Capítulo 3: The First Day of Work
I've never been much of a morning person, especially when getting up early for work for a place like I.M.P. I found myself waking up and having some strange breakfast cereal they must have as a specialty in Hell. Still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, I was lucky to have showered the day before but hopefully I might get some of my own clothes when I get a chance. After that, Millie had some help from Moxxie making some impromptu getup so that I could pass up as a demon or at least a very tall imp (don't worry, I thought of a cover story in case anyone asked).
We arrived at work at about 9 o'clock a.m., and parked just outside of a large squared skyscraper with two horns sticking out of it. How subtle. We went inside as I punched in with the imp couple. Before business could proceed, there was to be a mandatory meeting for everyone. Their office was stationed on the tenth floor as we took the elevator. We reached the floor and found the office labeled 'I.M.P. Headquarters'. Again, how subtle. We walked into what was the meeting portion of the office from yesterday as we saw Loona and Blitz were already here.
We all sat down for the impromptu meeting as I took a seat next to Loona to balance out the seating arrangement with Moxxie and Millie sitting the opposite of us. She didn't seem to care as I pulled the chair out for her. I mean, hey, I may be in Hell but that shouldn't stop me from being a gentleman. Surprised but taking it well, I saw her smile a little and sat as I pushed it in for her. I took my seat to the left of her as Blitz took to starting the meeting while Loona just attended to her phone. "Typical teen stuff." I thought.
"Okay everyone. Before we begin, let's first address the elephant in the room. That elephant being the obvious human sitting before us," said Blitz, gesturing to me. "You all remember him from yesterday so let's just follow the standard teamwork bullshit and have him introduce himself, why he's here blah-blah-blah. Barry, if you may?"
"Oh yeah sure, Blitz." said I as I stood up with eyes on me. "Remember, short and sweet," my brain told me. After clearing my throat, I addressed myself to everyone present. "Hello everybody. I'm Barry Townsend of Troy, Michigan. I'm the new janitor here, by my own will and not being under the threat of being killed." I gave a nervous chuckle which had no effect. "Anyway, I'll be the very best that I can as an employee of I.M.P. and do whatever it takes to help keep this company alive. Thank you." I sat down as it was just quiet. Everyone else did the same but just the short version, though I wasn't too far off when it was revealed that Moxxie and Millie were husband and wife. Loona, as expected, seemed to be a bit disinterested when reintroducing herself; at least she respectful enough to say 'hello'.
With pleasantries out of the way, we moved on to business. "Alright now I know that business has been...a bit slow lately. Yes, and it's no one's fault okay? I'm not naming any names here-" Blitz went on, until adding in "Moxxie." And I have to say, as disrespectful as that may be, it was a bit funny seeing Moxxie's reaction to Blitz's remark like 'What the hell, man?'.
"Now, does anyone here have any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?"
Just as I was thinking about it, Millie spoke up. "What about a car wash?" she suggested in an encouraging and eager tone.
"This is Hell, Millie. No cares about cars being clean here, okay?" Blitz replied matter-of-factly. He thought for a moment and just when I had an idea, an idea of his own came to fruition. "Ooo, what about a billboard?" he suggested, his eyes gleaming with hope.
"We can't afford a billboard, sir," said Moxxie, as if he knew that it wouldn't work and part of me thinking 'yeah he kinda does have a point'.
"Helpful Moxxie, really glad you're in the room right now," replied a sarcastic Blitz as he came up beside him just to push him out of his chair. "Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?" He pointed a remote at a small TV and made it play some footage of anonymous people being killed by each of the imps and Loona. After that little showcase, the head imp sighed with satisfaction. "Ah, those were the good times." My eyes were wide with surprise. If these are the good times, I would hate to see what the bad times were.
"I don't need any reminding, sir." said Moxxie, interrupting my thoughts. "Considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you additionally paid to run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches." That did sound like some horrible business management on Blitz's part I have to say.
"Uh hey, excuse me." Blitz interjected, feeling offended. "What's obnoxious about a super fun jingle, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement is spitting bullshit." Another valid point, but it felt like we're going back and forth about this.
"People love musicals, sir." Millie added.
"Exactly Millie, and we're basically doing a musical." It now seemed that what happened next was Blitz trying to play the sympathy card against Moxxie. "Are you going to crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?" he asked his skeptic employee.
"Sir..."
"Cuz right now, all I see is just my dad's asshole talking to me. Crushing my dreams of being who I really am inside." Now it like he was only acting at this point.
"Are you trying to crush his dreams Moxxie?" Millie asked her husband with a sultry look in her eyes.
"I...what?" asked a confused Moxxie.
"I thought I knew you." She didn't seem offended at all, but rather attracted to what her man was supposedly doing; as I took into consideration from the amused look on Moxxies' face.
"I can't believe you, Moxxie. After I made you employee of the month," said Blitz with a mock sadness, holding up an employee of the month plaque with Moxxie looking completely surprised getting his picture taken.
"Okay, sir!" said Moxxie, finally having a moment to speak. "I'm sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles."
"I liked it." Millie admitted truthfully.
