Capítulo 40: Black-and-white world
Here is the rewritten chapter
Of course if the older version was better, then just write in the comments and I will change it, if most people think so .
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Lappland pov
After leaving the doctor's office, I put the blood tester in my pocket, then I set off in front of me, not going directly home. I felt I needed to think so I went wherever my legs carried me.
' But why is it always me? Just now when everything was supposed to work out '
' It was supposed to be me and Blake in the adventure as hunters we were supposed to be happy Blake was supposed to forget about everything. I would be able to be with her this.... .'
With many thoughts that gradually worsened my mood. I don't know how long I walked like this, but eventually the sky became dark and I made it all the way to the city docks. On the way I turned to one of the alleys, after entering which the moonlight fell directly on my face.
Lappland : "I will die in a few years ".
All my life I was on the edge so I was never afraid of death every action and fight is a risk of death or disability. I lived beyond that I enjoyed the fight and the blood on my hands. I fought for the goal, I fought for Blake, it did not matter to me who dies in the end everyone in this world is responsible for himself .
But now this feeling of inevitable death, this is completely different. But I am not afraid, because eventually I would die anyway. What always mattered to me was how I would live than how I would die. However, now my time is limited.
Lappland : " HahAHahahaH"
Laughing, I walk over to the wall in the alley and, resting my bandaged hands on it, I look at the ground.
Lappland : "What am I supposed to do with myself?"
'Now that Blake left Adam everything was supposed to work out for us?
'Me and Blake we had plans, Blake finally look at me. And now? '
Lappland : "Fuck!!!"
Shouting angrily, with clenched teeth I hit the wall with my fist making one of the bricks break .
Lappland " Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
I shout feeling uncontrollable anger which causes me to start hitting the wall with my fist .
' Why is it always me?
' Is this supposed to be a joke or am I cursed?'
Thinking about this possibility I turn my back to the cracked wall to lean against it .
??? :" It's not fair, right ? But child born like us has no right to love, we have no right to sympathy such is our fate ".
Hearing a young voice I look at one of the dumpsters next to which someone has thrown a mirror. In the mirror I see a gatally emaciated little girl wrapped only in a blanket and with a thick dog collar around her neck. Shaved bald head with tumbled and bleeding bald wolf ears .
A black eye, emaciated cheeks and knocked out front teeth all topped with her silver eyes with a touch of blue . Which, despite the light reflecting in them, look dead.
Looking at the mirror I see that the reflection is looking at me and then she smile sadly to me .
Mirror Girl : " We were born from the blood of a monster and we will stay with it forever, we have no right to love and to be happy because every time we are close to being happy it ends the same way .Hasn't it always been like this with our bad luck ?"
Mirror Girl: " Just like with a carrot and a stick when we are about to reach the good end, then like with the pull of a stick the carrot flies away further. But you continue to follow that carrot in search of happiness without seeing that it leads your little fucked up brain to the wrong end!!!!! "
Shouts the girl resting her small hands on the mirror as if she was trying to get out of it. Her remaining teeth were clenched in anger and her eyes were bloodshot and opened wide in a show of desperation and madness. Hearing this I look at the reflection and I don't want to talk about it. I do not know her thoughts, however, I know what she wants, as whenever I am at my worst emotional state, she appears and like the devil she whispers in my ear taking forms that upset me even more to take control.
Lappland : " And what does Blake have to do with this? It's the disease that's killing me, not Blake. Besides, listening to Blake is my decision. "
I said mocking my own minde, after which I sit down on the ground with my back leaning on the wall.
Mirror girl : "As usual you run away from truth. In the eyes of others you have always been a tool. Everyone plays with you and you like an obedient dog, wave your tail even if its hurt you. That's what everyone did, Trivia, your mother even Blake. ."
Hearing this I pause.
'Blake?'
'she doesn't she... '.
Mirror imige : "She Loves you ?. Didn't everyone say that, Mother, Trivia which makes Blake not say it too and do something else something that will hurt you. It's not like she ever said it ."
Lappland :"It can't be haHAHaha"
Hearing something like this I can only laugh but at the same time it hurts me somewhere which makes me angry.
Mirror imige : "Then why does it hurt you so much that Blake can lave you."
Hearing this, I look at the girl in the mirror I know what she is referring to and I don't like it very much.
Mirror imige : "Despite the fact that we are the same person you are pathetic in my eyes after what happened between you and Trivia you gave up completely on your self. And now like a faithful dog you wag your tail seeing Blake despite what she did to us.".
Mirror imige :" You are a hypocrite you hate when someone confesses their feelings to you, because the two people who told you so made you feel betrayed. Yet you still wait for Blake to tell you this . Hhahaha she never told you that right?. You live in a relationship ' I like you very much '. Even a random girl confesses her love to you"
After these words, silence falls between us
Mirror girl :" Everyone played with your feelings and your goals are to satisfy others. "
Say girl after which she does exactly the same as me and sits down against the wall. Through the reflection in the mirror she looks as if she is sitting next to me. Listening to her I take out a cigarette, put it in my mouth and light it, to calm my nerves. Even though I know that this inferior part of me wants to take over my "sane thinking," it doesn't mean that her words don't affect me.
Mirror girl : "I thought after that you would not last and destroy this mirror . You Never liked to talk about feelings, even more so about the old ones . But now you are unusually calm for your previous emotions ."
She Says calmly as she draws her knees to her chest and then wraps her arms around them.
Lappland :" Thinking about it all, these seven years are really a long time. Probably without this disease I would have died in that time anyway, at least looking at my lifestyle"
Mirror girl : "So what about your earlier reactions ."
Asks the girl despite already knowing the answer.
