Capítulo 154: 56
Chapter 56 – The Jaunely Bones
"Isn't it about time you gave up on getting me a new body?"
The words shocked her, but not more than the look on his face as he took his spectral form once more, floating a few feet away from her. Jaune was many things, but serious and apathetic would not have been two words Blake would have used to describe him. Now, however, he floated there with an expression that could only be called blank.
"What?"
"You're so focused on this impossible dream that you've stopped paying attention to the world around you. I didn't even realise until what Yang just said, how you don't spend time with your team anymore. How you do things alone."
"But I don't do things alone," Blake protested, as she had when Yang brought it up. Except that the difference this time was that she could tell the full story. "When I'm not with them I'm with-"
"Me." He finished for her. "That's my point, Blake. It's always you and I, the two of us, with no involvement from your team whatsoever. Keep in mind that to them I don't even exist. It looks like you're ignoring your friends entirely."
"But I'm not. I'll include them more. I realise now that I made a mistake. I don't need you to tell me that." Yang's words hat hit home more than hard enough. "But I don't see what that has to do with getting you a body. Don't you want one?"
"Of course I want one." His expression became longing, eyes looking up towards the sky. "But I'm dead, Blake. I had a body and I didn't look after it, now it's gone. What is Penny's father going to make me, a robot? What's the point? I won't be able to feel anything. It will just be a bigger teddy bear except made of metal."
"Then we'll find another solution. We'll talk to them an-"
"And what?" he snapped. "Try again and again, for the rest of your life? How much time do you want to dedicate to this? A year, two, ten – your life?"
She didn't know what to say.
"I lost my life, Blake." He laughed, though there was no humour in it. She realised now why he'd left her arm to speak. It was to prevent her being able to read his emotions. "I think it's a bit much for you to lose yours trying to fix that. Don't you think?"
"This won't kill me," Blake argued. "I'm stronger than that, and I can do it at the same time as work."
"There's more than one way to lose your life Blake. You can die, like me. Or you can waste it, like you're doing." He looked back to where Yang had come from. "Again, I didn't even notice at first, but Yang made it clear to me. You've been so focused on helping me… and I've been so eager to accept it, that you've stopped living your own life. When was the last time you had a day out with your team – one that didn't turn into me and you spying on another team? When was the last time the four of you just sat down and talked?"
She… she couldn't remember. There had been the carnival, but like Jaune said she'd soon split off from the group to talk with Jaune and then hunt after Mercury and Emerald. Had her team watched sadly as she walked away, abandoning them once more? But it wasn't that easy. Sure, her team might think she had no good reason, but she did. Jaune was a friend… her best friend.
And he needed her help.
"They would understand if I told them. If I explained the truth, then they'd be only too happy to help. Everything would be forgiven too. I'm not just helping you because I have to, Jaune. I'm helping you because I want to. Because you need the help."
"You can't tell them the truth." Jaune gasped, eyes wide with panic and one arm outstretched. He did this whenever she brought it up, but lately it had become worse.
"What are you so afraid of? I know the chances of them believing us are slim, but with Penny and the Doctor on our side I'm sure we could prove it now. They'd keep it a secret too, you know they would."
"It's not that." Jaune said. "I'm sure they wouldn't tell anyone, but that's not the reason you can't tell them."
"Then what is?" Blake asked.
"Ruby."
"Ruby…?" Blake looked at him from the corner of one eye. He didn't act any differently around Ruby than he did any of her other teammates, not enough for her to have noticed anything wrong. "Why Ruby?"
"Do you remember what she was like when I died? She was crushed… that's why I didn't want you to mention anything to Yang about making Ruby happy. You can't give her false hope like that. Not when there's no guarantee anything will come from it."
"Nothing will ever come from it if you give up," Blake slammed a fist against the changing room wall, but all it did was make her hand sting. "When did you become so much of a coward that you wouldn't even try!?"
"I tried once," Jaune said. "Back when I was a teenager I decided to try and become a Hunter, even though I had neither aura nor training."
Blake cut off with a snarl, knowing exactly what he was referring to.
"And it's not just my death which bothers me there, either. Ruby lost a friend, Ozpin lost a student… my mother and father lost a son – my sisters lost a brother. So many people's lives were ruined because of how stupid I was. Because of how I refused to listen to reason and decided that I knew best."
Blake's nails bit into the palms of her hands.
"I don't want the same to happen to you, Blake. Don't let my mistake ruin another life. Even if you're willing to give it, think of how it would ruin Yang's life when her partner drifts away. How it would hurt all of Team RWBY."
One deep breath, two deep breaths… the rotation continued, for longer than she could keep track of. The only sounds, the roar of a distant crowd and her own laboured breaths. He was right… she knew that… and yet he was so wrong as well. So wrong that it made her angry. So wrong that she wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake and shake until he shut up!
But she couldn't do any of that, could she? Because he didn't have shoulders to shake.
