บท 308: El Diablo (8) : Jon vs. The Mad God
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"What does it mean Battle-Born and El Diablo are the same person?"
What Haskill said made me want to lash but knowing that I am in the realm of madness, there was not much I can do. Still, that didn't mean my Tyrant Aura can be suppressed easily even by me.
"Exactly what you heard, I'm afraid. Quite the amusing fellow he is. I am sure Lord Sheogorath will take a liking on him."
"Can you get us to the bottom of this, please?" Isha said.
"To the bottom? Oh, you need to take the stairway down then… I suggest walking, you know how it goes, just place one foot in front of the other." Haskill mocked Isha.
It seems he has no intention of telling us what's going on.
"Then I demand to meet Lord Sheogorath." I said.
"…" Those who are present around me gave a dubious look. Huskill then spoke.
"Of course, you are the keeper of the Staff, you have the right, how troublesome! You can of course meet Lord Sheogorath but you need to find him first."
"Meaning?"
"The Mad God has gone on vacation." Haskill said.
"Come again?" Isha didn't see this one coming.
"Already?" My impression was different. "For how long?"
"Let's see… by the timeline of the Mortal World, it has been 5 years since he did so. He didn't say how long will he stay on vacation though."
"And where can we find him then?" Isha asked.
"Ah… I'm afraid I can't tell, the schedule of the Mad God is not available for the public."
"He is in the mind of The Mad Emperor, Pelagius Septim III." I said as I looked to Haskill.
His face froze for a moment but became indifferent once again.
"And I suppose that you knew by using the Staff?"
"Nope, just the perk of having a past life."
"Oh… How amazing! I read a book about those things but it had no pictures so I didn't understand anything comprehend it. Well then, if you know the whereabouts of the Mad God then you earned the qualifications to know what happened to your friend. This way." Haskill said and turned around walking to the gate of the palace.
The Saints and the seducers urged us to follow.
The inside of the Palace of New Sheoth was just as I remembered it, a gloomy right half lit with cold flames and a bright left half lit with normal flames.
The Saints and the Seducers didn't follow through the double gates and it was just us three, Haskill, Isha and me.
Haskill walked through the hallways of the palace and led us to the throne room where it was also divided into a gloomy side and a bright side. In its end, there was a throne with the same theme as everything. Haskill stood beside the throne which is set in front of a huge root laden with mushroom.
"Due to the absence of Lord Sheogorath, the Realm of Madness is as you see… a bit docile." He said.
"Really? I thought the Asylum is up and running."
"It is, it is… don't want people to say I am not doing my job here but as you see, the Lord is not around so some folk are getting rather sickly by the minute around the Isles."
"Sickly?" Isha asked.
"He means less mad." I replied.
"Exactly, the place is getting more boring by the second but lucky for us, we had some festivals of our own that can keep the place up and running, spreading some madness into the populace, you see. One of those is El Diablo Festival. To do so, we needed someone to assume the role of El Diablo and thankfully, Lord Sheogorath was preparing for that by laying some baits in the Mortal World. Once we found the perfect candidate to become El Diablo, we brought him here in hopes that Lord Sheogorath returns to enjoy the Festival but the Lord was ignoring me lately."
"Oh… Poor Haskill!"
"… Your sarcasm is unappreciated."
"So, if you want Sheogorath back, you can just send me to convince him to return and you give me my friend back… I want him sane, not a demented or a maniac, not even drunk."
"… Oh! I see that you are a detail oriented person. Fine then, but only Lord Sheogorath can relieve your friend from his role as El Diablo."
"Tsk… now you are the troublesome one."
"I didn't say it would be easy."
Haskill attitude was getting on my nerve but whatever, I can handle an immortal Breton.
"Wait! You are going alone?" Isha asked.
"If it is about Sheogorath, then leave him to me. I have a thing I want to talk to him about." I said and looked at Haskill. "Take me to your Lord."
***
In a tea party inside a certain gloomy forest, two gentlemen sat down across a table that had all manner of delicacies on it.
"More tea, Pelly my dear?" A gentleman offered another.
"Oh, I couldn't. Goes right through me. Besides, I have so many things to do... So many undesirables to contend with. Naysayers. Buffoons. Detractors. Why? My headsman hasn't slept in three days!" The latter said.
"You are far too hard on yourself, my dear, sweet, homicidally insane Pelagius. What would the people do without you? Dance? Sing? Smile? Grow old? You are the best Septim that's ever ruled. Well, except for that Martin fellow, but he turned into a dragon god, and that's hardly sporting... You know, I was there for that whole sordid affair. Marvelous time! Butterflies, blood, a Fox, a severed head... Oh, and the cheese! To die for."
"Yes, yes, as you've said, countless times before..."
"Hafrumph! Well then, if you're going to be like that... Perhaps it's best I…"
"Excuse me." A third gentleman appeared and spoke to the first, "I was looking for you, got something I'm supposed to deliver, your hands only."
"STOP!" The first gentleman screamed out. He looked like a harmless old man in a strange purple attire that its right doesn't match its left. That was Sheogorath.
The second gentleman was a blonde Breton with tired expressions donned in a majestic attire. That was The Mad Emperor, Pelagius Septim III.
The third gentleman was a red-haired Nord of a towering height and smiling face, the air around him was dangerous and domineering. That was Jon Dare.
As the first two checked the third, they narrowed their eyes.
"For screaming out loud! How do you Couriers always find people?" Sheogorath screamed.
"I am here to deliver a message."
"Reeaaaallllyyyy?!" Sheogorath was taken aback, "Ooh, ooh, what kind of a message? A song? A summons? Wait, I know! A death threat was written on the back of an Argonian concubine! Hahahaaa! Those are my favorite?"
