Capítulo 46: I Don't Know (Short Story)
Wondering about some things is natural. Wondering with cautious curiosity is normal. Wondering about the choices presented in front of you in order to take the next step in life is typical. To wonder of your existence? Well...that's a dangerous category.
Discovering our purpose in life, good. Wanting to kill every fiber of your being because you have no clue on why you're even here and you'd be better off NOT being here? Debatable. Usually a sure fire yes does the trick, but we are talking about me here, God. ME. You know, the extreme introvert who's a complete weirdo and has no sense of self. Who tries to look at optimism over pessimism, yet falls shorter and shorter by the hour. Story of my life, if I exist at all.
I wander around like a zombie. The tightness of my scarf keeps my head covered and safe. From the way I move, you'd believe that I was just tired. Even after brushing my teeth, showering, and cleaning the house. Just fatigued. A cup of green tea or coffee only momentarily does the job. Tis more for fat loss purposes anyway since I don't eat until much later. I like to get chores done and read for some time before the chaos ensues. In many more ways than one.
In my body, in my head, in the house, it lives. Difficultly, stress, anger, resentment, the burning passion to kill. I can assure you, tis quite concerning. For someone my age, you'd expect a job to be around the corner. You'd expect a year off to celebrate graduation or to prepare for university in the fall. Having a license and a sense of passion and excitement for the future. But that person lasted only for a moment, and they stubbornly have an intention to stay away.
I don't truly grasp if it is a problem or not. I'm used to the enclosed walls of the house. Surely, I do enjoy alone time. Very much so in fact. Solitude relaxes me. I'm used to the faces around me, although I prefer when they are away and don't nag me for once. I'm thankful for them as much as I am wishing that I could send them to Neptune for a century or two. This is isolation for me. An oh-so lovely, toxic relationship.
I have my days or boredom, too. I can sit down and unwind, yet be so frustrated when it's too long. Still, I don't like seeing faces all of the time. Especially those who irritate me or just get under my skin. But even when I am around the ones I like, it's still draining, and not in a normal way. As I sit down at the house, I find that I am alone. Everyone is preoccupied at the moment. You'd think this would be blissful. But again, frustration rears its ugly head. It's either I hurt myself until I bleed, scream, cry, or all of the above. My head comes in handy when this feeling surfaces. Silent, deadly calls that never come to fruition. And I'm proud of that.
Still, I don't know how long it will be before I dare to try. As much as I trust You God, I don't trust myself. Do I believe that I am trying hard? Yes. Do I think it's enough? Absolutely not. No matter how hard I push, there's never any satisfaction. In a way, that's good. To use that as fuel to keep going. Because You are worth it to me more than anything and anyone. However, then a question begs repeatedly by the day; am I too hard on myself? Do I go too far? Do I try to recreate myself so much so that I can completely reject whatever is inside of me? Well...that's an answer that I'm not ready for.
Nevertheless, I'm still striving as we speak. The unavoidable world that is my head creates an ongoing battle. Back and forth. Back and forth. One side is supposed to win. One side is supposed to lose. Sometimes, it splits even. But what do you do when you don't know if you're winning or not? What do you do if it's just part of who you are? I don't know. And maybe I don't have to know yet. Righteousness beats the wicked. Good overcomes evil. That's already a reason for hope. Overall? I have You dear Heavenly Father, which means despite the trials, I never will have to fight alone.
Status de energia semanal
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