Capítulo 17: Entry 17: Friend
June 18, 2016
I've got a thousand thoughts running through my mind...
Someone told me the reason I can't seem to let go of my feelings for Dash; was because I have regrets. Regrets that keep lingering on me. Just like what happened today, it's only our first day, but a lot of things had happened.
First off, the universe kept giving me reasons not to get over him by having our seats next to each other! Yeah, you read that right, we're once again seatmates. Who am I kidding tho, I got ecstatic as soon as we settled into our seats.
Unfortunately, we just had a small talk I don't know my stupid self made the atmosphere awkward even though Dash's trying his best to strike a conversation with me. I suck at doing this with him. But I redeemed myself in the end. I could finally control my feelings and had a conversation with him without panicking.
I remember how my heart beat so fast as I try to act normal around him, but I swear I could feel my cheeks burning up even though we're just catching up. I don't know what's happening to me anymore.
Of course, it would not be Dash without him teasing my big forehead, but I couldn't care less actually I'm thankful for this big forehead because it helped me in some ways. We, once again, got to talk about him and Thalia, which will be another story to unveil.
Lunchtime came, I immediately shared with my friends what happened. They all laughed at my reaction and just shaking their heads disappointed at how I'm acting right now. Well, I can't blame them, I already told them I'll be getting over Dash over the summer, and yet here I am again, can't stop squealing over a shallow thing.
The day went on. Dash talked little this time, which made me kind of... sad? I don't know—I'm probably hoping for too much. So, I just shake it off and listened to our teachers giving us some orientation.
Also, I almost forgot. I got to meet one of Dash's friends, too. His name is Kier, Kier Ocampo. My other friend introduced me to him before and I found him kind of intimidating, especially with his stern look. He's a chubby guy and I believe Dash's only 2 inches higher than him. Now, he's part of my research group what a small world don't you think?
June 30, 2016
I made a new friend today!
Kier and I are warming up with each other. He's not so bad after all. He's also fun to be with because of his corny jokes and banter. Kier made the research less stressful. Not only that, I also got to catch up with my other friends in our class too! It was fun. It somehow helped me forget about Dash, but of course, I won't be writing here if I won't tell something about him, right?
So, while I'm out here making friends, he's there making himself busy around girls. How sneaky, right? I just I'm that stupid to assume that something might turn out differently this time. When the hard truth's already slapping me in the face.
The universe seemed to like to make fun of me all the time. I believe I used the saying, 'So close yet so far' too many already. But it's completely accurate! Especially with our situation right now. I could do something to get his attention all over me, but I don't want to look desperate.
It's just frustrating to see that he's getting close to the person who's seating in front of us—which is a girl, btw—when in fact he can just talk to me. See? I already sound selfish and desperate I don't want to be more desperate than I am right now.
He's so frustrating. That's why I don't get why did Thalia even try to reach out to me last time. When I'm on my way to our classroom, she stopped me and asked about Dash. She also asked if Dash said something about her. It looks like she still has feelings for Dash and wants to fix their relationship.
Of course, I didn't tell her anything. I won't snitch on my friend. So, I just told her that Dash and I don't talk much anymore, which is half-true because we truly don't talk much anymore, but I know something about their relationship.
Right after I said that, I walked away and continued walking to our classroom. I couldn't look at her straight in the eyes, not because I lied to her but because I could see myself through her. That desperation in her eyes. Do I look like that? It's scary to be put in that situation.
It makes me wonder, should I keep putting myself in this position? Is it even worth it? Can't this be a simple happy crush? Why does it even have to hurt? UGH! This is so frustrating.
July 3, 2016
I started writing poems to express my feelings...
Dash has been treating me differently. He only sees me when he needs help with something. It's kind of infuriating. I can't say no because this is the only time I get to talk to him...
This is scary. I've fallen too deep already. I don't think someone could even try to save me from this. I also arrived at a high level of pettiness now. I even ask one of my friends to take part in this absurdity.
So, I have this friend that I got to convince to write some poems too. I don't know, I just seemed to enjoy doing such a thing, and she seemed to be interested in it too. One time, she sat next time to me, while at the other side Dash's busy answering our assignment.
I asked my friend to check on my piece. She said she liked it, which I'm glad to hear about since I poured out my feelings into that poem. An idea popped into my mind. I told her I'll go to the restroom and her job was to ask Dash what he thinks of the piece.
But this bitch chose to embarrass me and asked Dash right in front of me instead. "Hey, Dash!" she called. Panicked took over my body and swiftly took the notebook from her. She ain't done though she aggressively took my notebook and gave it to Dash!
The guy looking all confused with the argument happening right in front of him. I looked at him with panicked and mouthed sorry for dragging him into this. Jaime, my friend, blocked my way to get out of this. I know this is my plan, but I didn't want to hear his thought personally!
I don't want to hear his comments personally about my poems. I slapped Jaime the moment I was alone with her and it felt satisfying, but it got me more frustrated when she just laughed at me.
Anyway, what happened next was that Dash accepted the notebook, a bit hesitant, but still looked at the notebook at the end.
"It's a piece Maia's working on. What do you think?"
My eyes widen when Jaime spilled the beans. I was ready to fight this bitch when Dash spoke.
"Really? Are you okay Maia? This is sad."
Concern was written on his face when I turned to his side. No, please don't look at me like that... That's what I wanted to say to him. I got mad seeing that look on his face; I don't why but that's what I felt.
I took a deep sigh and gave him the sweetest smile I could give and said, "Of course, I am! I don't know has gotten into me to write such a thing." I even giggled at the end to hide my frustration.
Jaime seemed to enjoy pushing my buttons when she started asking more questions. "But what do you think? It's good, right?" Excitement was even evident on her face. I can't keep listening to this anymore, so I made an excuse.
I didn't want to hear his answer anymore. I feel pathetic to even want to know his opinion about it in the first place. I don't know why I feel this way in the first place, but I believe something might have hit on me when he said those words. What's worse is that it came from him.
All he saw was the sadness on those words and not the feelings I genuinely feel towards him and that sucks...
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