Capítulo 4: Fresh And Familliar Faces:
The magical day of September the First appeared just around the same time it did every single year. August occurred and September followed, and if September did not occur after August, then the natural order of things would not happen. Deadpool whistled "it's a Small World" after all when mopping up the entrance hall of Hogwarts. He approached Filch who progressively became more annoyed.
"Stop with that insidious racket," Filch growled. "Get this hall all spotty, I want to be able to eat off this floor by the time you're done."
"Of course, Captain Dread Pirate Filch, sir!" Deadpool said as he swung his mop around and just whistled his jaunty tune even louder.
The mop swung back and smacked one of the teachers in the back of the head. Deadpool turned around to see the poor teacher in question. Professor Quirrell stepped into the room, dressed in a perfect shade of purple and wearing his now trademark turban which he wore for reasons which Wade was certain were not nefarious or sketchy.
"I'm so sorry, Professor," Deadpool said. "I'm just engaging in a little Spring cleaning in the autumn."
"Quite a-a-alright, Mr. W-W-Wilson," the Professor said. "I'll just g-g-g-et out of your w-w-way."
Quirrell stepped away from Filch and Wade. Perhaps it was Deadpool's overactive imagination but he was certain that he could hear some grumbling from under the Professor's turban.
"Did you hear that?" Deadpool asked.
"Hear what?" Quirrell asked. "No, I've heard nothing, but you lollygagging around while there's a floor to be shined and it isn't going to shine itself, you know."
"Why isn't it shining itself?" Deadpool asked. "I mean we live in a magic school that's made out of magic. Therefore, shouldn't it just clean itself? Why would we need to do actual physical cleaning? I mean, I read Hogwarts: A History…"
"Bah, no one reads that pile of puke," Filch growled at the top of his lungs.
"Okay, fine, I had one of the house elves summarize it for me," Deadpool said. "That being said, the founders invented indoor plumbing centuries before it became a fashion state. This castle stood tall for a thousand years, at least, without any need for major repairs. So, why doesn't the castle clean itself?"
Filch stuck one gnarled finger into the face of his deputy.
"Do not ask questions you do not want to hear the answer to, bucko!" Filch growled. "Those who ask questions of how magic works, ask too many questions, are taken out of their beds. They are brought before the Ministry. Don't ask questions, because you will never be seen or heard from again."
The Hogwarts Caretaker stopped and realized something about that. A toothless smile spread over the face of the Dread Pirate Caretaker of Hogwarts.
"On second thought, ask them," Filch said. "Ask all of the questions you want. Just keep me out of it. And make sure to keep these floors shining, especially that suit of armor. I think Peeves did something nasty to it."
Deadpool saw and grimaced. That Poltergeist eluded Deadpool's iron grip for the past several weeks and trolled the ground the mercenary walked on. The Mercenary stepped forward. According to Hogwarts scuttlebutt, the Poltergeist only feared the Bloody Baron. Why he feared the Baron it remained a mystery. The most anti-social house would have the most anti-social and mysterious ghost.
Speaking of anti-social, Deadpool noticed that Snape had been avoiding him over the past couple of weeks. Deadpool did not know what Snape would avoid him. Could it be because Deadpool pestered Snape every time the two of them were in earshot? Or maybe it was because he fed Snape something which caused him to break out? Or because Snape was just antisocial in general.
That third one seemed very likely to come to think about it.
The doors opened up just as Deadpool finished off. Dozens upon dozens of Hogwarts students appeared first years by the looks of things.
"OOOOH, ICKLE FIRSTIES! WHAT FUN!"
And Deadpool could hear in the background Peeves engaging in the time-honored tradition of everywhere of hazing the newbie. The Mercenary parked himself in a chair right next to Filch. Filch rose to his feet, got up, and moved three chairs over.
The students moved into position. Deadpool witnessed one canonical sorting song and one canonical sorting was about ready to begin. The entire Great Hall gasped as Harry Potter appeared to sit in front of the Hogwarts School Sorting Hat.
"Come on, Hufflepuff," Deadpool said. "I would laugh if Harry Potter got into Hufflepuff."
The eyes of everyone fell on the very eccentric Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation. Deadpool just responded with a shrug as the Sorting Hat called out "Gryffindor". All was right in the universe, at least for now. Deadpool had at least seven books worth of shit to screw up, so he could wait. It would be all about biding his time for the right moment.
"I have a few words for you….."
"EXCELSIOR!" Deadpool bellowed.
Everyone looked in surprise as the Assistant Caretaker's outburst interrupted the speech of the Hogwarts Headmaster.
