บท 11: All it takes is one jump

The sound of the lock being turned from the inside startled her. Thankfully, it was just her brother who was about to go out.

"When did you leave your room?" Kai An asked, confused as he had not seen her coming out from her room since last night. As he was often busy with work, he was only able to game during the weekends and thus, he tends to stay up late gaming with his girlfriend.

"Earlier. I went for a walk." She walked into the house and went straight to the kitchen to get a drink.

"With your bag?" He yelled from the door.

"Yeah. My bottle is inside." she said, appearing back at the door, "Where are you going?"

"Out. Mum won't be back until after dinner. Settle your meals yourself."

"As usual then." She then closed the door behind him.

Walking into the empty house, she decided to get some work done. Within minutes, she managed to set out a make-shift office in the living room. Her mum and brother used to complain about it as she took up quite a lot of space in the living room, what with her piles of documents littering around the floor and the coffee table. However, they were often rendered quiet when she glared at them. She had no patience for anyone when she was deeply engrossed in work.

She pulled a file from her work bag and plopped on the couch as she read the summarized case notes made by her assistant. It was a clear cut hit-and-run case, and she was representing the driver in a civil suit. She spent the next 6 hours pouring over the file as she took down notes and do case research to back up her arguments. When her phone rang, she saw that she received a message from DX.

( J & L refused to talk to me. They are pretending that I don't exist. What should I do?)

To tease him, she sent -

(Who is this DX? Why do I have his contact?)

(Not funny) [He attached a photo of his kids looking away from him.]

( it's funny to me. Haha. Take them out to the new arcade at Street Arc and actually play some games with them. Even if they ignore you. They just want you to be there for them. Also, there's a cafe nearby where they can read comics. I think they would like it.)

(You are a lifesaver. BTW, I'm planning for our first real date. 3 months period starts on the first date.)

(I did not agree to that.)

(You did not disagree. So we set it as that. Gotta go. L is glaring at me.)

Kai Xin shook her head as she read the message. Who was the lawyer again?

She continued working until 9pm, and only stopped because of the nausea caused by her hunger pangs. When she went to the kitchen and when she found nothing she likes, she made a latte and ate a few pieces of biscuits. She looked at her watch and realized that her mum was later than usual.

She texted her mum -

( Whr r u?)

A few minutes later,

( Just got off work. Ate dinner? )

( Yeah, but still hungry. Buy something back later. )

( K. Where's An?)

( Out. )

No more text from her mum after that. Glancing at her watch, she gave her mum 30 minutes before she would arrive at the house. Kai Xin frowned when she saw her reflection from the watch. "Damn you, DX." That would explain her brother's look earlier. She cursed as she quickly went to the bathroom and counted the hickies on her neck. To avoid any awkward questioning from her mother, she decided to put on a short sleeved hoodie and zipped it all the way to the top. It made breathing a lot harder but there was no choice. It was either being choked to death or being questioned to death. Frankly, she preferred the former.

Over dinner, her mum kept giving her curious glances.

"Aren't you hot?"

"No."

"Why are you wearing the hoodie at home?"

"I'm trying to be cool."

"What is wrong with you?" She took a quick glance at Kai Xin's hands and noticed a little bruise but nothing that would raise suspicion. Because of her clumsy nature, Kai Xin tended to get bruised easily. When she was a kid, she would wake up with bruise due to the number of times she fell off the bed and when her brother kicked her when they were on the same bed.

What she was checking out for are the tell-tale signs of relapse.

"Xin, are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine."

"You are not -"

"I'm not. I'm really fine." Kai Xin gave her a quick smile before turning her focus back on her burger.

Her mum sighed, "Please let me know if you get stressed out. Whether it is work, or your life, I want to know them."

"Mmhmm." Kai Xin quickly finished up her food before going back into her room. She had to wake up early morning tomorrow to take the train to work. As she lay on the bed with her arms crossed against her forehead, she thought about those days where she was a complete wreck. So filled with anger and fear, she was a walking time-bomb.

Her family did not know what had happened and they were both quite ignorant of how to deal with her outburst. They tried to counsel her but that only managed to make her feel worse. Kai Xin ran away from home at least thrice in the past 12 years.

All three times, she would stand over the ledge of a building and a bridge, and once, she sat at a playground with a knife rested over her wrist. During those times, the only thought in her mind was to end her life. All it would take was one jump, one push, or a clean incision across the wrist.

However, while it was hard to get through each and every day, she did not want to end it. She has to live on and get stronger.