Capítulo 17: 17. If I Could Turn Back Time.
So much for making something together. The sound of his disappointment echoed in my ears, a sharp pang that reverberated through the room. It is hard for him to hear the word no, but then again, I never dealt with those losses, nor am I willing to. The thought of facing that pain is like a heavy weight on my chest, suffocating me. It lingers in the air, a bitter scent of heartbreak and longing.
They were my soulmates, their absence a constant ache in my heart. And Jake, being a ghost, watching over me, is something that breaks my heart even more. His presence, though ethereal, is a reminder of our unbreakable bond, a connection that not even death can sever. The pain I feel is a testament to that bond, a testament to the love we shared. I guess I was a coward, afraid to face that pain and confront the reality of letting go.
The idea of saying a proper goodbye to Jake, of releasing him from my grasp, is unbearable. The thought alone threatens to shatter me into a million broken pieces. Our bond, our loss, it's something that Damon or anyone else will never truly comprehend. They simply can't.
Looking back at the past is like watching a movie, a hazy reel of memories and emotions. But no one in this pack can empathize with me, can truly feel the depth of my sorrow. None of them possess the same raging fire that burns within me. Lepard may come close, his rage a blend of mine and Damon's, but even he is not biologically connected to me. Still, he carries a piece of my fury, and it links us together.
And when you find someone who can stand by your side, even in your darkest moments, someone who cares for you deeply, loves you unconditionally, but not in a sexual way, well, we did have an affair, but that's beside the point. Jake saw me as his protégé, someone he felt a profound responsibility towards.
He knew me better than anyone ever has, in my most vulnerable moments, in my moments of pure joy, and even in my darkest days. He understood me on a level that no one else could, and that understanding forged an unbreakable bond between us.
This bond, so strong and unyielding, will be my ultimate downfall. Jake's loss will tear me apart, no matter what Damon does to ease my pain. There will be a backlash of jealousy, a bitter resentment towards the depth of our connection. It drives Damon to seek solace in the arms of Mariella, leaving me raw and suffering. But I refuse to go down that path. I won't subject myself to that kind of heartache.
Damon may think he can handle it, that he can shoulder the weight of my pain, but I know him better than he realizes. Over a century, we have been inseparable, more or less, and I have learned so much about him. He, too, has grown and changed. But even with his growth, he cannot bear the weight of my grief. It is too much for him to bear, and it will inevitably take its toll on our relationship.
I released myself from my daydream and attempted to shift my mind into a more cheerful state. Engaging in these crafts had been enjoyable, and there was still so much more to explore. Safety was also a priority. Although we had accomplished something, I still had the desire to create something new.
That's when I decided to try my hand at diamond painting. The process seemed simple enough—placing tiny plastic pieces onto a large sticker paper, forming a painting, with each piece acting as a pixel. I had gained a massive piece for this project. Online, I discovered a shop that allowed you to design your own model, and they would bring it to life and deliver it to you. The diamonds I had were actually stones, small chips of precious jewels, making this order quite luxurious.
The design was my own creation, featuring the boys in their cat forms, the wolves in their wolf forms, and me and Damon closely intertwined. To Damon's left stood Mariella and the other Salvatores, while Charles was positioned on my left side. Adam was nearby, and Leopard stood in front of me, while Demon took his place in front of Mariella. Mimosa and Shadow sat gracefully by the Salvatores, their wolf forms exuding regal energy. Shadow held a bundle of herbs in her teeth, while Mimosa's expression held a hint of cruelty.
Creating this picture required hours of meticulous work, using photographs as references. We were depicted standing in a dark forest, with a night sky adorned with stars and a full moon. Towering, ominous trees surrounded us, our eyes emitting a yellow glow, a testament to our feline nature. Our clothing was intricate and vibrant, embellished with various ornaments.
This artwork was larger than a standard kitchen table, showing that it would take time to complete. Although I had a few other designs, I was determined to embark on this forever project. The task at hand was immense, with the diamonds being minuscule, but I was committed to seeing it through. Gathering my materials, I relocated to one of the lounge rooms with expansive windows, providing ample natural light. A sizable table at the perfect height and comfortable chairs awaited me, ensuring a pleasant working environment.
