Capítulo 53: Chapter 5: Dorm Life? New Classes?! What!?: 4
The hall was silent. A tense, brutal air hung within the room. It was so quiet, that Yoshihara could hear the air conditioner switch on and off, as well as the shuffling footsteps in the upper halls just above them. If she focused hard enough, she would probably be able to hear the chirping of birds, leaves rustling, and gravel crunching just outside of the walls.
But that wasn't what she was focused on. She wasn't focused on her surroundings. There was only one thing that Yoshihara was focused on. And it was right in front of her.
Yoshihara stared at her father with emotions she hadn't yet felt before, outside of the obvious fury that burned deep in her heart. This man… her father… Yoshimura Sugimoto, the person that could've turned her life around had he been in her life from the start.
He just… showed up, out of nowhere, with no warning, and he didn't even have the guts to say "hello" to her. He just… appeared. Like a ghost fading in and out of existence.
This man… her father… a man who had practically abandoned her and Yoshikawa, driving her into the monster she became—because Yoshihara knew deep down that it was his fault—was now standing before her, and to make things even more insulting, he had his back to her.
A part of Yoshihara wanted to attack the man. To hurt him in a way that he'd remember for all of his life and afterlife. To make him feel the pain that she felt—that she knew he had to have felt through the connection they shared as father and daughter.
She wanted to make him hurt.
She wanted to make him suffer.
And yet, she couldn't bring herself to. She couldn't bring herself to summon her Stand and punch him in the back of the head, just as she had envisioned so clearly in her mind. Her body, her soul, it physically wouldn't let her. It was as if Killer Queen was refusing to act upon its user's will, almost as if that deep down in her heart of hearts, she knew that she couldn't bring herself to hurt him. Not because he was stronger than her, or because of some sort of ability that was placed on her. But because of one simple reason.
If she attacked him. If she cursed him out. If she cast him away as if he was nothing but a dirty leaf on her shoe, then she would be blaming an innocent man for the abuse that had been afflicted onto her by some crazy bitch that had lost her mind.
And that made her even angrier. Not at her father, but at herself. Because in that moment of self-reflection, she realized something that hurt her more than just her father's reappearance.
Yoshihara thought she had changed. She thought that deep down after she had gone through so much, after she had gone through the roller coaster of emotions that was her first two months at U.A. High, after getting a boyfriend, and taking away his virginity, maybe, just maybe, she had changed.
That maybe, just maybe, she had stopped being her old, vindictive, hateful, violent self.
But if that series of thoughts taught her anything, it was that she was wrong. She hadn't changed. She simply buried her old ways, and swapped the old cold, calculating mask for a new, happier one, that was slowly cracking as the days went on.
The first crack came when Inko and Ida died.
The second crack came when Bakugo blamed her for everything.
The third crack came when her father reappeared.
She was close to snapping. She could feel it. If one more bad thing happened on par with any of those three things… she was going to lose it.
But, she had to keep her composure. She had to hold on for dear life.
Because if she snapped… she'd be back at square one.
Unconsciously, she balled her hand up into a fist, her fingers digging into her palm, as she stared at the back of Yoshimura's head. The fury and rage in her heart slowly subsided and were replaced with confusion and longing. Confusion at how he was here, and longing for finally seeing him in person.
This man. This man who looked exactly like her was now standing in front of her, his back facing her as if to say that he had no words for her, either out of disappointment or out of the inability to speak to her.
Multiple questions came to mind, but she could only speak one, and it came falling out of her face without any preamble, and without warning.
"Why?"
It was the only word that Yoshihara was able to muster up the courage to speak. Despite all of her questions, despite all of her wanting to ask all of those questions, there was one that she had to get out of the way first. And one that she could only stomach to ask. It wasn't as if she couldn't ask those other questions, it was that she couldn't bear herself to ask those questions because of how much it turned her life upside down.
Everything that she went through. All the pain, all the suffering, all the abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother—her father's wife—would never have happened if he had just been there. If he had been in their lives, she would not have suffered the way she did. And yet, he wasn't there. He was in another fucking country, working.
Was his work that important to him? Was it so important that it was worth abandoning her and Yoshikawa? Was it worth ignoring all the pain he most likely felt through their connection?
