Capítulo 144: But I don't speak German! - An ISOT by Rinasoir
Links: https://www.alternatehistory.com/forum/threads/but-i-dont-speak-german-an-isot.336921/
https://forums.sufficientvelocity.com/threads/but-i-dont-speak-german-an-isot.40582/
Update 1
Dublin,
Ireland,
2014
Staring at ones body on the ground can be a distressing experience, at least that was rapidly becoming the main thought in Alex Roebuck's mind. He had been crossing the road to go to college when the car had hit him at well over the speed limit, under normal circumstances this would have been an odd enough experience. What was making it less of an odd experience and more of a "what in the name of all that is good and holy is going on?" situation was the fact that looking at his body, then the crashed car in the garden of a nearby house was George Carlin.
"Ouch, drunk drivers, they are one hell of pain in the ass huh?" Alex was a little too shocked to do anything more than nod at this statement, after all this had to be a weird dream he was about to wake from. "Well it's a tough break kid, real tough break. However it suits me pretty well. Oh don't worry bout the body, it's a copy."
George Carlin held out his hand "My name is Qxdiaafbeuiaobaoggefbdsssffft², but considering how easy you lot on this planet mispronounce that you can call me George." Alex, still dumbfounded, took the hand and shook it. "I'm what is called by your lot an Alien Space Bat, lord knows getting you lot talking about us as if we are not real was fun, and oh boy do I have a use for you."
At this point the only part of Alex's brain that hadn't gone into shock related shutdown took control and spoke. "Wait, so you are telling me that George Carlin was an ASB?"
"George" blinked and looked at him, he then looked at himself and rolled his eyes. "No that person was not one, this appearance I have is what your mind gave me when I did a search for "Least threatening person" in there. And as I was saying I have a use for you."
"I'm sorry," Alex interrupted "George" mid sentence "you went for "least threatening" so appearing to me as a dead comedian struck you as a good idea? I'm sorry but what the hell were you thinking?"
"George" looked at him, his eyes narrowed and he waved his left hand. Next thing Alex knew he was floating in mid air in an empty room, well apart from the chair in the middle of the room. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but no noise came out. "Don't bother trying to talk, I have you suspended in what is essentially a vacuum, you are still alive at my discretion right now and quite frankly I got tired of your questions. Now if you agree to be quiet and only talk when I ask you two I'll switch it off and you can sit down in the chair over there. Nod if you agree."
Alex nodded. He floated down to the ground and felt the change in air pressure as whatever had held him disappeared. "Now then," came "George"'s voice, "If you'll sit down I'll finish my explanation of what you are doing here and we can get on with it, oh and I'm talking to you from a speaker, it makes this easier." Alex had been wondering where "George" was as he sat in the chair. It was not a comfortable chair, it was the sort of simple wooden chair you would find in a café around the world.
"Simply put you are here because I have a use for you. That use, whether you like it or not, is that I have a contest to win. We ASB's have been using your planet for contest purposes for a very long time. Around about now by the way you will be feeling sleepy and realising you can't get out of the chair." That sentence surprised Alex but he was right, his eyes were drooping closed and his body would not let him out of the chair.
"There we go. Now the contest I'm entered in is the "Single Translocation" category of the two hundred and forty seven thousandth ISOT Galactic Championship. Now through a series of tests too complicated to go into I found that you will make for a damn good entrant for me. Now here are the ground rules. First and foremost you won't remember most of this conversation, hell you won't remember a damn thing after getting hit by the car. Secondly until I hit the button that sends you back in time I am allowed to mess with you to my hearts content. If I wanted to I could make you a super genius but that costs points, and points mean prizes kid, so I will be careful with those. You'll be going back with the bare necessity as far as I'm concerned, full bio package so that you'll resist disease, the fact you died means I get to give you a new body for free, I've kept it similar but there have been some changes. Upgraded DNA so you'll run better on the fuel you will be getting, not the technical terms kid but I'm keeping it simple for you."
"Due to the rules I can't send you back with a data centre on stuff that will be useful but I've cherry picked a few things from your possessions, books mainly, made them look like they will fit in, and I'm sending them back with you. Now taking the cheapskate approach like that saved me enough points to afford the things you need without costing me the contest. I will be imprinting you a whole new set of memories, well you and every other human being your new alias will have been in contact with. It's a bit of a pricey option but it adds five times the cost in the style category. Anyway they should serve the whole new person you are going to be. They will take you a while to adjust to, but it should be easy enough. Well theoretically easy anyway."
Alex was starting to slump over in the chair as he felt the clothes he was wearing change, he forced his eyes open and looked down and he was in clothes that seemed older styled than what he was used to. He also felt the bundle appear in his lap, it was heavy and as he looked at it, it looked like an old style army knapsack, all cloth and leather.
"Now" came "George"'s voice "time for me to tell you where you are going. After doing some searching I've come to the decision that your early 20th century is the go to on this. In this case I'm going with what your calendar says is 1920. As for the where, well, I had to pick somewhere good. Now if I wanted to I could have sent you to the spot you died in 1920, there is a war there at the time so that's good for points but sweet rock all afterwards. It pains me as it is a cliché but with the added memories and the bit of a leg up I've given you, you should be fine. Then again your brain tells me you always wanted to see Dresden and Germany so have fun, auf wiedersehen, and have a nice life."
The last thought Alex had before his entire world went black was a weak protest. "Come on, I don't even speak German!"
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