บท 2: I want to die part 2

The thought of committing suicide had never been something he had considered seriously, but now that he had nothing to live for, he wanted to end it all. Tanatswa began to dedicate his time to learning the different methods of suicide. He decided to make use of his VPN in case someone was checking his search history, hoping that his sudden interest in self termination wouldn't result in the authorities being alerted. As the boy looked at the search results list, he saw Google's other search results showing suicide hotline numbers and warning against taking one's own life.

Tanatswa simply ignored these, and went straight for the link with the list of methods. The list had drowning yourself, jumping off a building, running into a car, drinking rat poison or making yourself suffocate with the fumes of a car. These seemed complicated and probably were the most painful ways to die. Tanatswa remembered almost drowning when he was little and could still simulate the pain of his lungs back then in his mind. Though he wanted to end his life, drowning himself was out of the question. The option of cutting himself with a razor on his wrists seemed like something he was likely to do. However, the prospect of bleeding himself to death got him worried about what would happen if he failed to die and had to live with his fuck up. Tanatswa thus opted for the traditional method of hanging himself.

After watching a tutorial, the boy took a rope that was in the back yard, tied a noose, and made a hole in his ceiling so that he could hook the rope on the wood that was supporting the roof tiles. Tanatswa placed the scissors he used to cut through the rope in his right pocket and grabbed a chair. He stood on top of it, put his head through the noose and tightened it. After a minute of contemplation, he shed a tear, grimaced his face and then kicked the chair away. In that moment, a tight hooking sensation engulfed his neck. As if his body was acting on its own, his hands rushed to latch onto the rope that was squeezing the life out of him. He was in pain and he could feel his face quickly heat up, covered in veins as his eyes turned red.

His legs began to knock down furniture as he kicked around and lamented the pain in his chest. Dying was actually a painful affair and this was more than what he could handle. Tanatswa quickly searched through his right pocket, took out his scissors and began to cut through the rope. He was nose bleeding by then and sweating vehemently. Through sheer force of will, he snapped the rope, landed badly on the floor and fractured his right wrist and dislocated his right shoulder. The pain from both his landing and chest made him cough violently and burst into tears. He had not fully committed to this part of suicide and was now dealing with the consequences.

The rope had left a deep mark on his neck which would become apparent to anyone with suspecting eyes. He lied on the ground, crying for over 10minutes until his maid burst into his room to find his maimed body. She was horrified by what she had discovered and helped him up. His room was a mess and it smelled like semen and piss. She helped him up and dragged him to the living room. She took off the noose and realized how deep the marks were on his neck.

She began to scold him, shouting out, "What were you thinking? What is bothering you? Why do you want to die at such a young age?" She rushed to get a glass of water, and gave it to him. Tanatswa used his uninjured hand and slowly drank it, but he burst into a violent cough similar to vomiting water. The maid got flustered by this situation and immediately opted to make a phone call. She decides to call his mother but as soon as he understood what she was about to do, he yanked her forcefully and held her tight, grabbing a hold of her phone and then stuttering into her ear, "Don't tell my mother, if you do you will make things worse." The maid was stunned by his forcefulness and unintentionally struck his dislocated shoulder with her elbow.

He roared in pain and fell to the ground. The maid now felt even worse for escalating his situation and began to apologize with teary eyes. She still did not know what to do and opted to call his mother but when she made her way to her phone, the young man made it a point to make it clear that he didn't want her to phone his mother, but she insisted on making sure that she would. The maid got a hold of the phone and rushed outside to make the phone call. Though weak and rustled by his strangulation and fall, Tanatswa rose up from the ground and tried to catch up to her but in the end he collapsed and fainted due to a lack of strength. Tanatswa had failed to even end his life, but now things were bound to turn for the worst.

Tanatswa woke up in the back seat of his mother's Honda and realized that the car was in transit, heading for the hospital. He could hear his mother's sobbing as she drove and wondered when was the last time he had heard her cry. When they arrived at the hospital, the maid who was seated at the passenger's seat rushed out and opened the back seat door. The young man evaded her assist and decided to get out himself. Apparently the little sleep he got from the fainting was enough to recuperate him fully with the exception of his fractured wrist and dislocated shoulder which was still bust. Tanatswa's mother glanced at him and with a shrivelled face asked him, "Why do you want to make your mother cry? Who bewitched you?" The rather negative reception was expected but the fact that she thought that he was bewitched made him feel uncomfortable.

