Capítulo 361: My SI Stash #61 - It's a big, fat, fucking joke by West-Door-88 (YoungJustice)
-"Funniest shit I've ever seen" the fic/
Synopsis: Philosophers in the past and present have talked about free-will. Personally I believe that we have free-will, but when you wake up in a world where you know that your will is not yours, when you know that somebody is choosing every move and every thought you make, you are bound to get a little bit crazy. That's why I turned this miserable place into a sick comedy. (SI-OC)
Rated: M
Words: 12K
Posted on: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13613302/1/It-s-a-big-fat-fucking-joke (West-Door-88)
PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)
-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics/originals mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)
Chapter 1
My name… is Gary Sage.
…
At least my name isn't 'Dildoface'
That was the first shred of thought that went through my head as I ate a hamburger with my foster father on the other side, who wolfed down on his burger. I was at the age of six at that time and I knew something was up with my father Vic Sage.
He wasn't bad or anything. He didn't beat me and roared at me to get another bottle of alcohol; he didn't neglect me as if I were some excess luggage. He took genuine care in raising me up, and he had an honest job as a journalist. But if there was something that was off about Vic Sage, it would be the way he sometimes looked at me, which was filled with sadness and guiltiness. Not to mention his nightly activities where he would go out after checking that I was asleep.
Too bad he didn't know I had a few surveillance cameras placed in my own room.
Why do I have surveillance cameras in my own room? Well… my development of paranoia helped.
Paranoia was something that first came to me when I realized that there was an indestructible man flying around with a red cape and shooting lasers out of his eyes; a vigilante in a bat-themed costume with some highly advanced tech; a beautiful woman wearing something a stripper would wear and fighting head on with monsters that looked undefeatable. I instantly knew I would get fucked over by this world if I didn't keep my guard up. Fucking DC… fucking heroes and villains…
What earth am I even in? How many earths are there in the first place? Fucking hell, I should've read more comics when I had the chance. Yeah, yeah, I'm a reincarnation, yada yada yada, fuck off now will you?
I'm fifteen now, and I know for sure that my parents in this world had some weird ass genes in them that passed on to me because Jesus almighty I was ripped and I enjoyed exercises.
Can you believe that? I was a social butterfly nerd back in my original birthplace and I hated doing anything that has to do with stepping out of my blanket. Now? I do a 30 minute yoga routine the minute I wake up and perform about a thousand stomach crunches.
But I wasn't complaining. Exercising was good for your body, and having a fit body was important for survival.
…
At least we aren't in Gotham city. I doubt I could keep my sanity.
Anyways… where was dad?
I had no idea he would drive a taxi late at night and boy it is fucking hard to run and jump from roof to roof to keep up with him.
By the time the cab came to a stop, I was caked in sweat, dust, and feathers from the fucking pidgeons that flew right through me when I jumped from one roof to the next.
It was a miracle I was still alive.
…
Okay, dad's out of the ca— WHERE THE FUCK DID HIS FACE GO?!
My jaws dropped in pure surprise as I nearly dropped my binocular.
Instead of the strawberry-blond hair I used to see everyday, Vic Sage now had blue hair, a blue overcoat, and a fedora.
…
BUT WHERE IS HIS FACE?!
His eyes, his lips, his nose…! Everything seemed to melt down and become stuck with his face…! Jesus H. Christ! This was fucking horrifying! Was this the Matrix? Is there a fucking around here somewhere? That would explain the existence of DC heroes and villains lurking around this shithole…
…
Is that even dad?
Well… physical structure-wise, I would have to begrudgingly say 'yes'. That is dad.
…
…
…
The hell is he going?
The hell is this place?!
Chinese mobsters?! This is the exact place I don't want to be in!
…
But I was mesmerized by my dad's fighting skills, I mean… I know my dad was ripped when we both worked out in the gym or in the park, but man that punch could break every single tooth in a human's jaw.
Can I do that?
Eh, better not.
…
Yeah, I'm definitely not going to do that.
…
Is he… dead…? Yeah, obviously. You don't get back up after that cracking sound comes from your neck.
…
You know what…? This is getting awfully enjoyable to watch. If I only had some popcorn and sprite���
…
When did that sniper guy appear? And how in the fucking hell didn't he saw me? Me, who is currently only a few meters away from him?! Oh no…! Oh hell no! Although this might not be quite realistically real 'real', I don't want some Chinese asshole(this is not being racist. This is a factual statement of me describing an asshole who is apparently Chinese) killing off somebody that has taken care for me and loved me!
Sooooo… that was my first kill and the way the gangster died was… pretty pathetic.
I had no idea a shard of glass would be so effective up against a man's ass that he would squeal a soprano and jump downwards, headfirst.
…
To be fair, it went up 3 inches.
So down he went onto the hard concrete floor as his head cracked open like an egg and the first reaction I showed was to wince and put my right hand to my mouth, as if a dainty lady would do when she gossips with her friends. But… I had to stifle my laughter from coming out.