The unasked question "do you even care about me" filled the air, as the mood of the room became heavy.
Yoshimura Sugimoto did not answer. He simply stared ahead of him, as if to say "no, I don't". And just as she was about to leave, she noticed that his head had lowered, so it wasn't like he was ignoring her. It would be more correct to say that he was probably trying to think of something to say. So, she stayed and waited for a response.
After a painstaking 30 seconds of nothing, she inhaled sharply, closing her eyes as she bit back tears, before turning to leave for a second time.
And then, he answered.
"Even if I did answer that question, I know you'd never be satisfied," Yoshimura replied, as Yoshihara glanced over her shoulder, her sky blue eyes meeting his dark blue eyes. Once again, just like in the gymnasium, she was flashed with a series of emotions: pain, exhaustion, relief, and pride.
And that was when it clicked.
He was proud of her. He was relieved that she was alive. But he was also exhausted and in pain.
In that moment, when she got to see his eyes, the portals into his very soul, any anger she had, be it justified or not, deflated and had been replaced with an emotion she had never felt before. One that she couldn't even name, but she knew it was a positive emotion.
And then, he continued speaking.
"I can never ask for your forgiveness. For abandoning you and your mother for so many years. For allowing whatever it was that happened to happen. But I promise. On my life. I will try to make things right. Just… please, give me some time. And I know that I can help mend what I broke."
Before she could ask anything else of him, he started to walk away. Her voice died in her throat on several occasions as she tried to call out to him. The words came to the tip of her tongue, but, as it turned out, she didn't have the guts to say anything to him. She didn't have the courage to speak to him. She was projecting onto him.
Yoshihara felt her legs go weak, and her shoulders falling from their tensed height. Her pupils shrank in realization, as she fell to the ground on her knees, the only thing stopping her from face-planting into the ground were her hands stopping just before her.
What was wrong with her?
Over the years, she had grown to resent her father. She had grown to resent the very idea of him existing. She grew to resent him for everything that he had not done to help her. She envisioned him as this cold, callous, uncaring monster of a man that she'd one day have to defeat.
But, instead… she was met with a kind, caring, if somewhat broken man who harboured pain and kept to himself. The exact opposite of who she had imagined him to be. She had been so used to thinking that her parents were complete scumbags, that she never stopped to think that her father could be a good person….
A hand clasped her shoulder, dragging her out of her thoughts. When she looked to see who it was who had grabbed onto her shoulder, it was Aizawa, who was kneeling to her level. "Hey, kid, you alright?" Aizawa asked as Yoshihara averted eye contact.
No. No, she was not alright, but she wasn't about to admit that. So, she remained silent. Taking her silence as a "no" he grimaced. "C'mon, Kira, let's get you up." The man said as he helped her up, to her feet, as she only just realized that her body was shaking from what she could only assume was an emotional overload.
She needed someone to lean on, so without thinking, the moment she got to her feet, she found herself, unconsciously slamming into her teacher, weakly linking her arms together behind his back as a means to stabilize herself. Instead of shoving her away like she had assumed him to, he embraced her silently. It was probably the first time that she had ever seen him show any kind of affection to any of his students, and a part of her wondered if it was because of what happened to Ida that made him have somewhat of a change.
After a few seconds, the man let go and backed away, Yoshihara mimicking him. She wiped at her eyes, clearing away any of the tears still building up in her eyes, as Aizawa sighed. "Alright, I'm gonna ask this again. Are you alright, Kira? Everyone's already back at your guy's dorms. You must've been here for at least twenty minutes or so. You missed the rest of the assembly."
"I—" Yoshihara paused, looking away, embarrassment flooding her face. "I confronted my dad… he… wasn't what I was expecting he'd be…." As she said that, Aizawa nodded, crossing his arms. There was a look of consideration on his face, almost as if he was trying to find the right words to say. She didn't know why he was being considerate of what he said. He was typically always blunt about what he thought about the situation.
Maybe it had something to do with, again, Ida and his passing.
Did he blame his bluntness and his overtly strict opinion on what he thought about certain things, for Ida's death? He was the one who authorized his internship, after all, so it was a possibility.
She could only imagine the guilt he felt.
Finally, after a few moments of silence, Aizawa spoke up.
