Capítulo 284: A Demon’s Heart
The pain in Yaan's heart did not fade away. The torture of having his Dao Soul plagued with cracks was a pain that others would be unable to understand – in fact, Yaan was probably the only being in this world that was capable of surviving in this state.
However, when those cracks finally stopped expanding, it seemed to make way for other feelings to take root…and for his desire to return.
Yaan still didn't care about life and death. He didn't fear death, and he didn't particularly feel the need to cling to life…but since he was here, in the world of the living, he had the desire to learn more about himself.
What were his principles, if any?
What was his ambition?
What sort of person was he?
These questions were all things that cultivators would learn about themselves over time…but all Yaan knew about himself for sure, was that he had the potential to do truly monstrous things, both to himself and to others.
Did he regret doing those things? Did he feel guilty about all the suffering he had caused? Did he care at all?
How…would he live his life from hereon?
Honestly, right now, Yaan couldn't answer any of these questions. However…he knew that it was too late to go back. He would never be a saint, he knew that much. After doing certain things, a person would change, for better or for worse. Yaan had passed this point of no return – it was impossible for him to return to the way he once was.
So then…what now?
To live righteously, or demonically? Good, or evil?
When Yaan pondered over this question, he felt like laughing at himself.
"For so long, I did what I needed to do in order to progress my cultivation, and to survive. I trampled over my own heart, I slaughtered countless innocent people…the fact that I was able to do those things proves that I'm not a 'good' person…but honestly, the concept of good and evil is a bit childish; this should not be my focus for now."
Yaan paused for some time, losing himself in thought. In the end, he came to a decision. He decided to speak to the Spirit Plane Lord…and the Primordial Sage.
Since they were being so helpful, he would ask those two divinities for guidance.
After accepting that he had his own heart, and that he was not an emotionless, unfeeling demon, Yaan felt complicated when it came to the Spirit Plane Lord. She was treating him so well, but only because he was deceiving her. He was repaying her sincerity with slyness…but then again, if she learned the truth, her attitude towards him would certainly flip around.
There was no possible way for Yaan's relationship with the Spirit Plane Lord to have a happy ending. Since that was the case, he decided to just make the most out of his current situation.
Yaan waited for the two women to return.
He didn't need to wait long, the pair returned just a few minutes after he started waiting. Since the Primordial Sage was still projecting herself into his Sea of Consciousness, she naturally knew everything that Yaan was doing.
Yaan had various thoughts regarding the Primordial Sage. She was lingering within his Sea of Consciousness, unknown to her sister in the outside world. At the same time, she was still acting as if she could directly read his thoughts – but Yaan knew that she could no longer do so. Presumably, this was because his Sea of Consciousness was now an illusion, it wasn't 'real'. It was already impressive that she could enter this illusory sea to begin with…
Yaan didn't mention that he knew she could not read his thoughts. He also didn't mention that if he wanted to, he could easily remove her from his Sea of Consciousness at any time.
After the spark of desire was faintly relit within Yaan's heart, he indulged in many thoughts that he had previously put aside due to his lack of caring.
He wanted to learn more about himself, and for that, he needed to survive just a little bit longer.
He realised that some of his old habits were returning – his scheming and sly side – but Yaan had no issue with this. In this world, without scheming, a person would not be able to live for very long. Yaan's current situation was extremely dangerous, so he needed to consider everything carefully if he wanted to continue living.
When he thought of this, he turned to face the Spirit Plane Lord seriously for the first time. Before she could even open her mouth to speak, Yaan smiled and clasped his hands towards her.
"Thank you…sister."
He then turned towards the Primordial Sage…
"And you, sister. Thank you both."
After getting over her shock towards his sudden change of attitude, the Spirit Plane Lord's face lit up with joy.
"Brother, you're feeling better now? Or at least, you've rediscovered your heart?"
Yaan continued smiling, but others could not see the hint of melancholy in his smile.
He wasn't emotionless…but nor was he a good person.
Regardless of all else, his life experiences and everything that he had done from his birth until now had shaped him as a person. He had crossed lines that he could never uncross, and he was far too accustomed to living like a demon.
Now that he had found a faint desire in his previously desireless life, it could be said that he didn't care about anything other than striving to achieve this desire. Yaan wanted to learn more about himself, and like always…he would do whatever it took to achieve his goal.
This fact alone had already taught him a lot about himself.
Like before, he would be ignoring his emotions in order to seek a greater purpose…but unlike before, he knew exactly what he was doing, and he would not hide from the pain in his heart. He would welcome all of these emotions with open arms as he stepped onto the path of adversity once again.
