บท 51: Hit the Road, Jack! : Hit Sadness!
Jack looked at the ceiling, his feelings in turmoil.
He would remember all the times he could have gotten a real job, and then he and Elicia wouldn't had been on this kind of situation.
He would remember all the times he could have worked hard, and with the money he got he could have made something like setting his own server or something.
He would remember how he had been living all playful and full of joy.
And he would remember his young daughters' little face.
He would be constantly crying.
As for Elicia… he now lightly slept while on top of him.
The little dragoness sleeping on his belly was a rather cute sign to behold, but all that Jack could feel while looking at her… was pain. Remorse, pain and doubt.
Had he actually destroyed her life?
Didn't he destroy both her and their daughters' lives?
Jack always knew he had a problem. But he had been living through it with self-deception and denial.
"If I really try" - he would think - "then I can forget all of this and live just fine".
Now, he was sure that wasn't true anymore.
Even after that, even after all this… he still wanted to sleep on a soft bed, roll on gold and enjoy his life fully.
A self-deprecating smile appeared on his face.
"I don't really want to work…"
The only thing he could accept after realizing his own death was to work hard to make the best out of his life.
He had hurt Elicia so much. Not counting all the times on the 10+ years they knew each other and he leeched out of her, now of all times… He wasn't even making an effort to compensate and become someone better. Someone who could work on equal footing as her.
What if a situation was to appear where he had to run and work hard to seize a chance to go back home?
He really didn't want to, but he wanted for Elicia to have this kind of opportunity. He wanted to atone for his sins.
If he would have to remain trapped inside Another World for god knows how many years, passing through god knows how much suffering, and knowing fully that she would probably find someone else and remarry, then…
[- Pff… greater mind clearance].
The sad thoughts and martyrdom fantasies vanished from his mind.
Elicia woke up, yawed and stretched her back.
"Like a kitten" - a funny thought crossed his mind at that moment, and he grinned a bit.
- What is it? - She asked on a happy and playful tone. - What happened? What is going on your head? - And then, after looking deep on his eyes, she asked with some concern.
Jack could only look to the side, not daring to meet her eyes. The motherly feeling on her words, the genuine concern, was too much for him to take head on.
She started to rub his belly in a comforting manner. Jack looked at her, and her eyes seemed to say "go on, I'm here for you".
A crooked and stiff smile, full of gilt and shame, appeared on his face.
[- Just thinking that I'm useless and that I did something awful to you. That I don't deserve you and you would be better with someone else, or if I was dead… deader.]
Elicia sighed and took flight to a small crevice on Jacks' cave.
- Stand up.
Jack was a bit confused, even if they had gone through this process thousands of times before. Be it when he failed getting a job, or money, Elicias' reaction would be like that, always welcoming, composed, feminine and strong at the same time.
But… wasn't this time different? This time… things were much more intense.
- Come on, stand up, come, come! - Elicia waved her hands at him, and Jack then proceeded to sit on his hind legs. He and Elicia stood at the same size like that - her at the crevice, he sitting on his hind legs.
[- Uhm.] He was feeling a little uplifted already.
Elicia looked at him and composed herself. Jack could see the very faint glow of the Qi Gong related skill, "Composing Breath", taking form and sipping into her body.
Her eyes became extremely lucid.
- I thought about abandoning you.
Jack grinned a bit. [- Again?]
- For real this time. Like a couple others, indeed, but this time as well, I was very close to leaving you.
Elicia had abandoned him in the past, once or twice. She would break up their relationship if he did something really, really stupid. So he knew she was serious.
Jack listened, his head low, but a small smile still on his face.
- And never coming back again. Going to that goblin island or something.
Jacks' smile froze a bit. His feelings made a turn inside his throat and he felt nauseous and dizzy.
Suddenly things became so real…
[ - I… aah…]
- Mind Clearing. - Elicia casted a spell on him, and he stopped being so badly affected. - Do you know why I didn't go on?
Jack timidly looked at her eyes and waited a bit for the answer. She didn't answer. It wasn't a rhetoric question.
[- I.. can think of a few reasons.]
- Like?
Jack felt out of breath again.
[ - I.. I… ah… I don't know, maybe you want revenge or something….]
Jack knew his answer was stupid the moment it came out of his mind. He had certain feelings, certain hints that she wouldn't leave. But he couldn't pull himself to say why.
- Come on, say it.
Elicia, however, knew best than to hear his anxious excuses.
Jack closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He focused his mind and stopped his thoughts for a moment. He didn't need a spell for that. He knew how from his old life.
[- I don't want you to go away. That's why I had a hint you would stay. Because I don't want you to go, so I don't want to think about it. I just…]
- It's okay.
Elicia stopped him and looked at the ceiling. She wasn't using spells anymore either.
- The reason I didn't go away is because… I understood that, it wasn't you doing things to me.
She had a resolute look on her face. Jack was puzzled for a moment and feeling apologetic, almost like a wife-leeching seducer.
… Wasn't he one in the end?
- I mean, it was. It was totally your fault for a lot of things. It was your fault that we couldn't enjoy Christina more, and your fault that we couldn't enjoy our lives outside more.
As Jack listened to Elicia, the face of his young daughter appeared on his mind. He felt his eyes becoming hot.
- However.
Jack looked at his wifes' resolute eyes.
- You weren't the one who made me join Squeam. I went to work there on my career and for us, not for you. I was the one who decided to go there, and I was the one who lived there with you. Unless you knew something about the invasion beforehand, then it wasn't you who killed us. Did you?
[- Did I..?]
- Did you know something about the invasion? About Shabe and the explosions?
[-No.]
And, indeed, Jack didn't.
- Then, it wasn't you. It was us, and it was me. That's why I didn't leave you.
Jack cried a bit, and Elicia had teary eyes as well.
- Besides, if I left, then who would hug me while we sleep when we get back to our human forms ? - Elicia said, smiling.
[- You could always look for that guy from I.T., Joe or something!]
- Pffffffff. As if! - Elicia motioned her hand away, and Jack felt playful.
[- Aw, common, don't tell me you don't like that pointy face and short hair.]
It was the opposite of Elicias' liking in men. Both laughed and played a bit afterwards, before sleeping the sleep of the innocent.
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