Capítulo 3: Chapter 1
Sitting in front of our huge family picture wherein our family is still complete and happy. But now? Yes We are still happy but there is a missing piece that every part of our family wants to fulfill it. I Want to fulfill the missing piece.
My mother died when I was 14 years old and it hurts a lot. I can’t be with her in my entire life because she’s not here in this world and she’ll never exist again. She’s dead. That day I mourned so hard and regretted everything. The time we missed. I regret that. The time that we should enjoy. I regret it. Everything we missed. I regret it. And until now…. I still do.
When I was young, I used to be with my family. They are the only people that I wanted to be with because I am an antisocial person. Maybe I only want to be with my family because I am content with what I have. I am content with them. I have everything when I am with them. I wish for nothing.
Little by little my kuya teaches me how to interact with others and I kinda like it because I hang out with someone and I have fun with them. It feels good.
When I already make friends I hang out with them but not like the bond with my family. I just thought that they are just someone who I can play with.
When I met my friends, my family started to get busy. They are always away and I feel left and that time my friends and I started to open up to each other. We found each other’s stories and we experienced the same thing.
My parents explained why they got busy, why they can’t make time for me and that's because of work and I understand that. I understand everything because they have to work, they have business and that's their responsibility and also they are working for us. That is for us, for their children.
When I really wanted to spend time with them because I missed them so much they always said 'next time' but that next time never happened. That time I feel like they just threw me away, I feel like I am nothing to them.
The things that they used to do stops, like receiving a text if I already ate or drank my vitamins. They didn't even ask me if I am doing good, if I am fine or if I missed them. I never forget the things we used to do, I never forget them, I always miss them. But do they miss me, do they still think of me?
When my brothers turned into a collage student, their time for me got shorter too. We usually go to church every Sunday but now they are going somewhere to hang out with their friends. It was a little bit sad but I understand. I am not the only person in their lives, they need to socialize with other people, make friends with others. I do understand
I always understand because they will meet a lot of people in the future and become more busy but I just want their attention, just a little attention. I want to feel love again, I want the attention again. I feel like these things that are now happening, it’s too sudden. I am not prepared, I am hurt.
Thanks to my friends who are always there for me. When I feel so alone they are on my side giving me warmth and tenderness. I feel so important to them. I said that I don't need anything but my family but now I am eating all the words I've said. I need friends too like my brothers, I need to socialize like them, I need to stand on my own feet. My life is not rotating to my family but also to other people. I will meet a lot of people and not only my family. I need to socialize too like them.
And that day I learned to live on my own and I only feel the tenderness, love, care and support of my friends that I usually feel when I am with my family.
I used to live in our huge house but feel so empty that even my sighs made an echo. Well, it happened every night because every morning I’ll study and after that I will go with my friends and go and live my life. I know we were young at that time but I forget my problems and stop missing them when I am with them. I also want to be happy like them but sometimes when I get home the guilt is eating me, did I do something wrong. I didn’t! I am just enjoying my life instead of begging for their attention that they can’t give. My friends are there when I need someone and I never thought that I would treat them as my family and an important person in my life. I know it is corny but I love them.
It became our routine. Everyday they will go home late, I did that many times but in the end I didn’t see anyone in our house except for our yaya’s. Sometimes my friends also want to stay in my place because their parents have a trip or are busy to the point that they can't go home. They will tell their parents or caretaker and then they will approve because no one is with their child except for their maids. I just can't take it. Seeing my friends in the same position as me makes me feel so sad. And now we are leaning on each other because we have no one to lean on. To count on.
The day has come. They are not busy. They gathered in our living room. They want us to have family time but I have to go with my friends because it is urgent. My friend is broken-hearted, we, her friends, will go to her and comfort her and based on our situation we only lean to each other. I know that this is the first time again to have time with them but it would be unfair if I just leave my friends for my own happiness. I chose my friends and I left my house, my family. I know I wanted us to unite again but my friend needs me, this is not the right time for that.
When I arrived at the meeting place I saw my friend crying. I got worried because I am hurting when they are and I don't want it. I don't know how to comfort or advise a broken-hearted person because I haven't experienced those things. I want to fix myself before I enter a relationship and also I want a serious relationship not playing and having fun. Plus I am afraid to be left like what I am experiencing right now because no one is there to comfort me. I know my friend is there but damn! I don't want to be a burden to them because that's what I feel every time I tell them my problems.
