Capítulo 28: Chapter Seven: Regrets
THE DAY WAS GOING NORMAL FOR THE group of Gryffindor students as they went about their daily routines. After everyone woke up just as normal, Iris and Marlene having a bit of trouble doing so, they met up with the boys and headed down for breakfast.
So they went about their normal routines. James annoyed Lily from time to time, while Sirius and Iris were quite nearly attached at the hip, Wendy and Remus discussed their school assignments and Marlene stuffed her face full of food. Peter wasn't sure what to do, so he just sat there and listened to his friends while also eating. Poor little Peter Pettigrew, always left in the dust.
Breakfast came to a satisfying end, at least in Iris' opinion since she got to eat some of her favorite breakfast food. Which is just about anything and everything. Though besides that, the teens all headed out for their first class of the day.
There was one thing that Iris noticed today; Lily was sticking to her side. Now that's not that surprising since they usually are around each other a lot. It helps that they're in the same house and in the same classes and all, but it was extremely obvious today. Everyone noticed it. Though no one questioned it, at least out loud. They shared some questioning looks with each other, but didn't want to say anything in case they said something to set her off. So nobody commented on it and just watched her go about her day nearly glued to Iris' side.
Lily wasn't talking about why she was doing it either. So they tried to disregard it to the best of their ability. Marlene and Wendy tried to distract her with things like homework assignments and such. Though that didn't work. Not even James flirting attempts completely distracted her from her sister. Lily wasn't saying or acting any stranger, it was just that she was sitting next to her sister at all times. She seemed to try and keep Iris within arms length.
To say that Iris was a bit annoyed by it is understandable. Iris is used to having some sort of distance between herself and Lily. They're twins, yes, but they were never stuck at the hip like Lily is today. So the sudden closeness is both confusing and concerning to her.
Eventually, it was break time in between periods and Sirius and Iris had gone off to spend some time together. However, as if she were a shadow, Lily tagged along with them. Neither Sirius or Iris completely minded her being around… though they would rather be alone together. So while the warm sun gazed down on the courtyard, the three were lounging around. Iris was obviously in Sirius' arms while Lily sat close by.
At one point, Iris started to get a little curious as to why her sister was following her around instead of heading off to the library as usual. "Not that I don't love you, Lil," she commented as she stared at her sister with a raised eyebrow, "but you're a tad bit… clingier today."
The other redhead tried to act surprised, but Iris could see right through it. Lily flashed her a wobbly smile, "Really?"
"Any reason why?" Iris' eyebrow rose even further, nearly disappearing behind her ruby bangs.
Lily's smile wobbled even more as she tried to stutter out an answer, "Oh, uh no, no real reason. I'd just like to hang out with my sister, is all."
They were silent for a moment. Lily was internally cringing, realizing that Iris saw through her. Meanwhile, Iris and Sirius shared a look with each other. "Hmm, yes, you usually like to do that from time to time." Iris commented, "But you've been stuck to my side all day, Lil. Is something wrong?"
She knows her sister far too well to just believe her straight up. When Lily is worried or upset about something, she'll become jittery or try to distract herself with something else. Most of the time that distraction is school related. This time it seems like it's more revolved around Iris for some reason. Something was bothering Lily so much that she couldn't be too far away from Iris. She already had Sirius with her nearly every moment for everyday, now she also has Lily sticking to her too. Iris loves them both, but she would really appreciate only having one of them following her around, thanks.
Not only that, but Lily was willing to hang around her and Sirius. Since the couple is quite open about their relationship and quite like pda. Lily hasn't been a fan of being around it. However, she seemed to be baring through it just to stay close to Iris. Today was just full of surprises it seemed.
"Of course not!" Lily exclaimed, unconvincingly.
Iris took in the far too cheery answer with her wide smile as a sign that Lily was lying. She turned to her boyfriend, who also looked a bit confused as well, "Sirius, can you give us a moment?"
"Alone?" He grunted in dissatisfaction, not liking the sound of leaving her by herself. Even if she was with her sister, it still didn't sit right in his chest to leave her side.