The position of the dead body was quite hilarious when I took a second look. His face was caved into the ground and his butt was sticking up in the air with the self-improvised glass dildo. And… seeing it from so far up from where I was spying on my dad, I easily ignored the blood and the gore on the floor, but rather focused my attention to the funny pose of the dead gangster.
So I laughed, without noticing that my dad had already rounded up the Chinese gangsters 3 minutes ago and was staring with an extremely good poker face in my direction.
"So… is this how you publish your kickass stories in your newspapers?"
"..."
"Are you ever going to talk?"
"..."
"Look… I know you're dad okay?"
"... no I'm not"
"Dad, that's the lamest denial I've ever heard. I literally followed you all the way up to here"
"..."
"Oh come on! Isn't this the time you get your facial features back, get rid of your dye and costume, then have a serious conversation with your son about killing Chinese gangsters?"
"Oh fine then!" Cried my dad as he sprayed some kind of weird chemicals all over his face.
"What are you… ohhhhhhh" I exclaimed in pure surprise. "It was a mask…"
It was a mask indeed as it peeled off from my dad. Surprisingly, the weird gaseous chemicals also turned his hair and clothing back to normal.
"Gary, we need to talk"
"No shit , is that what you've been doing this whole entire time?!"
"Don't talk to me like that!"
"... okay, I do apologize for saying the s-word"
"Isn't there anything else you should be apologizing for?"
"Uhhh… disregarding the value of my life?"
My dad actually blinked before talking again.
"Well… yeah, that"
We sat together in silence as the cab played on the crappy disco music.
"Oh, I'm also concerned by your lack of respect for life. You've been showing that tendency for some time"
That is… true. I saw this world as fiction and everybody in it didn't feel quite real to me. Although I knew that this world was real to me and having people in capes was a reality, the fact that this was a comic book plot always pulled me back into a state of uncaringness for many things.
"Come on dad!" I whined. "The dude was going to blow your head off with a sniper, and as far as I know, your only ability is to use some martial arts and make yourself look creepy as fuck. You can't avoid a sniper bullet dad, you could've died! Of course I feel no guilt for saving your life!"
"Also, I'm quite shocked that you laughed after killing somebody"
"... okay, I will admit that was kinda psychopathic of me, but you should've seen what I've seen! The dude died hilariously! His butt was… his butt was… haha… Pehahahahahahahahaha…! Ha… ha… … sorry"
Dad groaned as he slammed his forehead down on his handle.
"Fuck… it feels wrong to even scold you for what you did… Since I've had my share of killing…"
"Do you feel anything yourself?"
"... some stress relief I guess… no guilt since I was doing the right thing…"
"... speaking of guilt, when are you going to tell me how you adopted me?"
"Later Gary. Later"
"..."
"..."
"... can you teach me how to fight?"
"Wh— fine, I guess"
"Really? Just like that?"
"I want to shield you away from the world I live in Gary… I really want to, but after seeing you up there, laughing your head off after killing somebody? … I don't know what to think anymore. I love you and all, but… do I need to get a therapist?"
"Absolutely not!" I cut in. "They only make shit worse!"
"Of course they do" Murmured my dad as he banged his head one more time on the steering wheel, ignoring the fact that I cussed. "And I don't think your tendency to devalue life would drop… The least I can do to you is to make sure you don't make a habit out of killing or having fun while doing it…"
"Soooo… you've given up on my lack of empathy…? Sorta?"
"Well…" Dad scratched his cheek in embarrassment. "Yeah… I mean, you're not that unsympathetic. Heck, you're a social butterfly in your school unlike me. Also, I don't really value the lives of those who turned to the side of evil and that's why I don't have any guilt from taking their lives… I do what I must, to protect the innocent"
I listened with interest as I took off my shoes and sat cross legged. Similar to his, my philosophy with dealing with criminals was the same, but…
…
…
…
Knowing the truth that this isn't a 'real' world helps me to hurt others without remorse.
"So, why does that have to do with training me how to fight?"
"Somebody else saw you when you killed that sharpshooter"
"... really?"
"You were laughing really loudly"
"Well… at least they don't have a picture of me… right…?"
"They already have I'm afraid"
"Fuck"
"Don't worry, it was dark so I they haven't got your face… but I have to make sure you can protect yourself. Good thing you already have a strong and a flexible body, it wouldn't take long to train you how to fight"
"... I would prefer a double barrel shotgun?"
"... yeah, firearms could work too"
"You weren't joking when you said you would prefer a double barrell shotgun" Grumbled my dad as I pumped my shotgun as two empty pellets dropped to the floor. Man, I felt like James Bond.
As for hand to hand combat, I learned the basics from dad. Always look at the person's eyes and chest. That's where the intentions and movement start from.
Next, using the environment to my advantage.
I've been learning that for the last few weeks until I picked up using a revolver. Nearly blew away my dad's fingers when I didn't know they were already loaded. We changed the cartridges to rubber since they'll still hurt like a bitch.
As for the shotgun… I have no idea what I should change it's cartridges to…
"Have any idea what I should change them into?"
"Rubber?"
"Dad, we already used that for my revolver. Can we get a bit more creative?"