"Well, he's a teacher here now, so get used to seeing him. You'll be having his class first thing after homeroom every morning," Aizawa said, before continuing. "And, don't forget, final exams are coming up in two weeks, so if you have any studying you need to do for the written portion, do so now. Those things are brutal. I would know, Nedzu used us as genuine pigs for them." As he said that, Aizawa ruffled Yoshihara's hair, before turning around and walking away. "See you tomorrow, kiddo."
When Aizawa left, Yoshihara looked down at the floor. She knew Aizawa cared about her—hell, he had been in her life for about a year, and while the two hadn't talked much, it was clear that he was willing to look out for her, and that he viewed her as something more than a student—maybe a friend, or maybe it was something like how Akira viewed her when she was still with him. But that was beside the fact. While that was all well in good, she couldn't keep her mind off of what was bothering her.
Once again, she balled her hand up into a fist.
She went back to her encounter with her father. Her father was alive, and all she thought about at that time was pure vitriol at his continued existence. Not joy, not happiness, not anything of the sort. Just anger. She wasn't happy that he was alive, she wasn't joyful that he was still around, none of those things. She defaulted to anger. To want to do him in, or cause him harm.
That… wasn't how a hero-in-training should think, let alone an actual hero.
Looking up from the floor, Yoshihara summoned Killer Queen in front of her. The pink cat-like humanoid Stand stared at her, as she stared at it. She never once questioned why she awakened Killer Queen, a Stand that was meant to kill.
The more she thought about it, the more she began to think that there was something horribly wrong with her on a fundamental level.
Every single one of its abilities was tailored to explosions, which were meant to kill. Bombs were used to kill, she could shoot long ranged bombs in the form of bubbles that atomized anything they came into contact with as their default setting. She could implant bombs into people that did the same thing as the ranged ones, just on a more devastating and controlled spectrum. Sheer Heart Attack could use its heat-seeking ability to track down anyone that her bubble bombs couldn't reach, and she could summon multiple of them to trap and ensnare a target in an unwinnable situation.
It was the perfect killing machine.
And she wanted to be a hero with it. She wanted to be a hero with a Stand that was designed solely to kill.
Yoshihara stared into Killer Queen's eyes and stared deeply into them. She was peering into her own soul. What was someone like her, doing in a place like this? She had a killer's instinct. She had a killer's Stand. The only reason why she had decided to become a hero was that it was beneficial to her at the moment.
There was not a single part of her that wanted to be a hero for altruistic reasons. She was the textbook definition of a "fake hero". She didn't want to be a hero, she had to be a hero because of the circumstances she was in. But now, she was living a better life. She was in a stable living condition, she had a boyfriend, she had friends, and she had a shoo-in job that would make her a lot of money after graduation.
She was, for all intents and purposes, living a better life than what she had been before because she had decided to become a hero. At any point, she could probably switch up what she wanted to do after a year of this… if that didn't mean she lost everything she had gained—and that was the only reason why she stayed.
The pain wasn't worth it. The near-death experiences were not worth it. The drama wasn't worth it.
But then, she looked at it again from a different perspective. If it wasn't for becoming a hero, she wouldn't be alive anymore. She would've taken her own life, because her life at that time was worse than anything she could possibly imagine, the only exception being back in the hands of that horrid piece of shit she called a mother.
If she hadn't become a hero… she would never have met Izuku. Her boyfriend.
If she hadn't become a hero… she would never have made any friends.
And while that was all good and all, wouldn't she still have those people in her life if she… changed career paths? Or would they all fall apart? Not to mention that half of her class still silently hated her because she defended herself, there was no changing that. She was still the black sheep of 1-A. Most if not all of the school hated her because of what she did, despite what Aizawa said during the Sports Festival. She still got threatening text messages from anonymous people telling her to kill herself for killing an innocent woman, she still got emails from other students with student emails calling her unworthy of being a hero—all of which she reported to Hound Dog—and so on.
And while at the beginning she brushed it off so candidly, Over time, it had become degrading. It hurt. It honestly hurt to look at it. To read. Whenever she unlocked her phone she would have these messages and emails front and center, and it would always make her want to just lay in bed and wither away.
