Capítulo 14: 14. Memory.
Now that Magnum had been grounded, there was a bit of reorganizing and searching for the doers, but I managed to get everything running smoothly again. I organized the blasts, kill lists, and sniper raids. I was looking for evidence in the medical facilities. I was doing stuff. I had a study in the wing. I had taken one room on Mirella's floor and turned it into a study for myself.
I was not going to gigs, not yet, but doing all the other things that needed my attention and there's a lot of work to be done. Most of my time I was on the phone, same time watching satellites to see if there were any hints of bad activity because some of our satellites were available to us only at certain times and there was not always someone to look at those places that we were after.
I had time to look at those places same time when I organized everything, made decisions where I needed to, ordered things around, and planned gigs too. there were lots of things for me to decide on. Some of them were not so good and some of them were more like already decided, but my approval was only what was needed.
One thing that I needed to do was make sure that our drug busts and armory busts, guns, and drugs were delivered to the right places. Now Samuel was out of the picture. Colin was busy, so I directed those drugs into my own houses. Even if they would be in pack name, they were mine, and I was not sure if everywhere had been found yet magic houses even. Then I needed to keep my eye on Sark and Damien, too. To try to watch what they were doing and why. A lot to do and important things too, but time was something that I had and a lot too.
I went out to eat whenever I remembered. I knew Salvatores were playing with each other, and so were wolves and men. I didn't really mind. Returning to something I knew and where I could be useful was good. It felt good actually to be able to work and get things moving. Maybe I could go to gigs sometimes too.
And since this was my organization, I had to take care of it myself. I was once again watching satellite feed, same time ordering killers to France to the long list of sniper victims and sending messages to Murdock about Sarks and Damien's last known location. He promised to try to kill both of them as fast as he could.
I noticed suddenly someone coming and putting my laptop in front of my nose. I looked up. It was Damon.
Fine, he looked at me for a moment and said," Are you okay? Do you have any symptoms? Fatigue, loss of appetite?"
I said, "I'm fine. I've been doing a bit of work here. Why do you ask?"
Damon sat down opposite me and said, "I have a protector radar. You haven't eaten nearly enough. You're not sleeping. You're just working. In fact, Mimi, you've been working for two months now. And your enzymes are pretty damn low. There are no reserve enzymes now, and come on, Mimi, come on down to the medbay, and I'll give you a proper check-up. If there's a deficiency that needs to be corrected to get your enzymes up."
My husband didn't give me a choice and looked at me expectantly, then took one of the flank syringes and started twirling it around. I was immediately reminded of how he had kidnapped me in the Azores.
I could see in his eyes that he saw it in my memories, too, and he stood up and said, "Come on, Mimi, I haven't got all day to wait."
At least I didn't have to fear seduction. I stood up, put my table in some sort of order, and followed him.
Damon was tired. He had been fucking Mariella happily when his protector radar began to report Mimi's many problems. She was back to work as usual and not taking care of herself. Fine. It was Mimi's business, and he didn't want or have the energy to get involved right away and knew that if he told Mariella, she would demand he act.
He had given Mimi time to correct the deficiencies to stop working, but no. Then he had told Mariella, and here we were. He was doing something about it. Sometimes Damon wished Charles would be the pack leader and keep Mimi in line, but then again, his cat side wanted to take Mimi under and fuck her pregnant.
He had said nothing to Mariella about it yet, but the need to breed, to make kittens, was growing steadily inside him, and he could feel his body changing and getting ready to be a breeding male. It was, at the same time, exciting and a little terrifying too. For him, an old vampire, there had quite a lot of new instincts come to the surface and some of them were clashing with his vampire side, so it was difficult.
The thought of his and Mariella's babies made some warm feeling stir inside him, and he was surprised himself when the same warm feeling came when he thought of Mimi and her babies. He knew for sure now that they were going to breed and that time was getting closer and closer. He could smell Mimi's changes, too, as her body slowly began to evolve closer to the female carrying her cubs.