"The reasoning is quite illogical, but I'll accept if you come up with a better option"
"Tear gas?"
My dad blinked by my suggestion and then sent me a genuine grin.
"That'll work for sure"
"Get that thing away from me!"
"It's not dangerous or anything! It's just a chemical concoction that would make sure the mask stays on! Gary, GARY! Come back here!"
"How do you know that chemical isn't some kind of long-term poison that would slowly kill you and give you cancer!"
"... I-I'm not 100% sure…"
"Dad, you're probably one of the most paranoid guys in Hub city, how can you NOT consider such a fact?"
"It is only poisonous to lethal wounds… but… that information only came from the notebook of the experiment… But I do trust Tot…"
"Thot?"
"Tot! Not 'thot'! He's my mentor!"
"... who fucks with you? Haha, dad I'm just joking, no wait, don't point that at me! It was just a joke! That's loaded with a real bulle—"
BANG
I screamed as I was flung across the room as the steel bullet was stuck on my bulletproof vest. Then, I started to curse like a sailor as my dad laughed.
"How does it feel like to get hit with a bullet?"
"Fucking… HURTS!"
"No shit son"
"Coming to think of it, I never got your name"
My dad paused before speaking.
"You know my name, Vic Sage"
"... holy shit dad, is that not even your real name?"
"It's a long story okay?!" Yelled my dad as we drove through the streets.
It has been a full month since I've killed, and when my dad and I noticed that the Chinese mobsters started to get quiet we decided to investigate what they knew and hopefully, get rid of the photo of me laughing. But, we both knew the probability that we could take back that photo is close to a freaking zero.
We debated on whether I should stay in the panic room while he went to investigate, or if I should tag along with him. Dad and I agreed on the fact that it would be safer if I stayed by his side.
Then came the problem of not knowing what the people called my dad. I couldn't just call him dad now can I?
Unfortunately, I have only seen a few of his appearances in the newspapers and I was too busy learning how to fight to do a proper research.
"They call me the Question"
"So… I'll call you Q?"
"That'll work, what do you want me to call you?"
I blinked, then threw my head backwards and gave a good roaring laugh. Dad wasn't fazed, since I've been doing that every now and then when I learned Superman existed. I laughed my head off when I heard that the Joker was arrested. I laughed my heart out when I saw masked freaks in the streets. I laughed and laughed and laughed in front of the television screen. When my dad asked me what the punchline was, I simply told him what Charlie Chaplin told the world.
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in a long-shot"
My dad understood me instantly after I said those words.
Now I was laughing because I was becoming what I dreaded of becoming: a part of this world's secret society, having my own story, and becoming an entertainment for those who would most certainly read my expeditions.
I have already decided what I would be called. Me, an entertainment. Well fine then. I played the part of a fool many times in my original world, what's one more performance going to do?
"Call me the Comedian" I replied as I flicked a yellow smiley face into the air.
"How fitting" Murmured the Question as yellow gas began to fill our car.
Just because Question wears skin, does not mean that his son would do the same. It was creepy and I disliked it. It didn't fit me. It fit the Question a lot more.
So, with a bulletproof vest, night-vision goggles, and several armor I walked side to side with my dad with a simple smile on our faces(although Question's face was unseeable) humming crappy music from some bad pop artist.
Before we decided on intruding, we did some homework on the place we were going to invade. Apparently, there was an unused hatch somewhere around…
"Ah-ha!" Exclaimed the Question as the hatch opened with a click. Meanwhile, I was checking our back making sure that there was nobody.
"Come, Comedian" Said the Question as he rubbed his hands together. "Let us find where these questions lead to shall we?"
I gave a grin as we went inside.
I shot a guy in the dick.
Sure it was a dick move, but at least I made the pellet bounce on the floor before it got to the man's crotch.
He did scream like a little bitch.
"Here comes the punchline!" I roared as a fist with a brass-knuckle smashed into a guy's face causing him to lose a couple of teeth. Meanwhile, the Question was handling things quite well on his own as he threw a chair at a group of men who were firing from their machine guns before rolling away.
Grunting, I hid behind a wooden box that was filled with toy dolls that had a little package of drugs. Taking out the flashbang, I threw it towards the people who were shooting at us without looking.
"Did you throw it well?" Asked the Question.
"Wait for it…" Then with a loud bang, a cries of "肏你妈"(not mud grass horse) spread out like wildfire.
"Now" I said as I threw a smoke bomb towards them. I signaled the Question to retreat as I began shooting tear gas towards the billowing smoke and any signs of movement.
"Nice" Spoke the Question as he cleared our way, punching and kicking down gangsters who were in our way of retreat.
"You got what you came here for?" I yelled over the noise. Q signalled me a yes. With a nod, we ran out as the Question paused to take a few photos while nobody was noticing.
"For your… you know, work?" I asked cautiously.
"Indeed" He replied as we fled through the night. "The Chinese are going to spend a few months recovering after I let this big article blow up"
"The photo?"
"I checked, it luckily doesn't have your face"
"But it's still there right?"