It was already bad enough that she hated herself for her flaws, with the only light in her life being Izuku and those who she called family. But even then, there were times when she just… broke down inwardly. She had almost relapsed into her depression when her mother was brought up yesterday. And while it wasn't like she had lied about the whole panic-attack thing, the last thing she wanted to do was scare Izuku even more than he already was.
"God… I'm pathetic…." Yoshihara thought as she looked away from her Stand, and was about to dematerialize it, when suddenly...
"No, you're not."
Yoshihara blinked, staring at Killer Queen, who was now… glaring at her. "What the…?" the blonde Stand User murmured, staring at the Stand with a flabbergast expression.
"Only you can hear me, dumbass," Killer Queen said, crossing its arms as Yoshihara recoiled.
"You can talk?" Yoshihara asked her Stand, as it shrugged.
"Not typically, no. But, I can be the voice of your consciousness when it's needed. Aka, The reasonable side of you," Killer Queen stated, as it sighed, staring at Yoshihara with a disappointed gleam in its otherwise lifeless eyes. "Firstly, you're not pathetic. If you were, you wouldn't have fully awakened me to my fullest, and I would still be restricted to my arms and legs. Secondly, you need to get professional help. As much as you don't want to, this is the exact same shit that you were pulling with the whole denial crap a few weeks back, except this has been going on way, way longer, and what it's doing to you is way, way worse. You need a therapist, and Hound Dog is literally just a 2-minute walk away."
Yoshihara glared at the Stand. "That's not the issue. The issue is that I don't want to, not that I'm in denial of needing it! And don't you dare compare it to that. It's not the same thing!" Yoshihara retorted, frowning as Killer Queen got right up into her face, making her recoil.
"It is exactly the same thing, just with a different coat of paint," Killer Queen bit back, staring hard into Yoshihara's eyes, making the blonde stand user flinch. "The only thing different is what is at stake, but the message is the same! The more you ignore the issue, the more it'll bite you in the ass! You should've learnt that by now! I'm you, and even I know better than this! C'mon, Yoshihara! Think for just a second, and stop being blind to the obvious! You. Need. Help! Stop neglecting yourself, and burying it behind excuses and fancy coping mechanisms!"
Yoshihara stared down her Stand, scoffing. "What coping mechanisms!" the blonde snapped back as the Stand took a step back, scoffing.
"You know damn well what I mean, do I even have to say it?" Killer Queen asked as Yoshihara stared at it indignantly. Rolling its eyes, Killer Queen crossed its arms and stared at her as if she was hiding something. "C'mon, really? You're going to be that petty?" Killer Queen asked, earning no response. Finally caving, the cat-like humanoid Stand uncrossed its arms and frowned. "Having sex with your boyfriend won't just whisk away all your problems. You can't just fuck away all your trauma, dumbass! Half of your issues stem from that, for Pete's sake!" Killer Queen stated, walking over to Yoshihara, and placing a firm hand on her shoulder. She looked away, not wanting to stare it in the face, but eventually, she did.
"That's not why I do that…." Yoshihara muttered, her cheeks flaring red, as Killer Queen chuffed.
"I'm you, Yoshihara. I know the other reason as to why you do it. It's cause it's good, but that's beside the point. It's about time you accept the fact that you are deserving of help. You're not a horrible person. You've made mistakes, you've killed people but they deserved it, and you've done some embarrassing things to make it so you could get through life—no one's denying that. But you need to accept that part of yourself. If you don't… you might spiral further into this mentality, and if you do…. soon, you'll end up like my previous user."
Before Yoshihara could ask it what it meant by that, the Stand disappeared back inside of her, and she was left with one too many questions and a headache. She was… deserving of help? Since when? Since when was she deserving of help? Friends, sure, a boyfriend, maybe… but help? No… not a chance.
Yoshihara looked toward the double doors behind her, which led to the auditorium, before frowning. Turning away, she looked down at her hand, which had still been balled up…
Maybe… she should go see Hound Dog. Just this once….
xxXXxxXXxx
"Thanks for coming, have a nice day," Hound Dog said to the shrinking image of one of the general course students that had regularly showed up in his office, that student being Hitoshi Shinso. Flipping over his clipboard, that was the last person he was supposed to see today. And now, he could go on lunch break.
