Capítulo 11: WHERE IS GOD IN ALL THESE
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
It won't be a dead end.
Isaiah 43:2(msg).
Where was God? I feel like asking this we must first establish that Nkoli and God were at least familiar strangers. She was told there was a prophecy on her head from birth; apparently God was going to use her to do great and mighty things. At age 5 the same prophecies came again after Nkoli led her family in a God mandated prayer. She loved God and he loved her or so it seemed until life unleashed all the bad things it did and God? Well he just stood still. In his presence the enemy came for her legs, eyes and even her mind.
Refusing to let her go no matter how hard she tried, always sending little notes with reminders when all she wanted was to die continuously putting air in her lungs even when she no longer knew how to breathe after God had turned a deaf ear to another one of her pleas . she honestly didn't know when she stopped believing God for anything good all she knew was that she just stopped he had broken her heart one too many times shattering her dreams with such ease he was the sole reason for her every defeat it wouldn't happen if he didn't allow it.
Ask and it shall be given?
Let's see what God did with her list,
Lord please heal my eyes, umm no, he didn't, she was six when she prayed this,
Lord please heal my legs, umm no he didn't she was thirteen when she prayed this, and the list goes on and on with varying requests from health to academics to relationships you name it she got so many no's it was just easier to bury her dream desires and requests believing God had stopped listen.
I know the thoughts I have towards you, thoughts of good and not of evil to give you a hope and a future (jeremiah 29:11).
By year2 second semester Nkoli began to wonder if God actually cared about her future when she had a carryover in a course due to administrative error.
God has a plan right?
Year3 first semester, 1 carryover, at this point she had just about had it with God , upset and suicidal she ended up being reconciled back to and pursuing a deeper relationship with God , she chose to believe again that God was still in control.
Year3 second semester, faith filled and hopeful Nkoli checks her result, 2 carryovers , hello!! God? can you hear me.
Like what the hell, you need to say something or else and just like that she wrote a pen but not before cutting herself, she desperately needed to feel something. Lord speak or else. That evening heartbroken and upset she dragged herself to a prayer vigil and her prodigal father was finally back from leave and he had a message for her.
I'm still with you and you'll be surprised what I'll do with you.
Ok? Whatever you say to God. The carryovers didn't go away surprisingly more came but every time she wanted to give up a word came as if to say nah nah baby girl I still got you.
Even though God was determined not to quit on her by year 4 second semester Nkoli seemed just about done with her damn self.
It seemed failing was the only thing she knew to do at this point God had started giving her spiritual insight and depth saving her from sickness and death Nkoli even stopped all hospital treatments glasses included over a year ago she was learning to walk in divine health yet with all the apparent physical and spiritual development Nkoli was still very much disappointed and frustrated with herself she was and is still terrified of disappointing God
Be not conformed to the world but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind
Yea well she wasn't sure how that was working out because though spirit filed, tongue speaking, demon chasing, she still enjoyed cutting herself and fantasied about killing herself plus do suicidal Christians go to hell? I mean she had heard of pastors who killed themselves and where believed to be in heaven because apparently they were deceived and stolen by the devil.
For the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy (john 10:10)
So if she committed suicide, would God be upset and send her to hell?
Would the devil get credit for her hard work?
Confused suicidal how did we get here.
Year5 first semester beginning of her final year Nkoli was anxious not knowing what next.
Was she going to graduate with her set?
Would she have an extra year?
Would Papa be disappointed when he heard?
Forget Papa, would she be able to live with herself if it came to that.
Could she handle the demands of destiny?
Was God disappointed that the thoughts of an extra year had been constantly crossing her mind.
Was it a sign of faithlessness?
Would it matter if she left the earth?
These were some of the voices in her head as she laid on her bed, having had enough she once again was contemplating suicide, who could she tell, a truth she herself didn't want to accept. On the bright side she could probably accomplish more in death oh well whatever, and so she prances to her closet picking up her last ever outfit on earth a white pant trouser, black bralette, and red lips all done she decided not to die in her bed grabbing her white kimono off she went a taxify ride and a little bit of walking later she was here.
Her legs wobbled as she made her way closer to the edge of the cliff . she took in deep breaths of air, hands trembling by her side as she slowly stepped closer and closer to the edge of the cliff . Her heart hammered against her chest like the sound of a thousand talking drums as she stared down at the rocky waters below her. If she jumped off the cliff right then she would immediately die from the impact.