"Sorry to ruin your fantasy." Jon handed a simple written letter to Sheograth.
"Really? What is that? Not fun, mortal." Sheogorath snatched the letter from Jon and opened it then…
*Bang*
Colorful pieces of paper exploded from the letter once Sheogorath opened it. There was "Happy Birthday!" written on it.
*calpclapclapclapclapclap*
Pelagius and Jon started clapping while smiling between each other.
"Oh! Thank you, thank you, you got me there, silly me. I don't normally get one of those but why not? Tell me, who was it? WAIT! Don't tell me. I want to guess! Was it Molag? No, no... Little Tim, the toymaker's son? The ghost of King Lysandus? Or was it... Yes! Stanley, that talking grapefruit from Passwall!" Sheogorath went with a few terrible guesses. "Oh, wrong on all accounts are they?"
"It was Haskill."
"Come ON! Why ruin the surprise?"
"I am off to me things then." Pelagius said and disappeared in the void.
"See you, Pelly!" Jon said and sat down where Pelagius was sitting and picked an apple.
"So…" Sheogorath looked at Jon.
"Your presence is required in the Shivering Isles."
"You do realize who you are talking to, don't you?"
"Of course!" Jon said and smiled brightly. "Sheogorath, Daedric Prince of Madness and other things… I think that include cheese and severed limbs… Well, you are the Mad God just in case if you need a remembrance."
Jon took out the [Staff of Sheogorath] and passed it to its owner.
"Oh! I see now, how wonderful! How joyous! You are the one? Where is Forky?"
"Here?" Jon passed the [Fork of Horripilation].
"Oh! He is back, dear Forky. I truly missed you." Sheogorath looked at the fork with affection.
"So, Mad God…" Jon spoke but Sheogorath interrupted.
"Quite an interesting title actually! Do you know it is a family title? Gets passed down from me to myself every few thousand years." Sheogorath said nonchalantly but Jon kept staring at him.
"I know… just like what happened on the last Greymarch."
"Exactly… Wait! What?"
Sheogorath looked at Jon but it was Jon's turn to play high and mighty.
"Haha! I love it when the immortals don't know they were being manipulated. Their expressions are *kiss* pure gold." Jon said as he turned his crazy smile towards the Mad God.
"Oh! Interesting play of words, mortal. I may not have to flay you alive and skip rope with your entrails after all." Sheogorath met Jon with a smile of genuine madness.
"Come on, Mad God. Aren't you becoming a bit old fashioned? We now turn entrails into balloons, especially the intestines, my favorite actually, I once made a balloon giraffe by them."
"REALLY! AMAZING! Oh, I once dismembered a person and made him squirm like a worm."
"I once dismembered a spy then sent him to his employers in a bento-box."
"I once turned a man into his wife and his wife into him."
"I once dismantled a man and put his parts back in the wrong places, eyes and balls, ears and nose, you know how it goes."
"How amateur! Listen to this…"
Sheogorath and Jon went into a heated contest about several topics that involved dismembering people, food, music and cheese… lots of cheese.
"So you are saying you created music by killing a woman and turning her entrails into the first instrument ever?" Jon was shocked.
"What? Don't tell me they don't teach that to kids." Sheogorath was furious but calmed down instantly. "And you are telling me you invented a new type of cheese?"
"Enchanted Cheese. Will make you lose your mind which you already don't have."
"I see… I see… but what was that about the Greymarch again?" The Mad God had to cut the foolery himself.
Jon kept smiling as he took another apple.
"Do you know that they call you the [Hero of Kvatch], the [Savior of Bruma], the [Champion of Cyrodiil], the [Divine Crusader] and even the [Grey Fox]? That's quite the number of titles you have there."
"…"
"I mean you were this boring?"
"SHUT IT!"
Sheogorath slammed the table between him and Jon. The world itself shook with that slam and gloominess took over in an instance.
Jon felt the madness around him, not just any madness but The Madness itself. The Aura of the God of Madness, the embodiment of the natural force of madness, the Sithis shaped hole of chaos. Or rather, he felt something he knew too damn well.
"Well… it wasn't fair, was it? What you had to face in the end. Good move by the way... slapping the face of 'Fate' the way you did. I guess it is my turn now to try and avoid that kind of end once it is all over." Jon said and took another apple.
Sheogorath didn't reply.
Jon just played the tone Sheogorath hates the most and survived just like that. He reminded the former self of Sheogorath of a bitterness that drove him to the edge of despair but he rather felt it was ironic.
"Fate? Ha! You ruined my holiday just for that?"
"Why not? When you have a Fate like mine, and you had, you will squirm left and right to get rid of it." Jon said. "And look which cheeky bastard managed to make it."
Sheogorath smiled once again but he was rather cautious this time.
"Me?"
"That's right, Bendu Olo."
[A/n: Bendu Olo is the original name of the 'Hero of Kvatch' Canon by Bethesda in Oblivion Construction Set. Check Oblivion console for a player clone NPC by the same name.]
"ENOUGH!"
Sheogorath hated that. He hated how his mantled and past personas were always struggling together in his mind and a single word of mention about any of them would stir order within the chaos of his demented mind.
One person did that in the past, Talyam Rend. Jon knew about the story and easily cornered Sheogorath with the fact. He knew the weakness of a Daedric Prince.
Until the mood of the Mad God returned back once again to order, Jon sat in his place until the realm they were in calmed down on its own.
"… Mortal, I might think of dismembering you in the end."
"It won't be fun, I can promise you that. Just give me what I want and I won't cause you trouble. We might as well hit it off as junior and senior, right?"
"And what is that you want by the by?"
"Simple. Give me my friend back."
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