Capítulo 25: Love
"I think it's better to go with a real kiss. This scene is really important. So….you should think it twice!"
She was calmly looking at him while saying this...
There was not even a single ounce of vacillation in her voice. She had clearly told him to kiss another woman!
He was indeed hurt by her words. He didn't know why. However, suddenly he felt the urge to hurt her back!
"Ok!", he said, closely looking at her calm face.
But he was not ok. Clearly, he didn't want to act in a kiss scene. But why?
Why it's like this now? Hadn't he acted in so many kiss scenes before? He never felt this way. So why now?
Only one thing was crystal clear...
It's because of her that he is suffering now. He didn't still understand why he was hurt, but he was so sure that the reason was her! What added fuel to his anger was the fact that she was still calm and composed!
He told her to stay there, so he could do something about her. He wanted to see if she is really unconcerned. Since she said she is obsessed, since she kissed him a few days ago, maybe this could hurt her too. Maybe, at the last moment!
They were in the middle of shooting the scene, but Ryan was not able to maintain his cool and steady composure anymore. He was nervous. He definitely didn't want to continue acting in that scene.
At that time, out of nowhere, a strange question popped up in his mind.
If this girl, who is holding his coat and standing very normally a few meters away and looking at something on the ground, kissed another man, can he stay the same way as her?
'If she kissed another man, can I stay calm?'
Even if it is for an act, he can't. An obvious no!
How can he stay calm?
Suddenly he felt the urge to tear that unknown man into thousand pieces.
But why?
He turned once again in her direction. She was not there anymore. He searched for her in the crowd and found her walking towards the door.
He saw her walking away!
As he was going to chase her, the female lead's hands fell on his shoulder and she pulled him into a kiss. Their lips touched. Ryan Jin immediately resisted that kiss, pulled down her hands. He showed his hands to the camera, signaling them to stop.
Yuan Yu who was staring at Ryan didn't say 'Cut'. She should have said that earlier but she forgot as she was focused on Ryan. She had already observed his absent-mindedness. She had never seen Ryan like that before while working so she was also confused. When Ryan showed his hand to the camera, she understood that the situation is already out of control and said 'Cut'.
Everyone in the room was shocked including the female lead. It was not her fault but Ryan's. She did what the director asked for.
Within a few seconds, Ryan realized what he had done. He didn't know what to say and bowed a little and said sorry, to the female lead first then to everyone.
He suddenly started to cough!
Everyone understood that he asked for a break because of this. He kept coughing for a while.
"Ahem", finally he cleared his throat and turned towards Yuan Yu.
"I have a cough and cold. It may infect her. Please excuse me!"
He hurriedly walked out the door. This time he didn't chase Rhea. He went to his cabin then instinctively hurried towards the bathroom, opened the tap, and washed his lip, rubbing them again and again. He really couldn't understand why he is behaving this way.
A bizarre situation!
Had he gone insane at last?
Why is he feeling this way, as if he had committed a big sin?
Why?
He stared at the mirror. His handsome yet distressed reflection was clear on that clean mirror. He kept staring for a while.
Why is it him?
Why does he have to feel so exhausted because of all these feelings? Why is it only him?
Why doesn't she feel this way?
Why is it only him?
He couldn't help but feel neglected!
His confusing state and her unconcerned behavior vexed him.
Everything started to go wrong when he met her. His life, without his knowledge, turned into a mess. It's all because of her.
"Rhea", his lips mumbled.
'I think it's better to go with a real kiss', the words echoed in his ears. He kicked on the wooden shelf which was placed just before him. The toiletries fell on the ground.
He wasn't calm yet. He punched, kicked, and continued like this turning the room into a jumble.
Stress, pressure, and depression... He was holding them in for a very long time...
He finally found a way to vent them. Still... It was not enough!
"How dare she tell me to kiss another woman?"
He couldn't simply accept the fact that she doesn't care...
Finally fed up with everything, he stood still without knowing what to do next. In his whole life, he had never felt this way. Never felt this exhausted, deserted, and lonely.
He didn't know how long he stood like that, but later he heard her voice!
"Mr. Ryan!"
".....", he fisted both of his hands.
"I'm coming in!"
"....."
He heard her enter the room.
"Mr. Ryan did you….", hearing her voice, he swiftly turned towards her.
The calm girl! She was there worried about all the things that fell on the ground.
So what if he threw everything and made a mess? He himself was already a mess.
A mess! Yes, that's what he is now.
