Capítulo 78: Home sweet home.
Walking through the forest Naruko raised an eyebrow before quickly substituting herself with a clone. Within a second she was travelling alone away from her team, with none of them even sensing she had left. 'What potent chakra.' Silently darting through the trees, her feet didn't make a single sound even as she stepped on tree branches and lept from them. A minute later she landed and held a crouched position, eyes darting around. 'Where did- DODGE!'
With the wisdom of Piccolo, she jumped off the branch and onto another, only for her eyes to widen as a fist slammed into the tree she had just been on, turning it into pure sawdust. 'Meep.' Doing a backflip off her new branch, she'd go through hand signs only for a blonde missile to slam into her stomach feet first.
"OOPH!" BOOM! Inside a freshly made crater in the ground, smoke drifted off of Naruko and her limbs twitched and spasmed. "Whyyyyyyyyy."
"Doing stupid shit gets you stupid prizes." Standing above Naruko with her hands on her hips was Tsunade Senju herself, with a mighty mean glare on her face. "What part of FORBIDDEN do you not get? F.O.R.B.I.D.D.E.N. as in, don't use. Or you lose usage of your arms!"
Naruko groaned in pain, but pulled herself up, the dent in her stomach and chest visibly healing itself. "But I had to!"
A perfect blonde eyebrow raised. "Really. You had to use a Forbidden Jutsu ten times? To deal with a few Jonin and some Chunin?"
Naruko shook her head. "Nope! I had to do it so I could make sure they died! They had a Yuki clan member with them that could practically teleport. I coulda dealt with those cannon fodder super easily without him? her? I don't know. Maybe it's just a fe-"
Cutting Naruko off Tsunade would huff angrily. "Fine. I'll unwillingly trust your judgment. Now give me your arms, let's see if I can't help speed up the process." In response, Naruko would look at the sky and start humming slightly. "What did you do?" Naruko shifted slightly humming faster. A heavy stomp caused the ground to shake.
"Ack! Fine, fine. Uh, it's not just my arms, but my entire body? It's not painful, it's just... tingling." In response, Tsunade picked her up like a log and started to march away. "Ah! What the hell granny you old hag! I have human rights! The power of Democracy! The right to bear arms!"
"Shut up brat! I'm taking you back to my tent so I can inspect you properly. Treat your health seriously for once and let me do my job."
"Well, actually your job is too-" A hand slammed into the back of Naruko's head. "Eep! Fine, I'll stop. Damn granny, you didn't have to hit me so hard, y'know?"
-An hour later-
Sitting in only her bra and a pair of pants Naruko stared at the pacing Tsunade. "That doesn't look good?"
There was a groan of frustration before Tsunade pulled at her own hair. "Have you never had a medical check-up before?"
"Nooooooo?" Naruko sheepishly shrugged. "I don't really like doctors." 'Somehow those that heal can also show the most scorn.'
"You should be dead, and I don't even mean the small amount of nerve damage you have across your body! Your cells are rapidly changing and mutating. Every single moment strand by strand your entire body is shifting. It shouldn't be possible to still exist." Stopping her pacing Tsunade would glare, "That's not even taking into account the fact that your chakra coils show consistent and long-term strain and that there's so much chakra in your system your body looks like it's about to burst. Or the fact that your leg muscles should just be outright impossible to have, yet somehow don't show at all on your body, unlike the Raikage."
Taking that all in, Naruko blinked a few times. "I don't know how to respond to that, besides - I'm Ninja Jesus?"
"What does that even mean?!?"
Naruko shrugged. "Anyways, to take that all in order. Anything you can do about the nerve damage? No idea why my cells are rapidly mutating, y'know? Could be a Jinchuriki thing? Or maybe a Monkey Summoner + Kyuubi Jinchuriki thing? Also again - Kyuubi Jinchuriki thing with the whole chakra. As for my leg muscles, every single ninja is a shapeshifter with henge. It's not my fault everyone is so useless as to not be able to subconsciously manipulate their body."
Tsunade just groaned into her hands. "Why did I expect you to give me actual answers?" 'Because you had hoped I'd tell the truth? Which to be fair, I usually would, but uh, sorry I'm not gonna tell you that I-'
-Flashback-
'No. I'm not allowing this.' Naruko shrugged. 'Too bad, I'm doing it.' 'I won't have you ingesting Uchiha DNA!' Her face twitched slightly. 'Phrasing.' Ever so gently, she'd SLAM Sasuke in the back of his head. Of course - he was already sleeping, so there was no reaction. 'At least you're brutalizing him before doing it. Good. Now slit his throat and walk away without swallowing anything.' 'Again, phrasing. But no.' Pulling out a Kunai she'd gently insert the very tip of it into Sasuke's neck, causing a pool of blood to spout out. At the same time, her second hand came up, and she chomped on a finger. 'See, if they only listened to you, people would think I have a kink for this. When in reality... yeah, I got nothing. This is weird as fuck.'
Shoving her finger into Sasuke's mouth, she pulled the tip of the Kunai out and licked it. 'Listen, it's not what it looks like! I'm not doing it because he's a Uchiha. I'm doing it because he has Indra's chakra!' 'THAT MAKES IT WORSE!' Swallowing the blood, with far too much ease she began to massage Sasuke's throat. 'Now, last step.' Naruko's hand glowed yellow as she began to absorb his chakra, while at the same time, her other hand resting on his stomach began to pump the same amount of chakra she had absorbed into him.
-Flashback End-
With a grin on her face, Naruko calmly said, "I have no idea why my cells would be rapidly mutating, and it's clearly because I'm not Ninja Jesus."
Tsunade would sigh. "Whatever, I'll see what I can do to heal the nerve damage and your chakra coils. Just don't do this again, or even I won't be able to help you."
"Yes, mam!"
Rolling her eyes Tsunade reached forward hands glowing green. "Now this will hurt, a lot."
"FuCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!"
-Back on the road-
"Alright team, we're about to reach Konoha. Remember - keep your verbal report succinct but filled with the actually important details. Leave all the tiny little nitty gritty to the written one. Understood?"
"Yes, Sensei!"
"Alright, also remember. Don't look confused at the fact that Kotetsu and Izumo are there to greet you again. Don't question it. Don't look into their eyes for too long, and also don't try to prod their chakra to figure out if their in a henge."
"Sensei?" Sakura would look confused, but Naruko simply shuddered.
"Just listen to what I have to say, and we'll be alright." Rounding a corner, they'd finally catch sight of Konoha, alongside the obviously drastically increased traffic coming in and out of the gate, alongside spotting-filled streets. "Aah, home sweet home."
"You're not gonna react to the drastic change?!?" Hearing Sakura's shout Naruko would shrug, Sasuke would grunt, and Sai would look up from his scroll.
"Did you say something forehead?"
PENSAMENTOS DOS CRIADORES 
BalancedSelfInsert
BalancedSelfInsert Homeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Also, the 2nd fic has been released! I looked at all the replies and decided on Ice Phoenix Elf. Partially because some banging Ice Phoenix Elf AI Art was seen and made, and it hyped me the fuck up. Anyways, thanks for reading and all the powerstones, collections, comments, replies, etc!
I hope y'all enjoy these slightly less serious chapters, even when they drop bombs like this one did. (This chapter unironically took half of the time to write then average for the wave chapters, and I actually enjoyed doing it. Fuck wave.)
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