"Yes," she drawled out in amusement, "that's what that means."
His grey eyes portrayed his anxiety with the idea as they started to become stormy. He bit his lip, "I don't know…"
Iris sighed heavily and ran one of her dainty hands through her boyfriend's lushus hair. "Darling, I'm with my sister. You can leave us alone for a couple of minutes." She flashed him her wide brown eyes and a soft smile, "Please?"
It took only a moment for Sirius to melt under her stare as he sighed heavily, "Oh, fine. I can't say no to you, love." They share a kiss that was only meant to be short and sweet, but Sirius certainly tried to deepen it. As much as Iris would have been glad to continue on with it, but the reminder that her sister was there and obviously disturbed by something caused her to pull away.
"Mhm, don't I know it," Iris smirked as she pushed his chest lightly. Reluctantly, Sirius headed off with some last fleeting glances. Though he left the sisters alone and headed off, no doubt to find his other friends to pull some pranks on some unsuspecting classmates. Just to take his mind off of the fact that his girlfriend wasn't in his arms. Iris turned to her sister now that they were alone, "All right, Lily, tell me what's going on with you."
Lily shook her head, trying to keep up the mask of her being all right. "It's nothing, Iris!"
That certainly wasn't getting past Iris in the slightest. The subtle wobbling of her lip and the corners of her eyes starting to turn a little watery were not good signs. Iris huffed lightly, "It doesn't sound like nothing especially when you're not letting me out of your sight for more than five minutes!"
"I… I-"
Iris grabbed her sister's hands, growing even more concerned when she could feel how clammy they were and that they were shaking a bit. Her features twisted in concern, "You can be honest with me Lily, okay?" She stared into her sister's eyes with a hard expression, not wavering in the slightest, "I'm being serious here. I'm never usually serious about anything, but I'm being serious now because something is bothering you, like a lot and I want to know what it is." She implored her sister with a desperate expression, trying to convey just how much she wanted to know what was bothering her twin. "So just tell me."
They were quiet for a long moment as Lily's lips started to tremble. She suddenly broke out into a sob as she grabbed Iris into a tight hug. "I'm sorry," she choked out between her heart wrenching cries, "I'm so so sorry, Iris."
"Wh-what?" Iris grabbed at her sister, hugging her tightly. The tears that started to drip out of her sister's green eyes started to pool on her shoulder. Iris isn't that great when it comes to people who cry, but she certainly would try for her twin. She started to rub circles on her sister's shaking back to try and soothe her, since it's what their mother always did when one of them cried. "Hey, why are you crying? You know I don't do well with tears, Lily. Come on, tell me what's wrong."
The twins sat there like that for a while as Lily shook in her sister's arms. The guilt that had been building up in her for so long. It certainly had now overflowed and spilled out of her with little control. After the other day, it seemed like the revelation that Severus had a part in what happened to Iris had brought up the thought to her that she also played a part. He may have been the one to make the potion and tried to give it to Iris. But Lily was the one who encouraged Iris to use it, was the one to physically force it on her, so she was just as complacent with the plan. Sure she didn't know that there were any nefarious plans, but she should have done something. She is one of the smartest witches at Hogwarts, she should have seen it!
Sniffling, Lily finally pulled herself far away enough to look at Iris. Though she still kept Iris within her hold. She cleared her throat to try and get rid of the lump in her throat, "I trusted Snape for so long, I thought that he was our friend. I helped him…" Tears leaked out of her eyes as regret swam in their crystal pools. She didn't even look up at her sister, too ashamed to look her in the eyes. "I helped him hurt you."
"Lil, it's fine." She sighed heavily and ran a hand through her hair, "Okay. He manipulated both of us. You didn't plan for any of those…" She gulped, "things to happen to me. Alright?"
Lily shook her head defiantly, "But that still doesn't mean I wasn't an accomplice."
