Capítulo 63: A friend will always disappoint you in the end.
In Colin's drawing room, "You are sure you still want to pursue Safa?" Colin asked, "Are you asking me as my friend or as the man who was behind the reason I even tried to pursue her in the first place?" Fabian's sarcastic response made Colin frown.
"I admit I started this, in a way...but you're about to make things worse."
"And?"
"Fai, She'll become your enemy!" Colin said.
"I made my decision, Colin."
"Fabian, Safa deserves to make her own decisions."
"She already made her decision, I am just following her orders, and you promised to help!"
"And I regret that! I should've known this is what you have in mind!"
"So are you backing away?" Fabian asked.
"I... I'm not sure Fabian." Colin replied.
"You should have been careful when you promised to help then." Fabian said.
Feeling guilty, "Look, I fully regret how things turned out to be, but think about this please! I know I promised to help but this?!?!
you cannot tie Safa to you like a dog, you saw how she reacted during the shooting game and that was in front of us, do you think that behind closed doors, she would let you live peacefully?!" Colin replied.
"Either I die or marry her at this point, I do not care!"
"You are scaring me Fabian!"
"I know I seem like a butthead for doing this but I cannot give up anymore, I have given her my word, unlike you I am willing to keep it!" Fabian replied.
"Fabian! if one of my sisters were to be in Safa's shoes, I would be shooting you out of anger!"
"It is a risk I am more than willing to make Colin! I barely have anything else worth living for besides the few people I consider close, including Safa."
"You won't be getting any closer to Safa this way! I promise you that!"
"I know that with time I can make her love me, but I cannot do that if she seriously gets engaged to James!"
"What makes you so sure she'll ever love you, especially if you go with your plan?!"
"I have a feeling." Fabian replied.
"A feeling?!" Colin nearly shouted, "Fabian I will remind you one last time that it's not too late to just abandon your crazy idea, you have to understand that you can't force someone to love you! Please take this discussion seriously." Colin said.
"I am choosing my life partner, I am taking it seriously!
I will not search for another wife when I have found the one I love, she is getting married to a man who wants her only for her money!" Fabian replied.
"I understand you're seeking true love and a real connection with Safa but What is love in bad conditions but a recipe for disaster!
Besides you also want A rich wife for money! Just because you have feelings for Safa doesn't make you any better than James?!" Colin argued.
Fabian sighed, "I was just a stranger to her, not long ago...yet she came to my help without me even asking...how many people you know that would do such a thing?!
She did not make fun of my looks, nor ridiculed me when I told her about my past, and how strained my relationship with the Struats was.
Even when she sensed that I was developing feelings for her, Safa still decided to help me by making that BLOODY tea!" Fabian replied.
"I understand that a kindness like Safa's is something you didn't experience much in your life, but it won't last if you turn her against you." Colin replied.
"I made my mind, col." Fabian replied.
...Meanwhile...
Sighing, "Maybe I should read something else." Clara said as she rose from her chair, but not before she gently removed the sleeping puppy from her lap.
In the library, She made her way to the ladder by the bookshelf where she picked Bernardino's memoir to return it.
But While climbing down, she got an idea.
"Safa's study has bookshelves too...maybe if I take a look there I might be able to learn about her work and be able to assist her!"
So excited, Clara left the library, leaving Denver to sleep in peace while she hurried to the empty study room.
Upon entering, Clara immediately went to the bookshelf behind Safa's desk, and she was met with a rows and rows of books seemingly all about plants.
She started picking few books to read, but then noticed something.
A book was apparently hidden in a dark spot behind one of the books she picked, and as she pulled it, Clara saw that it was similar looking to Bernardino's memoir.
"It must be another journal." she thought, it had no title on the outside just like Bernardino's book.
Curiosity took the better of her and Clara found herself preparing to read the hidden journal.
Sitting down, she took a deep breath opening the book.
With curious eyes, Clara read the first thing she saw on the first page, a title 'My confessions'.
Then her eyes quickly darted to The bottom of the page where a signature with the name, 'Charlotte Carrington' was written in excessive cursive.
"Charlotte?" Clara wondered flipping the page, but her excitement soon began shifting as she read, "Dear unfortunate Reader...I assume you are either my beloved husband...one or both of my lovely children... or perhaps you are my father.
You could be a stranger too, but I doubt a stranger would get their hands on this, but if you are... I would not recommend you to read any further.
However, it does not really matter since I cannot stop you, because if you are reading this, it could Only mean one thing.
I am no longer Alive." Clara gasped at that sentence, she questioned herself, "Oh god, Should I be reading this?"
For a moment she considered putting Back the book, but she was all alone, no one could see her read it, and if she read Anything she shouldn't, it would become her secret.