We comfort her like we eat, play, buy some stuff to forget her asshole boyfriend. We are only in grade 9 and still enjoying our lives. I know they are too young for that but I understand. We wanted to explore and experience those things and part of that is an emotional scene when they are breaking up. I hope they wouldn't make themselves crazy for just a boy. It is just a boy. If that boy makes you cry then he is not a man. He is just a boy. And there are a lot of men who are better than her ex!
We were still having fun when my friend's phone rang. We let her answer the phone call and continue what we are doing. Playing on the playstation laughing there is no tomorrow. This day is very fun and heart-whelming. Even though my friend is problematic, we still have fun and I think she already forgot her asshole boyfriend.
When my friend came back after her phone call her face was dead serious. She's looking at me. Her eyes are glaring and tears are forming on the side of her face.
“What is wrong?”
“Look at your phone.” She's referring to me. She's looking at me intently. I nervously took out my phone. My hands are shaking while opening my phone and I feel like I am losing my strength, that even my toes are wobbling and about to fall. If she isn't that serious I wouldn't look for my phone but damn! I am curious and also scared of her.
I checked the phone and it shocked me because there were 40 missed calls. My phone is in silent mode and I don't know if there is someone who is texting or calling me. And there are a lot of messages coming from my kuys. I even saw a message asking where I was. And I need to go home. ASAP.
Seeing their messages makes me really weak. I even fell on the ground while I felt the tears flowing down on my cheeks. I am scared, I am nervous. I don't believe their text! Damn it! This is not true!
The text states that my mother is already dead. Damn it! They are just chilling in our house having some rest and now this is what I am seeing! Damn it! That is not fucking true! They are lying! They are not stating the truth!
I don't know how I got home. My mind is occupied and I don't know what to fucking think! We didn't even have a good talk and bonding! I want to shout at her because she left me. She left me when she's still alive and she left me and she's no longer alive.
I really can't believe this is happening. They are just here at our house and then I went out with my friends. How could happened she's dead? Everything was normal a while ago. What happened?!
Damn! We missed a lot of things because of her business! I hate it! I hate it! I don't want to live like a real princess, like an oh-so-rich! I don't want it! I want to have a complete and happy family! A complete and happy family!
Please, I don't want this to happen! I don't want to live without a mother. I don't wanna live with an incomplete family! I never thought of this! I never imagined that these things would happen to me! I don't want it! This is not happening! This is not true!
This is not true! They are all lying! Please! This is not happening! This is not true! This is just a dream! Please. I WANT MY FAMILY COMPLETE!
When I got home the faces of my kuya's were worried and mad. They were all worried because of mom and mad because I didn't answer their calls.
She died without me. She died without doing what we usually do every time she has a time for us and now she died. She died because of that damn. I want my mom back! This is not true!
“Her last word…” Zach says. He can't say the things he wants to say.
“What? Last word? What do you mean? Z-Zach this isn't true, right?” I'm scared. I really am. I don't know what to do. I don't know if they are stating the truth. I don't know.
“Listen to me first!”
“This is not true? You are wrong! She's still alive! She's still alive! She's not dead! She's alive! She is still on our couch lying with dad! Kuya! Tell me please! This is not true!” I cried. I still can't believe it.
“You want evidence? Do you want to? Wanna see her corpse? ! Ha! Do you want to?” He was about to drag me out of our house but I stopped and looked at him.
“What are her last words? I-I want to know.” I am now sitting on the ground. I can't stand it. I don't have the strength to support my weight. All I can do is to cry.
“Her last word is take good care of yourself and always choose the right way. Lys, her last words are all about you. But you're not there to hear all of that! You are not there! If you were there she would fight for her life! She still wants to be with you.”
“Are you blaming me? Huh?! Are you blaming me!” I shouted. “Is it my fault that I am not there giving her a hope to live?! Is it my fault?! Did I kill her!?”
“I didn't say that it is your f—” I halted him.
“But you are making me feel that it is my fault. That I should be there. Why are you making me feel that it is my fault Zach! Why? I didn't do anything! Why? I didn't do anything! I didn't.” Tears keep falling down.
“It is your fault! This is all your fault! You should be there! If it's not because of you! She is still alive! My mother is still alive! So the blame is all yours Lys. So stop shouting at us because you are the reason for this!”
Is it my fault that I am not there to give my mother a hope to fight for her life? Is it my fault that I left them and joined my friends? Is it my fault?
I left them because my friend needs me and they are always there for me when my family can't. Am I not allowed to be friends with others? Because they are the one who left me on air and makes me feel so alone. And now I just left and this shit happened. They are blaming me for not being there. This is not my fault! This is not my fault!
“THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! THIS IS NOT! THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! THIS IS NOT!” this is not! I am just returning the things they'd do to me. It's like I am avenging myself for the things they did to me and I didn't expect that things would turn the way. That she would die and now they are blaming me? Fuck it! This is not my fault! THIS IS NOT MY FAULT.
“Why are you crying?”
My senses back when my father asked me. He is behind me while we both look at our huge family picture. This always happens to me. After reminiscing about our tragic past I always end up crying.
“Nothing. I just miss her. . . . so much.” my voice cracks and I can't stop my eyes from crying!
“Shh honey. Your father is here hmm. We are always here. We love you. Your brother loves you. Let's just accept the fact that she is already dead. 5 years have passed and we need to move forward and continue the chapters of our lives.” I smiled and he kissed my temple.
“I just can't. She's my mom and that time when she. . . . when she died, we didn't have time for each other and we missed a lot of things. So moving on is indeed hard for me but I will try.” I miss her so much. I need her on my side. I want her to see that someday I'll make her proud. Someday she'll be by my side every achievement that I'll have in the future but she's dead and she will never be back.
“I am here ok? Daddy will take care of you. We'll take care of you.”
“Thanks dad. I love you.”
“Love you too. Fix yourself and we'll eat dinner with Fledirika.”
“Yes!”
Five years have passed and my relationship with my brother is now okay. I am hurt when they blame me and to the point that depression, anxiety and overthinking is there and I can't take it to the point that I want to end my life but I know that if I kill myself my mother wouldn’t like it. This is just a challenge and her death happened because there is a reason why she died. Everything happens for a reason. But still it is hard to accept it.
I just wore an Off-shoulder Long-sleeve Mini A-line dress for a formal dinner with Fledirika. We will talk about the wedding. Zach and Kisha will get married soon and now we will talk about it with Kisha’s family. I never imagined that my brother would get married because in the past five years I never saw them having a serious relationship with girls and now seeing my one brother will get married to a decent girl. I find it a miracle. I know that Zach loves Kisha. I am very happy for them, they've been through a lot as a couple as far as I remember and I think they are ready to build their own family and their love for each other is more than enough and that love leads them to a moment of every person that they wanted to do with their love once. I imagine that if they have their child and become their auntie I will definitely spoil them and give them lots of attention. I want to be an auntie. I want to have my own nephews.
Zonash has a good relationship with Kira. Kisha's sister. I don't know why my brothers like twins. They just court a twin. They are not identical twins but you can see that they are truly siblings because some of their features are the same but they are not identical. Maybe next year Nash will marry her. I am the only single in our family. I may hate it sometimes but I love it because I have a lot of time for my father and I won't miss anything.
While my friends? We don't usually hang out and see each other because college life is indeed hard and we need to focus. I know that after that past I know to myself that even if they have new friends they still treat me as their friends and the memories of ours are still there. We both do good to ourselves, family and friends and we are happy for that.
My wish has already happened thanks to our lord. This life is all I wanted and I already have it and I am very thankful for that.
“You done Lys?” Zach knocks the door.
“Just a few sec.” I look at myself in the mirror and smile. You look great Lyssa.
“I'm done.” I smiled widely and opened the door.
“Did you put too much makeup on your face, Lys? You're beautiful so you don't need to put too much makeup on your face hmm? And also don't steal the spotlight from Kisha”
“Zach, this is normal. I didn't put too much makeup on my face and also Kisha is more beautiful than me.”
“Okay fine. You say so. But you're more beautiful in my eyes, my second lady.” I laughed at his last word. My second lady, mommy is his first lady and I am his second while Kira is the third lady in his life.
I'm used to it. They usually tease me after that incident. And I am the only girl in our family except for their fiancé and girlfriend.
“Lys, Kiram is coming.”
“Kiram?” I asked. We are now going down because papa is waiting for us. Now I was wondering who Kiram is? I don't know him and I haven't heard that name.
“Woah. Have you forgotten? Kiram is the youngest in Flederika. Did you forget? Or you don't know him?”
“I don't know him. I haven't heard that name. And I only know that Flederika's sister had one younger brother but I don't know his name. So he is Kiram? The youngest Fledirika?”
“Yeah. I thought you already met Kiram but I was wrong.” He shrugged.
“Met? We haven't met but I am looking forward to seeing him.” I said. and walk straight to our van. Daddy is waiting for us to hop in.