It seemed like Iris was going to have a bit of a hard time getting through to her sister about Lily's involvement in what had happened. Iris knows that Lily didn't want anything to happen to her. Lily couldn't ever have guessed that the one person that they trusted so heavily would do something like he had. The deception on his part had certainly shook them to their core and now, they were starting to question just how much they were manipulated. It is going to haunt them. Not only the betrayal from Severus but also the trauma Iris experienced at the boys' hands.
The "perfume" should have been a give away in some way to either of the twins. While Snivillus had given the girls gifts like any good friend does, perfume is not one of them considering Iris isn't the type of girl to usually wear it. Though why would they ever think that the boy they viewed as one of their best friends would ever hurt them in this way? Iris would never place blame on Lily for what had happened. How could she, when she knows Lily would never hurt her, ever.
"No, Lily, I'm not gonna let you do this," Iris continued to say in a strong voice. "Do not blame yourself for anything that happened last year."
Lily shook her head, still trying to be defiant and not listen to her sister. Her stubbornness was going to be a bit of an issue to deal with in this situation, "Iris-"
"Lily, stop," Iris said firmly and grabbed hold of her sister's shoulders, cutting her sister off before she could say anything. "You're my twin, and I know that you would never hurt me or anything ever. Just like how I wouldn't hurt you. So don't feel guilty or anything about that. You were manipulated, not coerced or willing to go with it. You're a victim just like I was." Lily was silent as she took in the words. Every once in a while she sniffled while rubbing at her puffy eyes. Iris sighed heavily, running a slightly shaky hand through her hair. She doesn't usually get solemn like this. However, the time called for it. She wasn't going to let her sister get depressed or blame herself about any of this. She groaned, "Ugh, I'm done with serious stuff. So just agree that you're not at fault and let's head in. I think Sirius is going to have a stroke being away from me for too long." While Iris wants to convince her sister that Lily has no part in last year's incident, she also didn't want to think back on it. Remembering how she was taken advantage of is terrifying for Iris. Not only that, but even though what those boys had done to her was unavoidable, it wasn't completely obvious as to why they did it. She could really only theorize as to why they focused on her and why they controlled her in such a manner.
She shook her head at that, shaking the thought out of her head. In order to move on, she has to forget about it. No need to linger on the things that happened last year, in her opinion. Time to move on and forget what had occurred. Though it may do her some good to… talk through it. However, is she going to be the one to admit how she might just be traumatized by it, no. Of course not. It may bubble up at some point, until then Iris is more than happy to live in blissful ignorance until it comes crashing down upon her.
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Severus truly is an idiot. There's not that much of a debate about that. After everything that's happened in the past year, he has proven to be a stupid, stupid boy. He has now made plenty of terrible mistakes. The first was obviously helping those snakes to manipulate his best friends and hurting Iris. Second, calling the twins 'Mudbloods' was the worst thing he could have done after all that. He lost their trust and completely burned any lingering relationship that he might have had with them.
He only has himself to blame. He felt the pressure of being looked down upon by the other members of his house, how pathetic they thought he was. Well, they're not wrong, huh? He's weak enough to crumble under even the little pressure that came from classmates that he really shouldn't care about.
The past few days after that incident, things had certainly grown gloomy for poor Severus. He's become target number one for the Marauders to torment on a daily basis. Sure beforehand, Severus had been mercilly bullied and teased by the group of boys for a long while. However, it's gotten worse now because of what happened. He had to keep an eye out for them at every moment to make sure that they didn't ambush him or catch him at any moment.
Obviously they came to find out about what he had said. It was inevitable, really. The girls were no doubt going to tell their friends about what he had done. Especially Sirius and James. They no longer had any ties to him to keep him… protected from them. He was going to face their friends head on without either of the twins going to keep him out of their war path.
Though he didn't mean what he said, not truly. It was a… heat of the moment kind of thing. It certainly wasn't out of any sort of malicious intent. He didn't really mean what he said at all! How could he, after all. Iris is like his sister and Lily is… well, the love of his life. How could he ever mean to hurt either of them? It was just a slip of the tongue, a lapse in judgment that he did not mean in the slightest. Truly, he convinced himself, he didn't do it to hurt them. They could understand that, couldn't they? Well… most likely not.