"Brother, please tell me if there is anything that we can do for you?" The Spirit Plane Lord glanced at the Primordial Sage as she spoke. Clearly, she felt like her sister had a better understanding of how to help him…
Yaan had shown almost no reaction during the years that she had spent trying to rekindle the fire of desire in his heart, but the Primordial Sage was able to fix him with just a few words and an ordinary hand mirror.
Of course, it wasn't quite this simple – the Primordial Sage made use of the Spirit Plane Lord's diligent assistance, then struck at the opportune moment by using the flaw that she found in Yaan's 'desireless' state. She realised that he had been avoiding looking at his own reflection, and she used this against him. Well, in the end, it really did help Yaan to recover to a degree.
"I want to seek my dao heart." Yaan explained concisely, phrasing his newfound desire in a way that these two should be able to understand.
The Spirit Plane Lord fell silent. A few ideas appeared in her mind, but she felt hesitant to act on any of these. She was concerned that she might make things worse…she didn't want to run the risk of causing her 'brother' to regress back to his previous broken state…
But really, she simply didn't understand what was going on with Yaan at all. She didn't know what had changed within him, if anything at all. She didn't know what he was thinking, and she didn't know how to help him…
But the Primordial Sage's understanding of Yaan was much deeper. She had watched him throughout his life, she knew everything that he had experienced, and she understood what it was that he wanted.
Most importantly, she knew what it was that she wanted, so she knew what she needed to show him.
Within Yaan's Sea of Consciousness…
"I will help you to seek dao." The Primordial Sage stated plainly.
In fact, when he stated that he wanted to seek his dao heart to the two sisters, he already anticipated that at this point, the Primordial Sage would begin to reveal her true motive…or, she would continue trying to deceive him.
However, Yaan was not as easy to deceive as he had been in the past.
He would never trust the Primordial Sage, because when he looked into her eyes, he saw…
Nothing.
He could see the pain in the eyes of all living beings. Even the Spirit Plane Lord and Defiance Sovereign couldn't hide this pain from Yaan's gaze...
But when he looked into the Primordial Sage's eyes, he saw no emotion whatsoever. This person truly felt nothing…
But that was impossible. All sentient beings felt some form of emotion, Yaan now understood this better than anyone else. Many people believed that the Primordial Sage cultivated the heartless dao heart, but Yaan knew that this could not be the case.
A living being without desire simply could not live. Yaan himself was perhaps the only being that could survive in that state of desirelessness, but this was due to him being a heart demon with a Dao Soul that could exist in a broken state – and he was exactly that; broken.
The Heartless Deity's True Inheritance made this clear to him – all life needed to possess the desire to live. If this desire was completely and utterly extinguished, then it was impossible to continue living.
If the Primordial Sage truly lacked all emotion and desire, then why did she continue living? Why did she cultivate, and scheme, and do all that she did?
The only answer was that, despite possessing no emotions, there was something deep inside her which drove her to go on.
However, regardless of the truth, Yaan could not trust this person, she was too strange. The fact that she had no pain in her heart could only mean that at some point in her life, she had cut off her emotions entirely, making it such that she could no longer feel pain…
Someone like this couldn't be underestimated.
He didn't trust the Primordial Sage, and now, he wanted to understand her objective. So, when she stated that she would help him to seek dao, Yaan asked:
"Why?"
"Again, no matter what I say, you will not believe me."
Hearing this response again made Yaan shake his head.
"'l will believe you if you answer truthfully. Tell me the truth, and it will allow us to cooperate properly. You're an intelligent person, you should understand this logic…or are you just a compulsive liar who cannot tell the truth, even when there is a benefit in doing so?"
After a moment of silence, the Primordial Sage looked into Yaan's eyes with her expressionless gaze. Her emerald eyes shone with intelligence, but they were void of any emotion, making her look like a transcendent form of life that was not the same as others.
"I wish to observe your dao." She replied simply.
Yaan stared into her eyes, which showed no fluctuations whatsoever. Whether she lied or told the truth made no difference to the Primordial Sage, these two choices were simply methods to her. Others could not see through her deceit unless her lies were exposed, so she often lied.
Even so, right now, Yaan believed that she was telling the truth.
As for what caused this change in her plans, it could be one of two things. Either, it was due to him dying and reincarnating, something that should have been impossible after failing his Immortal Ascension Tribulation…or, it was due to the glimpse of the Void that he had experienced back in Namuh Village.
After pondering for a moment, Yaan nodded.
"I understand. You intend to assist both myself and the Primordial Devil, and then watch the final outcome of our conflict from the side."
"That is correct."
"Good." Yaan smiled ever so slightly. "Since it's like that, we should be able to cooperate until that time."
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