She contained herself and walked towards the hospital doors. His mother talked to the receptionist and slipped in the words, "tried to hang himself." This made the nurses and staff give him immediate attention, but the look he got from those who overheard his mother was really repugnant. It was as if he was a criminal that committed mass genocide or rather the thought of self infliction on one's own body was a cosmic anomaly to them. Tanatswa ended up going to see the doctor and when asked about why he tried to hang himself he kept quiet. The young man ended up getting prescribed anti depressants, other drugs to deal with his lungs and pain on his neck as well as a cast for his wrist. The pain of getting his shoulder lodged back made him gnash his teeth, but he tried by all means to not shed a tear during this experience.

As he lied on his bed, pretending to be asleep, he could over hear the doctor and his mother having a conversation concerning him. She ended up chocking up his depression to possibly unemployment or witchcraft. Her superstitious mind never failed to peeve him, but alas he felt like a stigmatized HIV positive person. Tanatswa stayed there for one night and then returned home.

He also wondered whether or not the maid had spread any rumours about him to any of the people in the neighbourhood. The last thing he wanted was his reputation to be ruined, to be painted as a broken creature with decrepit thoughts. It's not as if these people really cared about him, but the thought of them coming up with their speculative fiction about the reasons behind his attempted suicide annoyed him. Despite the fact that the pain of strangulation hurt a lot, he actually regretted not taking his life. Later that day when he had returned, the local pastor was sent to his household to pray for him. The deduction that the pastor had made was that the young man was plagued by an evil spirit and would probably need an exorcism. Tanatswa glared at this man as if he had insulted the very fabric of his depression. This wasn't some sudden phenomenon as a result of opening a forbidden book, but a culmination of failed attempts at succeeding in life.

Tanatswa rolled his eyes and went onto to his room to reflect on his current situation. The boy still wanted to kill himself but he wasn't going to hang himself or rather even if he wanted to, he no longer had a chance to do so. The house was on high alert and he was even told to sometimes sleep in the dining room so that people in his family would keep an eye on him.

This was now frustrating him and he wondered when this close scrutiny would end. The young man decided to end it all by going online to once again seek out more information on how to end his life, this time, with painlessness being the major aim. As he was going through the links he noticed a link to a local suicide facility. This shocked him because Zimbabwe was a conservative country that would never allow such a thing to exist. Tanatswa got curious and clicked the link. He was taken to website that seemed simple and professional considering it was offering death by euthanasia. The minimum age restriction for this service was 21 and apparently the cost was free. Free? Holy shit was what he was thinking and it probably was a scam, but instead of instantly writing it off, he took down the number of this institution and made sure to whisper into his phone as made the phone call.

"Hello is this Euthanasia Experience?" he asked, shocked that someone had picked up the phone.

"Yes. How may we help you?" asked the lady on the other side who had one of those posh voices that you would expect from a woman acting in a James Bond film. Tanatswa paused a bit, wondering whether or not anyone could hear him and then he whispered into the phone, "Is the euthanasia for free as it says on your website?"

"Yes it is." she said with a calm voice. Tanatswa was taken aback by her rather lax rapport considering that someone was potentially seeking death from their services. A bit sceptical he then asked her, "If you guys don't charge people for this process then what's the catch?"

"There is no catch per say but if you are wondering what we would do to your body, the option is up to you. We offer 2 packages. The first one is for your organs to be preserved and used for an organ donor transaction with local hospitals and the 2nd is that you can choose to have your body buried for the purpose of a funeral without ever having any of your organs distributed. It's all up to the individual. By the way, are you the one who seeks this service specifically and if so, are you above the age restriction?"

"Yes I am the one who is seeking the service and I am 23 years old." he said, slightly convinced by her explanation, "well where can I find your offices?"

"Well if you check our contact page, our directions are there. Make sure to double check the Google maps representation. You can come anytime today before 18:00pm." said the lady who seemed rather chummy with her last remark. Tanatswa was a bit petrified by the fact that her tone was so relaxed despite her being in the euthanasia business. He ended up checking the contact page, took down the address and thanked the lady for her assistance. The location looked familiar and was located near the 9th street of the high calibre Avenues flats.

He didn't frequent there a lot but he knew that it was an area mostly inhabited by foreigners and upper middle class white collar job holders. All he probably needed was his ID and cash to get a bus. He was empty but he knew where his mother kept her secret stash of cash. All he needed was just a dollar to get into town and that was all he took. He left the house or more like sneaked out and headed for where he could catch a lift. It was around 10:00am and he was wondering how long it would take to finalize the paper work on their side, but surely if it was possible, he would want to end it all today.