Capítulo 60: Chapter 58
" Stevens.."
His voice from the other side was husky. A finely aged wine that had an undertone of smoothness, but which was mostly overtaken by this hard and attractive depth. I gripped onto my phone much tighter, imagining he was actually next to me and getting mad when I realized he really wasn't. So I maintained my silence, needing to hear him talk and say something else.
" You there?"
It's like he was tired and needed to sleep, or maybe he had just woken up not too long ago.
" Kyle?" I was forced to let out my breath, I had been holding it in for too long. Then I gazed around the store as I tried to think past my recently surfaced anger. I couldn't understand it myself, all I knew was that he had a choice to come back and he was choosing not to do so. There was literally no one forcing him to stay away, but he seemed perfectly okay with it.
" Talk. "
His tone implied he knew for a fact that I was there, listening. And that I was intentionally keeping quiet. I placed my elbow on the counter and fisted my hand in my hair, I didn't want to be thinking like that, to act like that! But he was driving me nuts and I wasn't used to being in such situations. My lack of prior experience in that field was a major disadvantage because I was constantly in a fight against myself. It was like I could feel those feeling I had for him as they evolved,morphed themselves into something way out of my control. And I had no clue what I was supposed to do about it.
" Hey, " I finally said. My throat felt dry all of a sudden and I wrapped an unconscious hand around my neck, he was turning me into some madman simply because I missed him. How was that normal?
" What's wrong? "
" Nothing's wrong, I was just studying for a test. "
" Oh. "
His voice lacked the normal enthusiasm I was used to. I could tell he was tired, I hadn't been making things up.
" Did you get my delivery?"
" Yeah. You didn't have to. "
" I know, but I wanted to. "
" You sound tired, haven't you been sleeping?"
Was I underestimating what he was going through? Perhaps it was much more serious than I thought and I wasn't even aware. And he had gone away to wallow in his sadness all by himself... without me.
" Austin where are you?" I asked before he replied my previous question. My tone carried both impatience and worry. He chuckled lightly and told me we'd already gone through all that and had agreed to let the matter be.
" Then when are you coming back? Please don't say you don't know, "
" You sound stressed, what's stressing you out? Is it school?"
" We weren't talking about me. When Austin?"
" What will you offer me in exchange for this information?"
" Not the time. "
" It's always the time. Give me a nice deal, tempt me. Let's see if I'll be willing to bite, "
" You're completely fine, aren't you? "
I'm not sure what got him silent. I'm guessing it was the blame in my tone. As if I were accusing him of something, he asked me what I meant and I told him to let it be. But in all honesty, I didn't want to let it be, there was no way I was willing to just let it go like that. He had to know what he was doing to me, that he was responsible for my current cursed state and that I wished he'd stop it already. And so I went on talking a few seconds after telling him to just let it be.
" How can you not know what you're doing to me?"
" Stevens?"
" God! Whether or not I like you has never been an issue, we both know that's true! So how can you just disappear off like that and expect me to be okay with it?"
" Whoa, calm-"
" Stay there for as long as you wish then. I have a test to study for..bye, " I cut the call, feeling as if all my courage had been used up on those words. But I had said what I wished to, it was now up to him to decide. I was going to try my absolute best to not think about him, it was close to impossible, but I had to do it. I read for a while, the customer came by to pick up her album and I gave it to her. Some more customers came in and I tended to them, and afterwards, I sat down and started eating the food he had bought. I suppose it was a sweet gesture, and it was nice to know I was always in his mind even though he wasn't around. And I was halfway done when my phone started ringing. My heart did the same thing it always did whenever his name flashed across my screen, it thudded in the most scary manner. The simple letters of his name affected me in the most raw physical ways, there was no way to deny that. I picked the call, and he did the same thing I had done to him. There was a long stretch of silence, but it felt as if he had something serious to say and was wondering how to go about it.
" It kills me that I can't hold you Kyle. " .
With the unexpected words, my eyes widened and I sat up much straighter. I could feel his honesty and it mattered more to me than anything else. He didn't joke around when it came to matters of the heart and he was going to let me see that. I didn't even know what to say so I just kept quiet, I had invited that trouble all by myself and there no one else that could help with my state.
" I want you, you know I do. I close my eyes and you take over completely,!"
Such things weren't to be said over the phone while he was in some secret place.The good thing was that with him, I would always feel like staying, he made me want to overcome even the most uncomfortable of situations if it meant talking to him. Just talk was enough for me, I secretly wanted more, but just the talking was a pretty good start.
" I'm not used to this at all, I hate feeling like this!"
" Like what?"
" Like I can't fucking reach you! " I groaned out my frustration, then I placed a palm on my forehead and asked him to forget it, it was my defense mechanism in a way. I'd say serious and deep things and then I'd just try to pass them off as no big deal. Even though I knew it was going to fail horribly since he knew me too well, or perhaps that' why I did it. I knew he'd feel my honesty because it was one of his skills.
" I love you Stevens, "
My eyes closed on hearing that, how long had it been since I heard those words so raw from his own lips? And why did they sound so much different now that we were older? He had been the first one to tell me that he loved me. We had been ten and he asked me why we couldn't tell each other that, he said it was completely normal between friends and so he was going to tell me everytime we met and I'd best respond how he wished I would. A joke I had always wished to take seriously.