The female who would be impregnated. A female whose time of heat had leaped forward. It was coming. And though Damon knew the first heat would not produce offspring, the thought of him breeding Mimi. Mimi firmly beneath him, and him filling her with his sperm, his substances to put her in check, made his feline side purr with satisfaction.
Same time his vampire side wanted to drink Mimi empty just to show her he was still her vampire husband. She should respect and obey him more. And his alpha side wanted to seduce Mimi. Make a den with her, to have cubs and that side saw Mariella almost as a threat from time to time. So Damon had learned to control his alpha side and keep his vampire side happy with his mistress, Mariella.
I then went to the medbay and sat in a chair while Damon took probably 100 tubes of blood from me and examined and groped me through. He looked at the results on the machine now and then, sighed, and came over to me.
He spoke, his doctor's voice, but he was also impatient as this took time away from Mariella. " I can't help your enzymes; they are low, and that affects everything. Your blood count is still within the reference range, but just barely. You could weigh more than 41 kilos, missy, but let it be for now. Try to remember to eat and do more than work. Although I'm not the best talker, no one in this pack is if we've been fucking for about two months. "
Then Damon left to continue this particular activity. I went to turn on the sauna and saw that Adam and Charles were still completely caught up in the wolf sex. Let them be. I was looking forward to a relaxing sauna and then enjoying cream puffs, filled sandwiches, soda, and watching movies. I'd be in my den spending the evening off. You never know if it would inspire me to do something else.
The sauna was perfect. I took the hot steam and enjoyed myself. I started reminiscing about every single shed session. There were a lot of them. I hadn't even processed everything per se, and at one point, quite early on, when Damon took me to the shed, I just tried to let him do what he did, how he would strengthen me. It had been Damon, stabbing, rib crushing by his hands, no stabber or shells.
I realized now how long I was a victim. A victim to shed sessions, to medical facilities, to circumstances. And it has gone nowhere since that Damien stunt. I'm still a victim of the shells. Damien's victim and that's why Charles and Adam are into wolves, because they're not victims.
They haven't been tortured for decades to where something inside them breaks. I don't know why, but I knew I wasn't whole. I wasn't. I hadn't even told Adam or Charles about all the shed sessions, and if indeed Damien was in charge of them, I didn't even know if Damon knew about them. But I wouldn't. They were all there in the black box where I had stuffed all the shit that had been done to me I had been through.
I had lost both Jake and Rob, both of them had loved me. Jake had left his journals for me, some letters, and I had not opened them, nor I would ever. Rob had left something for me, too. It had been heartbreaking to visit each time to their family. Just because I saw so clearly what impact I had had on them. Both of their wives had been very similar to me and both of them had known their husband's devotion to me. Neither of them blamed me. Even I blamed myself.
Damon, well, I was not sure how he saw me. He was not the same as when he had been with me. This side of him never loved me. Not really. The darling side had married me, stabbed me, and controlled me, but never cuddled or been with me in England for that year. He was not saving me from that cellar after Bran had poisoned me and ripped my teeth out. He had not been there for that week when I had been dead.
No, that had been my Damon. the one who did not exist or if he did, it was just a minor part of the whole. Maybe a role. Little like I can take the role of pretender. I should actually call Jarod and talk with him, too. Maybe it would help too. I sat in steam. Let the hot heat envelop me as I was lost in not-so-happy thoughts. I felt actually lonely. I knew no one could understand me. I was just what I was and unique, the one who didn't belong, a freak, an abomination. I had been called by many names and most of them weren't so good.
My losses, those gigs where I had been the executor, ending my friend's lives, not happy memories. All the gigs where I lost someone, were the worst ones when I had to kill fleas. There were four jobs. I'm not even counting the brainwashing victims. But four times, four fucking times, I had to kill my friends. One time, I shot them so Krycheck couldn't get to them.
Three times, we were captured, and everybody knew what was coming. I never wanted to watch another person being slowly tortured to death again. The only way had always been for me to escape my rage on display when I had the chance. But I had to make sure my friend didn't experience torture first.
Although breaking the neck was a neat, quick, and painless ending, it was always as if it were my choice. What if someone could have been saved? One time was like that there were 15 of us. I had just woken up, feeling very nasty, and they poisoned me. All of my friends were being brainwashed or interrogated, tortured, and I was very weak.