I spread the work out on the table, but always kept a piece of what I was doing on display. I had dozens or hundreds of different colors of diamonds, so this was going to be very gorgeous. I chose the first color that seemed to be available. I scoped out the right diamond quality and shook them around in the container a bit.
Then I picked up a pen. It had a wax on the end of it that I used to grab the diamond and press it into the base. This was a very Zen thing to do, and I didn't notice when Four had come into the room and was watching from the doorway what on earth I was doing.
He came and sat down and said, " Oh, number one is back with Mariela. What are you doing?"
I looked at my husband and said, " Diamond painting of our pack. My design. This is a forever project."
His scent, so familiar, gave me some sense of calmness, too. I did remember number two's warning about this specimen, too.
He came and sat down next to me, pulled a chair closer, and said, "Fine, let me join in. There is something to me too, right, baby?"
I nodded. Showed him how to do it. It was easy, and he got on with it, too. He was the one who had been with me in England, not number one. This side, my Damon, he wanted to do stuff with me, not feared word no.
He did a spell or duplicated a spell with a pencil on himself and then rummaged through the diamonds, pulling out the work from a slightly different place. We kept working, and I didn't notice when the fifth had joined in too. There were now three of us working, and I didn't mind at all.
I tried to be in a pack now and as the work was big enough, there was plenty of room for us to do this. This was group work, and I did not know if salvatores talked with each other in their hive mind. I just focused on my Zen work and let my mind wander, not over analyze as normally, not trying to predict everything and think every possible outcome.
I had not yet even thought what it would mean that my Damon was now out in the open in number four; we had not yet talked about it but had just done this diamond painting and this was meditative. I was part of the pack. We were doing something, and I thought just by passing that it was not me, but number one that drove me away every time. It was fine to put blame on me, make me feel bad that I was to blame that did not want to be in the pack, but in reality, it was different. I was chased out.
It is something to do with his attitude and the fact that he usually took over whatever I was doing, he and mariella. Mariella wanting to see him doing whatever I had been doing, and he was imposing his will over me but none of these did the same, we were working on each of our pieces and I could hear salvatores snickering at each other when they argued what part of pictures was theirs to make.
It felt homey and cozy, and I knew the firm where I had ordered this from so I could make so many more of these, and from pictures, too. They had fun with me too, they 'accidentally' pushed me, just I was placing a diamond in place so it would not go in place, but I would have to take it out with tweezers and put it in place. I belonged, simple as that. I was part of the pack and it felt so damn good. We had fun. They made me curse like a sailor and then they commented on my vocabulary, no matter what language I was using.
When Damon had returned to Mariella and fucked her without saying a word, Mariella knew that there was some problem between Mimi and Damon again. She realized when the four had told her how much the whole chopping thing had hurt and all that so that lady might be nervous, so she had let Damon go after Mimi. If the two of them could get on with it again.
But no, some fucking nasty knot had come up and Mariella let Damon decompress. She couldn't move when the man on her was just too skilled. All she could do was enjoy herself and let it go, not analyze. Time of that would come in time.
After they had been fucking for three days, Mariella said, "How about you show me what you and Mimi did with the resin work and we can see what the hell is going on while the wolves wondered about Salvatores' disappearance?"
She knew that they had done resin work; she had glimpsed in the past. Not look at everything because it would be important for him to tell her himself.
Damon sighed and said, "I don't know yet. You see, I realized when I was with Mimi, well, I didn't know how much Jake and Rob's death hurt her at the time. We were doing the work and Mimi was making plaster hands — I mean cupped hands — there would be water trickling down on them. They were supposed to coat with something when she was going to do the waterfall and she went into the other room."
His voice was quiet. Mariella stayed silent, letting the story come out.
"There were stone slabs and wooden slabs and I could sense through our connection that she had a problem. I could feel suddenly such deep sorrow, this soul-shattering pain that it paralyzed even me for a while. She was standing there touching one of the stone slabs and the pain I felt when I looked into her mind, was too much." Damon sighed, as he could still feel that pain.