"Yes, it's now impossible to erase the trace of it since it's already uploaded and shared amongst others"
I cursed.
"This is so coming back to bite my ass someday"
"It unfortunately is… but we are going to be prepared for the day it does"
I sighed.
My future is already half fucked up. I wouldn't be surprised to meet with new shit that comes up tomorrow.
The day after the Chinese were the Irish. The next episode after the Irish were the Russians. The week after that was a bunch of American gangsters. Then we figured out the corrupt government official behind this shithole where he orchestrated a steady stream of income into his wallet.
The Question and I stripped him naked, sparing his boxers and hung him by his ankles using a crane that was being used to build a hospital which it's real purpose was to wash the politician's money along with having a new way of smuggling drugs.
A reporter named Vic Sage reported all of this shitstorm in the newspaper after the authorities arrested him for carrying illegal firearms.
One sad thing I learned while dealing with crime was that Hub city was notorious for having more crime than in Gotham city. At least this place wasn't infested with psychos and named villains who killed hundreds within 3 hours.
Slowly, but surely we were tearing down the crime organizations of Hub city.
While doing so, I managed to upgrade my double barrel shotgun. Now, the big beauty was way larger, way fancier, and way cooler. Plus, I had multiple types of cartridges, while rubber was the most common one. When using teargas, we found out that it caused too much smoke for our liking, so we decided to use them when the situation asked for it.
Also, my outfit changed and… to be honest, I ran out of ideas, so I copied the costume right off from a game character 'Graves', with the mask of the Comedian, a.k.a. Edward Blake. Heck, I even reforged and reformed my double barrel shotgun into something that looked exactly like what Graves used. But that wasn't the highlight of my costume. The yellow little badge, was the star of my outfit.
All I needed was the little yellow badge. That was all I needed to show the world who I was. Now in the streets of Hub city, one could easily see the bright yellow smiley face paintings on the wall with the sentences that promised the people of Hub city that a brighter tomorrow was coming.
I didn't plan it, but the media took my name 'Comedian' as a philosophical stance, stating that I was a hero who wanted the people in Hub city to smile from the slowly dropping crime rates and corruption.
…
I sighed instead of laughing.
This… hero gig started off not as a sense of justice, not as an impulse that was made when I saw the darkest side of humanity. It started out as a simple curiosity to see what secrets my dad was keeping from me, then as I went deeper, deeper into the rotten filth of the abyss of drugs and child pornography…
…
Even if this is a bullshit world, there is a certain level of cruelty and insanity a person can unleash into the world. What I've seen, some people certainly crossed that line a long time ago and I was more than happy to push them back and deliver karma.
So here I was, in broad daylight watching a bank robber holding his glock against a crying hostage's temple. Currently, we were at the ceiling, hanging from a single strand of rope.
I looked at the Question. He stared right back at me… or I think he did. Hard to tell when a man has no facial features. We nodded at the same time as we dropped in, me shooting a smoke screen from my double barrel shotgun and the Question landing straight on top of the guy with the hostage.
Then… we proceeded to clean up the robbers… until a meta-human came in with a powerful swing of his fist sending my dad flying sideways.
"MOTHERFUCKER!"
To be honest, I should've looked at my opponent before I pressed the trigger, because the rubber pellet harmlessly bounced off from the giant yeti I just shot.
"... you know what, I apologize"
That didn't work as I only felt pain as I temporarily blacked out.
Seconds later, I saw the Question staring at me with concern…? I hope that is a concerned face.
"You alright Comedian?"
"I… wanna kick that guy's ass so bad"
"Let's do it then"
With a roar I started to pump my shotgun and started to send out an improvised teargas. Teargas that the Question and I weren't affected by since we already had the immunity to it. Also, they didn't cause too much smoke, which was helpful.
Our strategy here was not to harm him physically, but to have him inhale the foul gas that makes people cough, cry, and become vulnerable. Then, we'll deal with this yeti physically.
Damnit, I didn't see that he threw the desk at me.
Groaning, I sat up as I pushed the desk out of my way only to see that the Question was beating the shit out of the yeti. Then, the Yeti managed to push him away for me to get a good look at his face. He was crying as he rubbed his eyes, which was an act that made the itching a lot more worse. Growling I added in some new cartridges, knowing that these couldn't possibly kill the yeti. Also, most of the civilians were out of the way, so I was positive that nobody was going to suffer from this little gunfire of mine.
"Heads up!" I roared with a nasty grin as I pulled the trigger. Then, the whole bank was covered with a blinding light and a howl from the Yeti.
As the Yeti, who was known as the 'Snowman', was taken away by the custody, the Question was in deep thought.
"Is there a problem Q?"
"Look at this"
I raised an eyebrow as I watched the television in the bank as a few police officers tipped their hats towards us.
"Jesus… that's no coincidence" I murmured. On the screen, Gotham city had turned into the arctic with a few people encased within ice by , Central city was terrorized by Captain Cold who I still have no idea how he could fight with the fastest man alive, and Starling city had…
"Icicle Jr.?" I exclaimed, confused. "Does that mean there is a Sr.?"