There was no hope, and my friends were suffering. So Carlos, my second in command in that gig, told me I needed to kill them all by drinking their blood, so I could get the same time cleaning for myself. They knew it was a painless way to die. You just fall asleep more or less.
God knows I tried to find some other way, but there was none, so I did it, I drained everyone empty, blew my rage out, and escaped, I found a cave where I was two weeks cleaning myself, and then I returned to base, Magnum did not ask anything, he was on his way to the party, fucking party, where the whole pack was, Samuel too. Colin had been in Ireland. He had some crisis there. Mirella and Mimosa were in my mind, resting. They did not have an idea what had happened. I put myself in order, just by myself, with no help.
Adam, Charles, and Damon had no idea how many times I had escaped from various institutions before they had a chance to do me any actual damage. I was a survivor, and escape artist too.
The rage helped. But it was what it was, and the past is something you can't change. I just have to live with my choices every day. It's a heavy burden. It is a burden for the leader. The price I have to pay every so often.
So fucking heavy, but no one else can carry it but me. And maybe everything has a purpose. I just have to be invincible. Ice queen. Flea. And then, every once in a while, I'll get in Charles' or Adam's arms and just be Mimi again for a while. Then, I don't have to be invincible or strong. You just have to be.
Damon sees me as a flea, a survivor, a winner, someone to whom nothing feels like nothing. I've seen and heard him talk about me to Mariela. He talks about my armor several times. This version of him doesn't get me, not like my Damon did. He got me to open up. Even something bad had happened, but not this one. Even he makes me feel safe so I can sleep with him, or he fucks my brains out. He is not the same. He knows it himself too.
To him, my armor is something that he sees as a bad thing. I have no idea why. My armor is there for a reason. As if that helps anything all the time. It's just my outer shell so I can function and this whole time has been one fucking adjustment. I just have to be that way when he sees me.
Because he doesn't think I'm anything else. In his eyes, I can lie about who or what I am when I'm a pretender. I had only been working for a couple of days, and I went to grab a bite to eat. I walked through one corridor and one door was ajar. I heard voices and as we had carpets on the floor in the wing; it was silent to walk.
The couple was lying in bed talking, and Damon said to Mariela, " You see, darling, I don't know or recognize Mimi. None of us do. She's a pretender and doesn't show anybody who she is. I've known it for a long time. I just realized it now. Maybe that's why we didn't always spend time together, because, on some level, I didn't even know who she was or if she was real. I've seen her in her pretend role, and I can tell you she's believable. That's why it's better to try to let go of Mimi. "
Mariella looked at Damon for a moment and said, " There's nothing wrong with Damon if you let Mimi go, but you have to be sure. Because she'll be with Adam and Charles then. I know she's still your alpha and I'll never get us separated. Never. She'll never come between us. There's no fear of that now. At first, I was unsure about her, but now I see clearly. There is nothing to worry about. She is no threat to our love. Because she had no love for you, as I have. She is, like you said, a pretender. She has a role on all the time and I suspect that she has a role on even with Adam and Charles too."
Damon said, "I am tired of chasing ghosts, the woman I thought I had and now I have learned to see that there is no Mimi. Not that I remembered. She is fake, nothing. She is not a woman. I can keep her as an alpha female, but she is not my woman. You are my darling, my woman."
I had walked away. They say that when you eavesdrop, you rarely hear flattering things about yourself. That's true, too. But I hid it in my mind, so well hidden that Damon couldn't find it. That's why I concentrated on my work. Not my feelings, my work. My work was my life. It had been some time, and it was better this way.
It's good to know that I was the reason Damon wasn't always home or why he went away. This is the kind of thing I can't fix, because none of my convincing is going to help if a strong fucking telepath believes that. He was not in my mind, not at all and he had not been in there, not since they took that information on panels out of my mind. It was a brutal, cold shower of reality that I had heard in that time and it was it was.