He was fine living far away from this industry and her. Although it was not really that great, it was far better than the current torture he is going through. Now, he was really feeling uneasy, almost choking because of his incapability and confusion.
"What's wrong?", she asked. Everything was wrong around him. What should he say? Should he say that it's him that is wrong?
"Why are you here?", he asked. Why are you there for me every time I suffer and abandon me every time in the middle?
Rhea didn't know how happy Ryan was whenever she was on the set. Her presence is like an oasis in a desert, for him. He was willing to go to the shooting because she will be there. Every day, he waited till the evening for her arrival! She would never know how he longed for her the last year and how much he yearned to see her the past few months, every day.
He was expecting her and only her. But she? She had her life. She had her friends.
What was his name? Bryce? Ryan wasn't sure that if that Bryce was her boyfriend. At her age, it is quite normal to have a boyfriend. She had to help him, so she stayed away from Ryan. She didn't come to the shooting for almost a week.
A week! For a man who was waiting and only waiting every day, a week is more than he could bear.
These kinds of thoughts were making him go insane.
At this time she spoke again!
"I was searching for you. They need a retake. So I came to fetch you there and heard something break in this direction, so…", she paused.
"Why are you looking at me like that? What did I do?", she asked.
He didn't want to continue like that, struggling in front of her! But maybe he should let her know, why he is angry, at least.
"Where were you all this time?"
"I... I was", seeing her thinking, his mind started to assume so many unwanted things. Maybe she got a call from her friend or.... boyfriend.
He couldn't agonize any more. He just grabbed his coat and started to walk towards the door, as fast as he could.
"Mr. Ryan, stop.... please.... calm down."
He really wanted to go far away so he could, so that he won't hear her. But as usual, he listened to her in the end. It has been always like this. He always listens to her, no need to say what will be his reaction if she started to call in a pleading voice!
Seeing his instability around her, he got angrier and slammed the door. ".....", he kept quiet.
"I'll first make something for you to drink" she halted "plus your makeup is ruined. I can do a touch-up now"
This reminded him of the kiss scene a moment ago. It once again stirred his mind. He unreasonably started to worry, if that kiss scene will make her hate him! Maybe the old scenes... She would have watched them. This thought hurt him in another direction. The fact that she watched all of them, still not jealous even a little bit, hurt him!
"What's wrong Mr. Ryan?"
"I should be the one to ask you this"
Why are you never jealous?
Why do you always care and give make me believe that you are worried about me then ruin everything? If you are going to do this every time, you should have stayed far away!
Besides, she asked him to let her kiss him as a dare, then today told him to kiss another woman.
Did she really do everything for that dare? Was there not even a single ounce of... ounce of what? What is he expecting?
"What did I do?", she asked.
"Why did you go out in the middle?", if you are clearly going to push me into that and going to leave, then I can't keep going.
"There was no need for me to stay there. So..."
"Didn't I tell you to stay? Besides, aren't you the one who suggested it?"
".....", she kept quiet.
Rhea had always been a mystery. A mysterious source of happiness! He never knew why he really liked her very much from the beginning, why he wanted to spend time with her, and why he was so happy around her. Ryan thought that it was because of her personality at first. Later, when he kissed her, he found that this was something more than affection. He clearly understood that she was so special and so important to him. But he didn't want to give their relationship any name!
May be her age or his current situation... He didn't know what it was. Ryan only wanted one thing. He wanted her to have a peaceful life and he understood it was impossible if she stayed with him. So he didn't want to see beyond that layer of fog in between them.
Now, clearly, after tormenting himself with these for a while, he realized that there was a foggy screen in between them which didn't let him see what was real. So he wanted to see through it.
What is she? Why am I so sensitive when it's her?
With so much curiosity, Ryan walked towards her, trying to sort out this puzzle. But at last, he was stopped by her!
"Mr. Ryan.… you….", she stammered. He waited for her to speak.
"Mr. Ryan, you are too close!"
This intrigued him.
She doesn't want to get any closer! Rhea had unknowingly hurt the wounded lion once again!
Before that day, he had been trying his best to keep the distance as possible as he could. He had always been worried, that he will end up doing something rash, just like what he did in Alaska. To protect her from himself, he had been doing this. But that day she kissed him! She may have done this as a dare, but he was unable to sleep that night. He was angry. Not to mention that she had stayed home the next two days. Even she hid from him the following days as if he is the one who violated her!
In his confused state, thinking everything, he was truly angry. He suddenly wanted to punish her for all her mistakes!
"Close? So what? Didn't you kiss me that day? Wasn't I this close then?"