But wasn't that what she wanted, to die quickly and painlessly.
She just wanted her life to end. She wanted to get away from this hellhole called earth, to be free from the voices in her head and the image in her mirror. Yet she was a bit scared on the one hand her depression tells her to die but her anxiety is afraid to die? Pathetic, she scoffed at herself.
She moved her foot one step closer, feeling herself stop breathing. If she moved one step closer, she would be tumbling down that cliff.
Do it, Nkoli, it's what you've been wanting for years now.
If those pastors went to heaven, what are you still doing here?
She moved her left foot forward letting it dangle in thin air .A tear escaped her eyes, sliding slowly down her check . Suddenly, she felt herself fly towards the side as she prepared herself for the impact, squeezing her eyes together tightly.
Capítulo 12: EPILOGUE
When you're alive , they hear
When you're gone, they listen…..unknown
The truth is this things happen but no one really wants to talk about it, attempted suicide is good for a social media campaign on world suicide prevention day, depression is cute as a war barge when you've ove5rcoming and feel like starting yet another mental health NGO in this 21st century of social media therapy and trending theology I honestly wonder if this new wave of mental health glamorisation has done more harm than good for those who actually have to live with a mental illness for those who have to constantly remind the voices in their head that its ok to have God and a therapist. When everyone is ready with their own version of the, aspire, to inspire, to perspire before you retire speech making it seem like recovery is a sprint. Now more than ever in Nigeria and the world we are seeing an increase in the number of mental health organisations and hotlines asking people to speak up and reach out for help
#speak up
# you matter
# speak your mind
#never think of suicide
#suicide is not the answer
On almost every post, yet we've had an alarming increase in the rate of suicide and attempted suicide.
Truth is you only reach out for help if you believe there's help available to you and you can be helped.
Once you fire that first shot, no matter how right you feel, you have no idea who else is going to die
Have you ever been jealous of a person who committed suicide, while you just sat there contemplating it? I know I have. I always thought maybe they wanted it more than I did, to me they were heroes who rescued themselves by hushing the voices in their head .
Has depression ever had you feeling like Gods after thought, like Jesus is a fraud?
To me some days I believe Jesus was also depressed and possibly suicidal, I know , I know that's no way to speak about God but depression actually sounds a whole lot like Jesus on the cross , its being betrayed by friends , questioned by family, ridiculed and beaten by enemies, its showing up last to Lazarus grave, its seeing his sisters mourn it is being so s aware of how cruel life actually is that you sweat blood , it is being left to die on a cross though equal to God. A man quite fond of sorrows learnt his obedience through sufferings
Becoming a curse like depression on a cross for us. Most times telling a depressed person just to be happy is a mocking dismissal. one thing I know is that depression like law has no universal all-encompassing definition and I do not believe it has a stereotypical definition, so I get upset when I hear statements like suicidal people don't really want to die, their suicide attempt is but a cry for help, bitch please until you've lived inside my head do not generalise my struggles based on personal experience
This is in no way an attempt to take away from all the progress that has been made in the mental health space however we all need to realise one thing depression and suicide are more complicated than this glamorisation regime while raising awareness is suicide prevention, we should also remember that things such as job security, food security, a functional health care system, holding space without judgement and kindness are also suicide prevention
To the suicidal person reading this I'm not about to tell you something cliché like tomorrow needs you or suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem no matter how true it may be
I will only ask you to think about it
Why commit suicide
Are you really doing it for you or for someone else, maybe you believe that they'll be better without you here
Don't jump to your death just to prove something to anyone or fix a persons or the world's problem
In this moment even if it's possibly your last on earth I need you to be totally selfish forgetting what anybody could have done or said to you or about you it really doesn't matter take a moment and think about yourself
Do you really want to be dead?
Ignore the voices in your head
Is your greatest desire in this moment to be dead?
Whatever your answer is I need you to do it for yourself and no one else
As for the suicidal Christian don't let anyone intimidate you with theology living you even more depressed. Jesus was equal part God and man and even Elijah, one of the greatest prophets, was depressed .
Living or dying should be done for yourself, doing either with no regret.
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