You just have to be objective; if there's some alpha male thing going on, it's just sex. I have already made that clear to myself. We fucked, and that's it. There will be no lying on top of each other or cuddling. Just sex. What Damon used to do with other women when he was with me?
The fact that when Damon took Mariela, the strangers' fucking stopped there has probably been the biggest barrier between us all these years, even if Damon hasn't noticed it himself. But when I saw he was able and faithful and easily worshipping Mariella, it again broke something between us, and to this day, it may not have been mended. I don't know if it's me or if it's Damon, but I never brought it up. I probably won't because it doesn't help or anything.
The sauna was lovely, and I could reflect and turn my thoughts and memories over again in peace. After the sauna, I went to one den to watch Marvel movies and eat some treats. I was drinking lemonade.
I ate as I should and drank a lot of coffee and Coca-Cola, but now and then, I indulged. Tomorrow, I will go back to work. There were a few clues about underground medical facilities, and then I tried to keep an eye on Damien, gathering information about nano molecules. I have my own life and I do what I can and when I can. Maybe I could soon go to gigs too.
Everything. Slowly, as I watched the movies, I realized that this pack life wasn't as hard as I thought. I'll be fine if I get some peace of mind.
Then I got on with my work, and a week later, Damon came to bother me again and take a blood test to check my enzymes. I had just sent a gigantic pile of targets because I had watched those satellites feed and found good evidence that there was shady business going on. I saw Damon as a doctor now, not a husband, not an alpha, not a pack leader, but just a doctor.
He said, "You could do with something more than being glued to work for a change, Mimi. I'll find a solution to that. Look, Mimi, you can't work when you're pregnant or have little kittens. "
I looked at my husband long and steadily and said, "I don't think, Damon, it will happen immediately. We have these shells. There can be infections, and secondly, you don't want me. You're letting me go. You see, we have pretty thin doors here, and if they're not closed, you never know what you're going to hear. I am, after all, A fake and not your woman."
Damon looked at me for a moment, collected the blood tubes, and left. The results were not acute because I didn't hear anything from him.
When Damon returned with just Mimi's blood tubes, Mariella sighed. Mimi has said something again that has made Damon back off completely. Once again.
And it took her so long to convince Damon to take Mimi's blood and check on her. And the way Damon now looks at this point is that like he just wants to go fucking and violently. Mariella put the tubes in the machine and figured they'd see the results at some point.
She let Damon take her to the now public side in one bedroom and shut the door. After they had fucked, after a wild week, Damon said, "Mimi heard everything I said about her, how I let go. She heard. And she was right that we probably won't be breeding for a long time, at least not until I get these shells off you."
Mariella said, "So what if Mimi heard? Then she did. Mimi has now taken an attitude towards you that you always speak the truth, and that's the whole truth, and you don't change your mind, but that's not the case. None of us will ever stand by an opinion all the time. Mimi just has to learn it somewhere along the line. Now, dear Damon, will you look at the results of Mimi?"
Damon said, " But Darling, I was telling the truth. I was blunt about it but I haven't changed my mind. She is not my woman, and it is just what it is. You darling, you can say the right things, but she got hurt once again by me. I can be a doctor, so I'll look at the results. Hmm... not good, not at all. Now, darling, I still don't know how to get those enzymes up, as they've dropped even lower again. Soon, they'll start affecting other values. "
Mariella said, " What idea, honey, you have? I can see from your expression that you have something to do with this, but what?"
Damon was silent for a moment and said, "Platinum to liver. Last time, Mimi told us how to boost the production of the enzyme, but there must be no pain relief, no pain relief at all if we want it to work in sufficient time. Mimi must not be around Adam or Charles because they would help, and then there would be no enzyme again. But knowing that my radar is going to go haywire and it can be a pretty damn difficult time, the heat won't come on until there's enough enzyme. It's a tricky thing."
Mariella said, "Let's send Mimi to another house for a week or two. Then we'll see how it goes and take the platinum out of the liver."
Damon replied, " That might work. Fine, I'll invite the lady to medbay. I've got some platinum right there, ready to go. We can then swap places when Mimi goes away, and you can explore another house."
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