"I thought we have already sorted out the issue.", she said. She clearly was not happy with him mentioning her crime.
"Nothing can be solved with words. 'An eye for an eye.' Have you heard of this idiom?", he continued. He is not letting this go this time!
"Wh... What?", she stammered.
"I'll give you another option, just as you did. Give me the truth!"
"Tr... The truth?", she asked. She was obviously scared and worried.
"Why are you going this far every time? Is my love life interesting enough to bet in exchange for your kiss? Why did you kiss me that day?"
"I thought you won't let me kiss you and will tell the truth."
"Why my truth matters to you? Matters enough to go this far?", this time, he was internally pleading for an answer.
"Don't you know?", she asked. He didn't move and was waiting for her next words. "I am your fan, I have an obsession. I care about you a lot", she jabbered.
"That's it?". he felt cheated. Every time, this was her answer. A fan? Who wants you to be my fan? Obsession? Not greater than mine!
"Mr. Ryan, an eye for an eye right? Kiss me and let it slide! It will make us even!"
This time he was not shocked as the last time. Instead, he was stormy! The word anger can not explain what he went through!
Kiss...
Is it that simple to get away with?
Besides, she was clearly showing her cheek. But this time, he is not going to let her escape that easily!
"Rhea, do you know what a 29-year-old man understands by 'kiss'?"
Her fear was written all over her face, but there was also traces of her courage and disbelief.
"You still think I won't do it?"
"I..."
He wanted to punish her for all her mischief. How dare she is? How could she play with his heart?
Yes, punish her...
She should know that no matter what, he will kiss her if there is a chance...
Of course, she should know he is not what she thinks. He is not a piece of wood without any feelings. She should clearly know how much she is making him go insane. Also should know how much affection, care, and desire he harbors towards her!
Let her know!
Hug her so tight until she feels the pain!
Kiss her so hard until...
After that, anger blurred his already collapsing conscience. The world became a blackout for him. She was the only source of light. The only thing he was aware of was that he is kissing her. He was kissing the girl, he had longed for. He didn't know why he is doing that mistake a second time. He didn't know why, he is kissing her once again, more violently, more intensely, and more passionately. He was kissing her and that's it.
There may not be another day when he can kiss her. So it has to be today! He would just kiss her all he wanted! But no matter how long he kissed her, it was not enough!
He kissed her... He too didn't expect that he would kiss her like that. Finally, he could feel that she need to breathe in the middle of his forceful kiss. So he had to let her free. Still, it was not enough!
He buried his face in the curve of her neck.
He felt peace. After a really long time, he found peace there! Although he was panting it was peaceful. His mind was finally clearing. His mind was a lot calmer now. He was not angry anymore.
Ryan finally understood that he really needed this hug. He wanted to stay like this for a very very long time. But why is this baby bugaboo is too short? How long he could stay leaned, just like that? First, she should be on the same level as him so he can stay peaceful a little longer.
He reluctantly got away from her, lifted her, and sat her on the table.
He once again wanted to find shelter in an embrace, amidst the fresh fragrance arising from her...
But before that, he wanted to take a look at her face.
Her face, what would it look like after a kiss?
He looked at her!
She looked dazed, confused, and scared!
Ryan felt his hurt race then ache to see her like that.
Wasn't he already guilty enough? Then, why would he want to kiss Rhea again and again?
This time, she was already looking straight into his eyes.
Her clean face showed signs of uncertainty. It was pale before the kiss but now it's flushed and red.
Her eyes were expecting an answer from him.
".....", he doesn't know what to say, to console her.
But he understood!
He understood why he is out of control.
It has always been her. His source of happiness, peacefulness, and... craving.
He wanted to hug her, kiss her and be with her all the time, for a very long time.
Their relationship was not normal. It's not normal at all.
Thump thump thump.... he could hear his frantic heartbeats.
He wasn't stupid. He knew deep down this a long time ago, when he realized no one ever had an impact on him the way she did. She stood far too closer to his heart than anyone else he knew in his lifetime. It wasn't just any bond. He knew what it is. He might have never experienced it, but he have pretended to have it with Ying Yue before.
Love... That's the name. The thing that ruined his mother's life. Something he never wanted. Something he never thought capable enough to plaque him.
Love.
He loves Rhea.
Finally, he surrendered. He leaned forward and pressed his head on hers. His heart was a lot faster now. His breathing was still disorderly.
He knew love is volatile. He knew love is dangerous. But it appeared it was impossible to stay away from her at that moment.
'I goddamn love you,' he thought as his hand tightened around her.
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