Austin was literally the first person I had ever said 'I love you' to. He had been the first one to ever tell me that as well. But that had been playful and childish, despite it being true, it hadn't carried the heaviness his current words did.
" Did you hear that?"
" Mmh,"
" You'll say it back when I return?"
I smiled to myself, realizing that he might have been serious about coming back,and because I wasn't going to either pretend or take any chances, I told him that I would. I could tell him over the phone as well,but he didn't want that. He was always trying to elevate things, to take them to another level that was going to leave me wondering what was happening and who I was exactly. I asked him why he sounded so tired and as expected, he skidded around the answer without really saying anything, and a while later I ended the call and asked him to go get some rest. I wished I could get some as well, but I had to work. But even long after the call ended, those words kept coursing through my mind. Him saying something like that was a huge deal, especially because I now knew he didn't mean them in the innocent way I had once imagined. But first I had to see him, if he prolonged his absence by one more day I didn't even know what I'd do. But he'd definitely be in trouble.
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After work, I had immediately gone home, I felt drained. All I wanted to do was be back in my room, under my covers so that I could close my eyes and get some rest. The walk from the store somehow felt much longer than usual, and it was colder as well. There weren't as many loud noises as usual and I was a bit surprised since they were always at their peak on Fridays, with everyone being excited about the weekend. I hurried home, feeling conscious for the very first time, and I only relaxed when I got to the apartment building and began going up the stairs. But then I got home and my entire mood was deflated all over again. My mom was in there with Timmy and this other guy I had seen around the neighborhood a couple of times. They were playing cards in the living room, some low music was playing from someone's phone and the entire house smelt like weed. The last part angered me more than anything, especially when I coupled it with the fact that she was also drinking. they had bought a bottle of whiskey or something ad they were sharing it amongst themselves, I felt instantly sick just being in there. Timmy shot his eyes to me when I walked in, then he scoffed and shook his head. The other guy said hi in a manner which implied he had done it out of necessity that anything else, and my mom.... she actually smiled when she saw me, then she excitedly waved in my direction before laughing for no apparent reason.
" Guy's! My son's home!" She announced in a drunken tone, looking dizzy and worn out. That version of her was actually worse than if she had ignored or insulted me. I knew it quite well, she'd act all happy and nice, and then I'd say one thing to her and she'd lash out for literally no reason. Like she had been waiting for the sound of my voice to trigger her. I had pulled her out of similar situations enough times to know that it wasn't worth it. You couldn't reason with her, you couldn't stop her from doing whatever she felt like doing and if you tried you were going to be the one suffering.
And because I was sleepy and still had work the following day, I set straight for my bedroom. The good thing was that she was home and I wouldn't have to constantly worry about where she was or what she was doing. And she was a grown woman, she had always been one. She could make her own choices, she very clearly knew which ones were right and which ones weren't. It wasn't my fault that she always chose the wrong ones.
" My son! " She declared once more in her drunken daze as I passed by. Lifting up the bottle to her lips and taking a sip of the alcohol. Growing up with my mom had made me develop a burning hatred for either alcohol or drugs. I just couldn't stand them, I knew that sometimes people simply used them for fun and they knew their limits and what not to do, but still. I just didn't like them. I ignored her company completely, keeping my mouth shut and heading straight to my room. And once I got there I shut the door behind me and fell backwards onto my bed, I didn't even want to move after that. Why did I feel as if I had too much in my head? I thought of all the things I had to get done and it was as if I was going to go crazy since there were too many things. The trio in the other room started laughing and chatting loudly, and it would have probably bothered me had I not been too tired to care. I sighed and stood up, then I quickly freshened up and got into bed, sinking under the covers and closing my eyes, I didn't even realize it when I fell asleep.
AUSTIN'S POV
What the actual hell was I even doing? And where had I gotten the crazy thought to do it in the first place? It had been fun at first, I wanted to prolong my father's suffering by making him wonder where I was, and my goal had been one week at least. It felt like long enough, but then that morning I had women up in that same motel and realized that the satisfaction I had expected to experience was completely absent, there were utterly no traces of it. I was just bored and upset and confused and a thousand times angrier than before and it sucked because I didn't even know why. I felt as if my works was spinning, and like I was the only person who was experiencing the side effects of it. It was about five, I was seated in the floor next to the bed. Leaning against it and trying to focus, and then I realized that the only person who could help me think clearly wasn't there. I had left him behind fkr whatever absurd reason....and that thought reminded me of how he had sounded yesterday on the phone. It would have made me happy to know that he cared so much and was so affected by my absence, but all I felt like was a shitty human being. And I also felt emptier than how I had been when I arrived there, so my entire attempt at calming down had just backfired on me. But I was certain that if I saw him again then I wouldn't feel as pathetic as I did. I just needed to feel his skin,his touch still remained the one thing that had the ultimate ability to calm me down. And the fact that I was sure he wasn't going to deny me of that one thing gave me all the energy I needed to stand up and get ready to leave. I'd stop at my house first, then I'd go directly to his place. It was too early for my dad to be around anyway, he and I could argue later.
Status de energia semanal
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