"So you want me to give up?" Her voice was a whisper, weak and light, like the morning wind. Jaune didn't look sad. He looked resigned.
"I want you to live your life a little. This isn't what I wanted for myself, but it's not bad, all things considered. I enjoy being a part of your life. But lately it feels like you haven't had one."
"So you'd be content, just… vicariously living through me?"
Never able to touch anything, never able to influence anything, to feel or to speak, to interact or even decide what it was you did on a day by day basis?
"I would."
That was too cruel.
That wasn't fair.
It didn't make sense.
"But what about your desires!?" Blake threw her arms wide. "What about what you want. What about what you dream of? Don't those count for anything?"
"What about yours!?" Jaune shouted, driving her to silence. "Whatever happened to faunus equality, Blake? Whatever happened to becoming a huntress or making a difference? Since when did I become more important than an entire race?"
When-? No, but… she still cared about that, didn't she? It was in the back of her mind, the overarching goal she had. Except that she hadn't done a single thing towards it in so long. No, she hadn't even thought about it for so long.
She had given it up, though she hadn't realised at the time. All in favour of finding Jaune a body.
Did she consider him as being more important than the faunus race? Or was he just important to her – as a friend?
"That's still all important to me. I've not given up on that, but if I can't even make a difference here, how can I be expected to change all of that?"
"If you cannot defy life and death, you mean? Don't be silly. People die all the time. You don't see grieving friends rushing around trying to resurrect them. Other people move on... it feels like you never have, Blake." He looked at her sympathetically. "It feels like you of all people have been the only one unable to really let me go."
"What about your feelings, though?" Blake asked, feeling a thrill of panic rush through her at the thought of those. "What about how… about how…"
She couldn't say it.
"About the fact I'm in love with you?"
He could say it, apparently. The words hit her hard, even though she'd known them all along. Somehow the meaning behind them was heavier with him being the one to say it. As though before she could have pretended it was a mistake, that she had been imaging things.
"Yeah…" Blake said weakly. "That…"
"What about it?" Jaune crossed his arms, tilting his head to the side.
"What…?"
"What about them?" he repeated. "Sun loves you, but you don't return those feelings. Nor does he let them decide whether he lives or dies in the morning. What difference does it make if I feel the same?"
"You… knew?" Blake shook her head, "You knew that I knew how you felt?"
"Only when you started to panic earlier. I figured it out soon enough."
"And if I hadn't," Blake asked. "Were you ever going to bring them up?"
"Probably not."
Blake staggered back, feeling the wall push against as she slumped on it. Her legs felt weak, as did her mind and heart. She didn't love him, at least she was sure she didn't – but the defeated way in which he admitted he would have never told her still hurt. Didn't he trust her? Should he?
"Why not?"
Jaune sighed.
"Because they don't matter, Blake. It's the same thing all over again. You're alive, I'm dead. Maybe if I was still alive, if I still had a body, I could ask you out and see where that took things. But right now I can't do any of that. It's just another thing I don't have the ability to do. So yeah… I wasn't ever going to tell you." He smiled apologetically. "Why make things awkward between us?"
Her scroll buzzed angrily. A message from Yang, telling her to hurry up. The fights began soon and they needed to be there for the opening ceremony, so that the people in the crowd could see them and hear the speeches that marked the beginning of the tournament.
She didn't have the time…
"And none of this bothers you? You just want me to live my life, focus on the things around me and give up on your body? You won't even be upset at that?"
"Nope," Jaune smiled. "You need to live your life like I don't exist. I'll still be here, of course. But you can't change your life to live for me."
You're a filthy liar.
She could see the pain in his eyes, the tightness to his smile – the way his ghostly form shook. Live her life like he didn't exist? How could she do that?. Her hands were clenched into fists, her teeth grinding together. But was he right about everything?
Nothing could come of any love between them… she knew that. It wasn't a problem, she didn't feel that way, but pretending she did. Would it be giving him false hope – in the same way her telling Ruby about Jaune would?
Blake didn't know. She didn't know anything.
"I'm not willing to give up."
"Then you condemn us both." His words hurt… as they were no doubt designed to. Blake was no fool. She knew he was trying to beat down her resistance. The question was… was he right to do so? "Focus on the tournament. Let's beat Mercury and see what's up with that team. Then let's win this, together, for Team RWBY. I'm not asking you to forget me Blake, nor to let go of me. You're stuck with me whatever you do."
He smiled at her, trying to lessen the blow, but it did nothing for her wild thoughts. He wasn't going to leave her, heh – he couldn't. Even if he could, she wouldn't have let him. She needed him still. She needed him to get the truth out of Mercury, she needed him to watch her back. She needed him…
She just needed him.
"I'll… I'll focus on the fight," she whispered.
"Atta girl. Live for you. Not for me."
I don't know what to do Jaune. I don't know what to do… He wouldn't help her either, because he was too busy trying to help her in a different way. She needed to talk to someone. She needed help, advice…
Because if Jaune said anything like that again, she wasn't sure what she would do.
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