"Do not...do not agree with him in front of me." It felt like upon saying that, Moxxie had a bit of a confidence issue.
"Barry, you're the new talent here. Your thoughts?" I heard myself mentioned and blinked in surprise that I was finally included into the conversation.
"Me? Well, if I may be honest, sir." I began, being careful about what to say. "I'd say the best thing to do is to try going a little further with customer satisfaction."
"And how exactly do you think we should do that?" questioned the boss with a brow raised.
"Well...if smart business sense dictates, I believe that people should know exactly what they're getting; as you clearly established earlier. But what if we went a little further?" I paused to see if I still had their attention, then I continued as I had Blitz's attention as he had propped his elbows upon the conference table and his head resting on his hands. "I suggest that we set up a business website that would include an option for our clients to choose how they wish for us to kill the supposed person they ask for. Although that would depend more on our budget. We could start being more inventive on how we kill them. If that's not enough, then we could also include customer reviews and feedback. After all, what better way to get more clients than knowing how previous clients were satisfied and that we can perform better depending on how well those reviews come out."
"Hmmm, interesting. Interesting." Blitz acknowledged thinking it over.
"Just who exactly is going to do that?" implied Moxxie, to which I replied, "I can try setting it up. I may have to brush up on my computer skills but I think I could definitely get it set up and I'll be more than happy to accept any help from anyone recommended."
"Now there you go Mox, see? Now here's a guy who thinks! Thank you, Barry," Blitz said, feeling most pleased (probably from not having to do all the work).
"I do have two thoughts about it though." I added. "The first concerns the commercial you guys made. I'm not saying it's horrible, far beyond it. I just think it could be better if we took out the killing of the kid part and maybe give the possible clients a small selection of prices depending on the age of the target; which does lead to my second thought/question. Has this sort of thing ever happened before, with what happened to the kid I mean?"
"So far, no it hasn't," said Millie.
"I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Loona's fault." Moxxie interjected. "Dispatch is suppose to give us the right info on the target. It's very simple."
"Oh sit on a dick, Moxxie," was the non-chilled response Loona gave him.
"Oh ho ho! What sass this girl has." I thought to myself. I tried to follow it up with a little joke by saying "Just don't have him on mine." Result: a little chortle from Blitz and a small smirk from Loona. Moxxie, not feeling amused, was trying to one up her with "You sit...sit on a...and uh...d...do your job!" was what he could think of. Sheesh, at least I came up with something! Moxxie had a layup and fouled it up entirely.
"Hey, now we don't blame our screw ups on Loona okay?" Blitz interjected in defending her and then said lovingly "She didn't do anything wrong." He went over and hugged his little hell hound who was not too keen on being hugged, given her growl of disinterest. She was either acting like an embarrassed teenager not wanting to be hugged or she really didn't want to be hugged. Either way, I wasn't going to take that risk unless otherwise.
"Are you kidding me, sir? She's awful." Moxxie replied.
"Come on, Moxxie. She can't be that bad, can she?" I asked trying to defend her. He then explained some examples like on certain days how rude she'd be when taking calls, 'denying' she faxed him a flier for weight loss, how she once ate his avocado salsa when having quote 'the worst hangover from that morning' followed by her storming out to just 'blow some fucking steam from his and Millie's assault' from what she did and kick some random mother imp's baby out of its carriage. I...did not know what to say about that other than 'no comment'.
Luckily I didn't have to if not for Blitz. "Look, the point is Loona here is a valued member of our family and we don't get rid of family." I looked to see Loona, not completely looking away from her phone, having a small smile on her face when he said that.
"We aren't a family, sir. You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat her like she's some troubled teenager. She's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones." No sooner had he said that that Loona just simply gave him the bird and not having to give a fuck, which made me chortle a little.
"That is offensive. Without homeless people, I wouldn't have half the joy and laughter I do in this life." While saying this, Blitz took a moment to walk to a window near him and open the blind to get a gleeful look at what are probably homeless imps outside of the building.
"While we're on the subject of 'family'," Moxxie resumed with the use of air quotes, "can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?"
"Come on, sweetie. It's not that big a deal," said Millie not seeming to be offended by Blitz supposedly was doing.
"Excuse me, WHAT?!" Moxxie seemed a little appalled that her response would be as such, so I wanted to clarify on he meant by that.
"Uh Moxxie, what do you mean by that exactly?" I asked out of curiosity. "Do you mean like wanting to hang out with you both outside of work or what? What am I missing here?" Moxxie was more than happy to explain what he really meant; like Blitz showing up out of nowhere in their fridge for some reason, showing up randomly at their place in the middle of the night, and on one occasion even so far as to interrupt an intimate moment the couple were having with a recording camera. By the end of his little tirade, he was looking more angry about having to reflect on such experiences.
"Just. Stop. Doing that," he said to Blitz, fuming.
"I don't see what the issue is," said an unfazed Blitz. "Something you don't want me seeing?" It felt like at this point, he was trying to get under Moxxie's skin just for fun. It seemed to be working when the bow tie-wearing imp looked more flustered.
"No."
