บท 12: Records Of A Maid (10.5)
Hello there, it's me Estella.
Uhh, I think I died.
But that was to be expected, huh?
I mean, my life has long been overdue.
I was just a little kid from the streets. I came from a poor family, with no one but my sister who could take care of me.
Mom worked at night, and Daddy left for another woman.
I was always alone.
Sure, I had my big sis, who would take care of me, but we were always different.
She was quiet, I was energetic.
She was calm, I was emotional.
She was cold, I was warm.
She was Ice, I was fire.
However, despite our differences, I held her dear.
I don't know if it was the same for her though. I wonder, if we hadn't been family, would she have cared as much as she did now?
I was just a burden for her. Even as we became the servants of a noble family, she had to take care of me.
Even though I thought it was our turning point, nothing had really changed.
Most of the servants, were from distinguished families, using the opportunity to learn about proper etiquette, or to make ties with the household. Even the most worthless servant, had a standing that I couldn't ever dream of.
In the end, nothing had changed. My sister had to take care of me, while we were still at the bottom of the foodchain.
She had to protect the me, who was weak enough to get bullied by the others.
It was no wonder that we had a fight.
In the end, she left me for another household, and I was all alone.
I became a drifter, living without meaning. Hmm, maybe I had always just been like the wind, flowing without anyone noticing, but at that time, I had realized that my existence was a waste.
But it's okay.
I found solace in the feeling of emptiness.
Maybe I am a spoiled brat.
I may have been poor, but I had a sister who cared about me and I was given an opportunity to become a servant. That is way more than any peasant could have hoped for.
But I threw it all away. I only saw the bad side of everything.
Every night, I would cry in my small, cold bedroom.
As I continued surviving my life, day after day, I became detached from any feelings.
But there was something interesting that came with it, as my curiosity grew only bigger.
I had not given up hope, yet. I was always searching for the core, that could make my life worth living.
And, I had found it at last.
I had found it after years of searching. It was so simple, but so radiant. It was my light, shaped like a 5.3 feet tall girl, wearing nothing but a loose dress.
Agnes.
The moment I saw her, I knew, that she was my raison d'etré.
Her eyes were cold, her face was expressionless, her demeanor was dead. She had the appearance of a doll, shaped from ice.
My first thought was, that she resembled my sister, but after further consideration, I retracted that idea.
She was colder than my sister.
I fell into confusion, how can she, who was born with everything have more hatred than my sister, who had nothing?
If the me, who was spoiled by my circumstances, then what was she?
It was not long before I started observing her, from nook to cranny.
If possible, I would have loved talking with her. There were so many things that I wanted to say, that I wanted to ask, but I knew, deep in my heart, that that wouldn't be an option.
Quietly, I kept memorizing her everything into my mind.
It was for the best.
No, it was more than the best. I couldn't have wished for more. There was no way, someone as her, would ever cross paths with someone like me, under normal circumstances
She was destined to shape the world, no matter what she did. I was just a roadside pebble, that could be swapped, without anyone ever noticing.
I will just watch over her from the shadows, because I am content with just that much.
Still, when I went to sleep, it was her that I would dream about.
I really am spoiled.
But I can't help it, why am I always bound by so many shackles? Even though I want to be free, it contradicts with my feelings of wanting safety.
I want to roam around the world, living the way I want, but every single time, something stops me.
I want to live with my sister, but I can't.
I want to satisfy my curiosity, but I can't.
I want to be with Agnes, but I can't.
If I want freedom, I have to sacrifice my safety. What is this world I live in? Yes, I am spoiled. I am incredibly spoiled, but how would anyone understand what I feel, if they haven't walked in my shoes.
I just wish I have never been born at all. Maybe then, I could contribute to this world. Maybe then, there would be one less unhappy person in this world.
Selfish thoughts, I know, but that is just who I am.
Maybe that is also why, in the end, I confessed my love to Agnes.
Agnes, please don't forget me.
Rather, take my feelings and turn them into yours.
I had finally found my reason for living. I live as a pawn for you to further sharpen your life.
I am sorry, if I am playing with your emotions, I am sorry if I had planted this seed of guilt onto you, I am sorry for manipulating you.
I knew, that I would die one day. My life was long overdue, I had used to much karma for the most unnecessary reasons already.
At least let me use this death as a means for you to grow, and please accept my last selfish wish to plant myself into your heart.
It is the perfect path for both of us. You will develop you character and I will never be forgotten.
I am sorry Agnes, but thank you for giving a meaning to my life.
I love you.
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