Today had been a rather long day, and he was a bit hungry. Maybe he'd go to that newly opened conveyor belt sushi place a few blocks away from U.A.? He had seen good reviews for the place. His stomach grumbled at the thought, and just as he was about to get up, there was a knock at the door. He looked up from his clipboard, wondering who it could be, only to see Yoshihara Kira of all people.
They had been scheduled to have some sort of meeting a month back, but she was a no-show. He figured it was because she thought she didn't need it, and he was content with that. He wasn't going to pursue her if she felt like she didn't want to talk, but now, she was here, and she looked… horrible. Not in a derogatory way, but she looked as if she had just come out of a panic attack. The look in her eyes… reeked of conflict and confusion, almost like she had no idea where she was, and the way she stood there, shoulders dipped below half-mast, next to no life in her eyes, her overall nervous appearance…. Quite frankly, she looked like she was one bad day away from going full psycho.
"Well, isn't this a surprise," Hound Dog began, involuntarily growling, as he gestured for her to come in. She was a little off put by his growl, which caused him to sigh. "Don't mind that, it's a tick I have. I blame my Quirk. Now c'mon, take a seat."
Reluctantly, the girl walked in, closing the door behind her, before taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of her, resting her hands on her knees. "So, what brings you here today? Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?" Hound Dog asked, reclining in his chair, steepling his fingers, and staring at her, not making eye contact in case it was something she didn't like. The blonde sat there, and with how she had furrowed her brows, it was likely that she was mulling something over in her mind. He wasn't exactly in a rush, because as far as he was concerned, mental health was more important than lunch. He had skipped lunch on numerous occasions, and besides, he still had his once-a-day 1-hour break, so he wasn't complaining.
After around 30 seconds of her not saying a word, she finally spoke up. "I… I think I need… professional help…." Her voice came out as meek… which was completely different in comparison to how the other staff members portrayed her. Oh, don't get him wrong, he knew she was the silent one of Class 1 – A, but when she did speak, it was with assuredness, and confidence, at least, according to Present Mic.
Hound Dog mentally raised an eyebrow. Something was going on, and from what he could guess, it was an internal battle, rather than an external one. No one that confident would switch up and become meek and quiet just because of something someone said. He was going off on a limb, but he had to assume that something related to the controversy that she had been steeped in three weeks back was still haunting her, and that, because she thought she could deal with it herself, she didn't come to seek him out.
But now, something pushed her over the edge, and she was now seeking help. Professional help. And while he probably wasn't what she needed, he was going to give his earnest effort to spot the problem. "Well, Kira, that's exactly what I'm here to do. Now, what exactly do you think you need professional help with? Is it something school related, or something personal?" Hound Dog asked as Kira fidgeted in her seat.
"Personal…." Yoshihara replied as Hound Dog nodded, flipping through the papers on his clipboard and wrote down her name. So, he was right. It was personal. Turning to his computer, and pulling up her file, he copied the basic information from the computer file to the piece of paper, stuff like age, height, weight, all that stuff. When he was finished, he looked at her and cleared his throat. He had an idea of what was bugging her, but, he wasn't going to assume. So, he asked her the question that he asked everyone who came to see him.
"Well, Kira, do you want to tell me what it is that's bothering you? Now, depending on what it is, we might have to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist or a therapist, alright? I might be a counsellor, but I'm no psychiatrist, nor am I a therapist," Hound Dog said, as Kira nodded.
"I understand," the blonde said flatly, before rubbing her arm and averting eye contact. She was mulling something over, again. He allowed her to talk her time. It wasn't as if she was going to be late for anything—it was a Sunday after all. And while he should be on patrol after his lunch break, again, he was a counsellor first, and a hero second.
Finally, the girl spoke up. "I… have been having thoughts of…." She stopped, biting her lip as she was trying to put together a sentence. "of self-doubt… and, other things…. I have a past with depression, and… sometimes it comes back. Not, all the time but I've almost relapsed several times. I… I want to know if there's something I can do to… stop it from coming back."