"You're a baby wiener haver?" It was enough to get Loona to laugh like Muttley (I'm not old, I'm just cultured) and me to almost laugh as I restrained myself from doing so. I was staying with these two temporarily after all.
"Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!" Mox was now almost at the boiling point with a look of explosive anger as he stood up.
Seeing this, his wife tried to calm him down and bring him back to his seat. "Calm down Mox, you're gonna have another panic attack!"
"I am calm!!" And there it was. The boiling point leading to an explosive moment of anger. He soon sat down and began whimpering as his wife soothed him.
"Shhh. There, there." Millie cooed.
"Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff you do outside work hours so don't...judge...me," said our boss as he made the oh-so recognizable sign of finger through the hole before folding his arms in a mocking huff.
"Oh I do judge you, sir." Moxxie retorted. "Quite a lot actually."
"Mox, he's our boss!" Millie reminded him. Moxxie relented when she used that parental tone with her man.
"Oh no no it's fine, Mills," said Blitz. "Your husband is just, how do I this without being offensive...retarded." A shit-eating grin now plastered on his face.
"Has it always been like this?" I asked out the corner of my mouth to the still unfazed hell hound still looking at her phone.
"Pretty much," she said to me not looking up.
"Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad single life?" asked Moxxie not having any of Blitz's shit, not hearing what I asked.
"It actually does," replied Blitz looking smug at his more respectable employee.
It was at that moment Loona was now getting into the conversation. "The only reason you have a wife is that you're easy to manage," she said to Moxxie.
"No he's not, you bitch!" said Millie defending her man. She gave the devil dog the double bird while Loona snarled at her.
"Do not talk to my receptionist that way!" said Blitz cutting in. "She's sensitive."
"Yes I am," snapped Loona.
Things were getting heated when suddenly a voice came out of nowhere saying "You guys are all fucking assholes." We all turned to see a little human boy laying on a hospital bed wearing a blue ball cap, orange long sleeved shirt, dark blue pants and black shorts with a heart monitor attached to him. It was the same kid from the commercial!
"Oh my God! You guys still have him here?!" I exclaimed. I mean what the hell does that mean for me?!
"Oh shut up kid, you're lucky to witness this," said an annoyed Blitz to the child.
"Ugh, this company is such a mess." said Moxxie pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Alright, let's get back to talking about my outfit."
"I don't think we were talking about that sir," I said not really feeling the vibe with the obvious elephant in the conference room.
"Which is why I'm trying to get that ball rolling. So how does it look? It looks good, right?"
"It's been a literal hell having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me," the kid continued while taking off the monitor plugs. "But now I want that. I want death!" He then went on to roast them by first calling Blitz a selfish greedy clown, Moxxie a spineless jackass, Millie a slut supposedly wanting dick THAT badly, and Loona...well...he simply said he doesn't talk to dogs being a cat person. Everyone save for me looked insulted, hurt and pissed by the little shit's thirty second onslaught of insults.
After a small pause, Blitz finally spoke. "Wow! You know kid? You really are a piece of shit." Moxxie and Millie grumbled in agreement. It seemed I was next to be insulted when Loona's phone rang as it was in her hand. Wanting to ease the situation, I reached for it as I asked her respectfully and politely "May I?" She said nothing but allowed me to answer her phone as it went 'oof' upon accepting the call.
"Hello. I.M.P. If we don't successfully kill your first target, it's free. How can I help you? Uh huh. Uh huh. I see, and do you have a description of the target?" I looked at the picture sent to the phone and I looked. "I see. Okay, thank you very much. I'll be sure to tell them that. Oh, I am. I'm one of the new guys just hired. Alright, I'll tell them. Thank you. Goodbye now." I hung up the phone and handed it back to Loona saying thank you to her. "Well I got some good news. It seems that you guys had the right target after all, according to your client."
"Who?" asked Blitz to which I replied "Him," pointing at the human kid.
"Me?" the kid asked.
"Yeah pretty much."
"They wanted us to kill an actual child?" questioned Blitz again.
"Yup, that's what they're saying."
Blitz was silent for a moment. "Well, Christ on a stick! I guess there is a God." He pulled out his gun and shot the kid point blank in the chest. Now I know what you're all thinking about this. 'Oh my God, that's terrible!' And yeah, I too was thinking that for a moment but realized the little fuck had it coming insulting them all. And so they resumed to stab and beat his corpse, except for me and Loona; she just took a picture of it. They then ended up cutting up his body and bagged it up.
After that, Blitzy brought all four of us into a group hug. "You know even though this kid was a target, he's still a child. It's important that we handle this going forward respectfully." Annnnnd we dumped his body into his mother's arms which left me cleaning up the mess, scrubbing up the blood in the kill room. It was going to be an interesting questionable job. It may have some issues with everyone, but that's the reality of any business. And the best thing to do is just deal with it. However it was going to turn out, I'll see through it to the end.
PENSAMENTOS DOS CRIADORES 
Keaton_Jenkinson
Keaton_Jenkinson Hoped to do this by how the show is seen in chronological order based on what I’ve seen and possibly do a small tie in or cameo connecting to that when I have my take on Hazbin Hotel. I hope you guys still enjoy what is still to come.
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