บท 7: Like Sugar | Chapter Seven
The first thing Darnell noticed about Jared when he started helping him study was that he was a good teacher. He had to a admit, before this night he had always wondered how Jared handled his lectures; or even his students. After all, Jared was so shy that he could barely speak up most of the time. So, it was surprising to find out that when Jared was teaching, he was a whole different person. His mannerisms were more confident, and his quiet voice was replaced by a clear speaking voice. He also talked — a lot, and Darnell could barely keep up with taking notes.
When Darnell had thought this evening out in his head, he had imagined snacks, kissing breaks, and maybe some light flirting as they glossed through the question. Instead, Jared was tutoring him like he had the exam tomorrow. To be fair, he had the exam in two days so Jared pushing him to study made sense. Oh well, that's what Darnell got for reading all those professor romance novels Nathalie had laying around in their apartment.
"Darnell, are you listening? Did you understand what I just explained?" Jared asked, poking the young man's hand with a pencil when he lost his concentration. Darnell sat up, shaking his head and apologizing as he rubbed his eyes. He had asked Jared to help him out from six in the evening to maybe eight, but somehow, they'd sat at the dining table with math problems till eleven. Frankly speaking, Darnell was exhausted. He wasn't used to studying at a stretch and was the type to take breaks every thirty minutes or so.
"Are you tired?" Darnell heard Jared ask in a worried tone as the man's fingers ran through his hair. Darnell nodded, giving up on trying to keep his eyes open. He was exhausted beyond words.
"I'm sorry, I don't think we can do that today," Darnell mumbled, referring to having sex. Since they had been studying longer than Darnell expected, he felt like he needed to sleep. They both had to be up and running by eight in the morning.
"It's alright, I already assumed so," Jared said in a soft voice as Darnell let out a sigh of relief. There was the sound of a chair being drawn, and then footsteps leaving the room. Darnell wondered what Jared had gone to get. He opened his eyes, looking down at the dining table they had been working on before he started to pack up his books. Jared came back with two cups of beverages, putting one on the end of the table for himself, before handing the other cup to Darnell, who was done packing up his stuff. The two drank from their mugs in silence as the clock ticked in the background.
"So, how was your day today?" Darnell asked, bringing the mug up to his face. The steam coming from the beverage warmed up his face, making him stay awake. "You never talk about yourself," Darnell pointed out when Jared didn't say anything. Usually, Darnell would mind his business and not ask Jared about his personal life. He wasn't sure what came over him. Darnell thought it might be because the room was too quiet, or maybe it was because he had his guard down because he was sleepy. His head was in a weird place where he was thinking too much about Jared, about their arrangement, and about the feelings that were starting to creep into his subconscious.
Jared sighed, staring at Darnell before tearing his eyes away from the younger man to stare down into his mug of hot beverage. He bit down on his bottom lip, thinking hard. "My life's not very eventful. I went to work and came back. That's about it," he said looking at Darnell again. "You?"
"I'm having some problems with my Economics course this semester because I suck at Math, but you're helping, so it's okay," Darnell said, smiling before taking another sip from the mug he was cradling between his two hands. "Don't change the topic, though. I want you to talk about yourself," Darnell said, making Jared snort as the two chuckled.
"I don't have anything to say."
"Come on. Family? Friends? Annoying colleagues?" Darnell listed, making Jared think to himself.
"I really don't have the best relationship with my family," Jared said after a while.
"Me neither," Darnell said, catching Jared's attention.
"I came out when I was thirty. They're very religious, so I had to wait out coming out until I had a stable income," Jared said, making Darnell nod as he leaned back on his chair, pushing it a bit so that the front legs weren't touching the tiled floor of the dining area anymore.
"After that call on Hanukkah, I haven't called home in over fifteen years. No one tried to call me either." Suddenly, Jared felt like oversharing. He wasn't sure why, but it just felt right to talk to Darnell about it. "I still have the home phone number. I could call, but I'm not even sure they still live in that same house or own a home phone anymore," Jared said in a small mutter. His tone was blunt yet shaky. It's been a long time, but the longevity of the period had little effect on how little he healed from the silent rejection from his family.
"I'm so sorry..." Darnell trailed, placing his cup down on the table. He didn't know if it would be weird to get up and walk over to him. Jared just looked cold, like recalling what happened was making him tense up in an attempt not to come off as too emotional.
"It's alright," Jared said, putting up a forced smile. "At least I didn't come out when I was younger. That would have been stupid. I have reason to believe they would have kicked me out and that would have just made things a whole lot more complicated for me," Jared explained, looking over at Darnell who was now humming as the tip of his fingers rubbed down the light warm mist forming around the ceramic surface.
"Yeah, you're right," Darnell laughed before smiling a little. He didn't look up at Jared and kept his focus on the cup between his hands. "That didn't go too well for me," Darnell said in a low tone, but Jared heard him, and he suddenly felt embarrassed about what he had said.
"I—"
"It's okay, I don't like thinking about it too much." Darnell shrugged, reaching a hand up to push back strands of his curly dark hair behind his ears. "I thought they would understand, but I guess I was wrong," Darnell muttered, his voice cracking towards the end. Shit. He thought, reaching out to wipe at his eyes with the back of his palm as he blinked back the tears. He hadn't planned to cry, but the memory was too fresh — less than a year ago.