"They do… there is something sinister going on here…"
"Jeezes Q" I snorted. "Four places attacked with four ice-themed villains… it would've been perfect if there was Killer Frost…"
"It appears that she had made an appearance too" Spoke Q, looking up from the device I gave him.
I once criticized my dad that he sometimes relied too much on a 'safe' approach on collecting and analyzing information. Even if the Illuminati was tracking every move we make through our electronic devices, I convinced my dad to have a device. So after the persuasion, I gave him a device that I improvised off from a crime lord who we successfully sent to jail.
I raised an eyebrow and grinned.
"Speak of the devil… who apprehended her?"
"Aquaman did, in the middle of the ocean"
I gave a bark of laughter.
"You'd be suicidal to cause trouble in the King's territory. They all planned to be apprehended…"
"This is going to be bigger than I expected… I'll have to contact the JL"
"The Justice League?" I asked and when the Question gave a small nod I sighed then smiled bitterly.
"Things always get bigger don't they…"
They did get bigger and I laughed so hard when we all got together.
Green Arrow, Batman, Flash, Aquaman, and the not so famous Question…
…
And their five sidekicks, or according to my words, protégés.
…
"So… can anyone tell me what's the joke here…?" Said Kid Flash, scratching his head uncomfortably. "Jeezes… he's freaking me out…"
"Can't tell for sure" Spoke the Question scratching his head in confusion. "Usually Comedian's punchlines come after his laughs"
"We don't need no… education~" I started to sing.
Everybody stared at me as if I've grown another limb as I kept on singing.
"We don't need no thought control~"
Oh when was it… when could I read others so easily and perceive things so naturally…?
I kept on singing, but it turned into a humming as we got closer to our destination.
Gotta say, DC was hot.
…
Gotta say, I think I missed what the Martian said.
Gotta say… Speedy looks pissed. Just as I expected. Make yourselves at home? Hah! Of course they would grant us full access in the tiny corner of this whole building. In their eyes we were still kids and it looks like Speedy was entering puberty.
I was too busy singing to hear the commotion, but I believe I timed this perfectly. Just as Green Arrow was about to call out to his protégé I shouted.
"TEACHER!" Everybody jumped and even Speedy turned his scowling face towards me in… interest.
"Leave that kid alone~!"
…
"Well, there it is… the Comedian's punchline" Spoke the Question dryly as he chuckled. "Gotta say, I didn't know you would predict that much"
"Oh please" I cackled. "I'm lucky that I nailed it"
Nobody clapped for my performance, but this young fool keeps on dancing.
"I can't believe this!" Moaned Kid Flash as he started to move back and forth at a really high velocity. "How do we know we're ready if they treat us like… like-like sidekicks?!"
"Not sidekicks" I spoke up as I licked a lollipop. "Children. They view us as children"
The three looked at me as if I spoke something crazy so I kept on talking after sucking the sugar stick.
"Well… that's all I can come up with. I mean, first of all, they feel obliged to take us away from a bloody battlefield"
"That's nonsense!" Yelled the Kid Flash glaring at me. "Flash and I went on super dangerous missi—"
"Missions that he was absolutely sure that would cause you no harm. Missions that would guarantee your safety"
"Wha— he would never do that!"
"He just did. All of our mentors did, and you know it"
"But still" Murmured Aqualad as he looked distraught. "I believed that my king would have faith in me…"
"Like I said" I said again, waving my hand around. "They see us as children. Hot-headed, sometimes impulsive, many times irrational, highly emotionally compromised, bunch of hormones, yada yada yada. Of course they don't trust us with their secrets that could probably match the nuclear codes inside the president's football. They sure as hell aren't going to risk such high valued information getting leaked by some children"
Grunting I bit through the candy as it cracked from the pressure between my teeth.
"Believe me guys, this kind of pisses me off too. Being not part of… that Justice League while I'm down here busting my balls by… well, busting other people's balls"
"What… are they hiding from us?" Spoke the Atlantean sadly.
"I have a better question" Spoke Robin as his face got a shade darker. "Why didn't we leave with Speedy…?"
Oh great. Now they're all glum. Until Aqualad spoke up.
"What is… project Cadmus?"
"I don't know…" Answered Robin before his face lit up with a mischievous grin. "But I can sure find out"
As the three walked towards the computer, I simply pulled out my tablet and searched up Cadmus, only to find results of a genetic research facility that was conveniently in DC. And it was currently… oh… that's… oh fuck you fate.
"Wait… a-are you going to Cadmus? Because if you're going, I'm going!" Came the excited voice of KF. I sighed as I walked towards the group.
"Besides" I spoke dryly as I flipped my tablet so the others could see the contents on the screen. "We have a reason to go there right now"
"Cadmus building is on… fire…?"
"The perfect excuse is set" I said grinning ear to ear, but a bit sinisterly. "Lights are on, the audience are waiting… So… what would it be boys? Should we finish investigating Cadmus before the JL, or should we suck our thumbs, sit in the corner, and be stuck as a 'sidekick'?"