Hound Dog hummed, cupping his chin. "Well, where does this depression stem from? What was the foundational setting that you think could've caused this to happen? Those are the first two questions you should be asking yourself. When did it start, and why did it start? Be it from trauma, an accident, or, the least likely of which, you were born with depression, which doesn't happen all too often, but can happen. Though looking at your medical files, that doesn't seem to be the case." As Hound Dog said that, he glanced over her student file, before pulling up her medical document. "The only thing on here is that you were medically diagnosed as a sociopath on March 3rd, 2113. This, explains a couple of things, like your examination answers when you were first admitted into the school."
Hound Dog glanced over to Yoshihara, who still wasn't making eye contact. "Although the more I look at you, and the more I notice your mannerisms, I'm beginning to think that maybe they jumped the gun. If you were a sociopath, then you couldn't have possibly been depressed, because that would mean you can feel emotions. sociopaths can't feel emotions. So either the doctor you saw had been incredibly lazy, or simply overlooked a few things."
This made Yoshihara actually look at him. "What? But… that doesn't make any sense. I—"
"I know," Hound Dog interrupted, looking at her straight in the eyes. "You've probably been told ever since then that you had sociopathy, but I think the truth of the matter is that you're emotionally stunted, rather than being a sociopath. If you were a sociopath, you would exhibit the habits of a sociopath, but you don't. Sure, you have some sociopathic traits, but everything else from your emotional breakdowns, your several recorded panic attacks, and from this doctor's note you got regarding your encounter with depression over 3 years ago, proves that you're not a sociopath."
Yoshihara bit her lip again, glancing at the floor, balling and unbaling her hand into a fist multiple times. She looked confused, something that Hound Dog noticed, and thought about. It was true, that sometimes those who are emotionally stunted were incorrectly diagnosed as Sociopaths—his cousin was one of those people, however, there was one thing that he did know about sociopathy.
It could be unlearned.
Sociopathy, unlike psychopathy, was something that could be broken down and removed, as time went on, so long as the person who had it wished to seek help and let down their walls. It wasn't guaranteed to happen, and the process could take decades to follow through, but… it was a way of overcoming sociopathy.
Yoshihara might have been doing that. She was unlearning her sociopathic tendencies, that she was slowly but surely recovering from whatever trauma caused her to become this way, and opening up to her emotions again. But, he couldn't be the one to diagnose her. That wasn't his job. That was the job of a psychiatrist, not a counsellor.
"Hmm…." Hound Dog hummed, tapping his pen to his chin. "You know, I'm not sure I'm right about that," Hound Dog said, as Yoshihara snapped her attention back to him.
"What…?" The blonde questioned, as the man smirked underneath his bite restrainer.
"Well, I'm not a therapist, nor am I a psychiatrist. I'm a counsellor, so I can't say that. It's not my place to say whether or not you're a sociopath or not. For that, you're gonna need to see a psychiatrist, and I know one that you might want to go see. If, of course, that's what you want," Hound Dog said, as the man reclined in his chair.
Yoshihara mulled it over, before staring him in the eyes, and nodding, a wave of conviction rolling off of her. "I… I want to get to the bottom of what's actually wrong with me. I want to know why I am the way I am… if I'm not a sociopath, then point me in the direction of where I need to go… I'm tired of feeling this way, so please, Hound Dog-Sensei… tell me who I'm looking for."
Hound Dog smiled a toothy smile, before laughing good-heartedly. "That's the spirit!" Immediately after that, his face fell to dead seriousness, catching Yoshihara slightly off guard. "However, I have to warn you, the way he does things is different. I've known him for a decade, and his Quirk, if I can even call it that, illudes me. His name is Nijimura Chouzou. He doubles as a therapist and a psychiatrist at a local walk-in clinic, and he's incredibly good at what he does. His methods are bizarre, but I'm pretty sure that he's the kind of guy you're looking for."
Yoshihara nodded, standing up from the chair, before bowing. "Thank you for your time, Hound Dog-Sensei…" Yoshihara said as the dog-man nodded, watching as she left the room.
As she left, Hound Dog frowned. "Nijimura Chouzou… It's been a while since I've seen him, but from what I remember of him, he was quite a friendly person. I'll give him a call and let him know I've sent her over to him. If I remember correctly, from what he told me, he was… ugh, what did he call himself again? Oh, yeah! He was….
…A Stand User."
-To Be Continued in – The Tragically Hip Therapist.
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