Capítulo 4: CHAPTER 4: The Perfect Web

When you go in deep with someone, really deep down despite all odds and obstacles, but then it turns out you were the only one who was there in that unholy place, you begin to wonder. Real fundamental questions you wouldn't ask if you aren't actually hurt.

What was it like the first time? The very first look they give you. The very first thought when you saw into their eyes.

If you were able to freeze time at this first moment, would you still choose them?

Would you choose to fall if you knew that you will end up alone in a messed up zone, not sure if that was real or was it all in your head.

...

*Flashback*

It is really hard to choose between these dresses, I mean they are all elegant and classy. But I feel like none of them is appropriate enough for tonight. Because tonight is so special to me, to us.

I check my phone to see what time is it, and damn, it is 6:50 PM. He's supposed to be here at 7:00 PM, I am officially extremely late. I have to dress up in 10 exact minutes and do my makeup.

I still remember the first time we've met, I had a weird feeling, I couldn't explain it and even now I can't explain what I felt like when he smiled at me, a bright smile, the kind that makes you smile back uncontrollably.

It is hard to make me smile, without I plan it before, so when I smiled back then, I knew that it was different. I can't just unmet him, or forget what his face looks like, or forget about his smile, that makes life feel beautiful and lightning.

I just have an idea about what to wear when my phone buzzes, which means I got a message.

I take a look and see his name pop up in the screen and smile, he really is thinking of me just like I am thinking of him; every day, with every heart beat and with every thought.

He is the only thing in my mind; the rest is just a background.

I grab the phone to read what he sent to me

"I can't wait to see you my beautiful girl, this night will be the best night in our lives. See you soon love".

In fact, those aren't the words he sent, that's what I read in my mind, what I expected to read, what I wished to read.

But again life is not about what we expect, so let's not be such ungrateful creatures and expect life to give us everything while we don't give anything in return, except that I gave it all.

So now the real message is "We can't be together. We're over. Sorry"

I feel so cold right now, like I'm taking one of my usual cold baths. It starts from the back of my neck then it spreads through my whole body until all I am is the cold I feel.

I am still stunned looking at my phone's screen, reading and re-reading the same words, praying to heavens that this is just a joke from him, but it doesn't feel like one.

So I try to call him but I go straight to voice mail, he usually picks up from the first ring and it's already 7:20 PM.

Now I know for sure he is serious, and the only thing in my mind is WHY.

Why is this happening to me? Everything was good and I didn't even do anything, but why can't I stop thinking about where I went wrong.

Why does it feel like it's my fault?

*End of Flashback*

...

I feel cold, not because I'm still naked. No. This is a strange cold, a sudden coldness that hits me at the core, and spreads through my soul.

I cannot move but I try to move anyway. I stand up though I feel dizzy and out of my body, too numb to feel anything.

I stand in front of the mirror staring too carefully at the person in it that I do not feel any connection with.

It is the human nature to avoid pain, but let me tell you that feeling pain is way better than not feeling anything at all.

I can't remember planning to break the mirror with my hand, but I did. Now there's a small crack pattern in the mirror, shaped like a spider's web, perfectly designed. I am wondering how an act of violence can result a piece of art.

I know this is not what I should think of while my right hand is bleeding but I still don't feel anything, the cut doesn't hurt. And I do need to feel. PAIN...

Pain is the only feeling that can shut the voices in my head, the only thing that can decrease the agony of my unseen wounds, even if it is not for long. Few minutes are enough for me.

God look at me! I'm not ungrateful; all I am asking is a small amount of time with peace of mind. Guess that is too much to ask from your creator.

I gather my fist again, now very aware of what I am doing and ready to hit it harder this time, just when I glimpse, I see something in the mirror but I will not let it slow me down or makes me doubt myself.

So I hit the glass with my fist and do it again and again until all I can see is shattered glass and blood. Now I won't see my reflection or the reflection of something else anymore.

My hand hurts, not too much though, but I feel dizzy due to blood loss therefore I go to the bathroom and grab the hand sanitizer.

First I thought about drinking it but I thought against it, because I need to stay sober, I already am out of my body.

So I pour the hand sanitizer on my bleeding hand and it does burn a lot but just for a second then my hand goes numb. I dress in a hurry and head out without a certain direction in my mind.