Capítulo 45: May-December | Chapter Fifteen
The two men had gone to bed with Otis. The toddler had spent the next few hours asking random questions and playing with both their hairs. As always, Kyle grew tired of the play fast and turned his back on Otis, making the boy focus most of his attention on Chaska who didn't do the same.
As Kyle listened to the two talk his thoughts trailed off, remembering the sure look on Chaska's eyes when he had told Kyle that he didn't believe that he cared about him that much. The statement not only hurt Kyle, but it made him worry. There had been overwhelming hurt behind the younger man's eyes as he had said it, and Kyle believed most of his front to be a coping mechanism.
He sighed into his pillow, adjusting his position in hopes that he would sleep, but it didn't work. His mind was too busy. It bubbled with conspiracy theories about Chaska's past. He knew he couldn't ask the younger man about it directly, but that knowledge alone wasn't enough to quench his curiosity.
Soon, Otis babblings were mute, and Kyle turned to see if Chaska was asleep yet. The younger man wasn't. His eyes were wide open, and he had turned to face Kyle.
"You're awake," Kyle muttered, turning so that he was resting on his side and staring at Chaska. Otis was fast asleep in the man's hands. The boy's low sighs dotted the silence that was left when Chaska didn't respond to Kyle's words.
The two kept staring at each other. Ice-blue eyes staring into deep-brown ones.
"You seem restless," Chaska said, reaching out his free hand until his fingers touched Kyle's cheek. "Is there something you want to ask me?"
Yes. Kyle closed his eyes. He was glad that he hadn't said that out loud. Chaska needed space, and he had promised himself that he would be patient—that he would wait until the younger man was comfortable with him fully.
"Kyle?"
Kyle blinked, realizing that he had spaced out. His eyes flickered to the hand that the younger man had on his face. He reached to take a hold of it before closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath. "Chaska, don't feel like you have to tell me anything you don't want to."
Kyle opened his eyes to find Chaska taking in his features. The younger man's brown eyes glimmered under the white light of the fluorescent bulb. Chaska licked his lips, letting out a sigh before pulling his hand away.
"You know, most people would have been offended by what I said in the kitchen," Chaska said, recalling the short spat they had while the dark-haired man had prepared dinner. "You just look like I kicked you in the gut instead. It makes me feel guilty," Chaska mumbled, and Kyle looked down between them, not knowing what to say. Otis was still fast asleep with both his hands hugging on to one of Chaska's arms.
"I—" Kyle paused, sighing. He wasn't sure what to say.
"Usually, I wouldn't care," Chaska said, making Kyle look up at him. "I don't know. There's something about you that makes me care. I don't want you to be worried about me," Chaska continued saying. He let out a small gasp as if he was shocked by his own words.
"So, I want to talk to you about why I'm so untrusting and brash," Chaska said, and Kyle scooted closer, reaching out to pull the younger man and his son into a hug.
"So, when I was in high school, I dated this man..." The younger man's eyes were darting about. He didn't seem to want to look Kyle in the eyed as he spoke. "He was older than me and had graduated from my school a year before," Chaska said. His eyes went wide, and he seemed to have trouble forming the words he wanted to say.
He croaked and letting out a small cry before clenching his jaw and looking at Kyle.
"I'm sorry. I thought I was ready to talk about it," he groaned, chuckling as he ran the fingers of his hand free hand through his hair.
"I'm listening," Kyle said, letting out a little sigh. "You can stop whenever you want. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to," he added, trying to ease the clear distress that Chaska was expressing.
Chaska frowned a bit, adjusting his position in Kyle's arms before pressing his forehead against the older man's.
"I'm still talking, just give me a moment." Chaska insisted, and Kyle nodded, pressing a kiss to the man's cheek. Chaska's shoulders relaxed, and he sighed before Kyle caught his lips with his. They kissed for a bit, before pulling away from each other.
Chaska's eyes flickered away from Kyle, and he was back to figuring out how to frame his sentence.