"Yes, thank you, to our new Hogwarts Assistant Caretaker," Dumbledore said. "He has assumed this up far more succulently than I could have. The time for speaking will come after the time for feeding. Everyone prepare to indulge yourself in the finest that the magical world has to offer."
Food appeared in front of the Hogwarts students and a feast commence. Deadpool tore through a juicy hunk of steak which he speared in mashed potatoes. He stuffed his face with as much food as he could get his hands on. Say what you want about the house elves, but they went above and beyond the call of duty.
A few people were looking at Deadpool's antics on the table. Deadpool just waved merrily to a pair of redhead twins at the end of the table who waved at him. For some reason, this action caused both Filch and Snape to groan in unison. Deadpool responded with a shrug and returned to building a tower of mash potatoes, as high as it could be allowed. He stacked gravy all over it before diving into it.
Dessert followed dinner and not the other way around. Deadpool mixed it up that way by having dessert before dinner because sometimes you just had to mix things up. Deadpool let out a hearty belch which got him some looks from the people.
"Hey, if you have gas than you must pass with class," Deadpool said.
The feast ended for a few seconds later. Albus Dumbledore rose to his feet to get the attention of everyone involved.
"And now that you have all be sufficiently fed and watered, I have a few notes which to share for you. The first is the Quidditch trials which will be taken place for all of the teams within the next week. For all who are interested, please contact Madam Hooch. Please do not that first years are not permitted to be on the house team for they are not permitted their own broomstick."
Deadpool snorted in response.
"Argus Filch has increased the number of barred items to a robust seven hundred and ninety-three different items," Dumbledore said. "An extensive list is available on his office door. And remember as always, there will be no magic in the corridors."
Deadpool thought that was actually a pretty sane rule. The last thing you needed was a bunch of eager young wizards whipping their wands out all over the place.
"The Forbidden Forest is still permitted to all students," Dumbledore said. "New students should take note that the forest is aptly named. A few of our older student should remember that."
Dumbledore gave a warm smile and his eyes twinkled in the very obvious direction of a certain pair of twins.
"The third-floor corridor is out of bounds," Dumbledore said. "Anyone who wishes to not receive a painful death should not enter that corridor."
"Trust me, I know," Deadpool said. "I didn't die, but I could have died. And believe me, I've died before."
"Yes, listen to Mr. Wilson," Dumbledore said. "He has made the mistake of running afoul of the guardian of the third-floor corridor. Please do not make the mistake of doing so. It's for your own safety."
Everyone whispered, and Deadpool could place some even odds that someone was going to scurry up to the third-floor corridor as soon as humanly possible. He knew how the minds of children worked. Curiosity got the better of them. They had no sense of not sticking their necks in when danger laid.
Speaking of which, Deadpool needed to take a closer look at that Forbidden Forest.
"And now, before we head off to bed and rest our minds before filling them with knowledge, it's time for us to sing the Hogwarts School song," Dumbledore said. "Everyone pick your favorite tune and away we go."
The students of Hogwarts started singing the Hogwarts song. None of the staff seemed amused by this particular activity.
X-X-X
Darkness fell upon the land, the midnight hour was close at hand, and Deadpool was going to stop that train of thought before he drew the ire of the CUNTs for using song lyrics. The Mercenary crept into the Hogwarts grounds. The sound of owls hooting all around him caused Deadpool to be alert.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," Deadpool said. "Smells like a forest."
The smell of a nasty pile of excrement filled Deadpool's lungs and backed him off. Yes, yes, yes it really did smell like pretty much any other forest. Deadpool stepped into the darkness of the Forbidden Forest. He moved around with a torch in his hand.
"Just another walk through the mysterious dark and depressing woods at night," Deadpool said.
He stopped a few inches to see a figure standing in the distance. From the waist up, he resembled a man. From the waist down, he resembled a horse. Deadpool locked his eyes on the man in front of him with a very obvious frown. His red hair came down past his shoulders.
"Doom is brought to this Forest," the centaur said.
"Victor's coming to Hogwarts?" Deadpool deadpanned.
"You have been warned, there will be doom," he said. "A darkness beyond the likes of which we have never seen before would appear. You will not be able to survive. You will not be able to thrive. Mars will burn bright and the harbinger of chaos will reign his darkness down on Hogwarts."
"What are you talking about?"
"You should not be in this Forest."
Another rough-faced Centaur moved into the picture. Several more of the centaurs moved in, a couple of them wielded crossbows and arrows. The Mercenary stood his ground despite knowing that these centaurs would blast him for everything he was worth if he made one wrong move.
