Capítulo 77: [Kurokawa] Please stay away from me...
Why...Why was C here?
Should he not be in class with Rachel and Laura?
Why did C have to come to this place? For what purpose did it drive him to be here right now? Did he come off his volition, or someone told him to do it? No. That was wrong. There would be no way for C to become a pushover guy like that. Even though he never showed it, I knew deep down C was a man of reason whose ideals mattered the most. He would never let someone dictate his life if he had the chance. Everything C did must make sense in his own thinking.
That was also the reason why I was so attracted to him. Whenever I heard his inner voice or peered into his memory world, I was delighted to see someone akin to myself.
In terms of a novelist, C was He who carried grief, he who harbored desperation, he who sacrificed, he who suffered...
He...who I admired.
Knowing that cute faceless guy, C must have come here by his own will.
As for a reason to come here, I could figure out a thing or two after giving it a second. C was not fond of the harem aspect of this world, probably due to our true nature of being yanderes. He, out of all people, knew how devastating a yandere harem would be and had been trying to let us down as gently as possible. His intention was simple: to not give us the bad endings. Inside and outside of him were similar. C wanted nothing to do with romance with the main characters, namely Rachel and me. In fact, he never wanted romance with us at all. So I could easily dismiss the possibility of him seeking my attention. Then again, what could I offer...
For him to go out of his comfort zone to find me, putting his life on the line, there would not be any other viable answer than the storyline itself. In class, C had already mentioned he would do anything possible to...save me. And now, he was merely executing his previous resolves. He wanted to rescue me from the fate of being killed by this system and nothing else. The silly faceless guy would never ask for anything extra. If he were in one of my fantasy books, he would be selfless hero who never wanted compensation, even when offered a hand in marriage. All he did was for the sake of his kindness.
It was not his fault, but I still felt a dark emotion swirling inside my chest.
I was immensely disappointed. Kindness in the wrong place at the wrong time can create unimaginable consequences. For those who never wanted it but something much grander, giving that to them would be a sharp blow to their heads.
At that moment, I cast my eyes down to the broken pieces of the mirror, looking at countless reflections of my face. Without much effort, I could see the hideous scar on my forehead from various angles. They were mocking me, cussing at me, telling me I was unworthy of being loved for eternity. Not even your Mother, whose flesh and blood you shared, could adore such an abomination, then why should C be any different, they laughed.
Still, was it wrong to hope for something else?
C, was I wrong to expect...something warmer? A wholesome, energizing sensation? Was I wrong to think you sought me out because you wanted to be with me? Was it too much to ask for?
Was a girl wrong to hope for light inside her dark and forsaken world?
Then again, in my case, what could I do with just love? I would never be the strong and straightforward character Laura was or the cute and cuddly Rachel. My feelings were heavy, and it would burden anyone who got close enough to me. C already had enough on his plate. He should not have mine. Rather than changing C and making it better for him to live, I would say my thoughts would plunge us down to the deepest layers of the emotional hell.
Perhaps. When the story has been written, it would be wrong for its characters to hope for anything else.
I was not looking for a savior, a protagonist, or a hero. Never did and never would be.
I was looking for acceptance.
I was looking for... a companion. And C, despite being the best candidate, was not prepared to give me any of it.
My heart was filled with sorrowful thoughts. Once again, I could not contain the streams of tears on my cheeks. All this crying was getting on my nerve, but controlling it was futile, so I let it be. Maybe after running for a bit longer, my lacrimal glands would dry up, and the tears would stop automatically. That or I would die because of dehydration. Both were good. If I could die from it, then please, by all means. Release me from this suffering. It would be best if the Kurokawa of the subsequent iterations did not remember this one.
Because their pain would be multiplied.
The blood on my hand was still dripping down. It was neither small nor shallow, yet it could never be equal to the pain in my chest. I always had a high pain tolerance anyway.
Then, I exited the restroom, not caring about the open wound. I was already so mentally exhausted to try and do anything further.
"Hi, C." I waved my good arm at that faceless guy like in the morning, not bothered with acting like I did not know he was there. If I was going down anyway, there would be no need to care about some made-up rules. They were made when the players were on my side. Now, it made no sense anymore.
C jumped. "H-hello, Kurokawa!"
[Ack! That startled me. Hold on... Is that blood?! And she is crying, too? What happened? Is her event starting already? No, that should not be it. It is still damn too soon!]
"Kurokawa! You're bleeding!!" He pointed at my arm with such haste. His voice was high-pitched.
"Yeah..." I nodded slightly.
"Um, are you okay?" C's voice clearly sounded like he was worried about me. However, when I thought about why he cared, there was a heavy sigh.
[She is behaving quite weirdly. Is she mad at me?]
It was not his fault. I was not mad at him. I just... I...did not want him to show me kindness and then say he could not be there for me. False hope would be the last thing I need in this instance. The more he tried to approach me, the more I desired his warmth. And the moment he denied it, my heart would stop beating.
It was like that with Mother.
"Yes. I am," Just like that, I brushed C off and tried to walk back to class.
Unable to figure out what went wrong, he stared at me, dumbfounded.
[I did not do anything stupid this time, did I?]
No, you did not. It was this world that was wrong. It was the entire premise of my existence that was wrong.
It was the injustice going on right now that was wrong.
You, C, had never been wrong.
I was in the wrong here. And I was sorry for putting up this pathetic side of me for you to see.
"...Aren't you hurt?!"
"Not really. Just a scratch," I replied. "This is nothing to me, you know."
"I..."
[I do.]
"Come on! Let's head to the infirmary to get you some bandages. The wound looks ridiculously big, Kurokawa. You should not take this so lightly."
[Because she is used to pain does not mean she can walk away like this. She allows it. I do not! The wound could infect her and cause various complications!]
He scolded me like how a boyfriend would.
How I wish that to be the case...
"I don't want to," I claimed harshly. Hopefully, C would understand my hidden tone and leave me alone after this.
"I don't care. We're going! Now, I can't let your arm be like this!" Contrary to my belief, he did not falter. Even his voice has changed to a much stronger tone than before, almost commanding.
I adored that deeply. Standing in front of C, I could still see a look of seriousness on his almost featureless face. His care brought me great joy, yet, at the same time, gave me great misery, thinking of what was coming up next.
After a few seconds of a stare down, I finally gave in. "Okay."
"That's good, Kurokawa!" He sighed in relief.
"On one condition!" Using my good arm, I raised the index finger.
"Anything. As long as you follow me to the infirmary." He strongly claimed.
"I would like you to tell me why you got here and are alone. Where are Rachel and Laura? Your girlfriends?"
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