"His brother was in my grade," Chaska said, letting out a small sigh. "His brother didn't know that his brother was gay," he continued, nibbling on his bottom lip. Chaska and Kyle's eyes moved to Otis when the little boy coughed. Chaska reached out to rub the boy's back, and soon the little one was fast asleep again.
"As I was saying," he muttered as the sound of a car driving past came in through the window. "He didn't know his brother was gay, and like most gay people in town, his brother wasn't planning to ever come out," Chaska continued. Kyle noticed that the man's eyes were whirling with tears, so he reached out to clean them before they hand the chance to fall down his cheek.
Chaska closed his eyes, letting himself enjoy Kyle's touch. He opened then after a while, holding the gaze of the blue-eyed man in front of him. "We got caught."
Kyle had expected it, but his heart still fell.
"Imagine getting caught by your classmate giving his brother a blowjob..." Chaska trailed, looking away from Kyle. "That sucked. It was embarrassing, but that's not the point of what I'm trying to say. I'm getting to that," he mumbled, clenching his fingers into his palm so they formed a fist.
"So, Claude didn't protect me. He lied about being with me. He told his brother that I came on to him—" Chaska stopped talking. He blinked back tears, letting out a little croak. "We'd been dating for six months and he just lied and threw me under the bus because he didn't want to come out."
Kyle wanted to say something, but he held himself back. He knew he had to give Chaska the mental space to process his words and work through what he was saying.
"Things got worse at school. I was already getting picked on for being gay. I protected myself. I was in the kickboxing club—of course, but Claude's brother came with his friends. I can't fight four people at once..." he trailed off. Chaska sucked on his lower lip before letting out a sigh.
"He told me that I turned his brother into a faggot. He loathed me, and no teacher protected me because they felt I deserved it..."
Kyle didn't know what to say, but his heart was broken. There was so much pain in Chaska's voice. So much grief and resentment.
"That's the story of how I lost my hearing in one ear and got partially deaf in the other. I already told you that it happened in the locker room during a fight, and now you know the backstory," he muttered, looking down between them as he ran his fingers through Otis' hair.
A lump had formed in Kyle's throat, and he found it hard to make words. "Chaska—"
"The worst part is remembering being so dumb and in love. He kept promising that he would move out of town with me when I graduated. He told me that we'd live up in the city and wouldn't have to worry about ignorant people that wanted to hurt us..." Chaska trailed. "He's married with kids now. He moved out of town."
Kyle could feel his stomach squeeze up. Chaska was being vulnerable in front of him and he didn't know what to do. "Chaska, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry."
Chaska's features twisted up. I'm not giving any closet case the benefit of the doubt again."
There was a pause, and silence too over until Kyle spoke up. "Hmm, including me?" Kyle asked. Chaska stared at him. Frowning a bit before letting out a small sigh.
"Don't be silly. You're not in the closet," he said.
"So, you're just nervous?" Kyle asked, reaching out to touch Chaska's cheek. The dark-haired man didn't say anything in reply. His gaze flickered to Kyle's hand, and he reached up to hold it.
"That's okay, I'll wait," Kyle muttered as the two leaned closer to each other until their lips met again. They kissed, holding hands as breaths fanned each other's face. Kyle noticed that Chaska's hand was shaking. It made his heart sink. The blond-haired man pulled away from the kiss, using the base of his thumb to touch the man's fuller lips before sitting up in bed.
"Hey, do you want to go out into the sitting room?" he asked, hoping that Chaska would say yes. It seemed like the man was trying his best not to cry and wake Otis up. Kyle wanted him to be able to express himself, even if it meant sleeping out on the cool tiles.
"We can watch a movie if you'd like," Kyle urged, trying to get Chaska to say something. "It'll help you clear your head." It worked, the tanned-skinned man nodded his head, swallowing spit that had built up in the back of his throat. Kyle smiled a bit, slipping out of bed before heading to the bedroom door. Chaska still dazed, got up too, tucking Otis in properly before turning off the lights. He followed Kyle out of the bedroom. The blond man took his shaking hand and gave it a squeeze as they made their way through the hallway.