"But she wouldn't let me help her. See now that the slab was almost identical to the one she carved Jake's name on. Those two had been much more important to Mimi than Magnum, or even Wulfe, and that's a lot of it. And when she killed Rob herself. She pulled it on inside her. Told me she was fine, and it was like that pain would have never been there in the first place. But I know it lives inside her. She is just too damn stubborn and wants to suffer."
Mariella sighed and said, " Mimi is Mimi. You've helped her a lot already, and one day you'll probably help her with that too. I can sometimes talk to her, and it seems that she is unwilling to let go because she has not handled those losses herself. She has just shoved them deep inside her and she should someday deal with them and move on, but it is easier said than done. Given Mimi's strength and stubbornness, I am not sure if we can get her to ever deal with losses. But come on, let's go see what the name of the game is. We do not know how deep those bonds between her and Jake or Rob went. I know that for someone to manifest as a ghost, is difficult. So there is a very deep connection. One you might get jealous of and then, if we rip those wounds open, you get a fit of jealousy. Where did that leave her?"
Damon looked at her and did not utter a word, but he knew she had a point. He would have been strong, not given in jealousy, and that thought make him settle down a bit. The time would come when he would be sure, because Mariella was right. It could shatter Mimi so badly if he was not ready. If he was not strong enough.
They went to shower, dressed themselves, and went to see what was going on. Wolves had been a little upset, as there seemed to be a case of missing salvatores. Damon could feel through their hive mind, satisfaction, playfulness, and happiness oozing from some of them. Now this was getting curious. He did not ask them what was going on. He wanted to see this.
They went to the empty kitchen, and it was strange, then they ate, and then they went to see where everyone was. A few salvatores were with the wolves, the boys were out hunting, and Adam and Charles were watching some sports match on TV. But they then went into the craft room after Damon had promised to show her some finished resin tables.
He took them out of the molds, and those hands too, but these would require finishing, and Mariella found she was jealous about those hands. She wanted to do a similar thing with Damon, too. After they had been in there. They moved on, to see what was going on. A couple of rooms away chatter and Mimi was laughing. It sounded like bells ringing softly in the breeze. Something in her laughter was so pure that Damon felt a pang of jealousy. They arrived at the door.
Mimi and four, five, two, eight, three, and ten were at a table. Some kind of sheet was spread on the table and the men seemed to press something into it with pens. They were joking among themselves and Mimi was laughing sometimes, too.
Number four and two were sitting next to her. They nudged her and she cursed, causing the number two to smirk in a way that made him look so boyish. Ten commented dryly her vocabulary as she cursed in Finnish. making her roll her eyes. Again, Mariella was jealous. Number two seldom smirked. He seemed to be in a very playful mood. They were having fun.
Mariella watched for a moment and then said to Damon in her mind, " Is this how Mimi always feels when she's not part of the party? It's not a pleasant feeling by any means, but a feeling nonetheless."
Her expression was neutral. She was unsure where to go here. Would she throw a tantrum or join with them?
Damon grunted as he walked closer. The two looked up and explained the whole diamond painting idea. Damon looked at the work and realized it was a picture of the pack, a fantastic picture, and each Salvatore was doing their picture while Mimi did the background and other parts.
Mimi looked at him. Her hair was mussed up, she was relaxed, there were bite marks on her neck, teeth marks, someone had been thirsty. But then numbers two and four had Mimi's fang marks too.
I don't know how long we had been doing this work when Damon and Mariella came to the door; it was just a trickle of salvatores and they were doing their pictures. This was fun and oh, they were arguing and their favorite thing was stealing diamonds from my dish. Or nudge me so my placement went awry, and I had to remove with tweezers. They commented on my curse vocabulary. if I repeated myself, they caught that and commented dryly. So I expanded my vocabulary and changed my language to Finnish. Making them all excited, more fun curse words, like 'Perkele' or 'saatana'.