Darnell heaved when he heard Jared's seat move, and he sat on his seat staring down at his cup as footsteps approached him.
"Do you want to go to bed?" Jared asked, placing his hands on Darnell's shoulders before giving them a soft squeeze.
"Y-yeah," Darnell croaked, nodding before rubbing his eyes again. Why did he have to cry here of all places — in front of Jared? He couldn't even understand his own thought process. If anything, Jared would understand. He just felt very small and childish at the moment, like almost a year ago when he thought his father accepting him for who he was would fix everything.
When Darnell calmed himself down there was a brief moment of silence. Jared still had his hands on the younger man's shoulders, and Darnell felt too exhausted to move.
"Maybe you want to talk for a bit before you go to bed?" Jared asked.
"Mhm," Darnell mumbled, nodding his head and causing his curls to bounce. Jared let go of his shoulders, pulling out the seat beside Darnell before sitting down. They both sat down in silence as Jared waited for Darnell to put himself together and talk.
"I'm sorry," Darnell said, hearing Jared mutter a small assurance that it was alright.
"My mum kicked me out. She's the one who has a job and who was putting us through. My dad didn't have a say in the matter. I'm sure he wanted me to stay," Darnell started saying as he played with the ends of his sleeves, making sweater mittens as he tried to put the jumble of words in his head together. "I feel incredibly stupid about it because I'm sure if I had come out when my dad still had a job, I wouldn't have been thrown out like that," Darnell said. "I could have waited his unemployment period out, but bad timing I guess." Darnell shrugged, looking straight into the living room. He watched the grandfather clock in the distance click. It was already midnight. He wondered if he could even make it for classes tomorrow.
"I guess sometimes I like to imagine the what ifs, you know? Like, what if my mother would have at least let me keep my phone when she kicked me out? Maybe I would have called my dad by now. What if I had just waited it out like you did, instead, I insisted on doing it right away. Even when I knew the only person that would still care about me afterward wouldn't be in the position to make things go smoothly — well, as smoothly as it can get when coming out to an extremely homophobic person," Darnell said, letting out a small sigh.
"But I guess at the same time I realize that if I hadn't gotten kicked out, I would've not met Nathalie. I would've never tried my hands on drag. I would've not insisted on going to college to spite my mum, and I wouldn't have met you—" Darnell said, turning in his seat to face Jared. The man had his half lens, square-framed glasses on. His face had a tint of red in it as he looked away from Darnell, adjusting the sleeves of the floral shirt he hadn't taken off when they got to his apartment.
Darnell smiled, realizing Nathalie would probably freeze up at the sight of Jared. He looked ridiculous, but it an adorable way — well, to Darnell. Jared's fashion sense was all over the place and he only accidentally made good fashion choices; like what he wore when he first met Darnell, which had been nice, and looked good on him. Darnell picked up Jared's bad fashion sense very quickly when looking through his wardrobe to find something to borrow the one time he forgot to bring a change of clothes with him. Darnell looked away, a small smile forming on his face at his thoughts. Jared rose a brow, confused at the young man's quick change of emotions.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Darnell said, realizing that he would rather snuggle up to Jared than go on one of his 'woe is me' rants. "Let's go to bed," Darnell muttered, making Jared stare at him in concern for a few seconds before nodding and getting up from his seat. Darnell got up too, picking up his things and stuffing them in his bag, while Jared took the cups to the kitchen sink. The two walked up the stairs together and showered one after the other. Darnell got into bed first. He never brought night clothes with him, so he was stuck wearing one of Jared's boxers. Jared turned off the room's lights and switched on the night light that bathed the room in a warm mix of reds and yellows. He crawled into bed with Darnell afterward. The younger man latched on to him immediately, resting his head on his chest as he hugged him to himself.
"Thank you for helping me out with my Math today," Darnell muttered in the dark as Jared ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry that took a lot of time. We could always reschedule and do what you want later—"
"It's fine," Jared said, cutting Darnell off before he could make an offer. He didn't want Darnell making offers and rescheduling like he had missed an appointment. It reminded him too much of the fact that Darnell was just providing him with a service.
"You're a good teacher," Darnell whispered after a moment of silence. "Has anyone ever told you that?" he asked, letting himself pick at the hairs on Jared's chest. "Like, really good."
Jared could feel his face warming up. It was such an odd compliment to get hot and bothered by. Maybe it was the way Darnell said it, or maybe Darnell complimenting him at all just had that effect on him.
"Why aren't you saying anything? You're so shy," Darnell giggled, reaching out to cup Jared's face in his hands before pulling him in for a kiss. Darnell's hands were warm. His tongue was warm. His breaths were warm — everything about him was warm. Jared felt like he was melting. On a usual day, he'd curl away when anyone said anything mildly teasing about him, but Darnell giggling and calling him shy had the opposite effect. He just wanted to listen to Darnell laugh all day, and he wanted to be the reason Darnell was laughing.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you something," Darnell said, pulling away from the kiss. "I have a show this Saturday. Will you come? I'll just text you the address."
It took a while for Jared to process the fact that Darnell was talking about his drag show, but when he did, he nodded before hugging Darnell to himself. "I'll come."
Darnell hummed, snuggling into Jared. "I'll text you the address," he whispered before closing his eyes and trying to sleep. The orange night light bathed them, and Jared looked on at Darnell's face before falling asleep too.
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