So Taking a deeper breath to calm herself, Clara decided to read more.
"My name is Charlotte Carrington, I am an Englishwoman from a prestigious family, since I was born into wealth and prosperity, you would think I lived blissfully up until now.
Yet since the day I was born, life has decided that blissfulness is not mine...I only began writing this because I am currently dying.
But to be fair, I made my own life a hell sometimes, as I have a tendency to make decisions that I am well aware i would regret as time goes on...
Regardless of it all, I must admit I lived a relatively easier life than most people In this world due to my family's wealth.
But because money does not buy you happiness, one cannot as a normal person with emotions, keep on denying the truth that one can still suffer even if you are blessed with riches beyond the average peasant's imagination.
So here, I decided to relieve myself of some of the things that I keep locked inside my heart, things I cannot share personally with those I care about, because it might worry them...hurt them even...things I wish not to explain in person.
So I decided to write them here, so when I die...Those I love may find this book and read it for themselves.
So by the time anyone would have their hands on this, I would be gone and cannot possibly be questioned about what i wrote." Clara flipped the page again.
"Anyhow, I will start this book with lighter confessions and as we progress, it will only get heavier and heavier and you will see that I have hinted in each title at the subject of my confessions.
And I am sorry in advance if you found a confession about you specifically...You already know by now why you are reading about it instead of hearing about it from me.
So now, that you know what this is about, and if you are a member of my family...I wish to apologize again, I hope you would forgive my cowardice, I love all of you.
Especially you, My dearest of them all, My little Angel Safa." Clara gasped at the name, she immediately started flipping through pages and checking each title, and sure enough it was just like the author had stated.
Just by reading the titles, one after another, Clara could see that the confession were becoming more and more...dark.
So she decided to gather all of her courage and skip to the last confession.
Her eyes widen at the title, 'I love my daughter, but I believe she should have not been born at all'
Clara's heartbeats were now insanely fast, she began nervously reading the confession, her eyes already filling with tears as she did so, "I know it seems heartless to say something like this about my own flesh and blood...I love Safa, perhaps a little more than I love Bernardino, so it does not make much sense for me to say such things.
But I do believe it should have been this way.
Poor thing, we both nearly died when I was delivering Safa.
She was born too frail, too small, even for a baby girl...she was suffering from the moment I brought her to life.
I remember the face of the midwife when she looked at her, her smile, It evaporated.
At that moment all I could think of, was my baby dead? What happened? But later I would realized that it was a fate worse than death.
She lived.
And As a newborn, Safa was too sick all the time, puking, crying, refusing to eat, she was feverish constantly...she had so many meetings with death yet somehow always survived them, it felt like torture watching her grow.
And then there was the matter of her unusual body, specifically her legs.
I was told she was still growing, that she would change when she grows enough, but they did not tell me whether the change was going to be good or even more worse.
And then it came the age where Safa should walk, but she never did...i was told then she probably never will.
My poor daughter could not even stand.
And when it was time for her to speak, Safa was late than most children, I was terrified...why is she not speaking yet?
I was so worried that I became ecstatic when she finally spoke her first words, i threw a party and fed the poor for a week!"
Clara paused asking, "Does Safa know about this book?" then continued reading.
"Safa was a lovely bright soul, despite all the pain she was in, she smiled purely whenever our faces met.
She would laugh and giggle at Bernardino and her father, she was just happy.
But with time I started to hate how happy she was, she did not realize it yet.
My little girl is going to be bound in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, and she has no idea what that meant.
she might not experience love such as I did with her father, Safa may never get to do simple things like running and dancing...that realization Alone made me lose the will to live to see the day where all girls grow and lead their own lives, have their own families...
while my own daughter is like a fancy bird, caged on a chair in her parents home for the rest of her life.
So I suppose it is a blessing after all that God struck me with this illness, I will die before witnessing my daughter finally understand, that her life is a mistake..."
With her tears pouring from her eyes, Clara closed the book before she could even finish reading.
PENSAMENTOS DOS CRIADORES 
QW_JiHi
QW_JiHi No so fun facts:
In the 1800s, people with disabilities were considered meager, tragic, pitiful individuals unfit and unable to contribute to society, except to serve as ridiculed objects of entertainment in circuses and exhibitions.
even worse, During the 1800s institutions opened that catered to people with disabilities. Most of these facilities focused on restraining and controlling patients, not on treatment or therapy. They housed people with cognitive, developmental, physical, and emotional disabilities, often for the entirety of the person's life.
(to everyone other with a disability, you are loved, you are worthy, you are more than enough)
.....
o tanjou bi omedetou , ore.
....
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