We had bitten each other and sipped blood because this was so damn fun to do and no one wanted to go blood room and got some bagged blood, so we drank from each other. They also argued a lot about what was their line, and what part of the picture belonged to whom and they were almost counting that each of them got equal portions.
When Damon came closer and the two explained the whole thing, I looked at him and said, " There's still room at the table. If you want to come, this is a pack photo."
He looked at me for a moment, unsure, and then Mariella was already dragging chairs for the two of them as they did their photos. I wasn't doing mine yet; I was doing the background; it was a forest at night, moonlight and shadows, but not too dark. There was also a gold-colored coat of arms above the picture, the coat of arms of Salvatore.
We had fun with number two; he got quite playful and started nibbling and nipping me, robbing my diamonds, and laughing huskily in my ears too. I saw Mariella looking at us, but this individual didn't care about her. He had too much fun with me. I bit into him with many little dental substances. We were having fun. He was really playful, smirking at me, being all over me, making number four look at him quite sharply too. But nothing deterred this one. I was not sure where we would end up.
After a few hours, number one stood up.
He could not take us anymore. His expression was pretty much pure jealousy and said, "Fine, it is time to go eating. This is a good pack project, but I shall put this now in safety so we can continue this as a pack."
Mariella wrapped herself around him. Number two whispered into my ear many things and number five sang to me Annie's song in my mind. These were quite playful moods. We got up when Number One had packed the whole diamond painting and all the supplies and teleported them somewhere. Number four walked ahead. He was jealous, too.
We got to stand and got ready to go into the kitchen to eat. I thought I would so much want to have my revenge, but it was not always possible. Well, maybe someday. My inner beast was active as well, but what it came to my revenge, oh it would be so perfect.
As we were trickling into the kitchen, number one walked next to me and said to me."What is your revenge? You have a plan and I guess it is for one Nick Michaelson. But baby, come on, you are just asking him to come after you again."
I was silent; I had the ability, one little skill, my vampire skill that I had not shared with the pack, and this ability would ensure that my revenge would hit and not miss, and he would have no evidence that it was me, hell he would not even realize that he had been manipulated.
We went to eat, someone was giving me food, there were quite many of them and number one was with Mariella as she demanded him straight away, almost. Number two and five were watching me, but so was Mariella looking at them, too. Jealous much?
I ate my food, though about my revenge for Nick and how freaking sweet. It would be to ruin his reputation full on to give him the reputation that he did not want, and he does not know what has been done to him ever.
Damon asked in my mind, dangerously, "Do I have to program you further or will you tell me what you are planning?"
I replied, "How about I just show you, I can guarantee that he does not know what will be done to him and it will work but I won't ruin my surprise, it will be just two of us, if you are up to. I can guarantee that I can make him do things he hates and he will love it. Don't even think that it is me who has done this to him, and depending on what I will make him do, I can pretty much ruin his reputation. Let's just say that his reputation would be kinda different if he had to sing karaoke, wear Hawaii shirts, and drink tea at noon, talking about the weather with vampires that he would ask to visit each day."
Damon said to me, "How in hell you are gonna do that? Not gonna work, I can tell you that. You are not strong enough to compel him, not at all. Even I powerful telepath can't program him so easily. I might affect him, but not that much. You are too confident in your abilities. "
I just smiled. I said to him in my mind, "Wanna see, but you need to do exactly what I say and control yourself and your bloodlust too. Can you do it? Even if my blood would smell great."
Damon just grunted and nodded. He said then to my mind, "Game on, little lady, let's see if you can pull this off and then we can discuss how and what kind of oomph I can get from it."
I did not react anyway. Maybe he might get nothing from this. Not anymore, since he was no longer my vampire husband. And not even then.
We ate the rest of the meal and Damon said to everyone, "I am going to go somewhere with Mimi and we see what happens after this. Let's have some fun or something."
I said to Damon in my mind, because I did not want Adam or Charles, the boys, to hear what I was up to. They had been very protective of me. "Teleport me wherever Nick is. Hide in shadows, and enjoy the show."
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