Capítulo 1: Deadpool nukes the world
Deep within a secret underground military bunker, harsh fluorescent lights cast hard shadows across banks of blinking computer terminals and aging Cold War-era equipment. The concrete walls were a dull gray, adorned with faded warning signs and procedural charts that hadn't been updated since the Reagan administration.
Deadpool sat spinning in a creaky office chair, his red and black suit a stark contrast to the utilitarian surroundings. He idly poked at various buttons on the control panel in front of him, making "pew pew" sounds under his breath.
"You know what this place needs? Some throw pillows. Maybe a nice accent rug. Really tie the apocalypse-ready room together," he mused, propping his feet up on a console labeled 'EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS - DO NOT TOUCH.'
His boot accidentally knocked over a half-empty coffee mug, sending lukewarm coffee cascading across the control panel. As he scrambled to clean it up with his sleeve, his elbow pressed against a large red button partially hidden behind a protective plastic cover that had been left open.
A klaxon immediately began blaring throughout the facility. Red warning lights started strobing across the walls as dozens of screens lit up with launch trajectories and targeting data.
"LAUNCH SEQUENCE INITIATED," announced an emotionless computerized voice. "ALL ICBM SILOS ACTIVATED. TIME TO LAUNCH: 60 SECONDS."
Deadpool froze, coffee-soaked paper towels still in hand. "Uh... Control-Z? Control-Z!"
He frantically began pressing random buttons and flipping switches, but each action only seemed to make things worse. New warning messages kept appearing on screens:
"TARGETING SYSTEMS LOCKED." "ABORT CODES REJECTED." "GLOBAL LAUNCH AUTHORIZED."
"Okay, okay, don't panic," Deadpool told himself, spinning in circles in the chair. "I'm sure there's a 'whoopsie-take-backsie' button somewhere. There's always a 'whoopsie-take-backsie' button!"
"30 SECONDS TO LAUNCH."
"You know, this is exactly why they shouldn't make apocalypse buttons bright red and shiny! It's like they're asking for this to happen," he rambled, diving under the desk to look for any cables he could pull. "Also, who leaves the safety cover open? That's just irresponsible workplace safety practice right there."
"15 SECONDS TO LAUNCH."
Deadpool popped back up, his mask somehow managing to convey pure panic. "Well, this is awkward. Usually I'm just responsible for small-scale mayhem. This is more of a Thanos-level oopsie."
"10... 9... 8..."
"On the bright side, I guess this means I won't have to worry about that outstanding library fine anymore."
"7... 6... 5..."
"Although I was really looking forward to the next season of The Great British Bake Off..."
"4... 3... 2... 1..."
"LAUNCH INITIATED. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS."
The ground began to rumble as, across the globe, missile silo doors slid open. Deadpool slumped in the chair, spinning slowly.
"So... anybody know a good real estate agent for Mars? No? Just me? Also, does this make me technically the highest-scoring Call of Duty player ever?" He pulled out his phone. "Should probably update my LinkedIn profile to 'Accidental Harbinger of the Apocalypse.' That's gotta be worth something on the job market."
As mushroom clouds began blooming across the horizon, Deadpool pulled a "World's Best Nuclear Launch Controller" mug from his pocket and set it on the coffee-stained console.
"I feel like this really deserves some kind of dramatic one-liner, but honestly? I got nothing. Though I guess 'oops' probably counts as famous last words, right?"
The bunker's reinforced elevator groaned as it carried Deadpool back to the surface. When the doors finally opened, he stepped out into what remained of the world he'd known just hours before.
The sky had turned a sickly yellowish-brown, thick with radioactive dust that blotted out the sun. Where there had once been a bustling city, now only skeletal remains of buildings stood, their shadows cast in sharp relief by the fires that still raged across the horizon. The air itself seemed to shimmer with heat and radiation, carrying the acrid smell of burning everything.
"Well... shit." For once, Deadpool's usual stream of quips died in his throat. He walked through the rubble-strewn streets, his boots crunching on pulverized concrete and melted glass. The silence was absolute except for the distant rumble of collapsing structures and the whisper of toxic wind.
"Hello?" he called out, his voice echoing off the ruins. "Any other surviving comedy relief characters out there? Rocket? Drax? ...Howard the Duck?"
He passed what had been a playground, now reduced to twisted metal and shadows burned permanently into walls. A half-melted swing creaked back and forth in the contaminated breeze. Deadpool stopped, staring at a charred teddy bear lying face-down in a puddle of radioactive rainwater.
"Okay, this is... this is definitely going in the top five of 'Wade Wilson's Greatest Screw-ups'," he muttered, picking up the bear. "Right above that time I tried to microwave a fork to make a tiny trident, but definitely below that haircut I had in '97."
A sudden gust of wind carried loose papers past him – homework assignments, office memos, family photos, all now just atomic confetti. Deadpool watched them dance away into the poisoned sky.
"You know, usually this is the part where I make some kind of inappropriate joke to diffuse the tension," he said to the teddy bear. "But I'm thinking maybe 'global thermonuclear annihilation' might be a bit above my usual pay grade for quips."
He climbed to the top of a partially collapsed building, getting a better view of the devastation. The horizon in every direction was dotted with mushroom clouds, still rising majestically into the stratosphere. The entire landscape had been transformed into something alien and hostile.
"I really did it this time, didn't I?" Deadpool sat down on a broken air conditioning unit, shoulders slumping. "I mean, sure, I've made some questionable life choices before. That chimichangas-only diet month. That time I tried to start a boy band called 'The Regenerating Heartthrobs.' But this..." He gestured at the apocalyptic wasteland stretching endlessly in every direction. "This is a whole new level of 'my bad.'"
