บท 34: May-December | Chapter Four
After that day Kyle dropped Chaska up at the school gym, he had been a bit nervous. His mind got filled with worry as he worked on cars and helped repair farm machines through the weekend. His subconscious kept drifting to the young man as he worried and worried about the minor details of their interaction on Friday.
He wondered if he had been too weird. He wondered if Chaska noticed how nervous he was, and he wondered if Chaska was going to avoid his gaze on Monday.
All those questions had run through his mind through the weekend and had made Kyle nervous to see the man on Monday when he dropped Otis off. His panicked thoughts held no water, however, and Chaska didn't seem the least bit different. The man spared him a few more words than usual and a small smile, but apart from that, there was nothing drastically different about his behavior.
"Did you have a good weekend?" Chaska asked Otis and he squatted to meet the boy at his level.
Otis was all smiles and squirms, and he ignored the question to say what was on his mind instead. "I missed you!" he chirped, gripping the knees of his trousers as he tried to contain his excitement.
Chaska chuckled, pulling the boy into a brief hug at his words.
The interaction had made Kyle's chest swell, and it remained that way until he left and got into his car. He didn't start his car right away, he just stared out into the road as he held a tight grip on the steering wheel. Things had gone better than he had planned, meaning that he had been worrying all weekend about nothing. It was odd, Kyle felt both relieved and upset. On one had Chaska wasn't avoiding him, and on the other had Chaska didn't seem very interested in him in any capacity. That was supposed to be good, but it felt bad. Why was he upset that Chaska didn't seem to think much about him? Why did he suddenly feel self-conscious about his dressing this morning and rush to change?
"What am I doing?" he asked himself, feeling his heartbeat quicken at the thought of the man. The well-built man. The young man with the nice lips and voice that didn't match his demeanor. He knew almost nothing about him, and here he was beating himself over their small interactions. His mother had called Otis' clingy behavior around Chaska a teacher crush. Was that what he had too? A teacher crush on Chaska? Did he just admire him a lot that his feelings were starting to get muddled up and confusing?
With a shake of his head, Kyle started the car and drove into the main road. He didn't have any appointments today, and he had a couple of hours to burn until he picked up Otis. He thought about visiting his father's grave for a moment, but he decided against it. Too soon. He thought, driving the car back home. He could do that later, not now. At least that was what he told himself, but he knew deep down that if he kept avoiding it, he would never get around to doing it.
When Kyle got home, he was greeted with silence. His mother was off to work in the grocery store, and they didn't have a neighbor for miles. He took the time to sort out the internet connection. It was bad, but it worked well enough to go through Facebook and read his emails.
Anastasia had unfriended him, but her page was public and all he had to do to know what she was up to was search her up. From her pictures, it seemed like she had settled down to being single again. There was no mention of him, but pictures of Otis were still up. According to their divorce agreement, she had him for Christmas, Easter, and the last half of summer. Kyle wondered why she had done that. She had been the parent that had attended to Otis the most, but now that he thought about it maybe that was exactly why. Maybe she had just been tired of pulling all the weight why he was obsessed with his business logs and investments.
He hadn't paid much attention to his family but realizing that wasn't enough to have fixed things. He knew that, and that's why he could only watch helplessly as things fell apart around him. When his business fell apart, he had felt empty and misplaced—like he had lost all purpose in life. In many ways he had, and he was still piecing things together and reordering his life.
He was starting at square one again, but he had plans. He was going to make something off his father's business, and right things with Otis by being the father he never was. A part of him thought about dating again, and he shocked himself by thinking of Chaska first. He left the study table he was sitting at the pace around the attic room as he ran his hands through his hair again.
This again. He thought, letting out a groan. Why was he thinking about him? It wasn't normal.
Kyle had never been big on relationships, but that was mostly because his whole life had been fixated on escaping his conditions. He spent a huge chunk of his time working, and it was a miracle he and Anastasia ever started dating. They had talked briefly about what they did at a bar as Kyle's workmates had disappeared into the crowd to have some fun. Anastasia had been an assistant attorney then, and Kyle had been working as an assistant manager for a workshop. They exchanged numbers and kept meeting. It was Anastasia that popped the 'What are we?' question. It had shocked Kyle, but when he thought about it, marriage was all part of achieving a fulfilling life, wasn't it?
Did he like men?
He wasn't sure. Anastasia was the only person he had ever been with, and his teenage years drew a blank. There wasn't any interest in sex or dating then either.
He chuckled, before walking to sit at the edge of his head. Am I really thinking about this? He asked himself, biting his lower lip as he looked out into the room. Kyle acknowledged that it was an odd thing to try and figure out in your forties—his sexuality.
But what if—
What if he liked Chaska that way?
