Capítulo 2: Flint - Chapter 2:

Solanum's mouth let out tortured gasps as the latest memory ran its course and plagued her mind. She couldn't bring herself to cry or scream out since Papa's death, and barely a sound had passed her lips for days.

She just felt tired. Wrung out.

Solanum didn't know if she wanted to live anymore.

"Rin." she whispered bitterly. "If I gave up like you did, would it make things okay?"

Closing her eyes, Solanum smiled dolefully. She wasn't Kakashi anymore. No. She carried his sins, his memories, his nindo, but Solanum knew she was more than that. So although she loved the people her previous self called precious, she also saw them in a different light.

(They were not the saints Kakashi saw them as. Exceptionally kind people perhaps, but they were humans all the same with their flaws, mistakes and capability for horrible, horrible decisions.)

Like kind, gentle Rin. Rin is- was lovely. She was the love of Obito's life. The medic. The healer. The mediator.

(Kind, gentle Rin in all her supposed kindness shouldn't have jumped in front of her attack. She shouldn't shouldn't have killed herself on Kakashi's hand. Solanum understood that she must have had her own reasons, but did Rin even think about how bad of an idea it was to saddle her the guilt on her – the image of her hand through Rin's chest, ripping up her heart until there was nothing left but a broken body?)

Rin was one of the few people her previous self had left, and she didn't trust Kakashi- Solanum enough to save her. She gave up just like that, thinking that she was doing something good.

Good. Something good.

Perhaps, in a way, it was good. Rin effectively put down the threat to the village and, in a way, saved the citizens of Konoha no matter how undeserving most of them were.

But it left Solanum's previous self a husk of a person as Rin used him- her as an instrument for her death.

(There were times when, as much as it made her feel repulsed, she couldn't help but wonder why? Why didn't Rin used a kunai if she wanted to die so badly? She was a kunoichi, wasn't she?)

Solanum was already defective before it happened. She could function, yes. But she was still cracked. Wrong. Broken.

And Rin had made it worse.

Not that being called "Nakamagoroshi no Kakashi" helped.

There were previous memories of hateful whispers. First was "The Son of Stain." Second was "The Dojutsu Stealer." Then–

"Friend-killer."

It was quite a miracle she hadn't quite snapped yet before.

But she supposed that was Konoha for you. Hail to the power of the so-called Will of Fire and the innate duty she couldn't quite discard.

...But Solanum didn't have that now, did she?

(Solanum asked sometimes.

What was the point of living if they were all gonna leave anyway?)

-----

Solanum stared at the wall blankly.

She hadn't eaten properly for who knew how long, but she couldn't quite bring herself to snap out of her slump.

Solanum vaguely remembered getting dressed by a pleading Katniss and attending a ceremony that was supposed to honor her father's death, along with the other families of the coal-miners who were also killed in the accident; but hours passed by and bled into one another with no defining change in pattern until she didn't know what was happening anymore.

She could feel herself slowly deteriorating. Dying, if one wanted to be blunt. But for the life of her, she couldn't bring herself to move.

She couldn't find the strength. The reason to do so.

Solanum was exhausted and she didn't really want to hurt anymore.

So she cloaked herself in impassivity and waited for death.

-----

"Sol. You have to eat. Please." A voice said worriedly as weary blue eyes bore down on her.

When Solanum didn't reply, Prim touched her shoulder and repeated. "Please."

Solanum's own lifeless gray eyes looked at her younger sister's thin outstretched hand, offering her bread. It was trembling. Pale. Sickly.

In the bubble of apathy she had submerged herself into, Solanum suddenly felt a bolt of discomfort and a niggling, persistent voice in her head spoke up as she tried to focus on her surroundings.

Her eyes sharpened for the first time in weeks and, finally, saw more than her own hurt and suffering.

(What had she done?)

Before she could stop herself, Solanum let out a keening whine when she saw her younger sister, Prim, pale, pleading and alone with Katniss nowhere to be seen, and her Mama-

Oh. Her Mama.

She was hurting.

"I'm sorry." she said, her voice hoarse from the lack of use. "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough."

Prim looked at her in bafflement but comforted her all the same, patting her back awkwardly. "It's okay, Sol."

Solanum wanted to say it wasn't okay. It wasn't because she's the older one. Solanum was supposed to know better. To do better.

But she didn't. She caught the quick but unmistakable look of discomfort from her sister's face and Solanum understood.

Getting the food with a grateful nod to Prim, she chewed quietly as tears of regret fell down her face.

-----

Solanum could only look on sadly as Katniss shook their catatonic mother in frustration.

After recovering from her own bout of depression, they fell into a routine. Katniss was surprised when she saw Solanum helping Prim clean up the house after she got back with their food for the week, but her older sister got over it quickly enough. Worry mostly took over Katniss' face and, although she was careful not to show it to Prim, Solanum could see it as clear as day.

In the short time Solanum let herself get drowned by her grief, her eleven-year-old sister took the reins as the head of the house and tried to be both be the mother and father they'd lost for Prim. Katniss did her best to take care of her too, but she was too unresponsive. Too listless for Katniss to do anything to help.

It was difficult for all of them when Solanum got back to her previous self again. Prim and Katniss had always been much closer to each other, and it took days before they could find an acceptable dynamic, but eventually they did.

Katniss led. Prim got taken care of. Solanum followed, tried to help as much as she could and strove to not to be an encumbrance.

