บท 14: Not Exactly...Human
Time slipped away from Harris after he left the message. He didn't know how long he spent lying there, but he didn't think it was too long before he heard a sound at the door. Joshua had taken a key too, which made Harris smile. The smile faded quickly as he heard steps up the stairs that sounded utterly exhausted. He sat up again but put his face in his hands. He didn't want to look at Joshua; he was terrified to see that broken look still on his face, to see his aura the way it had been when Harris met him.
He listened to Joshua come to a stop, leaning in the doorway. "Hey," he said, sounding as tired as his footsteps did.
"That was quick," Harris remarked, to fill the silence that followed. "I was afraid-"
"I didn't get far. I listened to your message. And it occurred to me that you might get so worried about me out there that you'd say anything to get me to come back."
Harris finally looked at Joshua. He didn't let himself take in Joshua's aura yet, just the rest of him. He was in profile, leaning against the doorway and looking at the ground. He was all hard lines and rough edges, the way he had been when they met. It hurt to see him like that. "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered it," Harris admitted.
Joshua hissed and turned as if he was leaving, back to Harris.
He stood and crossed to Joshua quickly. "But what I said was true." He settled against Joshua's back, close enough to feel his heat but not actually touch him, and braced his hands in the doorway. "It's so wrong I didn't even let myself think it. But I do…" Harris let out a long breath. "I do."
Joshua slumped back against Harris's chest, still so warm and perfect. "It's not wrong," he said fiercely, turning to press his face into the crook of Harris's neck. "Being with you has been one of the most right things in my whole life."
Harris couldn't stop the soft whining noise he made. He loosened his grip on the doorframe, letting one hand fall. He ran the backs of his knuckles across Joshua's neck and then touched his face. Joshua rubbed his cheek against Harris's hand then, like he was as hungry for Harris's touch as ever.
Joshua leaned his head back to look at Harris, and Harris's palm settled against his throat, cradling it. "When I was out there, I was thinking. I realized that you was trying to set me up with people all this time. That girl in the café. The ponce at the party."
"Hugo."
"Hugo." Harris stretched out his fingers and he could feel Joshua's wry smile beneath them. "Asking me if I saw a lot of that girl I work with."
"Yes," Harris admitted, to all of it.
"And here's me," Joshua continued, kissing Harris's fingertips with every word. "Thinking you was my boyfriend, trying to figure out if you was a jealous bastard or the least jealous person on the planet." He shook his head and Harris's hand slid to his cheek. "How would you feel, having people hit on you when the only person you actually want is right there acting like there ain't nothing odd about it? I guess I thought we was taking things so slow because you wanted to give me all the chances in the world to back out. Because you thought I would back out."
Joshua turned against him and Harris's fingers knitted themselves into Joshua's hair.
"I ain't wrong about that either, am I?" Joshua asked softly. "You still think that I oughta be with one of them."
Harris let his other hand fall from the doorframe to cradle Joshua's beloved face. "Yes," he told him. "And no. I don't know. I find it difficult to believe anyone could deserve you. That doesn't mean that we could ever-" Harris couldn't finish. "You should be with someone-"
"What if I don't want whatever kind of person you decided I should be with? I want you. I saw 'you' that day when I first looked up and thought it might be okay to want something for myself and I have never once regretted it, not even tonight. You're the one who made reservations at one of the nicest restaurants in the city and then cancelled and watched Disney movies with me and Eliza all night instead because the babysitter fell through. You're the one who always helped me cook even though you're a disaster in the kitchen. You're the one who went out for medicine at 2 am because Eliza had a fever and I was terrified. Who else was I gonna fall in love with? You think anybody else was gonna do all that for me? You think anybody else was gonna love me as well as you do? Because you do love me, Harris. I may've been able to believe that I was wrong about how you loved me, but I ain't ever gonna believe that I'm wrong about that."
"Of course I love you," Harris whispered. Joshua had to get on his tiptoes to rub his nose against Harris's, his mouth suddenly unbearably close. Harris's thumb dragged over his chin, Joshua's lips parting beautifully. "Of course I do."
"Please, Harris." Joshua got impossibly closer, his lips fluttering against Harris's skin every time he spoke. "Please."
Harris's fingertips played along Joshua's scalp. "Joshua," he whispered. "I want- I want to be with you, I do, but… There are things you don't know." It wasn't as though anyone had ever told Harris he couldn't tell Joshua the truth. Perhaps the assumption had been that it went without saying, but Harris couldn't keep this from him, not if they were about to… "There are things you have to-"
"Tell me."
"I'm not… strictly… human."
Joshua was silent for a long moment, then he turned his head, his lips grazing along Harris's jaw. Just when Harris thought Joshua might be done surprising him, he said, "Kinda knew that."
Harris stared at him. "How?"
"I never got why I wasn't beating people off with a stick to keep you to myself." Harris laughed and Joshua lightly punched his chest. "I mean it, you're fucking fit. And I didn't think men like you really existed, so that was another thing. Once or twice I could excuse, but it was all the fucking time, people seemed to just look right through you. At first I thought that maybe there was something… wrong with you, or that it was rose colored glasses or some shit, and that was why you was hanging around me 'cos for some reason I couldn't see it, but- it happened too much, yeah? And you… well… sometimes when you'd been alone for a while, or sleeping, you'd go a little…transparent. And…" Joshua lifted a hand, tracing the line of Harris's face. "I think you been getting younger since I met you. I dunno what that's about. Do you believe me?"
"Under the circumstances, I'm going to take your word for it." Most mortals, even if they could see Harris, would have either not noticed those things or subconsciously dismissed them. Just another thing that made Joshua special, then. That he had not only seen, but also accepted.
"So what are you?" Joshua tongue flicked over his lips. "Are you like a vampire or something?" It was difficult to tell if he was joking or not.
"I'm… closer to an angel. Technically."
"You my guardian angel?" That was definitely a joke. And the way Joshua's eyes looked up close when they sparkled like that… How had Harris never realized how much he felt for this boy?
"I've often wished I was. Wished I could do more for you than is technically in my purview. Although I did engineer a lot of the changes in your life, usually in a roundabout way. Perhaps you suspected that as well." Judging by the look in Joshua's eyes, he had. Probably, once he had realized Harris that was more than human it had been difficult to believe everything else could be coincidental. "It seemed necessary, to do my job. I'm... a cupid."
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