Capítulo 17: C17: Summer
[ Thursday, September 8 ]
The clock strikes at 7:24 pm when I arrived at the hospital that Johan told me where Vaughn is currently confined. The travel time from The Crown and this hospital wasn't a joke. I left the office at 5:30 pm and arrived here just now. Clearly, this city needs wider roads. The daily traffic here is a legend. But anyway, my complaints about what should be improved in the city isn't my priority today, but the health condition of my soon-to-be or might-be my brother-in-law.
I went to the nurse's desk to ask what room Vaughn is and informed me how to get to room 712 of the hospital's west wing which is good because I might get lost about the difference between the east and west wing of the hospital. As I pressed the 7th button of the lift and the close button for it to shut, a stranger in dark blue coat stopped the doors and entered the four-cornered lift.
Our reflections are seen in the mirror. He's holding a laptop with him, and a paper bag from a fast food chain. He noticed that I'm looking at his reflection and his eyes widened a bit when he noticed me.
"You're … You're Summer Monteverde, am I right?" I looked at his eyes to observe his reaction, but he flashes an expression that I couldn't read. It's pretty obvious, because the entire country knows me, but I can imagine that he doesn't want to make false assumptions so he verifies it, which isn't bad.
"Yes, that's me," I nodded. "Why'd you ask?"
"I'm the one you're talking to yesterday. I'm Johan, Vaughn's friend," He smiled politely, giving me a slight nod. None of us have any idea what else to talk about, and an awkward silence surrounded the two of us until the elevator bell rang for a second and opened, delivering us to the 7th floor.
Johan led me to Vaughn's room. He pushed the door open, and there he was, a pale man on a bed with dextrose pierced in his hand. His mother, Mrs. Alcantara is sitting next to Vaughn's bed, watching her son while sleeping. Mrs. Alcantara looked up to see me as she noticed the door opened.
Sadness and worry filled her eyes and some signs of hopelessness. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. As much as I wanted to comfort her with my words, it's not really easy to say everything's going to be fine because things don't look that way.
Of course, all things are possible. I don't want to think that Vaughn's not going to last – because according to my research, surgeries will be needed to remove the tumor. For some other patients, high doses of radiation therapy also apply to reduce the risk of reoccurrence. However, even after the surgery and/or the radiation, chordomas return to the same location where it first appeared.
However, high dosages of radiation can permanently damage his tissues. Aside from that, it can damage his optic nerve, brain stem and cranial nerves which can cause blindness or paralysis. The most recommended treatment is the proton beam therapy, which isn't available at all hospitals.
Currently, it's not available in the country, so Vaughn needs to be brought to a hospital outside the country for treatment. As for the life expectancy, nobody can tell, because it depends if it can be cured. They can live for a decade or more because the tumor grows slowly. I don't really know what to think about the matter, or how to react. It's too much to handle. What more if I'm in his mom's situation? What if I'm the patient who experiences this?
Vaughn opened his eyes, and his eyes found mine. He didn't say any word, but Mrs. Alcantara got the idea that Vaughn and I need to talk in private.
"I shall leave the two of you alone for now," she said with a weak smile, heading to the door. Johan followed her, closing the door behind him.
"Vaughn, I'm … I'm sorry about this," I held my cold and sweaty hands together, and rubbed my left thumb on top of my right hand. What else am I supposed to say?
"I think it's all hopeless, Summer. Everything no longer makes sense," he said while closing his eyes, heaving a breath. "I can't do this anymore, not in this situation. I can be discharged tomorrow at noon, but that doesn't mean that I'm all healed. Knowing you, you probably did some research already about the treatments that I'll be needing."
"You're right about that, and honestly it's not easy. Things are too overwhelming. I don't even know where to start. Amethyst needs you, so you need to hold on and live," How I hope that Amethyst see things that way. I don't want to think that I'm just trying to cheer him up, but I'd be lying if I'll say that it's not a part of my intention.
"Does she? Do you really think that she needs me? We all know that she's likely to be alive. If she doesn't hate me, she would've returned here and face me. I can't imagine it happening. I don't have the money for all the treatments, so, I don't think I'll even last. Exhaustion is the only thing that I feel now, you know? It's like all I want is to wait for my time to come. I've lost all my hopes."
"Don't you believe in miracles?"
"I want to believe in them, but I can't imagine it. If you think God really cares for me … why would he let all of these happen to me? I don't deserve this. What did I ever do?" Vaughn winced and his face started to turn red. Tears streamed silently down his cheeks.
Vaughn's words pinched my heart. As I see tears from his eyes, I couldn't hold back mine. I pressed my eyes to stop them from falling, but I failed. At the back of my head, I have so many words to say, but I couldn't articulate my thoughts and say it. I can imagine Vaughn's pain because I know how it's like to lose someone important, with the deafening thought that keeps on asking, "Does he still love me? If so, why can't he let me feel his presence? Why won't he show up?"