Solanum was not stupid. She knew that as much as her recovery was a relief, it was also a burden. Her having not eaten much helped in budgeting the meager compensation given by the district for Papa's death, and now? Although she tried to limit her intake for her sisters to eat more, it wasn't enough.

It made Solanum's chest twinge when she caught the burdened, too-adult look that more often than not appeared on her older sister's face. It was obvious that Katniss was terrified at what might happen to them, and she did try her hardest, but with their stomach were grumbling just a bit more, the community home seemed to not be too far off.

(The community home was a horrid place filled with kids beaten down by hopelessness and abuse, but they had food. If things got worse, if Solanum needed to drag her sisters kicking and screaming to sign them up herself no matter how much they would despise her, she would do so. She wouldn't let them die. Not if she could help it.)

But Katniss didn't want that. Her older sister cared for Prim deeply and didn't want her to experience that kind of hardship.

So everyday before they left for school, after Prim would plait and brush their mother's hair, all of them would plead and try to make her Mama care. To get a job because they were slowly dying of starvation. Saying reasons. Groveling. Asking desperately to please not abandon them.

It didn't work.

So even though Solanum understood the pain her mother was going through, she couldn't fault Katniss for her actions. She knew that privately Katniss was hoping that they would hold out until her first reaping so she could sign up for her tesserae, but Solanum was logical enough to see that from the way they were going, they wouldn't last that long. The money had run out just the other day and they were all slowly starving to death.

For three days, they had nothing on their stomach but boiled water flavored by stale tea leaves in the back of the cupboard. They stopped getting scraps from their neighbors because they had none to spare, and Solanum was sorely tempted to just contact any officials so her sisters could eat – their freedom be damned.

The only reason why she didn't was because it was raining and Katniss had gotten out a promise from her.

Her older sister was observant. Katniss most likely noticed the attention Solanum paid towards the home kids, the name for the children in the community home, and had asked her to take care of Prim until she got back.

(Solanum tried, but Prim's hollowed cheeks and Mama's dead eyes made her sick to her stomach and she was never very good at giving care or affection. She was trained too much before for death to do that.)

(Besides, they're all preoccupied with their own thoughts and well, comfort could only go on for so long in face of starvation.)

Looking at their window overlooking the fence and the forest, Solanum closed her eyes and sighed as the trees rustled - as if mocking her about what she couldn't have and the irrational, irrational fear she had for a home that once was hers, even if it could be a solution.

The forests -

The forests scared her.

(After a while, after her father didn't come back, Solanum broke as history - her history seemed to repeat itself once again.)

(What if she messed up? What if the forest fucked her up even more? She was walking a fine line between sanity and insanity, and Sol didn't know if she could withstand another loss. She didn't know if she could take knowing- finally knowing if the dreams she revolved her whole life and beliefs on were nothing more than hallucinations of a child born wrong.)

It was stupid and selfish and she couldn't stop feeling fucking terrified even if she wanted to.

And it didn't even matter really, since she wasn't familiar with the place.

(Always forgotten. Her mind traitorously whispered as visions of her father ruffling Katniss hair as they went into the forest into one of their escapades flashed by. She could remember looking on in yearning and well-)

(Her father always did favor Katniss more.)

Opening her eyes at the sound of the door hitting the wall with a bang, Solanum easily ignored the bitter pang in her chest at the sight of her older sister, before her eyes caught on the bread cradled in Katniss' arms.

"Solanum" Katniss murmured breathlessly. "Fetch Mama, would you? I'll get Prim."

When they each got their own share and the table was set, Solanum tried to sneak more of her part to Mama. She decided to take on the task of feeding their mother after she saw Katniss doing it once in barely concealed contempt. Solanum caught an indecipherable look from Katniss for the action, but she shrugged it off.

(She was used to it anyway.)

...

It was an experience feeling somewhat full for a change. The bread was a bit dirty. A bit burnt, but edible.

Edible.

(Solanum was happy enough that it was, and that's- that's the saddest thing, wasn't it? That a piece of dirty bread was good enough, because the shit that they've eaten - or not eaten - for the past few days couldn't satisfy even a stomach used to poverty and starvation.)

It was honestly the best thing she had ever had.

(For all that Kakashi had a hard life, he never got to starve. He was a prized soldier after all, and his body was his tool of trade. There were times that he missed a meal or two, or settled for a food bar or pill to keep up his strength during high-profile ANBU missions; but, it was- it was never like this.)

(As her resolve strengthened, Solanum couldn't quite hide the tremble in her hands and wondered if there would be anything left of her once tattered sanity once it was done.)

(...She doubted it, but her sisters - her family were worth it.)

(And that- that undeniable truth made all the difference, didn't it?)

...

When all was finished and Prim was tucked into bed with their mother, Solanum approached Katniss warily.

"Katniss," She started hesitantly as she avoided the eyes with color like her own. "Papa and you used to go to the forest to gather and hunt food before, right?"

Her sister looked at her in surprise "Yes. Yes, we did."

After a moment, Katniss nodded slowly. "That's actually a good idea. I think Mama has copy of the book from before, and I remember that Papa also added what he knew about those plants that can be eaten or not. I know it's here, somewhere." Katniss walked distractedly to one of their cabinets before faltering and turning back. "Thanks Sol."

"You're not going alone." Solanum declared firmly even as her mouth dried and her stomach clenched in dread. "I'm coming with you."