The bright yellow and green eyes of Chaska's cats greeted the two when they stepped into the dark living room. Kyle found the light switch, and Chaska made his way to the basket of cassettes he had stored behind the television.
For several minutes the two tended to different things. Chaska turned on the television and pulled out a blanket from the small storage closet towards the apartment exit door, while Kyle looked through the fridge for snacks. Chaska didn't have much, but Kyle spotted cans of beer.
"Kyle," Chaska called when the two men were now sitting side by side on the floor as they looked at the dancing colors on the television. Kyle looked over at Chaska, noticing the far outlook in the man's eyes. "Thank you for listening to me," Chaska finished, and Kyle looked down at their feet that were covered with a blanket.
"You don't have to thank me for that," Kyle mumbled reaching out to give Chaska's thigh a squeeze. The moment was familiar. Kyle could remember when he had poured his heart out to Chaska about his feelings. He remembered Chaska holding him here in the living room. He remembered how the man had kissed him and reassured him that they would take things slow.
"You can take your time. You can treat me how you like..." Kyle paused, looking up at Chaska. There was something about the man's high cheek bows and deep-set eyes that made his heart sing.
"Take as long as you like thinking about it. I don't want to pressure you," Kyle continued. "Just let me love you as you figure things out," he let out, feeling his face warm up. It was too soon. He was still getting to know the man by his side, but it was how he felt—the words agreed with the shiver that ran deep in his bone marrow. If he could claim that he loved his ex-wife, Anastasia, he could claim to love Chaska because what he felt was deeper.
A sudden fear washed over him when he noticed Chaska had gone quiet. "You don't have to acknowledge what I just said—" he was saying but was abruptly stopped by Chaska taking a hold of his face and pulling him into a messy kiss.
Chaska pulled away from Kyle, holding on to his face as he let out deep breaths. The man's eyes pierced Kyle. It seemed that he was looking for something. "I—I can't say that yet, but I want you to know that it makes me very happy hearing it," he said, and Kyle gulped, looking away from Chaska as his face burned and his stomach squeezed up.
Chaska pulled him into a tight hug, and the two stayed like that until Chaska pulled away and held on to Kyle's face like before. He leaned in, pressing their lips together like before. Chaska's lips were fuller than Kyle's. They felt velvety and soft against Kyle's. The man shivered their tongues met, and a low moan was coaxed from them both. Kyle could feel Chaska's hand under his shirt, touching his skin. His hand felt cold against his skin. Was Chaska cold, or was he burning up? Kyle couldn't tell, and he put all his thought into matching the sudden passion Chaska had thrown at him. He did the same, feeling his heart skip a bit at the feel of Chaska's skin.
They kept kissing. Touching. Pressing up against each other.
Soon shirts were off and then shorts and underwear.
They were naked.
Kyle didn't feel cold. His body kept heating up with every kiss Chaska pressed to his jaw and chest. He was on his back now, shivering and curling up with every touch Chaska delivered. He wanted this. He'd been reading about this for weeks. Truthfully, there had been some fear that it would be too different from being with a woman that it would spook him, but he could say he preferred Chaska's rigid body and rough hands. He could say that his mind went to heaven when the man's hardness touched him anytime Chaska adjusted his position to kiss him better.
"Kyle?" The sound of his name made Kyle blink. He stared up at Chaska who was hovering over him, with his hands on either side of his face. The man's long dark hair had fallen over his face like a curtain. "Do you want me to stop?"
The man shook his head. "No."
"Should I continue?" Chaska asked, and Kyle nodded.
Chaska seemed to think about it for a bit. He sucked on his lower lip before letting out a sigh. "Alright." Were his words before he took hold of Kyle's waist and smiled down at the man.
"I'll take care of you."
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