So here he was, for the nth day in a row mourning for the friendship that he once had. He had more or less barricaded himself in his dorm room. He tried to avoid all of his other housemates, as usual, and really only left his room for meals and his classes. Other than that he always rushed back to his room where he shut the drapes around his bed to isolate himself. His school life had become significantly worse.
He buried his head into his potions book, studying and trying to distract himself from his thoughts. It wasn't really working, however. The reminder of what he had done, his own voice echoing in his head with those terrible words, was gnawing away at the back of his mind. It was eating away at his thoughts until it was all that he could ponder on.
Severus has lost the two people in his life that he genuinely loves. Of course, he could never truly stop loving either of them. Iris will forever be his annoying sister who pranked him whenever she could and teased him about every little thing. Lily will forever be the girl who holds his heart and will be the love of his life. There's no changing that. Though from their view, it has changed. They are no longer his friends, they hate him. Most likely they will hate him for the rest of their lives.
There's no redemption for him. No way in Hell. In his mind, he's truly set himself up for damnation in the eyes of the twins. He wiped at his pale cheeks, tears now rolling down them. Severus has forgotten just how many times he's cried over this. The boy truly is mournful over this. Over the loss of his greatest friends.
For what? He gave up Iris and Lily the moment he went along with Regulus and Lucius' plans. Severus let fear get to him. He wasn't courageous enough to stand up to them, to tell the girls what was happening, or to even go to a professor.
Though was it truly just that? He did what they wanted to keep the girls safe. Severus knows the extent of the power that the Black family and Malfoy family have. If he were to not do what they had said, there's no doubt in his mind that Regulus and Lucius would have not only taken their frustration out on him but also hurt the girls. So was it so bad that he just wanted to make sure they were safe? Perhaps there could have been other ways to do it, but it's not like he knew exactly what they were trying to do. So how could he know that by helping them he was just hurting Iris.
In his mind, it was a logical thought to have. Even if to anyone else it was nothing but an excuse for him to take all the blame off of himself. No matter what it was for, it certainly was doing enough to convince Severus that it wasn't as bad as originally thought. So how could they blame him?
He roughly rubbed at his eyes and tossed his book to the side. Now fully downing in his rampant thoughts about what was happening. He couldn't think that it was truly his fault. Yes, he must admit that he played a part in what had happened. He can take some responsibility for what has happened. However, the true causes for this were Sirius and Regulus. Severus had finally come to find what really drove them all down this path.
It was Regulus' pettiness that brought about the idea in the first place. Sure, Severus doesn't have definitive proof that this could truly be it, but he has enough insight to theorize. Anyway, he believed that Regulus was… envious of his brother, perhaps just plain hateful towards him. Add in the fact that Sirius had become so smitten with this muggle-born girl, Regulus thought up a plan. Severus could only think that Regulus went to Lucius with the lure of impressing their families with how they could tourture a mudblood. They then recruited Severus, well more like blackmailed him into it, and forced him to make the potion. He knew the effects that they were looking for. A sort of imperious curse in potion form. Since they were students under constant supervision from professors and the ministry of magic. A potion would go undetected. And who better to test it out on then a mudblood who Regulus' brother had grown attached to. What better way to hurt his brother than targeting her!
So really… It's Sirius' fault, isn't it? In Severus' mind, in hopes to take as much blame off of himself, he started to concoct an idea. If there wasn't such animosity between the brothers, then everything that happened last year would not have come to pass. If Sirius, and by extension, the Marauders. No surprise there, the Marauders have been a source of Severus' issues for years! They had drawn targets on their backs, as well as anyone who was close to them. They've pranked plenty of people at Hogwarts, so to see someone try to get back at them through their own friends shouldn't be that surprising.
Did Severus just end up convincing himself, after many days of wallowing in his own self pity, that he had little to no accountability in what had happened? Pretty much. Really it was just a cause and effect between Sirius, the Marauders, and Regulus. Truly, in his mind, Severus had little to nothing to do with it. If anything, he was a victim as well.
Oh, how delusional he is.
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