A group of cockroaches scuttled past his feet, probably the only living things besides him that would survive this.
"Hey, at least you guys made it," he called after them. "Maybe we can start a book club. I'm thinking we start with 'On The Beach' – too soon?"
The sound of another building collapsing in the distance echoed across the wasteland. Deadpool stood up, dusting radioactive ash off his suit.
"I suppose this answers the age-old question of what happens when an unstoppable moron meets an immovable big red button," he sighed. "Although I guess technically the button was movable. Very movable. Extremely press-able, actually. They really should work on that design flaw... you know, if humanity ever exists again."
He looked down at the teddy bear still clutched in his hand, its plastic eyes somehow managing to look accusatory despite being partially melted.
"Don't give me that look," he told it. "How was I supposed to know that button would actually work? I mean, who leaves the actual apocalypse button just sitting there? That's like leaving your Twitter account logged in at the library."
Another gust of wind carried the distant sound of emergency sirens that would never be answered. Deadpool's usual manic energy seemed to deflate slightly.
"You know what the worst part is?" he asked the bear. "Cable's totally going to give me that 'I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed' look when he finds out about this. And honestly? I think I might actually deserve it this time."
He tucked the bear into one of his pouches and started walking through the ruins, his footprints leaving tracks in the radioactive ash that had begun to blanket everything like gray snow.
"Well, look on the bright side," he announced to the empty wasteland. "At least now I'll never have to sit through another Fast & Furious movie. Though I was kind of looking forward to 'Fast 10: Your Seatbelts'..."
His voice trailed off as he disappeared into the nuclear twilight, leaving only footprints in the ash and the endless silence of a world he had accidentally erased.
Through the radioactive haze, a figure approached Deadpool across the ruins. The man seemed to emit his own pale light, his round form floating slightly above the ash-covered ground. As he drew closer, his features became clear: a neatly trimmed beard, wire-frame glasses, and a serene smile that seemed wildly out of place in the nuclear wasteland.
"Well, if it isn't the man who finally did it," Gabe Newell's voice echoed with an otherworldly resonance. "The greatest sale of all time - 100% off on human civilization."
Deadpool stared at the glowing figure, then at the teddy bear in his hands, then back at Gabe. "Okay, either the radiation is hitting harder than expected, or I'm having a very specific gamer hallucination. Though I gotta say, the floating effect is a nice touch."
"Oh, this is very real," Gabe chuckled, hovering closer. The radiation seemed to bend around him like light around a black hole. "Do you know how long I've been waiting for someone to finally press that button? The ultimate reset - better than any Steam sale."
"Listen, Lord GabeN," Deadpool raised his hands defensively, "if this is about me refunding Cyberpunk 2077 eight times, I can explain—"
"No, no," Gabe waved dismissively, his movement leaving trails of light in the toxic air. "This is exactly what I wanted. Think about it - with civilization reduced to radioactive ash, everyone will have plenty of time to work through their Steam backlogs!"
A piece of burning building crashed nearby, sending up a plume of glowing debris. Gabe smiled wider.
"Just look at those mushroom clouds," he gestured expansively. "Remind you of anything? Perhaps... the Steam servers during a summer sale?"
"You know," Deadpool backed away slowly, "I've met some questionable characters in my time - and that's saying something considering I once shared a hot tub with Mojo - but this might be a new level of concerning."
Gabe floated in circles around Deadpool, leaving a trail of binary code in his wake. "Don't you see? Now there's nothing to distract people from gaming. No jobs, no responsibilities, no social obligations... just pure, uninterrupted gaming time! Well, for the cockroaches at least. They're surprisingly good at Counter-Strike."
"Right..." Deadpool clutched his teddy bear closer. "Quick question: on a scale of one to 'creating Half-Life 3,' how unhinged would you say you are right now?"
"Half-Life 3?" Gabe's eyes gleamed with radioactive intensity. "Oh, it's coming. But first, we need to prepare the world. And what better way than a fresh start? A clean install, if you will."
"You do realize most gaming PCs probably won't survive an electromagnetic pulse, right?" Deadpool pointed out. "Also, slight detail - most of the players are now radioactive vapor."
Gabe's smile didn't waver. "Minor inconveniences. Besides, now we can finally implement real-life battle royale! The radiation zones are already built in!"
A distant explosion punctuated his words, sending a fresh wave of debris raining down around them. Gabe caught a piece of radioactive ash on his tongue like a snowflake.
"Tastes like... victory," he mused. "And microtransactions."
"Okay, that's it," Deadpool turned to leave. "I'm going to go find some less disturbing company. Maybe those cockroaches are up for a book club after all."
"Wait!" Gabe called after him. "Don't you want to hear about my plans for Steam 2? It'll be revolutionary! All it needed was the complete destruction of human civilization!"
But Deadpool was already walking away, muttering to his teddy bear, "And here I thought I had problems. At least I only accidentally ended the world. This guy's been planning it since Portal 2."
Behind him, Gabe's glowing form began to fade, his last words echoing across the wasteland: "Don't forget to wishlist Ricochet 2!"
"You know what?" Deadpool told the bear, "Maybe the nuclear apocalypse isn't the worst thing that could have happened. At least we don't have to sit through another Steam Deck announcement."
A random Steam notification sound echoed through the dead city, making Deadpool walk faster, leaving the fading laughter of a radioactive Gabe Newell behind him.
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