Kid Flash got to the burning building before the rest of us got there. It was a good thing that he got there first as a large explosion sent two scientists falling from the building. But lacking strength, he slipped and fell, his fingers catching him just in time from falling to the ground.
Robin saved him with some cool-ass rope that could stick onto pretty much anything.
What the hell is Robin anyways? A member of the circus?
"Need a lift?" Asked Aqualad.
"No need" I said as I tucked my shotgun behind my back. "I have my own tools to let me reach high places"
I started to climb rapidly up the walls with the gloves I managed to loot from a villain who used some various high-tech. Apparently, he didn't had a jetpack which resulted him from falling off an abandoned building that was used for human trafficking.
Splat.
…
Oh, and I still have no idea how the hell these gloves work in the first place. I may be working on computer engineering, but I am far off from understanding the technology martians and batman use.
Maybe Robin can teach me.
"Found anything fishy?" I spoke as I made myself at home in the research lab.
"Nothing at the moment…" Spoke Robin furiously hacking into the Cadmus facility.
"Too small" I spoke to myself quietly. "With a facility the size like this, there couldn't be much going on…"
So, curious to see what was around, I walked around and just by pure accident, I saw something and I would never forget that day I saw something that was not human.
…
Sure, J'ohn wasn't a human himself, but to actually see a bipedal creature that might be not on our side… sent shivers down my spine. The creature got into the elevator, and the doors slid shut.
"Guys…?" I called out. "I saw something that was very strange…?"
"Did the elevator just work?" Asked Kid Flash as he poked his head towards where I just witnessed the strange creature. "Elevators should be locked down when a fire like this happens"
"Strange…" Commented Robin as he walked up to the elevator before looking into his hacked information.
"Thought so… this is a high-express elevator. This definitely does not belong in a two story building"
"... seems like we have to sink" I spoke as I put my shotgun behind my back. "Excuse me boys, humph!"
I managed to force the door open without much difficulty and I found myself staring at the black abyss that seemed to continue down forever.
"Ladies first?" I asked Robin while grinning.
Grumbling, Robin shot out his gadget as he lowered himself as far as he could go. And the three of us grabbed onto the rope and followed him down.
"This is… the most deformed stage I've performed on" I spoke with fascination as I peered into the cylindrical container which had a creature that was generating mass amounts of electricity.
Inside the room we were in, there were hundreds and hundreds of those electric monkeys that I am seeing right now. Cadmus… how fitting.
"What do you mean by stage?" Spoke up Kid Flash with narrowed eyes as Robin tried his best to gain as much information he could. "You make this sound as if this is a-a—"
"A standup comedy? Then you're pretty right" I spoke with a grin. "Oh don't look at me like that. I have my own reasons why I treat my life as a joke"
"I didn't mean that!" Kid Flash said, suddenly surprised that I kind of insulted myself. "But… why would you treat your life as a joke?"
"Because it is one KF" I replied with a sad chuckle. "It's just one big damn joke… you-you wouldn't get it"
"I expected something fun from you" Huffed Kid Flash as he crossed his arms. "I mean, you're called the Comedian for Christ sake. I watched you on television and you were pretty hilarious with your jokes!"
"Shush!" Shushed Robin as he took his head out of his device. "Keep it down you two will you?"
"Sorry mom" I said, putting my hands up in mock surrender.
"Hey! I'm serious! There's so much weird stuff in this place… Each level has its own gimmick and… wait, they have this thing called 'Project: Kr'"
"... what"
"H-hey! Watch it man!" Yelled Kid Flash as I budged in through the group as I stared hard at the screen.
"Where is it" I said, my voice getting serious and a bit panicky. "Where is this Project: Kr?"
"You know something about it? Well, it might take awhile to—"
"Don't move!" Came the sudden voice behind us, and I was already in motion with my shotgun pointing directly where the sound came from.
"Wait… Robin, Aqualad, Kid Flash, and Comedian?"
"Guardian" I replied growling. This wasn't good. Along with the hero there were Cadmus's creations prowling along with him, and the small little one perched up on the hero's shoulder didn't look friendly at all. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm the security and you happen to be trespassing"
I was ready to pull the trigger before the big guy said something.
"I'll call the Justice League. We can figure this out"
Wait. What?
My mind started to accelerate as my logic and my intuition started to lead me to my next move. There was no way the 'security' of this sinister lab would volunteer to call the JL. Of course, there were various reasons behind his actions, but only one seemed to make sense: logically and intuitively.
"You think the League's gonna—"
Before Kid Flash finished his sentence, I had already drawn out my revolver and shot down the little guy that was perched on the Guardian's shoulder.
The next sequence of events were a blur as the hero suddenly clutched his head in pain as I waited for him to snap out of it.
…
…
…
Wait… rubber pellets… FUCK! The little creep on the Guardian's shoulder ain't dead yet!
"SHIT! I roared, as I pumped my shotgun. "RUN FOR IT!"
Then the mayhem happened.