Our case isn't exactly the same, but at some point, it has a similarity. It feels draining when you're still loving someone you don't know if they still feel the same. The feeling sucks. I keep on focusing on my career, for it is the right thing to do.
However, whenever I'm alone and done with my work, Shawn crosses my head.
If I'm acting like this already, what more in Vaughn's case? I can imagine him thinking where Amethyst could be if she'll ever come back, does she still love him, and any similar thing. But in this world, it's not always filled with rainbows and sun shines. There'll always be storms. I've read so many quotes from the internet – one of those was how funny life is – you become friends from a stranger, love them deeply, and then you'll back being strangers, and the cycle repeats again and again. It's certainly sad, but it's the sad truth.
"Why are you crying, Summer?" Vaughn asked, his eyes narrowed.
"I'm sorry," I spoke while wiping my tears. "I can imagine your situation and put myself in your shoes. You know, I admire you for staying strong even after everything. You almost lost it all."
Vaughn's lips twitched and avoided my eyes. His hands are together and his right thumb rubs the fingers of his left hand.
"Stop trying to lift up my mood, it's not going to work. I'm alive but I no longer see the sense of living. It's like, I'm only waiting for my death, you know? How do you think can I go on with life? I don't even know where to start. Like I said, I want to believe in miracles, but I'm tired. I keep on rejecting the thought that I can't do this anymore because the facts are saying that …" he cleared his throat and fixed his dark brown eyes on mine. "It's just that, the emotional pain hurts even more than the physical pain that I'm experiencing. It was never my intention to break her heart, but I still did. How can I even forgive myself? It makes me feel guilty, every day."
"Stop it. You have to move on. Of course, the problem is there, but focus on the present and future and not the past. The damage is done, you cannot undo it. For now, don't stop praying. It's hard to be positive, but you must. Don't let your emotions consume and affect you. I'll continue your search and support your medical expenses." Vaughn's facial expression didn't change even if I told him that I'll help him with everything. Ungrateful, but I get it. It's not really easy to handle all these things.
"Listen," I began as I leave the topic about the search and financial assistance. "Trials are meant to make you stronger, not weaker. It is a test of faith. I remember that just this year, there was a movie where the protagonist has a Pseudo-Obstruction Motility Disorder, that's … when the top stomach works but the bottom doesn't work. That kind of illness doesn't have a cure yet like yours, but a miracle happened to the protagonist. There was this point in her life where she's in a life and death situation and she had this vision that she was in heaven when she was unconscious. But when she woke up, they just noticed that her belly is already small, and all the pain's gone like nothing at all happened. The movie happened in real life. So, it's some kind of adaptation. Miracles happen every day to everyone, Vaughn. Trust God."
Vaughn paused, trying to process everything. I really hope that it'll leave him thinking, that even though the facts are all saying that there's a very little hope left. There's always the struggle between the thinking and feeling – it's not always wise to listen to the heart, at least in my opinion.
But the fact that the heart exists means that it has a purpose. It won't be there for nothing. As of the moment, Vaughn needs to embrace the things that can happen than what is happening. Embracing the current situation will just drain him even more since he lost Amethyst and now he's sick.
The corners of his lips suddenly rose, lightening his mood at the very least. "Do you have a story about a dying person who got married but died anyway? I believe you've got another one. I know how much you like watching movies."
"Well, in 2002, there was this movie wherein the girl has leukemia and she still got married but died so soon. Four years passed, but the guy still hasn't forgotten his wife and that's how the story ended."
"You summarized the entire thing in two sentences. I can tell that you're not in the mood," he chuckled. "Do you have another one?
"You are such an abusive jerk," I accused, my head nodding slightly. Vaughn grinned and looked away, stopping himself from laughing. "I'm not here to tell you bedtime stories, sonny." I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't help but chuckle. At least, it lightened up the mood. It's good that at least he can manage to laugh a bit. He needs that laughter.
"Alright, let me tell you another one. It's not a happy story, but in that novel, the girl and the guy were best friends in college. But then, the family of the guy migrated, so they had to separate. They love each other, but they know it's not going to work because things are too complicated. Years later, they met each other, but the girl's already dying because of leukemia. The doctor said that her days are counted, so people must spend time with her. Then, the girl requested for the guy
to bring her to a beach. He was carrying him on his back, then the girl sang. A few minutes later, the girl stopped holding him, and the guy already had an idea what it means. He called her name, but he didn't get any response. When he brought her down, she's … gone." I remember my reaction well when I was reading that book. I was tearing up, but honestly, I prefer tragic endings than happily ever afters. Life doesn't always end with a happy ending. There are so many things in this world that we want to have, but we can't.
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