got a stern glance from her mother.
"What do you think?" She knew that it was her, without a doubt. There was not another person listening. As he poured himself another cup of water.
"No, I don't want to spend my life thinking about what if I had chosen another path." But still, what if her own road was wrong. What if it will lead to nowhere.
"It is hard to choose your own path in a world that dictates you have none." For men, they were left to the mercy of their father to choose what they study, and whether they'll be wealthy or penniless for life. As for women, it was up to men to choose a husband for her. Someone who will take care of her for the rest of her life, and providing her a home.
But what was one if she felt nothing for it? What was one if all that she is reminded of is tradition and duty. That she simply had to conform rather than of her own free will. That she was thought to have no idea what she wanted. "If you want to, just trust your own mind. Your heart rarely tells you lies doesn't it?"
It wasn't Qingshuang, but Feiyu who was with her now.
"I'll still go with what my heart tells me to."
"Even if you lose your identity?"
She knew that once she chose there was no turning back. There was no way they could see her nothing more than an ungrateful wench who did not know what to treasure when it was given to her. Even when she knew that Yuntong will have been happy likewise, both did not think too much about marriage. But she was aware that marriage and friendship were two different things.
Friends meant being able to separate themselves if they disagreed. That they were still different people at the end of the day, not a combined total. Marriage will put her under his care and protection, where she will have been represented by him in the law. Where all she was expected to obey him even if all else she was freely allowed to have her own pick.
"Yes, even if I lose it."
"We'll leave tomorrow night." Well before anyone will have known they were gone. And well before the marriage could be pulled off. She still felt that she had many things she needed to do, but she had packed for this. Even if it was half-hearted and not thinking deeply, even when her offer it was still the same.
"I just finished cutting off my ties with the Jiang family." She gave a small wink, Chaoyun returned a smile.
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