"Kill them" Roared the Guardian as the creatures leaped in command. "No merc—"
A brass knuckled fist met his chin, but damn was that part guarded well, but I didn't stop there. I now knew for certain that the Guardian was under influence from that psychic genome monkey, so I was going to try my best and knock him out or keep him tied up.
Behind me… the others were doing well for themselves. With Robin's smoke-bomb, Kid Flash's speed, and Aqual—
SMACK
Fucking… should've paid more attention to this guy in front of me…
As I went rolling across the floor, I growled and shot a pellet from my shotgun and the Guardian raised his shield to intercept the bullet.
Psych, it's a concoction to create foam. Lots and lots of foam that hardens pretty quick too. Thankfully, it worked as always and with that, I could easily tip the Guardian's balance with a dropkick that sent him skidding across the floor.
And… It looks like I'm the last one to make a run.
Blasting the albino monkeys with my shotgun with lethal pellets, I quickly ran backwards as the shock from the bullets helped me move faster.
"Come on!" I yelled out grinning. "Come on! Bring in some more! Bring in some more yah twats!"
"Comedian!" Came the yell of Aqualad and just a few meters behind me were the three boys who were waiting for me.
"Coming!" I yelled over the gunfire as I fired my last shot. Then, I jumped and rolled safely into the elevator.
"So…" I asked Robin, still panting as the adrenaline ran off. "Did you find where Project: Kr is?"
Robin gave a grim nod as he pressed the button 52. Then, he opened his mouth.
"So… Do you know anything about Project: Kr?"
"Not a clue" I answered with a slight smile as I pulled out my canteen from my back. "It's just theories that are highly probable"
"So what's the theory?" Asked Aqualad with a concerned face. "You seemed… horrified after hearing it"
"Kr. There could be many things that mean that, but in this world, in this sinister place, I could only think of Krypton"
That made everybody stop and think.
"Think about it. They're building an army, large and powerful enough to probably sack a third-world country. Then who would be their biggest threat? Answer: Superman"
"But the every member in the League is a threat to—"
"Planet Earth wouldn't have existed if we didn't have Superman" I said, cutting into Kid Flash's sentence. "The dude is just that powerful and that much righteous. I'm afraid… I'm afraid that Cadmus is making some kind of weapon that could counter Superman"
"We have to contact the League" Spoke Aqualad. "This is getting too deep and too big"
"Yeah man…" I said agreeing with the Atlanteen. "But you know what…? I tried to contact the Question via this tablet the minute I saw that mass army of genomes. Problem is…"
"We're out of signal… damnit…!" Spoke Robin as he attempted to reach out to Batman.
"Yeah… the best we could do is see what Project: Kr is and destroy it if possible"
Then the doors opened and we were greeted by a sight of red disgusting flesh that covered everything.
"Sooo… left or right?" Asked KF. Well, neither looked nice to me… but if I were to guess where Project: Kr is…
"Go right" I said as the three suddenly turned their heads towards me for an explanation.
"If you compare the two floors of left and right, you can see that the left has a… bit of a depression and is smooth, which means that many people go through that corridor. On the other hand… the right side is still bumpy and there are only little traces of erosion. Thus…"
"Thus…?" Said Kid Flash waiting for me to finish my sentence.
"Quack"
"Quack?" Parroted KF confused. "What does that me—"
"It means duck" I said as I used my left arm to lower the speedster's head as I fired a rubber pellet towards the creature I had seen in the elevator.
…
Oh fuck me senseless, the dude has telekinesis that stopped my bullet.
"Intrud—"
"FUCK OFF!" I screamed as I switched into gaseous cartridges. "RAPID FIRE!"
Once again, I was at the end of the line as the three ran towards the right corridor as I took my time to keep the telekinesis user away from us. Seems like a few worked as the creature inhaled a plume of black smoke, which was caused by the explosion of a few containers.
"Go go go!" I roared occasionally shooting back at the ones who were following us. Ignoring the bewildered scientist who was pushed out of the way, I quickly jumped into the room of Project: Kr as Aqualad quickly shut the door as Robin typed in a few more commands in his gadget.
"They can't come in here now. We're safe"
"And trapped" I added dryly. "So… this should be the room where Project: Kr is…"
"Uh, guys?" Spoke Kid Flash as he called out to us. "You… you might want to see this…"
I turned and I faced…
"What the fucking load of shitbags is this?!"
Aqualad and Robin squint their eyes in displeasure for my uncensored cursing, but I wasn't giving any attention to them. Because what I was seeing in front of me was a human male teenager who looked exactly like Superman… just a tad bit younger.
"Is that… his son…?" I questioned with confusion.
"No… but this is insane… It looks like this guy over here hasn't even seen the outside world. Also receiving education from those genomes on top of him…? That's freaky" Spoke Robin as he quickly read the computers. "Wait… this is… this is a clone of Superman…"
"From using his DNA" Finished KF with an expression of horror. "What… what do we do…?!"
"Free him" Spoke Aqualad firmly. "We have to. We can't just leave him like this"
"Damn straight" I said, pumping my shotgun. "And get ready to fight. I don't think those monkey's education courses were about pro-JL"
Robin nodded and cautiously pressed a series of buttons that made the capsule open and Project: Kr to open his eyes.
