บท 32: ROASTED MONKEYS ON TABLE 5
ROASTED MONKEYS ON TABLE 5
I don't want to ruin my day early by seeing Kristoff's face, so we decided to visit the bar first. I'm kinda curious what Tiara's half-sisters would look like. All I can imagine are cute aristocratic girls with the same face as her.
I'm glad that the bar in this Black Cross Mansion is nothing I imagined. There are no loud dubstep music, no disco balls, and no party drugs. (This is my first time entering a bar, so I thought party drugs are always a thing.) Of course, there are no evil things here since this place is filled with Gate Guardians. There's only billiards and poker as entertainment here.
The recreational games may be boring, but I think getting tipsy is more entertaining. But then I remembered what happened the other day. And oh, too bad. Tiara and I can only order a club soda because we're minors.
We settled down on the fifth table, eating our club sandwich that was filled with chunky chicken, lettuce, cheese, bacon and mayo.
Suddenly, some purple alcohol gushed from the top of Tiara's head. It made the shrine maiden wet and smell like grapes. And now her white miko dress has been stained!
"Oh, look. It's our witch, Tiara." The woman who poured the liquid said. Her voice is like the sound of a chair makes when you drag it lazily in an unpolished floor.
"More like our bitch!" The other woman seconded. This one has a deep manly voice.
"A-Alice and Bella onee-sama!" Tiara smiled, completely ignoring that dishonorable thing that they have done to her.
That Alice must be a scrawny girl. She has this face in the shape of a crescent moon and her cheeks are covered with zits. She is wearing a princess-like blue short gown that reveals her hairy legs.
Meanwhile, Bella is a manly girl. Maybe more manly than me. She has this huge biceps rivaling that of Macho Steel, and her face is square as a Rubix cube. This ladyboy is wearing a princess pink gown.
They all look like those ugly stepsisters in every fairy tale ever. I can't believe 50% of their gene is identical to Tiara due to them having the same father. Is Tiara sure that she's not adopted at all?
"We don't want to waste our time with you so let's cut the chase. Apparently, father went home for a couple of days, looking for this guy."
Alice said those words as she revealed a picture of a handsome black-haired man with golden brown eyes. He resembles a lot like Tiara.
"He said that he's looking for your twin brother," Bella said in his deep voice. "That's right. That guy is your twin. That means he's the same as you, born from a witchy bitchy mother!"
Tiara put the photo closer to her face. It really is her male version. Same fare white skin, same childlike face, and even same long dark hair... From my perspective, I would certainly mistake him for a girl. Trap Twin brother confirmed.
Tiara's eyes sparkled and tears are about to fall off. She turned around the picture and saw the name Diadem Solstice.
<>
Suddenly, I noticed that Bella is getting some cupcakes from the nearby table. I used my <Presage> and that made me realize what will happen.
"Whoopsie! My hands slipped!" Bella certainly didn't slip, because she threw all the cupcakes one by one.
I caught one, two, three cupcakes just by using my right hand, matrix style, just before it reached my friend's precious face. Now that Tiara's safe, both of the ugly sisters were dumbfounded!
"Stop messing around." I coldly glared at the evil stepsisters.
"Whoa, you got an awesome boyfriend here," Alice commented with a smile that looks like a goat.
"Say, why won't you be mine." Bella leaned on my shoulder. "You won't get anything good from that cursed witch."
These girls messed the wrong person. I shrugged her arm away.
"Get your sweaty hands off me, Incredible Hulk. I can't even imagine my pretty face dating an abomination. There's no way I would get a girlfriend that's a guy!"
"How dare you! I'm a woman!" Bella protested.
"On what angle, Donkey Kong? If you remove bananas on your diet, maybe I'll consider it. You already look like a chimpanzee that just had sex with an older, more disgusting gorilla."
"Oooooh!" Some eavesdropping men from the other table dropped their reaction.
Bella backed off for a while. She had her eyebrows twitching as her jaws fell off due to embarrassment. I'm clearly making a scene here. I don't care if the bartender and the other people here are looking in our direction. I just don't want a friend of mine to be bullied by fuglies.
Now, it's Alice's turn to flirt with me. She winked several times at me while staring me eye to eye. What a desperate beast!
"I'm sorry about my little sisters. They lack some manners. How about we go to my room and stare at each other's faces all day long?" Alice said.
"Oh yeah, I'm already staring at you," I replied.
"Am I pretty? Or ugly?" Alice winked twice as fast as before.
"Both. You're pretty ugly. I can't stop staring at your face because I'm counting your pimples. I really need a calculator to compute the total area of bacteria on your face. You remind me of a decomposing mango I saw in the trash can. Are you sure those yellow thing on your face are not maggots?"
"Eeeeeeeey!" The eavesdropping men reacted. I'm glad I'm making a lot of audience impact! Hahaha!
"Y-Y-Y-Y-You!" Alice muttered with her embarrassed face. "Bella! Let's go!"
Then the two ran away from the scene and never came back.
I looked at Tiara, who was just giving a forced smile. Every time I roast someone with my dirty mouth, she would punch me, but now, our roles have reversed. I punched her soft cheek. Not a hard punch, but soft and gentle. It only seemed like I pushed her face with my fist.
"Next time, you defend yourself. You can't act like a fairy tale princess everytime your evil sisters see you." I drew my handkerchief and started wiping her wet silky smooth hair.
"R-Right." Tiara bowed. "Thanks a lot, Rikkun."
She got hold of my handkerchief and proceeded to clean the mess herself.
"Tell me, the witch thing is not really a joke, isn't it? I've been hearing it a lot nowadays. Was it related to why your sisters treated you like a turd?"
"It's quite a long story." Tiara smiled innocently.
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