Capítulo 18: Loving in the Shadow of the Mafia

"THE MAFIA...?" Shiloh echoed.

"Yes," he replied. "Look the only way I can explain is if we start at the very beginning."

"Okay," Shiloh said. "I'm listening."

Threading their fingers together Lucian looked down at their hands and sighed again. This was the moment of truth, either Shiloh was all in or he'd run away screaming. Either way, Lucian knew that it was time to start being honest, and if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Shiloh then he wasn't going to lose him over this.

"When I was growing up I never understood why my father needed so much protection for my—carissima madre—Sofia was so protective of me growing up. Then after I turned nine I saw something I knew I'd never forget...I had come home early one afternoon and I didn't see anybody in the house so I decided to get a basketball from the basement to go play at the park…My father was there and he had a man on his knees and was pointing a gun down his throat."

Shiloh gasped but he continued.

"At first I wanted to call out and tell my—Padre—to stop but I stayed put. Then he looked up and saw me standing on the stairs, we locked eyes as he fired a round into the man's head." Lucian stared at Shiloh watching every emotion play out on his face. "I didn't flinch nor did I move. After my father told his men to dispose of the body he dragged me back upstairs. He said that sometimes people who got in his way needed to be taken care of and that sooner or later I'd understand what he meant."

Shiloh was stoic, eyes wide staring back at him. "A few years went by after that and my father started to notice things about me...he thought it was odd that I brought more boys over than girls and since I was a good-looking kid with a very traditional Italian family he wondered why there wasn't a special girl in my life...so, when I turned sixteen I came out to him, told him I preferred the company of men to women...do you know what he did, beautiful?" Lucian taunted ominously.

Shiloh shook his head.

"That night he hauled me down to the basement and beat me bloody. My mother had cried but he said he needed to teach me a lesson on how to be a man and if he didn't beat me up someone else would. When he was finished he said I needed to toughen up, no son of his was going to be a weak fag. So he sent me to Westminster Academy Correctional Facility for eighteen months...During that time I hated him, I wanted to kill him and I vowed I would…Then when I got out my father was an old man...he looked like he had aged and since Cooper had no interest in the family business he took me under his wing. After that it was like the vile of innocence had been lifted and I saw the world in a new light...the world was my plaything, riddled with sex, drugs, violence, and all the money in the world...I'm a greedy fuck, I won't dispute that…I want it all, Shiloh, and during the years I worked for my father I had everything my heart desired...until the day I was walking down East side Avenue and some kid stopped to ask for directions… " Lucian smiled at the memory. "Then you became my life."

There was a long silence after that, Lucian could see Shiloh's jaw clenching and his mind working. Soon his pale hand was drawing away from Lucian's and the resolution was set in his eyes.

"So...since I was sixteen you've been lying to me…"

"Yes," Lucian stated. "It was too dangerous for you to know."

"Does my father know about this?"

"He is well aware of my…illegal dealings."

Shiloh hesitated for a second. "Have you killed people?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god," Shiloh breathed turning away from him.

"This isn't an easy pill to swallow, but it's the truth." Lucian continued. "I've never wanted you to get mixed up in any of this."

"Do the police know?" Shiloh asked, wringing his hands together. "What if—will they find out what you've done—"

"I have friends in very high places…I'm sure they have a file on me but beyond that I am untouchable."

"Lucian, I don't think I can—"

"You love me, right?" He asked desperately.

"Of course—"

"Then all I ask is that you be with me. I won't bother you with any details—"

"How would that work?" Shiloh asked his tone gathering edge. "How are you going to say you love me but not include me in your life? That doesn't make sense."

"Fuck, Shiloh I'm willing..." Lucian stood from his chair and got down on his knees. "I'm willing to do anything to make you see how much I love you."

"You don't love me enough to tell me the truth." Shiloh shot back.

"I was trying to spare you and if...I was scared if you knew you would leave and I can't—I don't want to be without you," Lucian said anguish written all over his face.

"What about what I want?" Shiloh replied. "You're a liar Lucian! For years you lead me to believe that you were something you're not!"

"Don't feign ignorance, Shiloh!" He snapped. "You knew damn well that something wasn't right!"

"And whenever I asked you lied," Shiloh spat. "You goddamn bastard."

Lucian looked away ashamed. "I'm sorry that was wrong…I should have told you the truth but—we can work through this—I love you and this is something we can get over—"

"No—I need time to think—I can't think with you and your goons hovering over me all the time...I need to be away from you."

Lucian looked like he had been slapped in the face.

There was another long silence.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"I—I don't know...I just need some time."

"Time for what…?" Lucian asked. "Time to see if you still love me…?"

"Of course, I still love you," Shiloh sighed. "The issue is if I can trust you."

"Haven't I proven that already? Haven't I taken care of you, made sure you have everything you've ever wanted—"

"Except the truth" Shiloh cut in.

"How could tell you when you're acting like a petulant child?" Lucian barked, his temper flaring.

"Fuck this I'm leaving." Shiloh stood abruptly from his chair and stormed off into the bedroom with Lucian hot on his heels.

"Look—I'm sorry that was a stupid thing to say and I—"

"Shut up." Shiloh hissed snatching his keys off the dresser. "You're a liar and manipulator and I can't believe I let you use me for all these years—"

"I used you?" Lucian scoffed. "Who the hell paid for all those expensive shopping trips for you and your friends? Who paid for all those goddamn lotions you apply to your face daily?!"

"Well, now you won't have to worry about that," Shiloh said his voice breaking on the last few words as he finally let his emotions free.

"Wait, just hold on a minute," Lucian said frantically. "Let's talk—"

"There's nothing more to say," Shiloh replied shrugging on his coat. "All those times my dad—my dad said you were no good, he said I could find better and I kept—" Tears glazed over his as recalled his dad saying that he deserved better but he never listened. "Defending you…God, I feel like such an idiot. I didn't pay attention to your secrecy and how you'd make me feel like I was doing something wrong just by asking where you were."

"I'm sorry—"

"You made me feel like shit for wanting to spend more time with you." Tears broke free and Shiloh felt like his entire heart was being ripped in half. "All those lies about business calls and how you were needed in the office, was any of it true?"

"Of course, it was I am needed at the office none of that was a lie…just an omission of exactly what I was doing."

"I guess that justifies it then," Shiloh snorted, angrily swiping at the tears. "You never once loved me, did you?" Shiloh went to move past him but he caught Shiloh's arm. He had never felt this way about anyone before, and the thought of losing Shiloh was like a knife twisting in his gut. He knew that he could be demanding and possessive at times, but he couldn't help it. He loved Shiloh with every fiber of his being and the thought of losing him was unbearable.

He would do anything to keep him by his side, even if it meant changing his ways. He would try to be more understanding, more patient, and more loving. He would do anything to make Shiloh stay because, without him, his life would be nothing. He couldn't imagine a future without him and he would do whatever it takes to make sure they will be together forever. Yet rage bubbled over, he felt unhinged at Shiloh threatening to leave him. He couldn't allow it. Ever.

And something inside him snapped.