“Okaaay let's goo.” Our father spoke like a child who won the game. He is always like that, he's like a teen but not, he is just going with the flow because his children are all young and acting like a millennial. He knows what we like and I think he does some research or he observes us. He's actually the best dad ever because when mom died he used to be our mom and dad and now look at us having good manners. He raised us very well. I am so proud of my father. That is the word I want to say to describe my father.
When we arrived at the Fledirika's resto we saw Tito Greg waiting for us and the twins. Kira and Kisha. Where is Kiram? I am looking forward to seeing him and now I think he is not coming. Hmm.. Maybe he is not the kind of man who likes gatherings and fine dining. I can't blame him because those things are indeed boring.
“Leo. Finally you're here! I am very excited to talk about the wedding. I never imagined that our family would become one. I am very happy, amigo.” Tito Greg roasts his seat and welcomes us.
“I am excited too, Amigo. I can't wait to see our two children saying their vows on the altar and being one." They bump their shoulders and tap their backs. Zach scratches his nape because he's shy.
“Amigo. Is this your unica hija? I can't imagine that she is now a woman. Look, your child grew up beautiful. Very beautiful.” I am a bit shy because of his compliment. Too much compliments makes me intimidated.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” Tito suddenly asks.
“I-I don't have Tito Greg.”
“Very good ija! You don't need a man in your life because you have us. Look, you have me, your father and your brother so there is no reason to look for another man.”
“She had a lot of admirers at her school. But thank god she didn't entertain them.” dad says.
"Good Lyssa. You don't need a man hmm? Wait until you graduate because you are still young. Enjoy being single, enjoy being teen.” Tito Greg tapped my back.. I’m no longer teen but they still treat me that way.
"Papa! Look at Lyssa! She is uncomfortable talking about that so please let's proceed to our table and eat." Kisha looked at me looking sorry for what Tito did. Yeah, I am uncomfortable but it is normal to talk about those things.
We go to our tables and wait for the food to be served. There is a vacant chair and I conclude that that chair is for Kiram and I think he is coming. Maybe he is just late.
"You know what Leo, you are lucky to have your boys. They are now a successful business man helping you, while me? My boy is so busy with his friends doing something fun to the point that he'll stay in someone's house and sleep there until the sun rises. I don't know what to do with him." Is he talking about Kiram?
"It is normal amigo. I've been through that. My boys always do that when they are in college and their reason is ‘project’ and ‘we need to finish that over night’ but they are just drinking and busy with girls."
"Look, I told him to be here but he is not. That kid is so hard headed. Let's just wait a few minutes, maybe he is on his way."
"It's okay Greg. I enjoy seeing our family like this. It's an overflowing joy."
“Dad, I'm sorry I'm late. I have to do some stuff that’s why I'm late.” He said and then bowed his head while scratching his nape.
“Ijo, are you always busy with stuff or you are just busy hanging out with your friends? Give your family time not your friend, Kiram. Family is more important than your friends! And please focus on your study Kiram! I didn't raise you like that. Fix yourself up.”
“Seriously dad? In Front of them? You're stealing my sister’s spotlight.” he said and then sat.
“Forgive me for being late and forgive dad for being noisy. I'm his favorite son so he's doing that. He loves giving his attention to me.” What the? I stopped myself from chuckling. What kind of guts he has that he can say that in front of his father.
“Kiram! Stop okay? Like what you've said, you're stealing my spotlight.” Kisha said, looking at her brother with glaring eyes.
“I'm sorry.” And there he is. He stopped like nothing happened.
Later on, the food was already served and we all ate. While eating they are talking about the wedding preparation and sometimes they are including business. They also mentioned when Zach is still courting Kisha, he’s scared of Tito Greg. It made us laugh. This talk is getting interesting and I am waiting for them to mention mom. I am waiting for dad to mention mom and tell us how they met and how dad courted mom during their younger days.
I wish mom was here, I’m sure she’ll be happy seeing his child getting married, doing things like this, talking with her daughter-in-law. I am sure she is the happiest mom ever.
Even though she is not going to see this, I am sure that she is here with us, guiding us along with him.
Looking at this kind of view makes me happy. Full of laughter, the sweet and genuine smile that plastered on their lips. It makes me happy. Full of happiness, I want to protect that happiness, this family. I don’t want to see someone ruining those happiness, ruining our family. I don't want to see them wreck because I know it will be painful. I promise thatI'll protect this family at all costs. I will love this 'til my last breath.....
I will love this Family 'til the end
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