"I should not be in the Forest," Deadpool said. "Because it's forbidden."
"Leave this place and do not come back," the centaur said. "You will interfere with the directions of the stars by your mere presence."
Deadpool turned and looked into the darkness.
"Do centaurs have medium awareness?" Deadpool asked.
An arrow shot Deadpool in the ass which caused him to jump up. The centaur who nailed him in the butt looked very pleased with himself.
'So many lines in this project can be taken out of context,' one of the voices in Deadpool's head said.
'You know, the lines become less amusing when they are just fed to you like that,' another Deadpool voice responded.
"Okay, okay, fine, I'm going," Deadpool said. "You guys are worse jerks than the goblins."
The Mercenary stepped into the forest. Perhaps he should leave. His ass would heal, but his pride was not still intact. Everyone's favorite fourth wall observer kept walking through the forest. He knew after walking for a good hour or so, he got lost.
Deadpool lifted up his hand and lit a lighter. The flash of light caused him to come face to face with a giant spider. Deadpool stepped back a few feet and came face to face with more spiders. A giant spider army surrounded Deadpool from all sides. The mercenary drew in his breath and drew out his breath several times.
He was never afraid of spiders. A spider, a small spider which he found floating in his bathroom.
"I swear I never flushed a spider in my life," Deadpool said. "And I'm good friends with Spider-Man, kind of, sort of, okay, we exchange wise ass quips every now and again. But, we're cool. We're mostly cool, mostly. You know, we're kind of cool."
"You should not have come here," one of the spiders said.
Those pincers started clicking when the spiders rose up and fell down to him.
"You should not be here," another one of the spiders said.
"Man, everything in this forest is kind of racist."
The spiders encircled Deadpool and trapped the mercenary.
Deadpool pulled out a large blade and brandished it. His contract clearly stated that he was not allowed to have weapons inside of the school walls. However, it did not mean he did not have weapons outside of the school walls. Deadpool reached over and stepped back only to run into a wall of spiders.
"Fresh meat!" the spiders cheered in unison.
Deadpool wasn't terrified about getting eaten to death. It wouldn't be pleasant, but after getting blown up, maimed, and having karaoke night with Wolverine, he wasn't terrified of the spiders devouring his flesh. He was terrified of the sentience of the spiders. The spiders rose up and one of them grabbed Deadpool.
"No don't eat me! I'm high in gluten!" Deadpool said to them. "Ha, sucker!"
Deadpool stabbed the spider in the stomach and caused him to recoil. The mercenary stepped back and slipped down the path before slipping on a slime trail left on the path. The spiders crawled out and moved his way.
"Look, Basilisk!"
The spiders stopped and stepped back in terror, scuttling back as far as their legs could carry them. Deadpool moved off as fast as his legs could carry him. He ran around the Forest and ran out to the Forest on the other side. A loud thump occurred when Deadpool hit a giant wall of solid flesh.
"Alright there, Wilson?"
"Oh, thank heavens," Wade said.
He came face to waist with the large form of Rubeus Hagrid, the caretaker of Hogwarts.
"You got here just in time," Wade said. "Those giant spiders, they were going to rip me apart."
"Aw, they didn't mean anything by it," Hagrid said. "Aragog was just playing."
"Aragog?" Deadpool asked. "Wait, Aragog?"
"Yeah, Aragog, that's his name, I got him when he was a tiny egg," Hagrid said. He looked very tearful in his remembrance. "They all grow up so fast."
Deadpool did not want to argue with a man and the love for his pets. But, damn it, there were certain things you cannot just let go. Sometimes you had to man up and give another man what for, even if said man towered over the man who needed to man up.
"You know, Hagrid, that's the second one of your pets that tried to eat me," Deadpool said. "I'm beginning to think they hold a grudge against me."
Hagrid looked guilty.
"Fluffy, real sorry about that one," Hagrid said. "He was being territorial, just doing his job. You see we trained him as a guard dog to guard…well, that's not the point."
Deadpool gave a knowing nod
"Yeah, he's guarding the thing for Dumbledore," Deadpool said. "I'm not high up the food chain enough…well nice talking to you, Hagrid. Do you have any other pets that I should know about?"
Hagrid thought about it for a minute and shook his large head. Deadpool hoped the large man would not spring anymore surprises.
"Well, I've got to go," Deadpool said. "You have caretaking to do. And I have sanitation to do."
The two men parted ways. Deadpool decided the Forbidden Forest was pretty much as advertised. This bode well for any kind of future adventures he would have. The Mercenary whistled wondering what hijinks tomorrow would bring.
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