"Sup" I said. In hindsight, that greeting sucked and that was probably why I was greeted with an incoming fist that would've lodged inside my guts, but my shotgun prevented him from doing so. However, the downside of not dying was…
"You touched Sasha!" I gasped as I checked my girl. There was a little dent. "YAH TOUCHED MAH GIRL!"
No mercy for this guy.
Problem was, he threw an Atlanteen at me, which covered my vision to shoot the clone. I went down hard, and the last thing I saw was Project: Kr's bare foot, which crashed down on my face, bloodying my nose.
Ow.
I woke up finding myself tied up into a position of a X. I frowned and lifted my head to see a man in a lab-coat, wearing glasses, and having a ponytail.
"You know…" I said, not sure what to exactly say. "I usually let my mistress tie me up… so if you let us go, I'll try and make things not awkward when we meet again…?"
"Turn it up"
Then… I was electrocuted. I don't know how much time had passed when the dial was turned back down, but I remember being caked with sweat and pain, not to mention cursing a lot.
"Son of a BITCH" I screamed as I tried my best to move around. "That HURT!"
"I hope you four are now motivated to talk"
"Yeah…?" I said, lifting my head up, staring straight at the doctor that put us into this shit. "Well… I'm always motivated to talk… that your mom's a hoe"
BTZZZZZ
"ARG! CHRIST ON A STICK!"
Then, I realized I was the only one who got electrocuted.
"Hey, why am I the only one who got electrocuted?!"
"Are you seriously questioning that after you insulted my mother?" Asked the scientist with a raised eyebrow.
"Fair enough…" I sighed. "I'm sorry to leave out your daddy too. He had a great ass to fu-UCKKKK!"
I heard a snicker. Fuck you too Kid Flash.
"*pant* *pant*... That all you got…?!" I said, taunting the scientist a bit more. "Because… once I get out of here… I'm going to shove that monkey… on your shoulder… up your fucking virgin ass… while playing butt-virginity musi-ICKKKKK!"
"What in the world is butt-virginity music…?" I heard Robin wondering out loud.
"Hah… oh fuck…" I gasped as steam was literally rising up from my burnt flesh. "I… I…"
"Do you have anything more to say?" Growled the doctor as he glared up at me with annoyance, but I was confident that he was pissed because I talked shit about his parents. "Who were you contacting?"
"Wh-what…?"
"Your tablet contained a 24 second long call with somebody! Who were you contacting, and what have you said to them?!"
"That's… that's…"
"TELL ME!"
Suddenly, the doors of the lab were ripped open by Project: Kr, as he came in marching through with a face that showed a lot of raging emotions. Too bad the doctor didn't get the message of his creation.
I couldn't hear what was happening, but all I knew was that I was freed and I stalled enough time for us.
"Did you already contact the League or the Question? I thought this place was out of signal!" Said Robin confused.
"That was… a fake call with a fake receiver" I said, still catching my breath. "I was planning to use that… to extend his torture so that we could have the slightest possibility of having backup… But I did not expect our savior to be you"
"Just stay out of my way" Growled mister grouchy pants.
"Say, what do you want us to call you?" I asked, getting curious.
"... Superboy…" Said Superboy.
"Very not original" I said lazily. "Ironheart, on the other hand, sounds nice"
"Look! We can discuss this in later time! Let's focus on escaping first!"
"I'm not leaving without Sasha!" I yelled, slowly regaining my strength. "Where is she?"
"Do you mean… this firearm?" Asked Aqualad as he lifted up Sasha.
"Yup. That's her alright" I said with a smile as I finally stood up on my own without leaning on Superboy. "Now let's get the fuck outta here"
Blasting our way through a large number of genetically modified monkeys, I learned one thing about 'Superboy'. Cadmus hadn't done a perfect job in completely replicating Superman. Superboy lacked a few talents that Superman could do, but his toughness and strength were the key role for us to get out of this messed up place.
But then, the doctor had to turn into a blue monster.
On the bright side, I managed to stuff his creation up his ass and finish it off with an explosive cartridge while playing some butt virginity music.
"Holy shit!" Yelled Kid Flash as he covered his mouth in shock. "You really stuffed in a… a genome up his… ass!"
"I'm more shocked that there is a butt-virginity music in the first place…" Shuddered Robin as he tried to devise a plan to defeat the doctor.
"..." The look on Superboy's face was pretty hilarious, but then again I felt bad for the kid since this was technically the first music he'd ever heard in his life. And it had to be a butt-virginity music.
"Oh, he's getting back up" I said quietly as the blue monster glared in my direction. Specifically in my direction. I could imagine this going well.
We brought the building down to defeat the monster and Superman did not look pleased. Nor did Batman and the other members of the League and my dad was nowhere in sight. After all, he liked working alone or with me.
Well. I didn't regret anything and the other's speech seemed to convince the others that we were ready to take on the world.
…
It's a joke. Everything is, but at least I enjoyed today's joke.
PENSAMENTOS DOS CRIADORES 
aweirdweeb
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