Lappland : "Such information always has to hit somehow. I was under the impression that my life was returning to some sort of normal, I no longer had problems with alcohol and stimulants thanks to my forced one-year rehab. When I found Blake I thought things would be fine now. Adam will not divide us from Blake, me and Blake will be with each other forever. However, we have seven years left, I don't want her to see me slowly die like some... "
Mirror girl : "I know, so what do we do now ? "
Lappland :" Maybe I won't change my plans, Becon lasts three years max, if I'm lucky then I'll become a hunter with Blake and we'll have fun together. A little bit of sex and partying. Maybe I'll die in the middle of a fight or something like that, before even others realize I was sick."
Mirror girl : " You speak as if you believe we will live to see the end of Becon. Looking at our luck you will die in three years. But well then what about after you die? Will you leave Blake to be left alone with your old problems ? What about white fang and Adam if you don't solve this it will become a problem"
Lappland : " Seven years is a long time but should I waste that time on Adam ? It is not an option until he forces me to do so I don't care about him "
I say knowing that I really want to kill the bastard however I am held back by too many things for me to do so. First of all I will have to find him first which will take time, besides Blake is all the time against killing anyone of the white fang.
'Blake still believes that everyone can be convert, including Adam. '
Looking at the mirror I see that the reflection in it is silent, staring at me.
Mirror girl: "Are you still going to do everything Blake tells you to do? Don't kill because it's wrong and those things? ".
Ask the girl as I finish my cigarette and toss the cigarette butt to the side.
Mirror girl : "Since we are on the subject of revenge what about your father?"
Hearing this I do not answer and get up from the ground redy to leave the alley knowing that this conversation will no longer do any good.
Mirror girl : " You really pretend you don't remember. How can you forget the cold nights of Atlas, your mother and the monster who with or without your will is your father..."
Before another word is spoken I smash the mirror with my foot silencing it for good.
??? " You have too many scars to forget it. You are unloved and forgotten child. The years spent there became your foundation, there are the roots of our madness, that's where it all started ."
??? :" So don't denay it, this is our heritage our story of madness, we have been cursed to live with this story and memories ".
I hear a chorus of voices and each is coming from a different fragment of the broken mirror. Looking again into the shattered fragments I see many copies of myself. The only thing I can do now is cover my face with my hands even though I can feel my nails digging into my face but still I can't stop it.
??? : " That's what I hate about you. Your mother who could have left you to die and run away by herself, she stayed and gave birth to you. The woman who always hugged you so you wouldn't die of cold. Despite her broken body and mind she always said she loved you and never looked at you as a monster but as her daughter . She gave everything she have to you. And you believe she didn't love you. "
Hearing this, I look at the broken mirror. And slowly with composure in my voice despite the fact that I am boiling inside I say.
Lappland : "Aren't you the one who keeps telling me that no one loves me."
??? :" Remember that I am only a pictorial reflection of your desires and instincts so It is you who consider yourself a monster, you accept when others say that about you but yet you always try to deny your nature . You always contradict yourself and even though you have instincts you never listen to us, take what you want and do what you want. Isn't that what your mother always wanted for you. She loved you so much that she gave up everything she had for your freedom. "
Voices speak as I step on the glass, shredding it even more.
Lappland : " Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean she loves me. Mom couldn't love me she didn't want me she didn't plan to have me, she was forced, there was no love. She left me because she had the opportunity! "
I say trampling the mirror with my foot turning it into dust under my feet .
??? :" You are petty, you don't know what happened then you don't know what happened to your mother however you already think that she left you as if what she did for you is not enough to know that she loved you. "
Hearing this I don't know what to say. With all the flustration I'm kicking the metal dumpster next to me destroying it in the process I'm going to hit it further but I can only grit my teeth. Leaning my back against the wall I cover my face with my hands again to think.
??? : " Did you even go looking for her ?. No, you sit staring at Blake without thinking for yourself "
I close my eyes as I don't want to fight it anymore. I remember it, the same cold dark room the sound of chains tightened around my neck. My mother with the same smile I always saw despite the darkness. And those laughs and acting joy over our heads spreading through the empty walls as if we didn't exist.
??? :" Believe what you want. You have in your veins the blood of a man who can only be called a monster, yet it is this blood that gives you your meaning. You think your mother does not love you, you may think so. I won't tell you to take revenge for your mother after all everything she did was by her choice ,however before you die at least take revenge for yourself. Because in my eyes your collar was taken off only for you to put it back on yourself. "
With these words everything quiets down to leave me with my thought. In a fit of hysterical anger with no way to discharge it, I lock it in myself . For a moment I stand still and look again at the sky where I see the shattered moon which is slowly being covered by dark clouds. I don't know what to feel, everything falls on my head. I am angry at the same time I want to cry what I should do with myself.
' Revenge would cost me too much, even for me it's not that simple. I used to always think about it to go back there and burn that place down. To impale my father on a stake for everyone to see and dance around him. However, this task may be the last one I do. Maybe I will indeed do it, but only when I feel that the end is near. '
Taking a bunch of deep breaths I know that in my condition I can't go home.
'I can't control myself I can hurt blake.'
'I've already done it once. I was so excited at my first time that I bit Blake , and even after that I sometimes feel like grabbing Blake and ... '
Putting these thoughts out of my head, I gather myself despite my anger, with the intention of leaving this alley.
' Maybe I'll go to the bar and get...
My thoughts are interrupted by the feeling of a hand on my tail.
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My worst self has reached its goal as it was the straw that broke the camel's back. With a feeling of indescribable anger, something in me snapped when instinct took over. Then everything around me became black and white as the world itself took on the appearance of being made of glass .
Lappland :" HahahAHaha
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