"It's not a big deal," he muttered to himself in a low tone as he rubbed his arms. It was spring now, but the weather was still a bit chilly. "I don't have to act on it," he added, looking to the side. It wasn't like he had to tell Chaska how he felt, or that he had to act on what he was feeling. He could hold it in. He was an adult. And like most crushes and infatuations, he believed it would fade away with time.
Kyle laid down on his bed, looking up at the rough as time passed. In two hours, he would have to leave the house to pick up Otis. Well, that's what he told himself, but he slept off, only to wake up to the sound of someone rapping their fist on the door. He blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes as he sat up, but when the realization that it was past two in the afternoon hit him, he jumped out of bed
"Shit," he said, glancing at the clock that read four in the afternoon. Had he really slept for four hours? He managed to get into comfortable clothes before hurried down the ladder to the main floor.
"Who is it?" he asked as the knocking from the door rang through the house. It was so loud. Who would knock like that?
"Daddy!"
"Otis?" With a confused frown, Kyle walked to the front door and opened it just enough to see who was outside. When he saw Chaska cradling his son on his hip, he felt his face warm up as embarrassment flooded him.
"I came to drop him off," Chaska said, breaking the silence. "I called your mother. She gave me the address," he added, explaining how he had found the place.
Kyle wanted to say something, but he was too stunned to talk. Where would he even start?
"I slept off, and I just woke up. I—" He stopped his rambling. He felt his attempt to explain himself only made him look worse.
"Thanks," he said instead, looking over at Otis who seemed a bit oblivious to what had happened.
"I played with Chaska!" He announced, making Kyle smiled a little. At least he didn't seem to know that he had been picked up late.
With that Chaska bent to drop Otis on the ground. At first, the toddler resisted, but Chaska mentioned something, and he complied.
"I'll be leaving now," the young man said, checking his watch. Kyle wondered if he was still planning to head to the gym. He was with his bag, and it looked like he had changed to sportier clothes before coming to drop Otis off. The man looked up and locked eyes with Kyle. An action that made Kyle look away from shock. He still wasn't used to Chaska looking into his eyes. It was strange. He had eye contact with everyone else just fine.
"I'll see you later then," Chaska said when Kyle didn't say anything in response. He had started walking down the porch stairs when Kyle felt a wave of confidence and called out to him.
"Wait." Chaska turned at Kyle's loud voice, raising a brow in silent question.
"Maybe I should have your n-number," he muttered, unable to finish the sentence without stuttering. He meant it in a completely innocent way, but the thoughts he's been having for the past few days were making him doubt his own intentions. "So, if something like this happens again you could just call me," Kyle found the voice to add.
"Alright," Chaska said, reaching into his pocket to take out his phone. He climbed back up to the porch before handing Kyle his phone to type in his number.
"I'll call you right away and you can save my number from that," he said, taking his phone back when Kyle had saved his number as a contact.
Chaska made to leave again. but Kyle called out to him again.
"Wait!"
The young man stopped at the stairs with a little frown on his face.
"Are you going to the gym?" Kyle asked, not wanting to think too much about Chaska's foul expression. He just wanted to get his offer out.
"I can't it's too late," the young man said, shrugging his shoulders before folding his hands over his chest. Kyle felt a tinge of guilt. Chaska staying back at the preschool hours after closing was because of him.
"That's too bad."
"It is."
"Do you want to stay over for dinner?" And odd sequence for the conversation, but the question had been lodged in Kyle's throat since Chaska handed him his number, and he croaked it out when his body finally stopped convulsing with nerves. "Please stay," he added, afraid that Chaska's silence was the set up for rejecting the offer.
Chaska's lips had parted a bit, and he seemed to be edging his head to the right to try and judge if he had properly heard what Kyle said. "Stay over for dinner?" he repeated, testing to see if he had read Kyle's lips right.
"Yes, as a thank you," Kyle explained, and Chaska muttered an 'oh.'
"Oh, okay," he added, blinking as he pushed a stray strand of his long hair away from his face. He had most of it up in a bun today—most, because strands kept breaking free and falling around his face like a curtain.
"You should come in," Kyle said, stepping into the house. Otis had slipped past him a long time ago, and the child must have thought Chaska was gone because when Chaska ran into the leaving room he squealed and jumped down from the sofa where he had been.
"Are you living with us now?" the child asked, making Chaska laugh.
"No, I'm just here for dinner," he explained, and the child pouted.
"I want to live with you," Otis mumbled as he took Chaska's hand and led him to the small dining table.
"Maybe someday," the young man had replied.
Kyle knew Chaska was only saying that to please Otis. He didn't mean it. He knew that, but he couldn't help himself from picturing it.
What if Chaska lived with them someday?
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